Hey guys, I’m hoping for some closure…
Basically the story goes a little like this: I met this guy on tinder, we meet, have a couple of dates and finally make it official. We’ve had an incredible connection, and I’ve felt it from the moment I saw him. But our relationship was pretty casual, like, his friends knew about me and my friends knew about him, but we weren’t rushing anything or talking about moving in, marriage or anything like that. We kept it casual, fun and enjoyable. I even met his parents and they really liked me. We’ve never had a fight for 5 months of dating, and by that I mean really - NEVER. We even had plans for New Year’s eve; we wanted to spend it in the mountains with his friends. But, I noticed throughout the whole relationship he was somewhat emotionally unavailable, sometimes depressed and distant, hot and than cold. You know, when he saw me he wasn’t able to sustain his happiness and affection, and when we’re away he would be a little more distant, not as affectionate, kind of confused, sometimes he didn’t even contact me for couple of days, and then when we saw each other everything would be better than ever. Until he completely pushed me away a couple of weeks ago when I noticed something about him was off and wanted an explanation. I wasn’t by any means pushy, I was just worried. But he wouldn’t explain his behavior to me, he just said he is not ready to commit, and then mentioned his ex of 4 years (they broke up at the beginning of 2016.), and the difficulty he had dealing with the break up. He reassured me (as they always do) that it has nothing to do with me, he likes being around me, talking to me etc. and he mentioned wanting to keep in touch because he truly does care, but I was skeptical and showed my suspicion, then he reassured me again saying that’s what he really wants if I do too. I hadn’t heard from him since. When we were breaking up I handled it like a champ, I was really understanding and I agreed that if a relationship isn’t the thing he can do right now the best is to actually stop it and break up. He said that he thinks I wasn’t attached to him in any way, and I lied and said ‘yeah, I wasn’t’. I didn’t want to make it harder for him or anything, but maybe that was a mistake? I realized that I was pretty passive throughout the relationship, but that’s because I was also kind of afraid of being hurt or giving too much and getting little in return.
Then, yesterday, I had this feeling and I needed to check Tinder, and it turns out he made an account, again. Why is it that he pushed me away, ran away from his feelings in fear of commitment and attachment, and then a week later made a dating profile? Why is he making this mistakes over and over again? Is he running away from himself and me because he knows I might have an ability to make him have this feelings that crushed him in his previous relationships or did he just made that up? Was the timing off?
I have a feeling in myself that it isn’t actually over, that our communication will proceed in time, but if someone could give me an objective point of view or a piece of advice I would be more than thankful.
A confused soul,
Callisto.
@callisto - He was with his ex for 4 years and in most cases it would take about half that time to get over it. He couldn’t be into you 100% because of this. He even said he’s not ready for commitment. Five months doesn’t compare to 4 years. You were getting along, but then when you mentioned breaking up and he said he felt you weren’t attached to him, you lied and said “yeah, I wasn’t”. Wow! YES, that was a big mistake. But I know you said it because you were hurt, not because you wanted to make things easier for him. Maybe you were ‘passive’ due to being dumped in the past? I don’t know, but it seems neither of you were ready for a deep loving committed relationship. He probably put up the dating profile because right now he’s just looking for something casual and he sensed you wanted more, even though he said he thought you weren’t too attached to him. Or it could be that he’s actually wanting a serious relationship, but wants to take it VERY slowly. You only dated him for 5 months which is way too soon to even think of moving in with someone or marriage. I’m assuming he never asked you to be exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend? Continue no contact to give him a chance to miss you. He might get in touch, and if he does, go very slowly. But always be sincere, don’t say anything you don’t mean… I’m very sorry this happened to you. I guess neither of you mentioned the word love to each other. One thing for sure, he enjoyed your company and sometimes it takes a long time for a man to fall in love. They are sometimes reluctant because of things that happened in the past, but getting to know someone really well will make them trust their feelings. I understand why you would be confused and maybe he is too. Give it more time and don’t give up hope just yet:)
Well, you’re right, we both weren’t quite ready. I’ve had my feelings hurt a year ago by an ex of almost 3 years, and that scared me badly. Since, I’m afraid to give myself completely to someone, I feel scared…
He didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend, but I heard him talking to his friends about me, and he used ‘my girl’ or my full name. I knew he talked about me. But you know, everything was so foggy, like we were almost too scared to have a serious talk about us, fear to get ‘too close’ or something. I guess I regret my actions, or better say - my passiveness, but maybe I acted just how I was supposed to.
I haven’t written this, but we actually have to see each other at least one more time because I left 2 books at his place, he even mentioned that the last time we spoke (and broke up). So I guess I’m just waiting for that to see where (if anywhere) this is all going.
Thant you for your objective insight, you helped a lot more than you might think!
God bless!
Hey there,
Well, I can tell you this much. When a man gets deeply hurt it is hard to fall in love deeply again because of the fear of getting hurt. I think he still does care but he has his guard up for the time being, maybe until he can be sure of not getting hurt again. As far as the tinder thing, maybe he did it because he is lonely and seeking some sort of company not necessarily sex but someone to just talk to. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to strangers than the ones we care about and love. How do I know? Because I’ve been there before. And when I did find the right one I did let my guard down and now after 4yrs she left me and I’ve been chasing her for 6months now. It hurts so bad because I let my guard down and the fact that she was the only woman I let my guard down. And now again, when or if I date again my guard will always be up. So, that being said I would keep them close enough to where she knows I care but yet at a distance so that if she does leave I won’t be as hurt. Hope this helps
Hey, thank you for this, it does help. A lot. I think that’s the case with him, but I realized I can’t do anything to make him believe I’m not that type of girl, because when I care - I really care, and usually it lasts for a lifetime. I still care about people that left my life even years ago, and I’ll never stop. I’m just going to let him do his thing, and maybe when we see each other he’ll be in a better place, with a clear mindset and ready for something that goes beneath the surface. (I don’t know if I’m making sense right now, English is not my native language. xD) Until then, I’m going to work on myself, study for my exams and write, because that’s something I haven’t done in quite a while.
As far as your story goes, I’m really sorry that happened to you, do you want to discuss it? What exactly was the problem? Maybe I can give you a piece of advice myself. I’ll be glad to help.
Hello I am just wondering if you are back together? Your story is very similar to mine and mine just happenned and I was not expecting it at all.