That is right. We can’t reason our way out of a breakup. We have all tried and it failed every time. Any attempts will only set you back. Whereas no attempts to contact her show security and confidence in you. That is very attractive.
It will take time for any hurt, anger and mostly determination to stick with her decision to change. You are on the right track. Keep focusing on yourself and remember if she does something drastic out of the blue, like block you, don’t read into it too much. It’s just her really struggling to stick with her decision and trying to remove all temptations. It can actually be a good sign if she does that for no reason.
Thanks Seth. My biggest problem at the moment is anxiety. I keep thinking about her meeting someone else. And with her big event coming up I’m convincing myself she is going to meet someone. Feel like I should be there. I still feel connected to her I guess, when I know I shouldn’t be.
Trying my best to disconnect now.
Remember what I said about rebound relationships? They will actually bring her back to you. She is only going to compare him to you and he won’t measure up. But, this is another reason why you should unfriend her before things like that happen or she unfriends you first.
Don’t worry about the event. If she is going to get into a rebound, she doesn’t need an event for that. And, no you should not be there, so don’t go for any reason. The fact that you won’t be there is also good. She is going to be thinking about that and wishing you were there. You want her to feel your absence.
She is still very much feeling that connection to you too. Rebound relationships, ignoring you and other behavior are simply attempts to try to cover up her real feelings and avoid the consequences of breaking up with you. If you stay no contact and keep that air of mystery and confidence around you, she is going to miss you and will struggle to stick with it. She is watching your profile every day. She is thinking about you all the time. Yes I am sure. She would have to be unless she is a sociopath. You were together for 3 years.
Thanks Seth. I don’t have any prof she is seeing someone…just a hunch. Her big event is today. I’m really pleased with myself I have stayed away and wished her luck. Today will be difficult for me because I was going to be involved too. But I have other plans.
With you saying a rebound may help my chances. What if she mentally left the relationship months before we broke up? As in she mightnof been completely over me before we broke anyway?
First, I am not sure, but it kind of sounds like you said you wished her luck for her event today. I hope you didn’t do that. It’s not the most damaging if you did, but it means you broke no contact and gave her the message that you are still on her hook and still thinking of her.
All of our Exes mentally leave the relationship before they physically leave it. Like I said before, nobody just wakes up one day and decides to break up. It took time for them to first get to that frame of mind and then more time to mentally checkout. Then a little more time to decide life will be better without you, before actually experiencing life without you.
This is why we go no contact and let them experience life without us. If we keep our presence in the background, we are not fully letting them experience that. They will never get a chance to miss us and therefore can slowly ween themselves off us without ever really feeling the consequences of the breakup. When they ween themselves off us, they are gone for good. That is why full no contact, living our lives and portraying a happy image of ourselves is the best way if not only way to get our ex back.
Sorry typing error. I did NOT wish her luck. I was pleased with myself for not doing that.
I’ve got through today which I’m pleased about, it was tough but I kept busy.
You are doing very good and the strength and confidence you are displaying is noticeable. You should be proud of yourself. What you are doing is not easy. Our emotions try to overpower our rational mind and convince us to do something different. It takes a strong person to ignore the powerful emotions and stay on track.
Thanks, I’m proud of myself by not trying to talk to her. Beleive me I’ve had moments I want nothing more. but then I try to think…she has ignored me for three weeks so why should I message her again.
Deep down I know other girls are out there and ones that won’t ignore me but I need to get over the love for my ex first. It would be unfair on another girl if I am still longing for my ex. I certainly wouldn’t like it. I need to find myself first. Unfortunately I’ve come to admit to myself I don’t think she’s coming back. At least I’m not going to try anyway. I’ve done enough, she knows where I am. And no contact will help me hopefully get I’ve really her to the point I feel nothing.
I’d love to get to a point where I feel balanced out and no longer waking in the middle of the night, dreaming about her, anxiety feelings all day every day, feeling like rubbish, wok define what she is doing. All this is not healthy for me.
