A few questions...

no-contact-rule
1

I’ve been looking up advice about “how to get back with your ex”, but my situation is a little weird, so let’s start there. We weren’t really in a relationship, we were essentially dating/friends with benefits and I caught feelings. When she ended things, she told me that she wouldn’t have thought anything of me outside of being friends had I not asked her out. She also told me that she did gain attraction in the beginning, but that it started to die out.

In my needy and desperate state, I asked her why she didn’t have feelings for me anymore, and she told me she didn’t know, she just didn’t. I pressed this issue quite a bit, and we’re both very honest with each other, but she said that sometimes feelings just die out. I am disinclined to believe this. Generally, everything that I can see in our “relationship” was great: we get along great, never fought, had great sex (something she openly agreed about), had great conversations and laughs, and generally have fun together.

In my mind, the only things I can think of that may have caused her to lose attraction are the following. I am not always the most masculine person; sometimes I come off as more beta, and so I may not be as decisive and driving of a force as I would need to be to be an ideal partner, at least for her. Coming with that, I am more emotional and affectionate, which I’m sure comes off as needy. I would say that I became too dependent on doing things with and for her, and that is what made her lose attraction. After all, she never really wanted a relationship in the first place (she “just wants to be single right now”, as she’s told the other guy she’s sleeping with as well); however, I believe if she met the right person/felt the right attraction, she would likely be ready and willing to be in a relationship.

My first question: Because this wasn’t a true relationship, and based on my situation, will this process even work?

Second: Her birthday is coming up in about a week. I’ve currently already started implementing the No Contact Rule, but I feel it is insensitive to completely ignore her birthday. Would it be alright for me to break just to say happy birthday?

Thanks!!

2

How long were you friends with benefits? Did you sometimes date her outside the bedroom?

She told you and the other guy she doesn’t want a relationship and she wants to be single. Maybe she had a vague sort of attraction to you in the beginning, but after getting to know you, she decided she didn’t want a relationship with you. You are who you are… and you don’t need to change your personality and characteristics in order for the “right girl” to be attracted and want a legitimate relationship with you!

If you do the no contact process, she will most likely miss your company, but that doesn’t mean she will change her mind! I’m sorry, but the best thing to do is get on with your life and continue dating others (properly) until you find one you really like/love and who wants to be your girlfriend.

Yes, it would be polite to send her a birthday greeting… especially if you’ve know each other for some length of time.

3

Thanks for your response!

We’ve been friends for almost a year, and fwb for 6 months. And yes, we went on a lot of dates together outside of the bedroom.

The problem to me is that I have pretty much all of the qualities she would be looking for in a partner, which is why I think it may have been the neediness and dependence that pushed her attraction away. I’m hoping by changing that she’ll find that attraction again.

4

You can’t make someone want you. How exactly did you display neediness? Please give examples. To me, going by your post, you didn’t really become needy until after she broke off the FWB relationship… Again, you shouldn’t change your personality to please her.

You wrote:“After all, she never really wanted a relationship in the first place…” You can’t force a relationship.

5

Sorry, I guess I didn’t clarify that. I could definitely see myself as needy throughout most of the time we were dating. I would text her constantly (not completely abnormal, as she reciprocated), always try to make plans with her and didn’t really try to make plans of my own either doing my own thing alone or with my friends, I was super affectionate, I complimented her all the time, etc. I definitely don’t want to change my personality to be with her, but I do want to always work on the aspects of me that can be refined and bettered.

You’re right, I can’t force a relationship, and I respect that she doesn’t really want one right now. I do want a relationship, or at least the chance at one at some point with her, but I’m willing to wait and be friends. I guess really what I’m looking to do is build back the attraction she had so that if there’s a point she does want a relationship, I’m at the top of the list.

6

Okay, texting too much is a needy trait. It gets boring after a while. And asking for too much of her time and neglecting your own is needy.

Affectionate is good, but too much is needy. And compliments are good, but too many isn’t.

So if you back off by not texting all day every day would be a good thing. Spending more time with friends and family would be good.

From now on, set limits on your contact!

Good luck:)