Did I completely f*** up?

To start off let me give you guys a basic view of the relationship:

Me and my ex actually knew each other when were younger.From age 13-18 we went to the same church, school, and even worked at the same local grocery store. I had a crush on him early on, but we never talked much and we weren’t really friends. One of his friends actually did like me in our senior year, but I had a boyfriend at the time and was going off to college in New York.

Fast forward to seven years later, and I was divorced. It was a bad marriage, but I wasn’t jaded or anything. I tried and it didn’t work so I moved on. I came back to my hometown and began dating again after being single for about 4 months. After another two months, Alex (name changed for privacy purposes), my now ex, sent me a friend request and we chatted on there for two weeks really hitting it off. He asked me out then and that’s how it all started.

For the next four months we spent every weekend together as well one or two weeknights too. We spent Christmas, New Years, and Valentine’s Day together. I cooked whatever he wanted, cared for him when he got sick twice, and massaged his shoulder (which he had messed up years before) anytime he wanted. He brought me around all of his friends and they loved me, and he even encouraged me to get close with his mother and spend time alone with her (which I did). He said no one had ever put in the effort with his mom, no one had ever treated him so well for so long, and he said I love you first about two months in.

After those first four wonderful months, Alex basically shut down. He texted less frequently, wanted to make other plans on the weekend sometimes, and then stopped saying I love you altogether. When we had a serious talk,including the possibility of a break, he said the novelty of a new relationship had worn off, BUT he just needed some time and space to focus on his licensing test for his trade. It was a make or break test for his career. It was only three weeks away. I could give him that. I was supportive, even making him practice tests and study sheets as per his request, and though we didnt see each other we still texted everyday. I even asked multiple times if he needed a break from that. He said no. I even consulted with his friends and they said he really really liked me, just I needed to stop being so much “like a wife” so he didn’t feel more stress and pressure.

After about two weeks we both went to his friend’s st. patricks day party but it was weird. Alex didn’t offer to pick me up, make me a drink, nor did he really sit with me or include me in the conversations unless prompted by others. EVERYONE noticed and asked what was up. I didn’t know what to say and it was very discouraging. Especially as I had just finished getting my motorcycle license because he had said he wanted us to be able to ride together (its one of his passions). As the night went on it got a little better cause he came looking for me sometimes when I was in other rooms, and when I left before him he walked me to my car like normal and we talked a bit and hugged/kissed. He felt normal then. I thought it was a just a fluke night.

A week later he passed his test and I was so proud of him. But he didn’t want to go out and celebrate with me instead he went out with his friend. I was hurt, but we made plans to see each other saturday night and sunday. Those were great days and felt mostly normal (I just felt a little weird asking for hugs and stuff sometimes, but then was fine). The next day though he said he still felt emotionless kinda and didn’t know what was wrong with him. He didn’t want me gone, but said he liked his alone time too. He didn’t want a relationship, but he still really liked me. In the beginning he had said how I was the first girl who had made his heart beat faster since he was 18, that he never wanted to find out what it was like to lose me because he f**ed up. He would list all the reasons why he wouldn’t leave befor, but now 3 weeks later he says maybe a break would help things? After you said it was just a rough patch and we would try to work on things after your test?I took him saying all this as him saying it was over. He said I read his text wrong, but he never corrected me and just let me keep going and rant.

The next day he brought me my toiletry bag, and he said he still liked me alot, that I was too good a person to not have in his life. I was everything he ever wanted, he just wasn’t ready for it yet (even though I said in the beginning not to start things with me if that was the case). He really thought we could be friends cause wasn’t the basis of all good relationships anyways? I was too upset to really hear his words though. He hugged me goodbye, said he would text me, and then he was gone.

I was a wreck after that, and I did everything wrong. I cried for hours, moped in my apartment, tortured myself going over old texts and conversations, got sent home from work one day for looking like death warmed over. I texted begging for reasons, for him to just talk things out. Sometimes he responded, but when I got to long and rant like he didn’t. I left him alone for a week, and went on two vacations but didn’t really enjoy myself. I told him I was deleting his number because I didn’t trust myself not to bother him more, but he said that was taking it too far.

I spent another two weeks kind of spoiling myself- massages, mani/pedis, new clothes, etc. I went to therapy and out with friends. It got a bit better. I did some self-reflection. I was actually able to talk to him about a month after the break-up, just to see how he was doing with work and stuff. He was very quick responding and actually gave a lot of detail. I didn’t talk about myself at all. unfortunately, i have anxiety and depression problems that he does know about so the next week though I texted him pleading for him to tell me how to give up and move on from the hope of us working things out. He wouldn’t block me, wouldn’t say he’d never want me again because he didn’t know the future, just said he wanted me to breathe and chill out. That’d I’d be ok, but he didn’t want a relationship. Then I found Kevin and the ex back permanently system.

I read the books, all the emails, and I completed all the worksheets. I kept going to therapy and I really learned a lot about my own faults in the relationships. He had his too obviously but so did I. I went out with friends every weekend and even went out on multiple dates with three different guys. My crying became less and less, just a few tears here or there when i thought about how much I missed just talking with Alex. I got a part time job in the evenings so I would be at home every weeknight. I was determined to tough it out the 30 days though of no contact.
And I did so well. Even when I ran into him at the mall I just kept the conversation with his mother and only acknowledged him to say hi and bye. I thanked god that day I had done my make-up so i looked nice and not sad & pitiful. In fact, on the 30th day I didn’t even rush to contact him. I waited another three days. I decided to send a card because his graduation ceremony from his apprenticeship was coming up and it seems like an acceptable excuse to send something in the mail. My letter inside was concise and well thought out as well as congratulatory and gave a little mystery. I was happy with it and mailed it from my work so it would take 3 or 4 days to actually get to him, so the no contact period would be even longer.

The next day was saturday I went out with friends after working a 9 hour shift and we had some drinks. I was taking my friend Sarah home and we got to talking in the car. Talking and the alcohol made me a bit emotional so I started to cry a bit. When we got to her house a third friend was already there and saw me crying. I told her it was just cause the past year had been hard and i still missed Alex sometimes. My friend had had enough. she decided I needed to get over it and move on completely. I had deleted his number by then, it didn’t matter cause I had it memorized anyways, so she wanted me to block him on Facebook because I had said I could still see his posts. I refused to and when I when I wouldn’t unlock the phone so she could do it for me she took it upon herself to message him from her own Facebook.
She basically threatened him if he didn’t block me himself because she was tired of hearing me talk about him or seeing me cry about it. This was at 2AM by the way, but of course he happened to be up even though he never is that late. He responded to her immediately, and though my friend would not let me see the screen she said that he thinks I’m creepy and obsessed with him. That really hurt. What had I possibly done that made him be so mean when we haven’t communicated period in a month? Did he not think she would tell me what he said?

It really hurt that someone important to me thought so badly of me, and then I saw that he really had blocked me even though he hadn’t even changed his status from in a relationship with me before. I didn’t handle it correctly. I tried to call, and I know he didn’t block my number because the phone kept ringing for awhile before going to voicemail. I texted him though and said I didn’t deserve to have to hear that……I shouldn’t have tried to contact him at all. It just fed into the negative image of me.
What’s even more mortifying is that he hadn’t even received my card yet! So when he does, either today or tomorrow, he will think even worse things.

Have I 100% completely screwed up all chances? Is there nothing I can do to repair the damage?

  • Amannda