Hey Malinda,
I saw these but I am at work and it is hard for me to respond sorry about that. So what is it that you want to do now? Do you want to respond to him and say you are okay because I dont think that is too bad if you do I mean it does not need to be novel, you can be honest and say I am fine but I need space to heal and move on it does not make you look weak but strong and the fact he gets nasty well it just shows he does has feelings too. The thing with you two is that your wants are very different. I mean let me ask you this question would you be willing to continue a relationship without him proposing to you for few more years ? if answer is no then for now you need to leave it for now and continue this nc and trust me once you are ready there will be someone else who is as good and most likely someone who will have similar needs. One of the hardest things in life is figuring out what we really need and want in a relationship anf from our partner and where we are willing to compromise. Sadly that knowledge often is only achieved through heartbreak but you already have learned many important lessons from this experience and you know in future relationships with him or someone else Neither of you were willing to compromise on the marriage and that broke you up not lack of love. But when it is something so fundamental and you could not see way out of that impasse it means your needs and wishes were not meeting and it is hard to make relationship work in those conditions almost impossible. So before you say there was no love, I doubt that I believe there was that is why it is hard for you both to cut the contact but I agree him visiting you when you are still feeling so vulnerable is not good idea. I dont see why you two could not meet when you go for visit back home but that should not be until you know inside that you are happy with both either him coming back or not coming back. Or at least are in better frame so that you can keep it positive. That is the stage I have reached I am happy alone and would I love my ex back yes but all I want is for him to be happy like I am so keep on living my life and ding fun things. And right now I am in best frame of mind in my entire life and you will get there two trust me. You have already shown incredible strength and you should be proud of yourself. Those weak moments are fine we all have them and that is being human. Stay strong. I will write more later when I can but now I have to go back to work.
You’re just awesome really, I do appreciate your prompt response eventhough you’re at work…it does mean a lot to me! And I have thought about just answering as I’m doing okay to be honest cuz he insisted much but then I thought he will try to get more like before he did and nothing gonna happen except I might feel worse so thats why I didnt even let him know I’m allright.
I dont know if I would be willing to continue a relationship without him proposing to me for few more years cuz its just upto his behaviors, before I felt like as if he didnt want people around him know us together and to him only his parents know about us is enough…the thing is he didnt embrace me completely you know what I mean then the marriage issue would not been that matter, briefly he didnt give me that feeling that I’m important for him and he does really care about me…now hes saying in his messages that I choked him with me keep bringing up the marriage thing, blaming me but still he cant forget about me and let me go and he hates himself about still wanting to talk to me eventhough I made him feel bad and turned his life upside down, and still writing to me but I’m not bothering to answer…but he is not even aware of it that he made me feel useless and didnt even care about how I felt when he didnt show his love bravely, fearlessly you know what I mean…that he only thought of himself and didnt do anything when I said I’m going so far…now hes writing as if nothing happened and even blaming me because I dont answer…it cant be love…you cant love someone just with words only, you gotta do the things you are saying, I didnt show my love with words only I had moved to his city and got a job just to be with him I ruined my life just to be together with him but he was dissatisfied all the time…now hes writing to me all those empty words selfishly…sigh @Finntoga
How long did it take for you to get that stage ?
You see how far ou have come. You alread realize that he was not making you feel the way you should in relationship and that is the first huge step to take and that is hardest for people to realize that often the reason for breakup is that there were aspects that were not working and sometimes no amount of love is not enough if your needs and wishes are imcompatible. You are right that no one should make you feel invicible nor bad about you and therefore in this point it would not have worked. You have great insight into your situation already and despite how hard is is when ou love someone they need to respect you as well and you are spot on that if you compromise on the marriage then his compromise should have been acknowledging you officially to people you know as your girldfriend. It is possible you pressured him with the marriage thing but all relationship take two people to mess up not one so there are things he did which contributed as much so it is not fair to blame one or the other when it is both. And I find laming people very counter productive anyway, what we all should do is learn from these situations and improve ourselves. I think you have been wa too hard on yourself and you just need to give yourself time, no one expects you get over him in a second not when it was as significant relationship as this has been for you. It takes time and patience and just take it one day at the time. When you feel really sad, have cry then stop and try to come up with something new to think or do. I mean how is life going in that new place now? Have you made any new friends?
Yea you feel my situation quite well…I myself just holding upto the hope cuz hes wrote me you know but when you get all those messages put together it doesnt say much at all in fact, I just have to accept the truth that nothing is gonna happen and just continue with this new start yea…it just hurts so deep I cant explain with words
This is my fourth week at work and meeting new people at work but I kinda keep my distance from them for now, a friend of mine found me a place to stay…so sharing the house with this lady and her little daughter…things are okay, still there is alot to do its not gonna be easy and yes I need to be patient
I just cant believe how come he says that he wants to visit me here, just a nice and different option for him to spend his holiday with the cover up saying he wants to see me, its like an insult to me…then I went on like talking to myself ‘‘go find a girl and spend your friggin holiday somewhere anywhere else but not here with me’’
Thinking about all these, I better never give in in any way
Its very late here, going to sleep now. @Finntoga thanks a lot again for your precious care! You have a great day
Wow, there is lot of thoughts I had when I read all above so I am trying to get it all here : ). And Malinda what you don’t agree with just ignore because I make mistakes too : ).
