Advice on getting back my ex/getting over him

Breakup Help reconciliation
1

Hi! My story is a little bit different from the ones on here so I’m hoping I can get advice particular to my case :slight_smile: I met my (now ex) boyfriend about 8 months ago and we broke up about 3 weeks ago. From the night we met, we connected, which has never happened to me before. I felt like I finally found what I always wanted in a partner, and he claimed he felt the same about me. As you can probably guess, we ended up sleeping together the first night we met, but for most of our relationship it didn’t seem like going so fast was a negative thing.

In general, our relationship was super healthy and we were crazy about each other (and obviously I’m still crazy about him!). We each have emotional baggage from our childhood and past relationships, but overall I think we’ve both grown a lot and are aware of our issues. However, over the past couple months, I think we finished the honeymoon phase and started having some problems. In the beginning, we dealt with them in a very healthy way by communicating and making it up to each other. But as time went on, I think we became complacent and I started getting more emotional and he starting distancing himself more.

About a week before he broke up with me, we had our first argument. I think what made it bad to him was that it was in the middle of the night (I couldn’t sleep) and he was really stressed with work. He ended up leaving my place around 6 am and from that point forward he started pushing me away. A few days later, I pressed him about our relationship (a mistake, I know!) and he ended up breaking up with me.

I have to admit, right after he broke up with me, I begged for him back. But not wanting to be a crazy ex, I just went home and cried the rest of the day. He texted me apologizing, and I said he was just doing what he thought was best, and we just kept apologizing to each other until I decided to stop texting. For another week, I didn’t text him at all.

I’m trying to do no contact, and although we have texted a few times since the breakup, I’m pretty confident now that I can continue no contact for at least another month. Like I said, our relationship was super healthy and both of us agreed that it was the best relationship we ever had, which is why I’m now more confused than hurt. Another thing I didn’t mention is that he has told me numerous times that he has commitment issues, so I guess I was kind of prepared for this, but it still sucks.

I know now that I don’t want him back just because I’m lonely, because since the breakup, almost all of my exes have started contacting me (and one even offered to hook up haha) and I’ve already given a new guy my number. But even with all this attention I only want my ex!

Does it seem like I have a chance getting him back? And if so, how long should I do no contact? Any other advice?

2

I’m the same. I’ve been out with other guys but still miss my ex a lot. Unfortunately for me even with no contact he thinks that’s weird to miss someone for two months. Idk
What I can do but you still have a
Shot. Go out with the new guy just for fun. Don’t worry about anything. And keep up full no contact, not even one text, until after a month.

You can do it. Even when I found out my dad had cancer and I only wanted to talk to my ex I resisted.

3

Hi Sally, I don’t see why you are doing No Contact. If you are not ready to move on do not do it. Sometimes NC can work in a negative way. Also I think you have a chance at getting back. I don’t think your ex thought his decision through.

I think that you should contact him and give your sweet words another chance. If you want him back you will have to the work here. Hope he makes it easy for you. Be prepared for a no I don’t want to try again. Thats when you will start a NC period but now I just don’t see it working.

What made you go into NC? If there is something you are hiding in this post. Do not stop your NC. Keep doing the 5step plan.

4

Thanks so much you guys! And I hope things work out with you and either a new guy and your ex Amanda7714 :slight_smile:

leidy1000, I’m doing no contact because everywhere I look online says to do no contact and because my ex doesn’t seem interested right now. He’s also mentioned to me before that he never gets back with exes, which is way I’m hesitant to discuss the breakup.

Like I said, we have talked (through text and in person - we go to the same school) since the breakup, but we kept things casual. I gave him his stuff back already, but later found a few more things, but he’s been putting off coming to pick them up. Maybe this is a sign he regrets the breakup? He also hasn’t told any of his friends about the breakup because I’ve seen them in passing and they’ve asked me about him. He also still hasn’t changed his facebook profile picture(s) that have me in them…

My instincts are telling me to wait to talk to him until he wants to get his stuff. Like I said, he’s stressed with work and (in stereotypical male fashion) wants space when he’s stressed, so I’m trying to show that I respect his decision to breakup but at the same time I really think we have something special. Do you still have the same opinion knowing all this (that I shouldn’t do no contact)?

5

Oh I now understand. Yes please keep doing No Contact until he comes around. You are right he does need space. Relationships are hard to have when life hits you with too much crap. Im not sure about how long you should be in No Contact. I think the rule goes by length of the relationship. Idk but just finish your 30days. I wish you lots of luck. Keep us posted.

6

Thank you so much for the support :slight_smile: I have another question that maybe you can help me with. I have a feeling he’s going to contact me to come get his stuff before my 30 days of no contact is done. Do you think I should be there when he comes to get his stuff or should I have someone else let him in? Or leave it outside (although that seems cruel)?

7

Idk what you feel like doing. Its all up to you. I would let someone else let him in. Since the break up is still fresh.

8

Okay thanks! I’ve been planning on having one of my housemates let him in, so it’s nice to know that someone else agrees :slight_smile: Have a good day!

9

Update! I saw my ex today at school (bumped into him twice -_-). However, I felt strong and happy and just smiled and waved! I think this is getting easier. I still miss him (especially after I see him), but the emotions are not as strong.

I also want some advice on dating. I’ve read on multiple sites that I should date during no contact (for multiple reasons), and I’m becoming more open to dating. Do you think it’s okay if I make a profile on an online dating site?

