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@shawns Don’t blame yourself and try to learn from any mistakes you feel that you make.
Stay strong, don’t send.any more messages for the time being and restart yout NC. They might message you back as yet, just give it time. If they do message you back then at least.let some time pass before you respond to them again.
My Ex is dating or has been dating someone else.
I know that there is a temptation to push for a reunion due to fear that your Ex may move on, but being over keen to hurry things along is likely to push your Ex further away so all the advice out there seems to suggest. I have certainly tried everything but space and time and failed miserably over the last 5 months since I split from my Ex. I have made several of the common mistakes listed, including turning up unannounced and speaking to friends of my Ex. I can’t believe how stupid I have been at times through desperation to get things back on track. I need to relax and turn back in to the man that my Ex initially done for. Let her do the chasing again.
@Shawns I wouldn’t visit them until your NC period is up and unless you have arranged with them to do so.
Perhaps a short message to her mum saying that you are ok and doing your best to take good care of your health might be beneficial to send, although I would leave that at least a few days before doing so and I wouldn’t talk to her mum about the relationship that you have with her daughter at thid time.
#shawns
I have constructed the following set of rules that my Ex would need to try to adhere to in order to save my friendship/relationship.
(1) Give and take – If you want want me to continue being there for you and offering support to you when you need it then I expect more.support than you have offered to me previously in return.
(2) Understanding that my time.is valuable to me. I don’t want to be investing too much of my time in a one sided codependent friendship/relationship, as that is unhealthy.
(3) There needs to be a.clear set of boundaries defined. What is acceptable behaviour for each of us to tolerate from the other and what kind of behaviour is unacceptable?
(4) The need to understand that our words and actions can alter another persons frame of mind, wellbeing and health status.
(6) Stop venting our anger and frustrations at eachother anf learn to communicate better.
(7) Have to stop living in the past, focus on the here and now, and the future. We need to start working from.a clean slate or forget it.
(8) Not hiding our feelings or fears, no matter what they are. Be prepared to discuss them no matter what you think the other persons reaction will be. They might just surprise you! Anything can be achieved by trying to communicate better, placing yourself in the other persons shoes, trying to understand how they are feeling and why.What do you think of my list?
–I’m not sure if you can delete posts on here Malinda. It’s ok I did read it. Thanks.
Good luck @LAbound
I think that everything points at my relationship heading in the same direction unfortunately. That is why this period of NC is about me. She can’t even let me stay focused on that (not that she knows that is what I am doing but O thought that’s the whole point of NC).
@shawns Any ideas about the kind of rules that you would put in place would be appreciated.
I will share my thoughts later.
@shawns I think that you should set rules too.
@Malinda Don’t make any rash decisions. Try to take some time out and let your emotions settle down a bit first.I am angry with my Ex as she is niw trying to take the time off me that I set aside to work on myself and improve my frame of mind and my health. She has contacted me with het problems yet offers me no respect in return. No “How are you?” just launches straight in to her problems and “I need your help please” after 19 days of us not speaking to eachother after yet another disagreement. What makes it worse is that if she.listened to advice that I gave her months ago then she wouldn’t even have this problem that she has just asked for my help with. She was angry at me for saying to her that she always makes a mess of things and expects me to be there to pick up the pieces.
I am sure that your Ex is thinking about you Malinda. How long have you been apart? It’s very early days yet isn’t it?
I broke up with my Ex 5 months ago now. I wonder me and my Ex have both made too many errors already to repair the damage that has been done.
Oh and @shawns
Ryan Rivers says in his Relationship Rewind book that we all have a chance.
Problem is that none of us know how big that chance is. Just the same as we didn’t when we were friends with our Ex prior to dating.
I think that my Ex must realise that it is going to be difficult for us to remain just friends. Too much chemistry, too much of a connection. It’s possible someday (as I have done it with a previous Ex GF), but not for some time and certainly not while her current confusing behaviour continues.
If it is just friendship that she wants/needs from me then new clear boundaries need to be defined and that takes time.
@shawns Yes I understand and accept that I am lucky in some ways. I just have my doubts over whether she can change. I don’t even really want her to change, I think she kniws deep down where she has been going wrong and I also think that she likes that I will tell her that and reaffirm things for her, rather than let her continue to act in a detrimental way for her own future happiness and that of her daughter. I thought that she respects me for putting that above me just getting my fun (sex/dating) while never really getting to know the real me?
I am so confused that I just question everything though.
@Malinda Yes she is using me and other people who she has been hoping to move on and forget about me with. Don’t worry, I have told her that I think that’s what she is doing and that type of negative behaviour will not bring her what she is looking for from either myself or any other prospective new partner.
I am torn between giving up and entertaining the idea of a new fake friendship with her if I am honest. I was in the fake friendship zone for a while recently without realising it. She was messaging me having flirty banter, telling me that she wouldn’t let me walk out of her life again, that she would bombard me with messages until I answered her. She was also expecting me to support her decision to date somebody she described as having “no real connection with” but likes while she was saying that she had a “great connection” with me and saying that she would be gutted if I just remained a modern day pen pal (texter) offering her advice and support. She had pretty much hinted at a possible meet up between us next year when I was flirting with her and couldn’t give me a straight answer on the following question that I asked her “is that all that I am to you now then, just a friend, or is there still a chance that we can get back to where we were someday?”
Should I be sending a message to my Ex asking what kind of help she wants from me and telling her that I am busy but I will speak to her in a couple of weeks about things, or am I doing the right thing by just leaving it for the moment?
Why is she even approaching me for help when she is apparently in a relationship and has her sister and other people who are closer by and are directly responsible for the child there for support?
Is this just a form of emotional blackmail?
Sounds very similar to the way my Ex has been behaving. Trying to find me in somebody else. Saying that she loves me as a friend but saying far too many things that show that she still feels so much more than that. Always running to me for help when she needs it etc.
It sucks doesn’t it?
@Shawns Thank you for the tips on codependency. I certainly recognise some of these traits in myself and my Ex partners.
I will be looking for further reading and help on this.
Thanks once again.
Give it more time Malinda. Common sense often goes out of the window when emotions are running high where love is concerned.
I didn’t think that my Ex would contact me at all during my planned 35 days of NC. While I am not happy with the way in which she has made contact, perhaps it was the only way in which she felt capable of doing so? Perhaps it is a positive sign that she is starting to realise that her recent behaviour can’t continue if she wants me to be part of her life as she says she does?
I don’t know how she will react to me holding strong and not being there for her this time. I am hoping that she will realise how much she needs me, how much she misses me and that her behaviour since our split has not been in her best interests or mine.
I’m willing to start again as friends but I’m not willing to be kept on a piece of string in a one sided relationship where I am offering support to her and receiving nothing but emotional abuse in return.
It’s her choice to make and she has to realise that I won’t put up with being treated like this for ever.