First things first it has taken me 5 months to get this headspace. We have been broken up 7 months now.And no contact and that was my choice because I wanted to make sure I deal with everything with my anger, my hurt and most of all what I did wrong. And I am so grateful to him because he has hurt me the deepest than anyone in my life but he also gave me the best gifts he thought me how to fully open up, he made me see that my fears about him not loving me or leaving me were all because I did not love myself enough and now I do and unconditional love and acceptance for yourself has finally enabled me to have that same love for him and other people in my life and that gift I can never repay to him. I love him fully but it is enough if he is happy my life is so full and wonderful thanks to my family and friends and all the things I can experience that I am fine without him. Would I give him a chance if he asked heck yes in a heartbeat.
Now back to you. Toy said this:“This is my fourth week at work and meeting new people at work but I kinda keep my distance from them for now, a friend of mine found me a place to stay.” can I ask why are you keeping your distance, are you afraid to trust or is it that you are afraid what they might ask or what? Because to be honest spending time with new people who dont know you could be really good for you, just simple fun.And they might introduce you to more people?More opportunities. Of course it is your choice but I was just wondering why is that?
About how he made you feel? How did you discuss that with him? Was it always tied with the marriage talk. I can see how he resented the marriage been brought up but I am just thinking that what about you telling him how he made you feel. If you did tell that then was it that he did not listen or refused to hear because maybe the issue was the way you two communicated with each other rather than anything else. I dont know you tell me.
About this visit now personally I think it is bad idea because you dont seem to be in good space for it yet but is it something you actually want? Would it help you if he would visit you and you guys could talk and then let him see if he is willing to do anything real? I dont know I mean it comes to a decision do you wanna risk it one more time to see if you guys can work it out or have you well an truly accepted that it is not going to work. I mean that is something that you need to decide, you cannot listen to me or anyone else on it. You need to listen to your gut feeling and decide what you are ready for and what you think is the right thing to do. I know this slightly contradicts what I have been saying but I was looking at purely from my opinion and experience and now after having couple of hours to think of it more maybe your gut feeling is the one that should decide so what is it that you feel is the right thing to do? I was just wondering cos you kept bringing it up that what is your real feeling inside.
I am glad you felt better, I was going to leave these boards but I have ticked this thread so if you post I will see it and I am happy to be here for you as long as you need me or want me to.
What I feel that the right thing to do is forgetting him for real, cuz I know why hes sending me those messages just cuz he is so very curious about how and what I’m doing, did I settle here for good or find a job, meeting new people etc, its just his curiosity. And him wanting to visit me is just about that he wants a change, a get away its not about seeing me. I say these things and then the funny thing is that I still have deep feelings for him, this cant be love right? At the same time I hate him for how he behaved to me, how he didnt care at all, how he still acting selfishly and at the same time telling me he still has feeling for me…you know sometimes I’m so messed up in my mind when I come to think of all these, they all get mixed…
The question is how to forget him, how not to check his fb and other things(just this passed sunday a girl has tagged him riding bcycles together with one another girl after sending me those blaming messages), its really hard. How you managed ? I really do want to get over him for good eventhough I love him and want to share the rest of my life with 
maybe I’m just obssessed with him, he turned me out to someone else yucky, I feel incomplete and as if somethings missing when I imagine and think hes never gonna be in my life anymore. How to deal with all these and get over with these thoughts…
I have told him a little about how he made me feel and he has said hes sorry and he didnt mean to do that do this but he did the same things over anyway, hes not mature enough sometimes but sometimes way so mature.
I dont want him to visit me all the way just like that you know, visiting me for what ? As a friend just like that.
And you giving your precious time to me is… just dont know what to say…not much people really do care about one another this sincerely @Finntoga
If its not happening, its just not going to happen and face with the fact other then pushing it right, we are not on the same page so how to accept it the bitter truth for real? I’m being overwhelming I guess :S
I just better do one day at a time right, with no ever checking anything about him, his fb etc…
I will try veeery hard this time to get over with him and move on with my life without him…
May I have your email address if you don’t mind
Hi Malinda, Kevin said we are not allowed to post our emails here, you need to ask him for my email. I donthave problem him giving it to you but you need to ask it from him : ).
Well the thing for me is that my ex has no social media accounts i.e no fb etc so I had nothing to look and to be honest I did not have any interest every time I wondered I just tried to focused on something else and said to my self no this will not help you stop. So it is just about staying strong.
Ok so then it is clear I agree you should not meet with him so it is good decision. Now you just ned to work on the hardest part trying not to check his fb etc. I think you shoukd start slow like try setting small steps i.e try to focus your thoughts from him when they come and say okay toda I will try no to think of him so much or tomorrow I will not look at his fb at all. Then next day once or something on those linesand if you feel going towards his fb page or something walk away from pc for little while there are ways to do this little by little and I am happy to support you as much as I can because I do know from experience it is hard but listen you can and will do this and get back the control of your thoughts : ).
@Kevin hi, can I have @Finntoga s email address?
@Malinda, no sure how often Kevin reads these if at all so here it is even though it is against rules, he can block me if he wants. You can email me at [email protected]