Forgive the stunning length of my tale.
So here’s the story,
I dated a girl in my teens, we were together four years, and coming up on my 20th birthday she left me (my fault). The reality of the situation was that she was my first love, but I was young and wanted to sleep around, and so I did (a lot) after a few months we tried to reconcile, but she had fallen in love with her rebound, and things fell through. This devastated me, and for two years I indulged In self destructive behavior. I was emotionally distant from all women, and instead coped through partying and sex.
Now here is where the real story begins. Two years of debauchery pass, and I meet a girl that was drop dead gorgeous, and had an amazing personality. After a passionate first couple months (sex, movies, dates, trips to Miami) we make it official. She is close with many of my friends as we’ve all gone to the same high school and colleges, and begins telling my closest friends that she is in love with me, and fears I will be the one to break her heart. Now at this point, I have an emotional complex from my previous heartbreak that leads me to deny my feelings for her. Friends would tell me I love her, yet I would deny, say stupid things like “she’ll never be my ex” and the like. Here is the truth of the matter: I was 21, and terrified of opening up again, and fully denied to myself and my friends that she was the one. As time passes, I treat her terribly (ignoring her, fighting with her, saying terrible things to her) yet she would do anything to stay with me, and so the relationship continued. In our good times we were amazing, we loved all the same music, loved the spotlight, loved a good drink and great laughs. She met my family and they fell in love with her, she was so kind and caring and friendly toward them, that my family saw her as my soulmate. About a year and a half into the relationship, I fucked up big time. Accidentally drank myself into a black out, and hooked up with a random girl at the bar (don’t even know her name). She catches me red handed, and it devastated her, but I was truly blacked out, and so I explained how sorry I was and told her I was tired of running from the fact that I was deeply in love with her (the first time I said it). She makes the decision to forgive me, and for the next year we do very well, though I’m still at odds with the demons in my head. We continue to argue in our drunk nights, and I often weaponized the relationship, breaking up with her for a day to get my way.
Then one day I have an epiphany, and out of the blue I remember saying to myself “this girl is one in a billion, and you need to get your shit together, treat her right, and someday marry her”. I can’t stress how much she did for me, from driving me to school, work, and probation meetings after my DUI (happened a few months before we met) to putting up with all my bullshit, and always being there for me. I get my license back, and find a great job, purchase a truck, and we start to live like normal people. Our relationship was at the apex of our social group, people were always watching us, we had tons of friends, and we were the couple people loved to be around, because we were fun, and never shoved it in our friends faces. So I get my shit together, I start taking her on lavish dates, expensive trips, flowers unexpectedly, the whole nine yards. We still fight on and off, but always when we’re drinking.
And then the unthinkable happens: I go to class one morning, and she uses my laptop to do some homework. When I walk in the door, she hands me my laptop, and open are my messages app… she’s caught me redhanded once again; she found messages from about a year back, between me and a few girls, just kind of flirting and planning meetups. Now I will say that none of them occurred, and I did not cheat, though my intentions were clear. And so the breakup initiates.
