Cheated on a break

reconciliation
1

So I’ve been dating someone for 6 months now, this guy is absolutely amazing, I don’t think ive ever felt this strongly about anyone before, everything just works so well.

Except 3 weeks ago I get a text from him ‘Josh do you think this working, we don’t really kiss or have sex anymore, I think I want to go on a break’, I had spent 5 days in a row round his house at this point and everything had seemed perfectly fine to me, I didn’t know where this had come from.

My first boyfriend had cheated on me constantly and lied about it for the our 3 year relationship, it was just chaotic, he had broken up with me so many times to go and have sex with other people then get back with me when he was done. I instantly assumed that was the case here. My first response was 'no you can fuck off, I’m not someone you can pick up and put down whenever it’s convient for you.

He replied, ‘no Josh im being serious, I just don’t think you have any fight left in you but we know it’s all me’

‘I just want some time to myself, I want to split for a bit, I wanted to meet you in person but I know I’ll change my mind’

I continued to protest but he replied ‘well it’s happening you need to accept it’

I was fucking furious! I have never felt more rejected in my whole life, the fact he didn’t even have the balls to come and discuss such a serious thing face to face with me. So I met up with some friends, we drank all afternoon and ended up going to a club, I was obliterated drunk and lost my friends somehow.

And I did something stupid.

I have no idea how it happened but I ended up fumbling around with someone in their car, I know alcohol is no excuse whatsoever and I accept full responsibility for my actions but the guy obviously told one of his friends who then told my boyfriend right away.

He was furious, as I expected him to be ‘you lying cheating cunt’, ‘never talk to me again, you’ve ruined us’ among others…

I was stupid, it was a complete and utter dick move on my part, I never should have gone somewhere where that could have happened so easily when I was so angry and vunerable. I regret it more than anything, the worst mistake I’ve ever made in my life and I’ve lost him because of it.

I’ve spoken to him about it but he’s been too angry to hear me out, I tried sending him a massive bunch of flowers but it fell on death ears. Cheating is wrong on every account, after it happened to me so many times in the past I know there is no greater pain than it but it’s a very personal situation, I don’t think ‘once a cheat always a cheat’ is true and I also don’t think good advice to give people who have been cheated on is simply ‘ditch them’. I think theres a lot of variables to take into consideration, especially in this situation.

He’s recently been fired from his job and is being forced to move out of his home, he has a lot on his plate and turns out he just wanted some time to himself to get his life together without the distraction of a relationship. If he had met me and sat down and talked it through properly I would have understood completely and done whatever I could have to help him through it but I find it downright insulting that he couldn’t face asking me such a serious thing to my face. I think a break is something a couple should consent to together not one force upon the other.

I truly did believe he was ‘going on a break’ to go and fuck other people. He didn’t outline any rules, he simply forced me into it. It wasn’t like we were happy together and I just went off and did it, I was angry and upset at the time. Total dick move on my part for going and doing it the first night of this ‘break’ but I completely understand that…

I am so remorseful for my actions, I really am beating myself up about this, this is someone I really saw a future with and it came crashing down overnight… He’s told me he could never get back with someone after they’ve cheated but there’s a part of me that believes if you are going to go on a break with someone (I don’t even believe in the concept of ‘breaks’ anyway) if you don’t lay down any rules of monogamy how can you possibly call it cheating if you aren’t a couple at the time?

But he’s told me flat out he could never be with me again because I’ve cheated, posted on facebook that I cheated on him, didn’t tell any of his own or our mutual friends that he split with me. Just made me out to be the dick, which I am but still…

2

First off you were on the right track, if it’s a breath at he threw at you out of nowhere, didn’t discuss and basically said for you to deal with it he can’t expect you to sit around waiting for him forever since he most likely will not be. It’s not the best idea to go fooling around with other people while on a break just cause you can/are too drunk to resist but acting like you are at fault is pretty crappy. I would also point out that you have no guarantee he isn’t doing the same, maybe it bugs him that you have other “options” when we was the one who initiated a break.

I’d say don’t talk to him for a while and don’t act like you owe him an apology. In my opinion a break doesn’t usually help, it certainly didn’t for me. All it did was give my ex a month to decide she didn’t wanna date me an have a chance to hook up with a few of her guy “friends”. Accept what happened, go NC and forgive him for rejecting you and being a serious ass and then forgive yourself for any perceived wrong doings. Also, making it public like that is realllly crappy, it’s private business so telling everyone how terrible you are isnt a very good way of going about anything.

3

It’s a weird situation I know, he isn’t willing to accept any of the blame at the moment which I understand with how angry is and is insistant that I’ve just gone out and fucked around behind his back at no fault of his own. Again, I am well aware my behaviour is completely unacceptable and I do regret it, I really resent that I’ve hurt him this badly.

I really, really do want to fix things with him, yeah it wasn’t a perfect relationship (is there such a thing?) but it’s one that worked well for me. I’m just not sure where to begin with something like this.

