Did I mess up (again?)

Breakup Help no-contact-rule
1

Hey everyone! I need some help. I posted my story here about two weeks ago (https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/is-there-still-a-chance-for-us-i-could-use-some-help/). Maybe it’s better to read that first, otherwise this post won’t make any sense.

I was trying to have no contact with my ex for at least a month (until March 30th, because then we are going to a concert together with two other friends. We’ve planned that concert like a really long time ago.)

We broke up almost two months ago and I begged and pleaded and basically made everything worse (read my story first if you can). I had decided to send my last text to her on Wednesday February 24th (I wanted to do no contact for 30 days) but then on Monday February 29th she suddenly texted me around noon to ask me ‘Are you watching Fuller House? x’. I am still allowed to watch shows on her Netflix so I answered like two hours later ‘Yes, is that okay? x’ and she answered ‘Sure! I was just wondering if it was you or if my sister was on my Netflix again! x’. And I didn’t reply anymore.

And then suddenly at around 8pm that day I got another text. I had posted something on Twitter on Sunday February 28th (the day before). I tweeted ‘I’m finally making one of my dreams come true. I took the first step towards it today.’ because I’m planning on going to the US for a year next year. So she texted me ‘Which dream are you working on? x’ and I replied ‘America :slight_smile: x’ and she said ‘That makes me so happy :slight_smile: x’ and I didn’t reply anymore after that.

So does this mean she was stalking my social media since I posted it the day before she sent me that text?

Then on Tuesday March 1st I posted a snap on my snapchat story (just a selfie with one of those snapchat filters, it was a unicorn filter) and it said ‘My dream just came true’. And suddenly I got another text that day ‘Are you going to the US? Is it all planned out? Tell meh more! x’ and I didn’t reply and then she texted me ‘Or were you just talking about your dream to be a unicorn on snapchat haha? x’ so I texted her back saying ‘No it’s not planned out yet. Oh haha yeah, I’ve just always wanted to be a unicorn. x’ and she said ‘Hahaha, I realized too late that it was about the snapchat filter! x’ and I stopped replying.

I wanted to do no contact for 30 days because I think that’s my only way to eventually get her back (you’ll get why when you read my story, a lot happened) but I kept replying to her (even though I sent her short replies) because I didn’t want to hurt her.

But then on Thursday March 3rd it all went wrong. She had posted something on Twitter (something like ‘I deserve someone who is gentle and kind, because my soul is getting tired.’) and she had told one of our mutuals friends it was about me (she doesn’t know that that friend is trying to help me). She said that she was really happy now and that my insecurities had ‘dragged’ her down, that she was realizing that more and more every single day. I don’t get why she is saying that because I started being insecure AFTER she broke up with me, you know?

So I freaked out and texted her to ask what the twitter post was about and she got mad so I started calling her and she didn’t pick up and she got really pissed and I called her like thirty times and ugh. I messed up. She said ‘You are just imagining things in your head. I’m doing nothing wrong. I’ll ignore you if you can’t act normal.’ I apologized but she was really mad.

This Monday (March 7th) I asked her if we could call. And she said yes and she was being super nice, we talked about random things. But then I tried to talk about the twitter post and she got really pissed again and ugh. She was like ‘I don’t want to talk about feelings and stuff anymore. I thought you had finally gotten that.’ I ended the conversation in a nice way but I haven’t heard from her since. So this is my third day of the actual no contact.

Did I mess things up even more? She isn’t contacting me at all now. What do I do now? Is the concert still a good idea? How do I get her back? :frowning:

Btw: she keeps checking my snapchat stories. Would it be better for me to not post anything anymore? So she can miss me? I’m so lost :frowning:

2

You need to STOP snooping on her social accounts as it will only serve to confuse you. Don’t post anything yourself because actually there is no critical need to do so. And DEFINITELY stop interrogating her about everything!! Just be as nice as humanly possible. Stop contacting her for now until very close to the end of the month and then send a note asking her if she would mind if you go to the concert. Going might make you both feel awkward or the sight of you may produce more anger on her part or it might be a time to make amends and get along better. If she prefers you don’t go, then don’t because it will make her more upset with you.

3

Thank you for replying!

I know I shouldn’t check her social media but it’s the only thing that still connects me to her, you know? She’s really active on Twitter and so am I (well I’m not that active anymore because I just don’t feel like tweeting a lot). Why is she posting these things though? She obviously knows I see them. My brother says it’s because she is immature and only thinking about herself right now. I don’t interrogate her about everything. She had posted things before, this was the first time I asked her about something because I knew via our friend that it was about me. It just upset me that she lied about it to me because she told me it wasn’t about me.

Do you think I shouldn’t tweet anymore until the concert? And do you think I shouldn’t post any snaps on my snapchat story anymore either? I always post a lot of snaps there (even before we broke up). She always checks my story. I don’t check hers anymore.

She wanted to stay friends after our break-up so I’m pretty sure she won’t mind me being there. We talked about it on the phone on Monday and I asked her if we were still going together (with our friends as well) and she was like ‘Yeah of course.’ I’m just confused.

4

Who knows why she posts stuff? Don’t try to figure it. Nothing will seem logical and you won’t know the real reason. Just forget it. Yes, I advise you stop posting things for now. Okay, go to the concert, but don’t become a detective, just have fun:)

5

Okay, I won’t post anywhere until the concert. Then what happens after the concert though? Do I go back to no contact or?

6

That depends on how it goes at the concert. If after that she contacts you first, that’s a good sign. Just keep your distance for awhile because the negative stuff is still fresh in her mind. Take it slow and see how you feel about it later. Don’t say or do anything drastic.

