Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
@Kiwi @Sodium and @Nell My heart goes out to you all.
I agree with what you are saying though @Kiwi Perhaps if you have tried to talk things through with your Ex and have felt that you were unable to so you went NC and they haven’t tried to reach out to you at all then it at least allows you to try and move on.
I have been getting on very well in 2nd period of of false friendship. My Ex reached out to me previously in two NC periods. Things appear to be going well and she has talked about meeting later this year and even about sharing cuddles with me. I am still trying to expect nothing though and just be her and her daughters friend unless she shows that she wants more sometime down the road.
Best of luck to you guys with whatever you decide to do with yourselves.
@confused_girl Did you ever tell us how old your Ex is?
Do you think that he is at an age or frame of mind where he still wants to explore? From your description he appears to be a bit of a @confused_boy at the moment, pardon the pun.
I think that you certainly need some time to regain a balanced frame of mind yourself. At least 30 days but don’t feel the need to go 90 days or more if it is unnecessary. You might need to explain to your Ex that for your own health you need some time and space right now if he continues to message you frequently. You also need to be strong enough to prove to yourself that you can go a month without speaking to him.
If your Ex can give you a months time and space and you can do the same for him then it might be worth opening up the friendship with him again. Start your month from the last day that he messaged you or the last day you messaged him. If he can’t do 4 or 5 weeks without messaging you then perhaps you should go NC until he can?
It seems that he thinks that he can have you without commitment at the moment and that is the main thing that you need to work on if you have any chance of having a proper relationship with him. The best way to do that will be to just be friends with him after NC has finished until you feel comfortable with him again. Don’t forget that any new friendship or relationship with him will be exactly that. The old relationship you had is no more.
@confused_girl It is for nobody else to judge whether you have been dirrrty or not, including your Ex boyfriend.
You are currently a young, free and perhaps beautiful (I do not know) young lady with a world of options open up to you.
You do not have to explain yourself to anybody as long as you feel that you are doing what is best for yourself.
@confused_girl You mean that you thought that you had your shit together until he done things that threw your mind in to turmoil again? lol
Me too. I don’t know 100% that I’ve got my shit together now. I feel stronger and more prepared than before but I don’t expect it to be no walk in the park and only time will tell how well I handle things this time.
@Martin I will try my best to give you advice, although obviously you would have to tailor it to your situation.
I have told myself that I may never get my Ex back and keep telling myself this. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want her back just that I have accepted that it might never happen and so I need to get on with my life. My Ex knows that I am there for her if she wants me and she is certainly keen not to lose me from her life completely. No matter how difficult things might be I continue to try and get on with my life while being the best friend that I can possibly be to my Ex and her young daughter.
I have no idea if things will come good again or not but I have worked out that this route is my best option and it is what I want. I just hope that I have finally learnt to stay strong enough to give things a proper chance of working out.
@confusedbutok I have found that women get very upset and are only likely to go quiet for a lot longer than you do before next responding if you leave them dangling too long.
An hour or two with a message saying that you are busy and can’t talk right now but you hope that they are ok and you will speak to them soon is probably the safest option. I wish that I had used it more.
You currently need a lot more time to yourself and an explanatory that it is nothing that she has done wrong but you need a little time to focus on your own health and wellbeing should be understood if your Ex partner thinks anything of you.
@Martin Well yes you have certainly ended NC.
You have a chance of getting her back, of course you do. How big that chance might be only you will know best.
NC will only help you to get in a frame of mind where it is possible to win your Ex back. What you need to accept during NC is that your relationship with your Ex is over. You both need to put the past behind you and any conversations with her from now are about making her and yourself feel comfortable as friends prior to the possibility of contemplating starting a new relationship with her.
