Hi all,
First time posting on this page, so I’ll try my best to keep this as detailed as possible. It’s a long story. I’m a senior in college (male), and my ex (we’ll call her “P”) broke up with me 15 days ago. We shared a nearly 2.5-year relationship which she consistently described as the best relationship she’d ever had; she had two previous long term relationships, while this was my first long term relationship. We were both extremely attracted to each other, and from the time we met up until the 1.5-year mark, had great sexual chemistry, and were truly best friends. We got along well with each others’ families, shared everything with each other, and managed long distance for 2 years with no problems. We went to schools about an hour and half drive away from each other, so we were able to get together most weekends.
One and a half years into the relationship, the changing political situation had P concerned about access to birth control, as she was on the pill at the time. Whether or not this was rational was beside the point, and I was willing to support whatever decision she wanted to make regarding her own body. So after some research, P decided to get a consultation for the Mirena intrauterine device (hormonal, not copper). We’d talked about some of the potential side effects together beforehand (drastically lowered sex drive, general symptoms of early menopause, etc.) and I was still fine with the decision. P spoke with a friend who had a Mirena IUD for about a year and inquired about its effects on her sex drive. Worryingly, her friend told her that after getting the IUD put in, she needed to “plan a week in advance” in order to be in the mood for sex. This should have been a red flag, but I was in no position to dictate what P chose to do with her own body, as I said before. Besides, different women experience different side-effects. Maybe P would be fine after a few weeks of recovery.
Weeks after the insertion, P was able to have sex again. But things were different from the start. Since we were long distance at that time, we would sometimes go weekends without having sex at all, meaning two weeks of celibacy at minimum. This was extremely unusual for us, even long distance. It started to take a toll on both of us, and she was never in the mood. I felt particularly defeated as well, and it felt to me like she wasn’t attracted to me at all anymore (even though the problem was her libido, not her closeness to me). Our shared sexuality was dealt a heavy blow. I knew it was a reversible process however, and still loved her dearly. From my point of view, all of this was a temporary situation that could be worked around and resolved. It’s not like we weren’t having sex either - P just required a lot more “motivation” to get in the mood than she ever needed previously.
This past summer, P graduated from college and began applying for jobs. I still have an extra year in college because of a change of major halfway through my schooling, even though we are the same age. We took vacations over the summer and had some really great times. Things were optimistic, and I was improving myself too. I began the summer having gained a decent amount of weight during the school year, and I was a couple pounds overweight for the first time. I have a particular affinity for alcohol, so I resolved to cut back on drinking (which I accomplished), and I lost 20 pounds as a result of hard work and dieting. She clearly appreciated the changes and I always got compliments about how good I was looking. At the same time, P got hired at a job in the same city I go to school in, so we would be a 15-minute drive away. I had a lot of concern about us being temporarily in two very different stages of life, which I voiced early on to her. I received nothing but reassurance from P. We’d made it through long distance and a ton of stressful life situations together, so this wouldn’t be a problem.
Fast forward to a month ago, and her stress level at her new job is through the roof. We weren’t texting as often during the week, which was fine with me. I mean, her job is hard. I messed up and got too drunk one night going out with her, her roommate, and my best friend. We had a fight (nothing terrible, just verbal) and I made up with her the next day, apologizing buying her roses. The next couple weeks, we would occasionally see each other during the week and always on the weekends (going on little dates to the art museum and nice things like that). Then we were texting one weekday night and I was being flirty with her. All of a sudden, she announces that she’s anxious. She doesn’t know how she feels about us. “I’m always happy when I’m with you, but when we’re apart, I don’t think about you that much.” My gut reaction to that was, well obviously you’re not going to think about me all the time when you’ve got a stressful new career and living situation. Things were still good when we were together. I was going to support her no matter what. The next day, she had me over at her house and broke up with me. The typical “it’s not you, it’s me” type situation. I didn’t fight it, and I wanted to try and sort things out. She seemed pretty set on her decision.
When I got back home that night, I was absolutely floored. In two days, I went from having something I thought was solid to facing the abyss and dread. I messed up and texted P the next morning asking her to give things another chance. No dice. It was so sudden and didn’t make any sense. I went on a hike with a couple of my close friends two days later and had a great opportunity to meditate on all the background things that led to the split. I found this website the day after the hike and committed myself to at least two weeks NC. After four days of solid NC, she liked one of my pictures I posted and texted me asking how I was doing. I responded saying I wanted to take some time to think, and that I had been really productive during the week (which was true) and did not want to get sidetracked. I told her I didn’t mean it to sound rude, and she understood and wished me a good week. Two days later, I was talking to mutual friends in a group chat we are both still in, and she messaged me privately again - a yes or no question about something related to the conversation. I simply responded “no” and she hasn’t messaged again.
To recap, it has been eight days since that last message, 15 days since the breakup, and I am trying to extend NC to at least a month now. My current situation is extremely positive, and I’ve gotten lots of support from friends and family. I’ve continued improving myself and working out, gotten the best grades in school ever, and am about to get my flight instructor certificate next month. I have been posting occasionally on social media (nothing passive aggressive or directed toward P in any way) about my life and generally broadcasting that I’m in a good place in life. By contrast, P is alone, overworked, and adrift in a busy new life. She rarely sees friends, only lives with one roommate who she doesn’t know very well, and doesn’t have time to socialize like she used to. I suspect she is suffering far worse than me, which I hate to see. I still care about her deeply, but what we need most right now is space. I suspect P’s probable loss of attraction to me is highly correlated to:
a.) The massive hormonal change brought about by her new contraception, which killed her sex drive and gave her many symptoms of menopause at age 22. “Feelings” are regulated by many things, but hormones are a huge factor.
b.) The drastic shift in her living situation and life stage, being busy and overwhelmed by her new career.
c.) The difference in our living situations (however temporary) taking a toll on how she sees a potential future with me.
d.) Her worries about not thinking about me all the time when we’re apart (which I find incredibly illogical, as most old couples rarely spend every waking moment thinking about each other, especially when they are busy).
e.) Fear of the future, as this was the longest and most successful long-term relationship P has ever had. She was in unknown territory.
f.) Thinking I was more invested in the relationship than her (I suspect as a consequence of my higher sex drive compared to her after she went on the IUD, as well as my greater amount of free time during the week to text her).
The question now is, what is the best solution to all this? I still love P, enough to give her the space she wants for now. The birth control she is on that caused the initial emotional divide is reversible, and I was reading some scientific literature saying that in some cases, a third of women on the hormonal IUD chose to have it removed prematurely because of detrimental side effects. That gives me some hope for the situation. Unfortunately, loss of attraction is very hard to recover. I’m doing my best to work on myself for now and maintain NC for as long as I need to. I would love to get back together with P someday, and I’m willing with honestly and earnestly work toward a better outcome. I’m very interested to hear opinions on this situation. I mean, do I sound crazy for thinking this is a fixable situation? Is there anything I’m missing here? Any specific details I left out that you’d like to know? Thank you all very much for reading this admittedly long essay on my breakup. Look forward to hearing your thoughts.