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Hi sdub,
Everything you feel right now is by the book, nothing is special about the way you feel, and I say it in a good way. Your mental state is exactly the same as almost any other person on earth that is going through a rejection and a silent treatment. One person may feel it stronger than the other but the basic symptoms are the same. You have endless pain, your brain has the false belief that if you only do the right thing now you can solve it and you chase like crazy after that right move. But this is false. Believe it or not there is nothing in the world you can do right now to bring her back to communicate with you, needless to say nothing will get you back together. You need to let it go. One day, a year from now or 5 years from now she may come back, and you may let this “hope” give you some relief, but you must let her go for now and let that false belief that you can solve this problem by anything you do go as well. Just let her go, just go no contact.
The last thing you want is her thinking of you as an unstable man who may become dangerous because then you’ll lose her forever. Show her that you are stable, strong and in sane and just DISAPEAR. Sorry that I repeat saying that and so bluntly but I was exactly were you are and you need to understand it the hard way, your brain just doesnt want to get it, it wants to solve the problem to relief the pain and it drives you crazy.
Let me tell you one last thing, the truth is that you dont really love her now as much as you think, you think you are, this is a false impact of being dumped and going through a silent treatment, you feel that you miss her like crazy, love her like crazy etc’, but the truth is that even if you could have get back together now you would find yourself in 2-3 weeks exactly were you were just before you broke up. Your feelings now are mixed up and your ego, that got hurt so badly, is causing all of this. I broke with my ex multiple time, went through this vicious cycle, but once we got back together I got back to square one quite immediately and felt that again that I deserve more than that. So just accept the fact that the chemicals in your brain are now controling your emotions and misleading you, causing you a real torture and just let your brain heal itself by going no contact. Start running!!! This will be your best relief right now. I started running after my breakup and it really saved my life. Do it!
Hi sdub,
Believe it or not, but you have only one option now, go no contact, a long one, a very long one. As I said, at least 6-12 months. Believe me I felt just like you, I couldnt let her go, but now I feel awesome, you’ll never forget her but eventually you will heal yourself and move on. Regardless of how you love her right now, you’ll move on. I know it’s hard to believe, but this is a fact.
To your question, I know that my ex slept with someone, back then it drove me crazy, but now I couldnt care less. I think of her a lot but never about this issue. Our brain just get used to any horrible news over time and stop reacting with panic, like it does in the first place. After knowing your ex is sleeping with someone for the first time you feel as bad as bad can be, but not for long, at some point you’ll just couldnt care less.
Lastly, I’ll say it just one more time because it’s the most important thing for you at this point, go no contact, move on, stop anything related to her. I care so much for you without knowing you just because I was exactly where you are right now and I know from the bottom of my heart that you MUST let her go, at least for a while, 6-12 months, this will save your life, nothing less then that!
Hi sdub,
Sorry to see your enormous pain and sorry that I’ll be honest with you in my message.
I think you made a big mistake in bringing that $200 up, when you love someone (as you love your Ex), you want to bring that person the moon, so I can understand why she was disappointed and insulted(!), and her reaction shows exactly that. The good news is that her extreme reaction also shows that she still cares about you and she has a big internal conflict.
On one hand she feels you are not the right person for her and she was disappointed to learn it again from this incident, feeling that you care more for these $200 than your care about her love (this is how she perceive this incident) but on the other hand she has feelings for you. Blocking you again clearly shows that she has real feelings and had some hopes that now she needs a brutal act again to get detached from you.
I think that going to see her in person is a really bad idea now. I personally would send her a written letter by physical mail. Stating how sorry you are that there was such a miss understanding. Say that you dont need your money back, you turn it into a gift, say how much you love her, but clearly state that you decided this time to really let her go because of all the bad blood that was created between the two of you.
Then block her too (she will realize it once she trys to unblock you, which will happen sooner or later, I believe). Block her everywhere and really disappear. Then strictly follow SaraiD’s suggestions. I fully agree with her.
Date other girls and try other relationships. If after at least 6-12 months you still feel she is your future wife then and only then, you can start trying to reconnect again. That’s what I would do at this point.
You are absulutly right, we want what we can’t have… Unfortunately 🙁
Will keep you posted if there is any progress… And stay strong, I know very well what you feel, but it’s getting easier every day (slowly unfortunately)…
Good luck to you too!