You are right, there are other girls out there. That is the real point of no contact, so you can find yourself again and start feeling like yourself again. So you are not just attractive to your ex, but to other women as well (bonus, that will drive your ex crazy and make her chase you. The competition, whether real or imagined)
Right now you are in a state of grief and one of the stages of grief is negotiation. So you will likely go back and forth on different positions. Like today you said you don’t think she is coming back, tomorrow you might think something different. You will be on an emotional roller coaster for awhile. Sometimes you will be mad at her and want to contact her just to yell at her. Sometimes you will feel sympathy for her and want to comfort her. Sometimes you might blame yourself and want to apologize. No contact helps you get past this emotional roller coaster phase and to a more balanced state of mind.
Anytime you are feeling that overwhelming urge to contact her, whether to express your anger, sadness, sympathy or guilt, it might help to remind yourself that you will probably feel differently tomorrow and anything you say now you will regret then.
There were times when I would be thinking about my ex and just start fuming. I would decide I am just going to text her right now and tell her that I am done with her, GOODBYE! But I had to stop myself and remind myself that tomorrow I am going to wish I could take that back. Staying no contact got her to eventually reach out to me. When that happens to you, you might decide you don’t want her back anymore, but at least you have the option to decide.
You are right, my emotions change hourly at the moment! I’m trying really hard not to obsess! The last two days she has posted more pics on instagram than ever. Like a lot. I’m trying hard not to read much into it…I think it’s my mind creating scenarios which aren’t there. She posted a pic of her fixing her car by her self. This is something I used to do for her. And in the pic was a gift that I gave to her still stuck in the car. Of course this got my mind thinking but I have to tell myself none of this really means anything.
Yes. That pattern is very familiar. She is trying hard to get your attention and make you break no contact to show her you e still on her hook. When you changed your profile picture she paniced. It looked like you are moving on and she doesn’t want that. She wants her safety net while she tries other options. Now that she sees that safety net slipping away all she can think about is getting it back. Imagine the panic if you unfriend her. Eventually she is going to contact you. Its sounding like it might be sooner than later.
Try posting some pictures of you having fun.
Well I think she is seeing someone. I can’t believe it and I’m so upset I’ll be honest. I’m absolutely heartbroken ? imagining them together is just horrible. I don’t know what to do!
Anxiety is through the roof right now. I’ve been walking for hours and it’s not helping.
What are you basing that on? That is not a reason to contact her if its true. So don’t. If she is indeed in a rebound she is only comparing him to you and he isn’t measuring up. Your no contact makes you look better than him and he will become annoying to her because its you she wants to hear from. Every day she doesn’t get a text from you, but gets one from him instead only increases her curiosity about what is happening with you and her anxiety that YOU are with someone else. Every text she gets from him is a disappointment, because it is not from you. She will associate her rebound with disappointment.
People get into rebound relationships to try to avoid the feelings for their ex. But it doesnt work that way. The rebound will crash and they will come back to you before too long. That is if you stay no contact. However, if you break no contact you will come off as needy and desperate and unattractive, therefore making him look good. You will only push her further into his arms. Stay no contact. Keep the power on your side. Soon the tension will be high in her rebound and HE will bE the one acting needy and insecure and push her back to you.
When I found out that my ex was in a rebound I was upset too and it took a lot to not contact her. But I started telling myself that he is just competition and I am going to win. Because I know her. I won. She came back to me and he ended up looking really pathetic in his attempts to keep her.
Now all that said, how do you know she is seeing someone? Did you see a picture? Have you stopped to think maybe she is just trying to make you jealous so you will contact her and show her that all this matters to you? Remember this is a power struggle. Your no contact and changing your profile picture made her realize she isn’t in control anymore. You are moving on and she is panicking. She will do just about anything to regain control and get you back on the hook. That’s why you need to unfriend her, remove any pics of her and focus on yourself. You will win if you do that. It will be really hard, but that is why you are going to look so strong and mature.
I haven’t contacted her. It’s her social media activity that makes me think she is seeing someone. And a gut feeling. I haven’t seen a picture. I hope she is comparing him, i remember when we used to talk to the early hours every morning when we started seeing eachtiher. It was constant. I don’t see that from her now. I’m not going to contact, I don’t see the point now. It nearly four weeks since she last ignored my message. Usually previous times she at least reads it. This one not even done that.
I am in my 40s. I have been in a few long term relationships and breakups. I have made all the mistakes and learned from them. I have done countless hours of research on human nature, relationships and personality disorders. Then I applied what I learned to my own future relationships and helped others with much success.
