I posted a thread not too long ago about getting my ex back after 2 years, however, I’m thinking I may have jumped the gun.
My reasons are lately my ex doesn’t text me as much as he did in the beginning. For instance I’ll get a “good morning” text here and there but no long conversations. My fear is that maybe he just sees me as a “friend with benefits” rather than trying to start back over. Also I only see him once a week and before he always wanted to see me. We haven’t went out on a date. Just meeting at one another’s home. I do spend time with him at his mothers often but not an official date. Not sure how to handle this so if anyone can help that would be awesome.
@richbeauty25 - When did you start seeing each other again? Good morning texts now and then are fine. You don’t want him to feel smothered by texting too much (long) or too often. Sounds like he’s starting out slowly because he might think you haven’t changed for the better and he’s testing the waters so to speak. Seeing him once a week seems fine at this point, but the home dates provide a place to have sex. I understand that feels great, but not going out on dates seems to be a problem. Tell him you would enjoy going out someplace to have fun together! Also if you have been seeing each other some weeks or months, you will have to ask him what his intentions are for seeing you. And ask if he sees you as his girlfriend. The direct approach is the best in order to understand where you stand with him. It might seem scary to bring up the subject, but better to know for sure than trying to guess.
So we have been talking per say right at 3 months now. When we did have a chance to sit down and talk I asked why he broke up with me? He indicated it was because he wanted to see what else was out there and didn’t know how to tell me without hurting my feelings. He also sayed there were things that are required in a relationship which he didn’t know nor understand back then.
As far as sex we really don’t do that. Most times we are at his house and since he stays with his mother I mainly talk to her since she and I have a great relationship. When we are at my house we just chill and lay in the bed.
I will definitely ask him because going on not knowing is starting to take affect. In the beginning I thought we were taking the steps to create a better relationship. Now I’m not so sure.
@richbeauty25 - This is what you wrote on your first post 7/29/16 “He did tell me at dinner (the ways were texting/calling all the time, being up under him, etc”. So it seems there was a time you were seeing each other daily and yet you were texting and calling too much and that’s called smothering! It seems even now you’re not satisfied with his texting and want more even though you see each other weekly, which is more often than some people see each other! You must get it through your head that texting is not very important compared to seeing each other in person! Stop expecting texts. Sorry but your time together sounds a little boring to be honest. Going back and forth between houses. You shouldn’t be so available all the time and don’t ever drop plans with friends to be with him. You are the one who said you’re afraid he might see you as a friend with benefits, so it seems you do have sex sometimes, right?
You say your love language is quality time. Quality time doesn’t mean frequency! Curious if he ever taught you to play spades… Last year you mentioned being overweight and trying to get down to your ideal weight (which is normal weight for your height), did you do it?
I’m assuming your ex is in his 30’s and yet he lives with his mother? Doesn’t he have any ambition to get a good paying job or or plans to get his own apartment? Maybe he’s still spending money on tennis shoes the reason he doesn’t take you out, lol. It’s not funny, but there must be a reason he doesn’t take you out…
Maybe he is not your type for a long relationship. Sounds like a more mature stable independent guy who would show his love better and shower you with the attention you deserve would be better suited for you. Have you been dating other guys? Sorry, I somehow get the feeling that this guy isn’t serious about you. I hope I’m wrong, but I just don’t know…
Hey there Richbeauty…your guy sounds a bit like my ex…after an initial rush of initiated texted, his slowed down dramatically as well. I remember wondering if he was losing interest and I used to obsess over the quantity of his texts. We also spent a majority of time cuddling and watching Netflix…occasionally we would go out, but he would get off work late and wanted to “chill”. The point is, I used to try to be understanding when internally I was dealing with a lot of fear. Some of it stemmed from what I thought a relationship should look like, or comparing my relationship to my friends or the myriad of dating advice that is out there that says if he is into you, he will contact you a lot. You have to decide if the level of time you spend together and how much time you are in contact while apart is enough. Since you have been seeing each other 4 months, I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying…“I am really enjoying our time together, but I wanted to check in with you and validate that we are on the same page regarding what this is.” Then you can speak to what you think the relationship is and see if that jives with his perception. That is way more important than number of text messages and provides you with better “data” on whether you are tracking with each other or not (which is likely at the root of why you are concerned about the text messages…you want to ensure he is as into you as you are into him, which is a legitimate concern).
That’s pretty much my thought process. Wanting to know where we stand because I definitely don’t wanna waste time. Too many fishes in the sea for all that. The next time we talk I’ll converse it in that way. Thank you for this help KR!
Patricia12 So within the 2 years that we were broken up I did everything I set on my Vision Board to do. I met my ideal weight at 142, moved into my own place, got my non profit in two schools and one after school program, got certified as a lash technician, and graduated from business school.
Yes, he lives with his mother but there are legal reasons for that being at this time. He does have a good paying job and actually got an even better one two weeks ago. I believe his intentions are good and he does want a family as we’ve talked about this since reconnecting but both agreed wanted to be financially secured before making any major steps.
Yesterday he invited me out to a bar to watch the McGregor/Mayweather fight. The bar was too crowded so we ended up at his cousins whom I met before during our dating days.
My heart tells me he is the one and to take it slow but every now and again I have that small voice saying “don’t waste your time”.
Yes, quality time is my love language and I do see him as often as we both can (he works from 4:30 a.m.- 6pm and my work schedule varies) but I truly believe fear sets in. More so fear of getting hurt again or fear of wasting my time when I could have found someone else.
I DEFINITELY don’t cancel dates with my friends or anything (no man is worth ditching my friends) and if I’m busy but he wants to hang out I give options (A. Get at him when I’m done or B. reschedule for another time).
We are both in our 30s and come from the same background. We both value family and God as the center of everything.
Maybe the issues are all in my head (duh) and like you said before maybe he’s taking it slow which we didn’t do first go round.
I’m glad to hear you’ve accomplished so much:) There are no legal reasons a grown man has to live with his mother. You’ve talked about wanting a family and yet he hasn’t asked you to be his exclusive girlfriend? That doesn’t make much sense to me. If he asks to see you, DON’T give him two choices. Ask to reschedule! Going out to a bar to watch a fight doesn’t sound like much fun for you unless you’re “into” fights too. He works strange hours, but he must have days off where he could take you out to have enjoyable times. Okay, guess the main thing now is to find out where you stand with him. Keep us posted and good luck…