Hi FishingTheSky,
I initially broke up with my ex after 3.5 years of relationship (we lived together). I actually broke up with her too many times before (for a very short period each, a couple of days or so), but everytime we couldnt stand it and got back together again.
This last time I broke up with her again on Aug 15th 2015, I was 100% confident that I no longer want this relationship. We loved each other like crazy but I had a huge challenge living with her constant depression.
Following my breakup she did everything possible to get me back again but I was strong this time and didnt want to start the same breakup-reconciliation cycle again. On Sep 27th last year I suddenly noticed she blocked me on Whatsapp and Facebook, it hit me like a train, I tried to send sms, emails, call her… Nothing. No response. This had a huge impact on me, and as I said it really flipped my will. I now feel that I miss her like crazy and want her back, but have no way to communicate with her… Tried a couple of times throughout the year to send email but no response, so I dont even know if she received it or I am actually blocked on emails too…
As I said, I had a few other relationships since then, including a relatively serious one of 5 months, but I constantly compare them to her, actually to the huge “baloon” she became in mind, because of this brutal blocking act… I sincerely believe that my ex is the most beautiful girl on earth (she is a very successful world-class model), regardless if it’s true or not, it’s very difficult for me now to “settle for less”. I know it sounds childish maybe, but this is how our feelings play and control our logic…
Lastly, I may remind you that as you know my case is not a statistic, it is just a single case so try not to conclude too much based on it… it might just be a good one example.
Cheers 🙂
FishingTheSky, it’s exactly a year now!
I had multiple relationships since then, including a great rebound that lapsed 5 months, but I couldnt really move on to any other relationship, partially because of that brutal disconnection…
Hi sdub,
I see a great positive sign in what you just told us about your date with that girl.
Even though you are both not really ready for a new relationship at the moment, it is a great opportunity for both of you to heal yourselves together and you can never know, I know of many stories that this kind of a situation ended up in a great long-term relationship, even stronger than the ones you lost. This may happen because now you are both more mature after what you were going through and better ready to build the right relationship. Having said that, take it easy, don’t push too hard and don’t worry too much about getting into the friend-zone, if there is a real fit there, it may happen and if not, at least you helped each other free your hearts and move on from your lost relationships.
Regarding your Ex, I believe as I said that a strict disappearance and a long NC is a must. First of all for yourself, as you already know, but as I also said, you’ll be surprised what a “magical” impact it may have on your Ex. No one knows how to explain it, but the act of “blocking” someone across the board on all communication/social media tools, leaving that person incapable of contacting you by any mean and putting him/her in the dark, has a very powerful impact on that person, in a way that it may completely transform his/her feelings and may even turn him/her back into the panic and obsessive mode that is usually related with being dumped… That’s definitely not always the case, and it depends on other factors, I guess, but I can tell you from my own experience that even though, initially I broke up with my Ex (after 3.5 years of relationship) and she initially chased me like crazy for about 6 weeks, once she blocked me all over (I’m still blocked) It turned my feelings 180 degrees, in a way that I want her more than ever now because I feel dumped and helpless in my inability to contact her…
Btw, dont say anything before you block her, no execuse, nothing, just do it, block her all over, let her think (endlessly) what happened to you… Initially she might see this is a sign of weakness on your side, but as the time goes by it will flip in her head and she’ll see it as if you really moved on… only then it will start having an impact, a huge impact, I believe!
Hi sdub,
First of all, sorry for my English, it is not my mother tongue.
I follow your story from day one and really feel sorry for you all these weeks and months. I know very well what you feel from first hand experience, I know how hard it is for you to pass the hours and days w/o her and most of all how hard it is for you to understand how could it happen that she became a completely different person not saying a complete stranger after all these years and love you shared.
I stayed quite all this time trying not to respond, worried to mislead you god forbid, but I feel now that I must tell you my opinion regardless of hard it will be for you to hear it.
If you ever want to have even a slight chance to win this girl again you have only one option, you should completely disappear for a couple of months, yes a couple of months! even 30 days won’t be enough in your case, I believe 3 months or more will be the minimum. Strict no contact, dont send her any message! dont like her posts! And most importantly, block her all over social media/messaging tools you used!!! Yes, this is the most important element in order to regain her respect and maybe “love” – blocking her all over. I know it sounds brutal but this is why it is so important.
Then just focus on rebuilding your life. Really really let her go, no matter how hard it is for you.
This doesn’t guarantee you’ll win her back but this is the only chance you have at this point to my humble opinion.