10

Did he wave back?

No dating advice here. I just think dating so soon sabotages your healing. If you are willing to date go ahead and make the profile. Go onone date and see how you feel, but you are definitely not obligated to date with a broken heart.

11

Yes, he waved back :slight_smile: He’s a sweetheart (which is one of the reasons I love him!).

I do want to date, if anything just to learn and grow as a person. I’ll continue to keep you updated. Thanks, leidy1000!

12

Oh I see why you are so happy. That was nice of him to wave back.

Update us on your date also. Some of us are afraid of dating soon. :slight_smile:

13

Yes, I am extremely lucky :slight_smile: I’ll let you know how dating goes!

14

So I don’t have an update on dating, but I do need some advice on communication with my ex. He contacted me today for the first time since I decided to start no contact - just giving me some updates on his life and asking me how I’m doing - and I’m wondering whether I should reply or not. He’s such a sweetheart that I don’t want to ignore him, but I’m not sure if I’ll be breaking no contact if I just tell him something like I need more space and time to accept the break up (so I can continue no contact without being a jerk). I’ll probably also post about this in the “No Contact” board to get some more advice :slight_smile:

15

Avoid replying during no contact but if you do a short message saying you need time and space is okay, but as do not reply immediately, wait hours or days. Also yeah start dating and drop subtle hints on social media to make him curious and jealous. Don’t overdo it though. During no contact make sure your emotions stay a mystery to your ex and he must think that you are okay with the breakup and living your life. Since you see him at school it should be easier by telling mutual friends you are doing great if they ask.

16

@ sallys ; I’m glad you texted him to say you need more time and space. His reply of saying I’m here if you wanna chat doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good sign. It might just be that it was a kind and thoughtful way to respond. But you wonder if it means he wants you to chase him. He is the one who broke up with you, so he is the one who should be chasing you if he wants to reconcile!

You gave him his stuff back, but found a few more things he puts off picking up and you wonder if that’s a sign he regrets the breakup. It seems you are trying to read something into every little detail and trying to read or understand his mind and thinking. If you continue to do this, you will drive yourself crazy. Try to take everything at face value!

I respectfully disagree with Saadcrackz about dropping hints about dating on social media. This early on, most often it backfires! He might think you didn’t love him or care about the relationship.

You wrote:“I think what made it bad to him was that it was in the middle of the night (I couldn’t sleep) and he was really stressed with work. He ended up leaving my place around 6 am and from that point forward he started pushing me away.” A few days later he broke up with you. I wonder if you were preventing him from sleeping because you wanted to talk about emotions or something… If he had to get up for work or was stressed and tired, and if you did that, it was very inconsiderate.

Okay, so he told you many times he has commitment issues. The best thing you can do at this point is to let him know how it feels to live his life without you. Maybe and hopefully he will miss you enough to reconsider. Anything less than his wanting to talk and resolve the issues with you is just showing care and concern, but not the desire to reunite. Continue no contact and be pleasant when you see him at school, but DO NOT chase him.

You can’t talk your way back. He has to make up his own mind, one way or the other! I know you’re devastated and I’m wishing you the best of luck:)

17

Omg Sally the day you have been waiting for! Your message sounds perfect. You definitely need space to accept the break up. When my ex first contacted me he only wanted to catch up on my life. It sucks they think they can seek a friendship so fast. Don’t let him know your feelings. I made the mistake of telling my ex I missed him on the first text. He just said God knows. I didn’t understand that but I immediately knew he didn’t write to apologize. He only wanted to know if I had moved on.

Also Patricia is right. Just keep doing No contact until he specifically says he misses you. If he does he will say it without you asking.

18

Ahhh thank you both! I’m so thankful for you (and everyone else on this forum)!

Patricia12, I think you said a couple things I really needed to hear (and remind myself of daily from now on). I know I’m reading too much into things when I just need to focus on completing NC and working on myself :slight_smile: I also agree that I was inconsiderate when I got upset in the middle of the night. He didn’t have work that morning, but I know he was stressed in general and I know that I was being very selfish in that moment. Thankfully for me, I know what ultimately pushed him to break up with me and I’m currently working on my issues. Also, don’t worry - I’m doing my best not to chase him! I didn’t even reply to his text about chatting because I made it clear that I needed space and would not respond to his texts.

Leidy1000, I completely agree! It’s nice to know that he was thinking of me, but there’s no way we can just start being friends. I knew if I responded to his text I’d end up getting emotional and probably also tell him that I missed him :confused: But I’m sure if you two (and me and my ex) are meant to be together, such a little “mistake” won’t matter. If you can get through no contact from now on, it might even get him thinking!

19

Sally, hes text was very nice. To me it means he misses you. Even just for a talk.

If we are meant to be we will be. No matter the time separated.

20

I agree that it was very nice and I know he misses me :slight_smile: hopefully I can stick it out for another few weeks of no contact!

I agree - if you’re meant to be it will happen no matter what. Hang in there.

I also wanted to give an update on how dating is going for me. So far I’ve gone out twice with the same guy, who also recently went through a breakup. The dates have been nice, but both times just reminded me how great my ex was and how I only want him. The first night, I cried on the way home because I missed him so much, but the second night just made me want to work harder to get him back. Although all of this made me miss him, it also convinces me that my ex means a lot to me and I don’t want him back just because I’m lonely, which is a bittersweet feeling.