Back in contact but not too responsive- leave or keep going?

Hi everyone,

My ex of about a year broke up with me just over a month ago, I accepted things and didn’t act needy or anything. After a 30 day NC period during which we didn’t hear from each other I got back in contact with an ‘elephant in the room’ text. She responded positively I thought, thanked me for a thoughtful text and asked how I was. I’m trying to follow Kevin’s texting advice (i.e. leaving things a bit, building up slow) and texted today after a few days from the initial text and short conversation. She replied but it was fairly short and I am just getting the impression she isn’t sure whether she wants to be in contact again.

What should I do? Should I keep sending the occasional text every few days and hope she comes round or leave things until she contacts me? Or should I straight up ask if she wants to be in contact? I’m feeling a bit lost here so any advice would really be appreciated.

Do not contact her again until she contacts you. I know some breakup coaches advocate for a 30 day no contact period, but I do not believe in that in the slightest. Every personality is different and the circumstances of every breakup is different. To just assume that all people are going to feel the same after 30 days and be ready to talk again is absurd in my book.

Although I do know that is human nature to want what we can’t have and to miss those we love when hadn’t heard from them in a long time, the amount of time it takes each person to get to that point is going to vary greatly. That is why I always say that “no contact ends when your ex contacts you, not at some predetermined date”.

You are in good shape because your ex actually responded to your first attempt in a positive way. However, it is clear she is not ready. Respect that immediately and continue your no contact. I think she will reach out to you within a couple months. In the meantime focus on doing things you enjoy and take care of yourself. You need to rebuild the attraction she once felt for you, so that when she does contact you, you are ready.

Remember, no contact portrays security and confidence. It makes you look good to your ex and it causes her to wonder about you and best of all worry that you are moving on. She will want to contact you just to avoid losing you once her resentful feelings had passed. Those resentful feeling can only pass when you are not reminding her that you are there waiting for her.

Thanks Seth for your reply, I think I needed to hear something like that. She has since text me asking about a film I said I’d watched so I did reply but haven’t heard anything back so I am going to leave it up to her to get back in contact. I’m not going to ignore her if she texts again as that kind of defeats the point but I don’t know how to build a connection again if she doesn’t seem willing to engage. I almost feel it would be better to ask if I could call and talk through things.

I know everyone on here is probably having similar thoughts but I really do feel like if we sat down and talked things through we could fix things between us.

Yes calling and talking things through absolutely will not work and will only make things worse. We cannot reason our way out of a breakup. This is about feelings and attraction. Currently her feelings and attraction for you are lower. Trying to reason with her will just be seen as mansplaining and she will pull away even more.

Let her have her breakup. Let her feel the consquences of it and feel your absense. When your favorite song comes on the radio, she will wish you were there. When she sees a funny meme you would get, she will wish she could share it with you. After her resentful feelings pass all kinds of happy reminders of you will be popping up and the urge to contact you will be overwhelming. That is if you remain no contact completely. This includes liking her posts on social media. Full no-contact.

Yes, do not ignore her when she reaches out, but keep your replies casual. Let her initiate any deep conversations. Send only one reply at a time. Also be wary of ending up in the just friends zone. We don’t want that either. I will explain why and what to do if you get the impression that is where it’s going.

It sounds like you are still in good shape.