Moreover, this is what you need now for yourself and for your sane. You need to rebuild your life! and for that you really need to let her go.
You’ll be surprised what an impact this will have on your ex if you block her all over social media and messaging apps and completely disappear… (Btw, If you can try also to actually disappear from social media, dont post anything, just stay in the drak).
Only then she’ll start missing you and maybe, maybe start chasing you…
Hi Amy, really good talking to you! And feel free to ask any question, I do care about you knowing your sincere commitment and love to your Ex and the cold shoulder you were getting in return back and forth.
I’m happy to hear about this French guy, having a foreigner may make it even easier and more interesting as an experience and as such may be a great opportunity for you to have a short “break” from your suffer. Spending even a short period of time without feeling the hurt and sadness you feel these days will help you tremendously recover your self confidence and happiness. If you still have a way to find this French guy, I highly recommend, go for it! Slowly, step by step, but give it a try (assuming you find him attractive/compelling enough!).
This to my humble opinion will also be the best way to show your Ex what you worth and send him back to you. Even If not immediately, because his ego will kick in, it is highly important for him to know that you have alternatives, so he won’t break-up with you so easily in the future if you get back together every time he has a bad day or two!
Regarding my rebound, it was an awesome experience and in other circumstances I might fall in love with her but my heart is completely closed and broken so after we returned to TLV from a great trip to Asia together, I felt that it’s not fair for her and before it will be too hard for the two of us to break-up we amicably ended it for now. So no we are no longer together. But we may try it again in the future…
Regarding my Ex, which is clearly the love of my life, and I still miss her like crazy and think she is the most beautiful girl in the world, and I pray to spend the rest of my life with her, she still has a lot of anger and disappointment from me breaking up with her again and again (I really had no choice!) and I’m still completely blocked… ? no single word from any of us for a year…
But, just like you, I have good open channel with her sister so I know more or less how she feels… Specifically, me having my rebound drove her crazy!!!
A comment mainly for you Amy (and sorry for my English, it’s not my mother language).
I broke up with my Ex exactly a year ago after 3.5 years of relationship. She was and still is the love of my life (and vise versa I believe), but we had huge issues mainly unrelated to us (we are both divorced with kids).
Anyway, It was a real nightmare for me to hold-on and even breath back then and your thread at that time during your previous breakup and 3 month NC process, was some kind of a great light in the huge darkness that I had to go through.
I was “addicted” to read your posts at that time (it was a TRIO thread with some guy, I don’t remember his name…). You personally sounded so smart and mature that it was a great relief to follow you. I remember that I was so happy (almost like you do ;-)) to see that eventually you got back together and I was so sorry to learn now that you broke up again 🙁
Anyway, reading your posts now, I wanted to tell you two things from my own experience as a male who initiated the breakup (a couple of times actually in two years, including our last breakup a year ago):
1. I broke up with my Ex as said a year ago (for a good reason), this time she blocked me all over and we both kept NC till these days. Even though I had a strong 5 months rebound relationship since then, I still think about my 3.5 years Ex every day and every minutes. I still miss her big time, I still dream of her frequently and I still pray that one day we’ll be back together again. You don’t forget a 3.5 years Ex so easily, so try not to worry that your Ex will forget you in his travel or even way after. There is no way! It doesn’t mean of course that you’ll be back together again because as you know a reconciliation is a tricky emotional and social process, involving ego, anger, love and hate, but I’m sure he misses you and will miss you like crazy for many years! So no rush to solve things even if it feels that time is running out…
2. I strongly believe that you should try dating and meet other people even if it feels weird at the beginning. I was totally heart-broken a year ago, but I insisted dating others until I suddenly felt slightly better and even found a great lady and had a great 5 months rebound relationship, with a lot of travel all over the world and fun. I couldn’t fall in love again so quickly (and I informed her in advance about it) but it was fun and helped me recover and start breathing and enjoying life again.
You seem like an amazing young but mature lady and you deserve only the best. Let your Ex grow and mature and get back to you if and when he deserves you, even if it takes a couple of years. At the meantime, dating others may surprise you, you may find another love, but you most likely will regain your self confidence. Your Ex also needs to see that happening in order to appreciate what he has. I believe he doesn’t really know what he has based on his behavior and he may only see it once he realizes that he may loose you forever.
I hope it’s okay that I was so direct… But after following you and your roller coaster for so long I care about very much and I felt I need to reach out and share my thoughts… Anyway good luck!