Everything you are describing I have seen before in my own relationships and with people I helped. I am very confident that your ex is doing exactly what I said for the reasons I said. And, it sounds like you are playing right into it and not considering the full picture. The reason her social media activity is up so much in a way that is pulling on your heart strings is because SHE is feeling as anxious as you are about losing you. You changing your profile puc and staying no contact triggered that. This is exactly what we want.
She is beginning to feek the consequences of the breakup and the fear of lossing you. She is trying to regain control and get you chasing her again with this activity. She knows well that you are watching her profile and EVERYTHING she does on it is for you to see. If you are goung to keep looking,you have to get in the right frame of mind. When you see something, you have to smile and think to yourself; “Honey, I know what you are trying to do, but it’s not going to work. If you want to talk to me, you know where to find me.” While you are at it, post things on your page that shows you are just fine without her. I am serious. This will work. And, I am not convinced there is another guy and even if there is, so what. He is nobody. You are the real thing. He is a temporary bandaid.
This is my advice to you and I know exactly what I am talking about. Your emotional roller coaster is on a nose dive at the moment. Tomorrow it might start climbing again. Remember that your ex is thinking about you or she wouldn’t be posting the way she is. People do not just walk away from three year long relationships and forget about the other person.
Thanks Seth and I appreciate all your help. She definitely knows where to find me. I’m going to post things, I have a business page which she sees and she can see I have grown that. I still think maybe is another guy but I don’t have any proof so I can’t say she is. I guess sometimes you just get a feeling. Of course I understand my feelings are all over the place right now. I’m just going to continue doing what I’m doing. She knows how I feel/ felt and she has to come to me, I’m content with not speaking to her again now. I agree people can’t just walk away. Three years is a long time and we shared lots of memeories together.
I understand now from doing a lot of reading up and videos etc that usually what you think is right ( trying to talk to them, tell them you’ve changed etc) just falls on deaf ears. You do the opposite which has been your advice from the start so thanks.
You are welcome. This is what I do. You are doing well. Keep it up. It will get easier soon.
Cheers Seth.
I’m feeling a bit better the last couple of days, not as much intense anxiety etc. I still miss her obviously but I can see things a bit clearer.
I still don’t know whether she is now trying to get my attention/ copy me from a far. I tend to overthink so it may well just be me.
Things like. Liking a pic of a dog that is exactly the same looking as mine. Mine went missing and this other dog went missing too and she like dot because it got found. I mentioned something to do with colors. Her next two posts she mentioned colors. Not the same but still. I advertised something on Facebook that I had avavilbe. A few hours after she did the same. More pics with my gifts in them. She must know surely I got them her or maybe she just doesn’t now give it a second thought like me. Either way I’m glad she feels ok to still show them!
Any way not much, I’m trying my best not to overthink!
It’s good to hear from you.
What you described may or may not mean anything on a conscious level, but I think there is a good chance that subconsciously she liked and posted these particular things because they reminded her of you. I am almost positive that at this point she is starting to wonder about you and miss you (consciously).
What I know for sure is that over time little reminders of you are going to keep popping up and she is going to wish you were there to share them with. Maybe that picture of the dog was one of them? For example, if your favorite band comes on the radio, that is going to cause an instant flashback to you and will probably be followed by a moment of sadness that you are not there to listen to it with her. These little things are the kind of things that eventually inspire her to reach out just to say hello and see how you are doing.
That is another beautiful thing about no contact. Our ex’s defenses start to come down and little reminders are able to get into their heads. Eventually the defenses will be completely lowered and reminders will be everywhere. The urge to reach out to you will become as overwhelming for her as it is for you now.
I hope she does start to miss me. It’s obviously not enough to contact me yet. My message is still unread and ignored. It’s been over 4 weeks now. I wonder about her everyday, I can feel her drifting away now, and my feelings lessening but I can still hope one day she will get in touch. I may eventually myself send her a message but when I feel I have nothing to lose and know my feelings won’t get hurt. And if I also know she isn’t seeing someone else. It’s coming up to three months since we broke now.
The dog picture may well be a reminder for her. It’s funny how it was kinky that one and the dog is the spitting image of mine.
I’m not angry at her for this but I do feel a little bit disrespected that she has blatantly ignored me a month. I know o certainly wouldn’t do that for her. I think she lost all respect and feelings for me in the end.