7

I feel like giving up :frowning:

8

You’ve done the begging and bargaining thing and she knows how you feel, so STOP and never do it again! If you talk to her on the phone, keep it light. If you see her in person just have fun! No heavy discussions. No conversations about feelings or emotions. She is tired of all the drama! The love for you apparently faded because she was unhappy with the relationship the way it became over time. If she gives you a second chance to be a couple again with a clean slate, start over by NOT quizzing her about everything! Enjoy each other’s company and focus on having fun because nobody wants to be unhappy in a relationship! Don’t give up just yet as there may still be a chance… Good luck

9

I’m just scared I messed everything up with al the begging and the ‘drama’. She hasn’t texted me since Monday (so we haven’t had any contact for five days) and I’m struggling so much. I swear our relationship was filled with love and fun (I don’t know if you read the whole story?). I never ‘quizzed’ her or anything… I just don’t know what to do anymore to be honest. I’m scared that we’ll just end up being friends if I don’t do anything after this no contact period.

10

You said you’re a more emotional person and need to talk about your feelings and she doesn’t like talking about feelings. Prior to the break up you said you had some sort of discussion every month. After the break up, you asked about the Twitter post a couple of times and she got upset and thinks you wouldn’t keep your promises to stop talking about feelings. Prior to, during, and after the break up, she told you repeatedly that she wasn’t ready for a relationship. So it sounds like she just wants to be friends at this point and it’s impossible to know when or if she will ever change her mind. Keep up the good work on no contact even though I know it’s very sad and difficult for you. Breaking no contact won’t change anything. At the concert and afterwards don’t beg and no more heavy discussions about feelings. If you revert back to this, she may become so upset that it’s possible she won’t want anything more to do with you. Sad to say, but it might be better for you to find someone who is more emotional like you, wouldn’t mind discussing feelings, more compatible, and would actually want to be in a relationship with you.
I pray the best for you and wish you well…

11

Well we talked about feelings a lot when we were together and she had no problem with that at all. It became a problem after the break-up, you know? These discussions I talked about were really small ones. I asked a lot of my friends about them and they have the same sort of ‘discussions’ with their partners.

My ex just wasn’t ready for anything serious and she didn’t want a relationship with anyone but she decided to take the risk with me. She thought these discussions were signs that things were too complicated because she never ‘fights’ with anyone. I realized that after I lost her.

I know it might be better for us to just be friends for a while, but it’s hard for me to be just friends because I want her back. We were never really just friends before we started dating, but we were each other’s best friend during our relationship. Now we’re nothing anymore and that hurts.

I really want to be less clingy and needy because I think that is one of the reasons she didn’t want our relationship anymore. She’s still really young and very independent. I am independent too but I lost a lot of my independence now and that needs to change. I want to become a better person. For myself. But also for her.

I promise you that we are very compatible. That’s why I’m not ready to give up yet. What we had was really good, a few things just went wrong. We’re both young. I made mistakes and kept making them and that’s why she didn’t want to continue anymore. She made mistakes too. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t make those mistakes anymore, I just don’t know how I can show that to her. I don’t know how I can make her believe me?

I really just wanna have a good time at the concert. I don’t want to talk about the break-up anymore. I just want her back and I would wait until she’s ready again. Do you think she’ll ever be able to forget all the negativity and start thinking about all the good things we had? Right after our break-up she thought we would get back together eventually…

12

The way she will believe you’ve changed is by showing her over time, not by talking about it. Yes, time will let her forgot more of the negativity of the past and give her a chance to remember more of the good things. I understand it will hurt you to be just friends, but that’s all you will have for now. Hang in there and I hope you will be able to accept the friendship gracefully.
I know your agony and heartbreak…

13

You’re right. She told me the last time we met up that I have to start showing things instead of just saying them. ‘Actions speak louder than words.’ I just don’t know how to show her our ‘new’ relationship would be better and healthier now if we don’t start a new relationship, you know? But I do always want to talk about it. That’s the problem with me I guess. I always want to show someone things by talking about it. I’m in my fifth year of law school and I guess it’s just a habit to talk a lot, haha.

So I should just not have any contact until the concert, then just have a good time at the concert and after just see what she does? Do you think I should give up on trying to win her back then?

Are you okay?

14

You said; “I just don’t know how to show her our ‘new’ relationship would be better and healthier now if we don’t start a new relationship, you know?” You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship with her in order to prove that you’ve changed. You can do it in a friendship too. She will be able to see for herself that you’re not so emotional when she is around you and probably help her re-consider getting back together. In the meantime, enjoy the friendship and talk about anything other than the prior relationship and feelings! Hope this helps.
Yes, I’m okay. Thank you for asking…

15

You are right. I’m just scared that she’ll think ‘Hey look we are better off as friends because now things are not complicated.’ That’s why she wanted to stay friends right after our break-up. That way she still had everything, you know?

I hope you are!

16

I understand your fear of her thinking you’re better off as friends, but down the line if she develops more intense feelings, you might sense it. She might become more touchy feely or something, but I really don’t know. After many months you might be able to ask about a closer relationship without upsetting her. But back off if she rejects that idea.
Stay calm and good luck:)

17

Do you think all hope is lost?

18

I really want to text her this ‘You’re one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I realize that now. I’m sorry I made the same mistakes over and over again and lost you before I could realize that.’ Is this a bad idea?

19

OMG! More feelings? Absolutely do not text that! You’ve already done begging and this sounds disguised as more of the same. I don’t know if all is lost, but if you keep this up, your chances will probably drop dramatically. Pun intended (too much drama). Sorry, you really need to chill…

20

You are absolutely right. I suck at this. I should just focus on myself right now and just stick to the plan until March 30th (the concert). I’m sorry for bothering you this much…