Now for the first week, she’s devastated, and her friends are ready to hang me from my toes and leave me to the crows, but she’s still sneaking over to my house, coming out to bars with me, and we’re having sex, but she keeps telling me she’s not ready to forgive me. She says she will in time, because she knows we’re meant to be, and so in the meantime I send her flowers, and write her dozens of notes (I’m very poetic by nature, and love notes are a specialty of mine). Regardless, her friends are livid that she is even giving me the time of day, and so we continue back and forth between arguing over how to proceed, and what the future holds. And then she decides it’s over, I’ve fucked up to many times, and she just can’t bring herself to be with me. I send her flowers one last time to arrive on Valentine’s Day, and leave it at that. Then the following day comes after V-day, and she asks to come over. I play it cool, tell her I’m there if she needs me, but after an hour of waiting for her to arrive, she tells me she doesn’t think she should come. This is something she’s done several times over our month long breakup, and so I say it’s a broken record, and she’s better off just not reaching out. Let me tell you, she absolutely lost it. In one long text she outlined everything I had ever done wrong, and made it clear only I was to blame for all of this. I conceded, told her I loved her, and that I can’t change the past but could certainly be a better man. Suddenly a text: “I’m coming over.” And so she does. A long tight hug when she walks into my room, and then she asks to shower. I tell her go ahead, I’ll be doing some homework. But she asks me to come in with her. No sex, a brief makeout session, and we hop out and head to lunch. We talk, and she tells me she felt this needed to happen for us both to grow. We head back to my house, and I lay down for a nap. She crawls in beside me, lays her head on my chest and I begin to massage her. After I few minutes I ask permission to kiss her, and she grants it. We makeout like a couple teenagers for the better part of an hour, but she denies my advance for sex, saying it would be to much for her handle. We both shed a few tears, she packs her things, and I kiss her one last time goodbye. I have not seen her since, and it’s been almost a month.
For the first 8 days, she ignores two brief texts I send, so I respect her need for space and don’t reach out. Then I fuck up. 8 days in and I feel lost and dejected. Drunk at a bar, I find myself talking to two beautiful girls I’ve never met, and one girl ends up taking snaps on my phone. She sees them, and sends a simple laughing emoji. And then the war begins… the next day she posts a snap to her story of her at lunch with a guy. So the following morning, I call her and ask for closure (how can we have that makeout day and then just nothing?). She tells me “for me that was closure” in my head I’m thinking “how in the hell is that closure?!” But I let her be. Here and now I implement no contact. She texts me that night apologizing for being so mean, and says it’s all been so hard it’s the only way she can deal. I ignore. So we go 10 days no contact at all, and she sneaks off to St. Augustine for a night on the beach with her work supervisor (dude is a total rebound. I can say that with certainty) so 10 days in, she begins to text me, because no contact is driving her crazy. But I stick to my guns and I ignore her. She’s in shock that I can just cut her out, and she’s begging me to speak to her, yet I don’t. But after 14 days, we hit a bump: it’s her 21st birthday. So I reach out, and simply say “Happy 21st Birthday!” Her response? “Lol thank you”. This was expected, and I did not wish for anything more. But as the night goes on, I’m downtown with some of my friends, making sure I avoid her. When I hear she’s on the way to where my group was, I make a quick escape. Didn’t want to interfere with her day. My friends text me and tell me “she’s got her rebound here, guys a tool and ugly. She’s not even hanging around him.” Whatever, I knew already so I’m just going to bed. Then she texts me a sad face. I ignore. When I wake up the next morning, my buddy calls and tells me the details. She was devastated I wasn’t there and we aren’t together. She left her rebound and sat in the bathroom with a friend, crying nonstop over me. She went home with her friends and texted me again saying her birthday was terrible and she’s “so fucking sad”.
Now I feel terrible. It was never my intention to ruin us, and certainly not her 21st birthday! So the following morning I reach out, and initiate a brief conversation. I don’t mention her rebound at all, and I stay positive and confident as I talk about what went wrong with her night. The convo ends with me telling her to have a good day, and keep her head up. She thanks me, and that is that.
So that is my story, again forgive the length. I love this girl more than I can even explain. Not because I need her, but because she is a beautiful soul and I want to see her smile always. I know should we never get back together, I will be fine. But I think we have a connection few people find in life. I have done a lot of soul searching, and I know I must become a better man regardless of if she comes back to me. I must let go of my demons, my anger, my jealousy, and insecurity and so I have focused myself on mental and physical strength, time with friends and family, and school and work. But when I look to my side, I see her there, even though she’s not. I want her back, and I know we could live happily ever after should I get that chance, but I’m unsure of how to progress…
I guess what I’m looking for is an outside perspective on all of this, and perhaps a little guidance on where to go from here?