Hi Kevin,
I’ve been reading your site ever since my gf of 2.5 years broke it off 2 weeks ago. We’ve been best friends since we started dating in another city, and over the last 2 years have moved in together in a new city where we didn’t know anyone. The move and all the life changes put a lot of stress on our relationship, as she’d quit her job for the move and I was starting a new position. To make matters worse, we just didn’t have anyone other than one another to talk to or hang out with in our new city. While we remained close and relied on each other a lot, we became less and less intimate. I was unhappy trying to prop up the relationship and give extra effort only to have her become increasingly depressed and withdrawn. Again, more stress. We’d talked a lot about us and what we needed to do to make things better, including a short break at this time last year, but nothing ever seemed to stick. Things finally culminated 2 weeks ago when she returned from a family vacation and told me she doesn’t love me anymore. She just doesn’t have feelings for me, and is no longer attracted to me. I knew things weren’t great, but really didn’t see this coming.
Then, in the following days, since we live together and have no other way to escape, I became more and more frustrated and angry with the way she’d ended things. I was confused, I was blinded by neediness and insecurity and ultimately we both said some things we regret. However, after 4 days of being broken up and moving my things into a guest bedroom, I asked her to talk. We were both calm, collected and respectful. It was probably the best discussion we’d ever had in our time together, chatting about what both of us can change, what we’re going to do to work on ourselves and becoming happy again- apart. She was saying things suggesting this was the break she was needing all along, and talking as if we’d be getting back together after a month of no contact. She encouraged me to go on dates, as I did her, but she insisted I had nothing to worry about in that regard and that she just needs to date herself.
It’s now been 8 days of NC, and it’s been very hard for me with her in the next room all the time. She’s a very headstrong person who will never cave in on this, so I have no doubt she won’t contact me outside of necessary notes about household business. She’s erased me from all social media, and I’m doing all I can to keep my leg up on this breakup. However, I just saw her profile on Tinder and know she’s been messaging other guys. It’s been 8 days since our talk which left me feeling great, and now I feel like I’m back at rock bottom. Even though I should take this as a good sign- she’s looking to replace me with a new guy or bunch of guys, which means she’s thinking about me/missing me- it hurt badly. I was stunned to see that she’s on Tinder. Need some help to stay strong and not cave on NC, as I know nothing good will come from that. Any advice?
Thanks.
E