The first week he was furious and it was futile even trying to talk to him. I was told by friends to just leave him alone and he’ll come to me. I ordered an expensive bunch of flowers (I don’t give the slightest shit about flowers but he does so I thought it’d be a nice gesture) with a note that simply said ‘I’m sorry’ to be delivered to his house on the second week, I hadn’t spoken to him in about 4 days at this point and the morning they were due to be delivered to him I had woken up to a text from him asking how I could ever do that to him, that he had been sick every time he thought of what I had done and couldn’t leave his bed, let alone his flat as he felt so awful. That killed me, how could I ever make somebody feel that bad, let alone somebody I’m in love with…

The conversation didn’t last long, I accepted that what I had was wrong and told him it was the worst mistake I’ve ever made, ultimately made the mistake of asking for a second chance which was the total wrong thing to do when the wounds are so fresh. He told me he could never give me a second chance.

During the week I met up with his housemate and best friend who I got on with really well, he told me I was a stupid twat for what I’ve done to him but he did miss me, he said he had no idea he had forced me to go on a break, however. His advice was just to give him some time to calm down and be sure of his feelings.

Come the weekend he tried to ring me out of nowhere, I answered with ‘hello’ and he hung up immediately. Text me that he was drunk and wanted to talk but he just couldn’t do it, told me he misses me everyday but just can’t. The next day said he wanted to meet me but then changed his mind immediately.

The weekend ended with him telling me that he could never ever be with me, repeated that he feels sick 24/7 and people are telling him what ive done and he hates it. He said that he understands I’m sorry and wish it never happened but it did.

I didn’t reply to him, I just need to leave him alone for a few weeks to accept what’s happened, no contact at all until he contacts me, if he even does. I want to write him a hand written letter and send it in a few week. Realistically I need him to realise that forcing me into a break was a bad move on his part but I can’t be the one to tell him that because I think it’d look like I was trying to shift the blame and it’d just cause more arguments and crush any hope I have of getting back with him.

Should I just accept things are over and walk away? Probably. Am I going to? No, I can’t just yet. It’s a very delicate situation and I need to play my cards perfectly to even stand a chance…

4

First off you need to calm down, you sound like you’re about to slide into full out panic. It’s not, and almost never will be, as bad as you think it is.

Ok first off stop blaming yourself. Seriously, it’s not your damn fault. So you guys went on a break that he wanted, brought up out of the blue, barely explained why and set no rules. You became understandably upset, went out, got plastered and hooked up with another guy to try and feel better, which ended up doing the exact opposite. That’s a big difference from sober, planning premeditated cheating that he is acting like you did. You were on a break, you were drunk and he never said you couldn’t date around so he has no real right to be pissed, if you guys said he no dating then that’s one thing but otherwise he needs to back it up a little the attitude.

Onto the attitude, the reason he is so upset is not because he doesn’t care but because he cares so much. Think about it, who’s opinions matter more, a casual fried or the friend who’s like a sister that you’ve known since you were 5. A bigger worry would be if he didn’t appear to care at all, because that’s when you know he doesn’t care. Take comfort in the fact that he still has such strong feelings and understand that those can be used to your advantage.

Now then, yes you need NC for a while, I’d say a month at least, maybe longer since he sounds like the type to hold a grudge. The good news? He is thinking about you, missing you and maybe he is so upset and angry because if it wasn’t for the break HE proposed you two would be together and happy still. So by not talking for a while all those bad emotions die down ad he focuses on the good things you had. Bad news? He is going to need a while, probably months, until he is ready to try again. Stupid or not he feels betrayed ad that takes time to fix. But before you fix that you need to forgive yourself and learn to love yourself, because that will show him more than anything else you are mature and grew from the experience.

5

jl27,

don’t worrie every body do mistake we are human. don’t worrie much every think will be fixed automatically. give him some space and try to get solve all you mistake what you have done and made him so hate to you. and show that you have changed a lot . he still has a feeling on you so don’t get down that you will loose him…yaa we get such feeling when we go for sudden break up…that he will choose the other pertner

so in mean time work on you self just consentrate on youself. see some comedy movie and go out side with friends. i knew it not so easy to stop think about him. as you are in healing period… make some new friends…play video gamess…and play some indoor or outdoor game which keep this topic some time away from you …and also pray to god … and also make him feel indirectly you still love him…

6

I haven’t spoken to him in over a week now, I didn’t reply to his last text which basically said ‘I could never be with you, I feel sick 24/7 at the thought of what you’ve done. I get that you’re sorry and wish it never happened but it did. I just can’t’

I figured I’d try and go no contact for 30 days or so then write him this hand written letter but never saying it’s my intention to get back with him.

Today it’s been just over a week and I got a text out of nowhere.

‘I miss you so much’

‘I hope your moving on and find a nice guy. Just don’t mess it up when you do find that lucky guy alright lol
I just wanted to be honest and I feel really alone, I wanted to make sure your ok’

‘I’m not trying to string you along, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have text’

I simply replied

‘I’m alright, been going to the gym every day and got a job interview tomorrow. Hope everything is ok’

To which he said

‘Seems you’re doing well’

‘I do miss you’

And I haven’t replied, I figured now is not the time to try and reconcile with him. I need to leave it a fair bit longer, keep going to the gym and buff up a bit. Hopefully get this decent job from the interview tomorrow, show that I can make changes in my life and be someone he would want to be with again…

It’s so hard! All I want to do is talk to him right now but I know it’ll end up pushing him away more and nothing will become of it.