I’d like to get some advice. I’m trying to control myself not to do something stupid that will ruin the peace of mind I had for couple of months. But it’s hard…
My ex-girlfriend and I were broken up for 4 months and since the last contact 85~ days had passed. I had no intention to try it again but to clear a misunderstanding related to some other issue, I sent her an e-mail beginning of this month. About 2 days later she sent me a text saying she deleted the mail by mistake (which I call bullshit) and asked me what it is about, and I summarized the whole thing. That conversation was OK.
Then, I asked her how her life is going on and she mentioned bits and pieces. And I told her that I was hella busy these last couple of months with my work. Throughout texting she referred to some valuable/funny memories we had shared and I did the same. It was fun overall. Apparently she got sick at some point and had stress related issues and I tried to comfort her on that.
Since then 8 days passed, and her activity level on social media which was stagnant for last 2 months is now off the chart. She constantly updates her profile picture, writes some weird quotes, and 2 days ago she sent me series of messages in the middle of the night saying she’s really sad, feels pathetic and don’t know what to do eventhough she said she’d been happy. I asked her to talk more so that she would feel better but she ended the convo there and said goodnight.
This morning, again, she sent 8 messages saying she created an Instagram account and everybody is liking and commenting on her pics and she feels really happy about it. She shared the account name so that I can add her.
What to do in such situations? How do you cope with it? I’m trying my best being nice, and so as not to look like chasing I haven’t even mentioned meeting up. She may or may not have feelings. I really don’t care about that right now. If she is sincere, I want her to express it fully because she broke my heart and made me a doormat for her in past. My attention shouldn’t come that easy.
Even then, I end up browsing through her instagram now and then. And I accidentally liked one of her pics lol.
I feel like getting into that ‘spiral of headache’ again.
I would start the NC of 30 days again, if you feel she will mess with your head and heart and don’t feel she is being sincere let her come to you and express what she wants, you have done brilliantly so far
That’s good! And when you are there you can focus mainly on you which is most important. And also I think you should delete her Instagram and other social media sites.
I’m not sure another no contact is what I’d do, already haven’t contacted for 85 days.
If she has reached out in that time, ignoring her further will do the opposite of helping
Depends where you’re at, but I think false friendship like in relationship rewind is the way to go
Yeah I’m also not planning on doing no contact. That will serve no purpose. It’s just that she is cold when we exchange texts, and I can see her bitter. The more attention I give her, more her defenses are up.
It’s not about her now though. I’m thinking about myself. I don’t want to get involved with her indecision now, it just makes me more paranoid about whatever is going in her life. There is just no balance even for a false friendship. She has to loosen up a bit if she wants to accept being friends, because I don’t think she does now.
As for deleting her from instagram, that’s a big no. It shows a sign of weakness. I can handle that kind of thing as I’m not active there.
Funny things happened since the last time I’ve written here.
Since the instagram thing, my ex was showing signs of hot/cold behavior and on Sunday I messaged her asking how she is doing. She said she was meeting a friend and ended the convo there.
Since then, there has been no contact from either side.
Funny thing, I was suspicious of her being involved with someone else and last night she posted a picture of her and a guy on instant messaging app, and some time after deleted it. Today I checked if she also created a facebook account and there it was. Same day created, and first post is “In a relationship” dated on Sunday.
This is the girl who was hiding her relationship from her family because they may think it would hinder her job seeking, and she was dead against using sns. Either I didn’t know her, or she has changed drastically. Either way, I’m not gonna analyze her behavior now.
Every cell in my body screams to forget her once and for all, and cut contact while a part of me who went through this whole process and gained lots of experience say this is a rebound relationship that developed after her seeing I didn’t give her the attenion she sought.
Not sure if you really want to know or just correlate to your own situation, but I’ll briefly mention it.
There were a lot of communication issues from both sides. I’d say mostly her as she piled up these problems inside and erupted like a volcano before and aftermath of the breakup instead of talking through it. My temper also got the best of me as I was tired of arguing for hours and hours, and they got frequent towards the end. Other than that, there was nothing to be frank unless she thinks there is, which I don’t really care anymore. I know I was civil, and logical in my arguments. But whenever we had some discussion, she always expected me to lose. Like literally she would say, “Always lose, I’ll make it up to you twice later.” How messed up is that? Yet, I caved in and tolerated / apologized every single time which led to deterioration of the breakup and my own self confidence & self respect.
However, it sounds as if she’s had issues way before the break up. Like, “Always lose, I’ll make it up to you twice”? Who says things like that? Then I remember another post where you told me she was hitting you up during no contact sounding confused. I don’t know if it was the break up that made her that way but it seems like she was emotionally unstable for quite a while.
@ghost hope you are enjoying holiday not letting thinking about your ex to ruin it. Im pretty sure you gonna fresh your mind and it will help you.
About your ex… she is super emotionally unstable type girl, she jumps from feeling awesome about her life to deep depression (thats when she sends you 8 messages) and in general, shes unhappy. I was once involved with this type of girl (not my ex). I think this emotional unstabillity comes from missing strong family background. To be honest, there is no way we can help them. Either they wont let us to do it, or we are not able to do it. They just gonna play with us - subconsciously - not to hurt us but because they have no idea what they want or what they need. In many cases, they will just cut you off only because they think you will be better without them (for your own good). So what you can or just want to help them? Im really not sure how to deal with this type of girls, I just know they need someone extremely dominant by their side. They are usually very uncertain about their feelings too.
I would reccomend you to stay away from her as long as its neverending story and you are only going to hurt yourself more. And feeling good is - as I could read - very important for you atm. She is probably the only person who can help her, but she doesnt know it yet.
Oh and if you care about her new “relationship”, trust me it will end sooner than it started (if there is any at all)
Thanks for your analysis. I guess I reached to that same conclusion soon after the breakup. Yet, I’d developed so much compassion for her and wanted to help her. You probably know what I mean. It was beyond love. Like a mother putting her children before herself all the time.
You are right. Only she can help herself and she’d better realize it sooner rather than later. Nothing is forever in this world, and our time is very limited. I know myself I wasted 5 months of my life on this ordeal, and just picking up myself from the floor. I know I’m not ready for relationship yet until I prove to myself I can make her just a distant memory. But it will happen, and I’m not afraid or guilty of that. If and when she heals and beats the demons in her head, it would be nice to get back in touch again - this time as willing friends. Until that time, wish myself and her all the best.
Sounds like she is unstable right now and has things going on and maybe the best thing to do is dont contact her and let her contact you and you dont have to be there for her on the spot. The best thing you can do is just listen and dont try to solve her problems but at the same time dont let her rely on you to be there. Another thing I have learned dont believe what a woman says but judge her by her actions, woman can say one thing but will do the opposite.
Im also going threw a 4 month break up and getting the hot and cold treatment and just found out that there could be another guy that she is seeing. But after 4 months Ive analyzed myself and asked myself the person I thought she was she really isnt her and do I really want to be with her and that’s something you need to ask yourself?
Sometimes we get stuck with the idea that person is the one but sometimes we just dont let go and hold on for too long.
I’m not trying to bring you down but Maybe she needs that time to get herself together and maybe down the road it will happen. We get inpatient and I say that myself because we want it NOW but it takes time.