If you enter the false friendship zone then you need to stay strong. Be her friend and do not expect anything in return. It’s not easy. I am currently a month or so in to my second false friendship stage. I know that is what I am doing this time and I feel more prepared for it, but it isn’t easy and despite some very promising signs I still have difficult moments when I have to tell myself not to read too much in to anything that is said and that tomorrow is just another day.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
@Aphrodite hahaha you little tease! lol
No seriously, I know exactly how you feel, as chances to meet somembody that you find really special don’t come around too often (well at least for most men they don’t). I had a bit of fun over the last month or two of the year in order to try and put my Ex out of my mind. It didn’t work but it might just happen one day when we least expect it 🙂
@LAbound I have tried clicking on your link and the first link doesn’t appear to work. Please could you check and confirm for us?I must say that I find some of the comments re: 90 days plus of NC a little disheartening. I don’t know each persons individual circumstances, but if like me you have stuck to a period of NC and your Ex has reached out to you in some way. If your Ex seems keen to at least stay friends and hasn’t ruled out the possibility of a full reconciliation one day then it is worth working on that while you continue to work on yourself.
I just wanted to highlight that continued sessions of NC could be more damaging than some people think. I am pretty sure that if the opportunity for friendship is there and you have the chance of regular contact by any means that people should leave the door ajar for their Ex. Reward any good behaviour by giving them compliments and sweet messages but also be strong enough to not be too needy or pushy (that’s the difficult bit that I’m still working on).
I think the trick is to tell yourself that you are unlikely to win your Ex back and view if you do as a bonus. Just try to be their friend if possible as it will show that you have accepted the break up but there was more to the connection that you shared with them than a romantic link. Any long term partner should be your best friend too right?
@confused_girl I think that you need that time to work on yourself. Your Ex might appreciate some space too. It does sound like you have a good chance of creating a false friendship which will lead to future dates with your Ex if you learn how to stay strong and on top of your emotions though.
@confused_girl Play it cool with him but try to keep in touch with him starting with low contact. Try not to rush it though. I think that I was guilty of that again a little recently.
I think that you are in a position to send your Ex a Happy New Year message today and sit back for a couple of days or so once the ball is in his court and see if he makes a response. Try not to get too downhearted if he doesn’t respond, you might have to leave it a week and try to contact him again. He probably wants to talk to you but also probably needs some space too at the minute from what you have said. Good luck!
@confused_girl I know what you mean about nit caring about the rebounds your Ex had. I feel the same hence my emphasis on talking about the future with her and not the past.
It’s difficult when you know that they still care deeply about you but they seem unwilling or unable to let you help them isn’t it? I am sure that you will get the opportunity to talk things through with your Ex when he is ready. Just try and stay strong while reminding him you are still there for him as a friend every so often.
@aryyan Is that a conversation you could have with your Ex? Ask him who he is trying to impress with his constant updates about his new relationship? Does he honestly believe anyone is that bothered other than perhaps you? If he refuses to knock that kind of public flaunting of his new relationship on the head is that really the type of guy that you wìsh to be with? It shows a total lack of empathy in my opinion. Sometimes we have to be tough and point out the things that our partners or ex partners do that upset us. It might not get the results you are looking for straight away but if they are good people then they will see what you were saying and respect you more for it when they are ready.I’m still struggling. I sent her a goodnight text last night and she responded with a nice message after 15 mins. I woke up yesterday morning and noticed that she had been online just before 3am. I sent her a good morning message abot 10am but didn’t hear back from her all day. She hasn’t been online since 7pm last night (that’s now nearly 8 hours) I noticed when I went online just before midnight.
I am now slightly worried about her as I think that she could be suffering from another “low episode” as she calls it of depression. She hinted as much about a week ago. Perhaps she has been talking to a friend online and is going away to see a friend only and she is just telling me the basics as she wants to test me.and see if my behaviour will change drastically? I do hope so because from the messages that she currently sends me it comes across like she is closer to me than she has been since the first few weeks after I ended our relationship. I could be wrong though and I have also seen signs that I have seen just before trouble in the past.
Keep your head held high @aryyan You come across like a great girl!
@confused_girl Yes I thought that was you 🙂
So what exactly happened between your Ex and his rebound then? Who finished with who and does any of that matter to you?
The rebound that my Ex GF told me about was never a potential good relationship from what my Ex told me about it. She expressed doubts about it when she first told me about it (just two weeks in) and told me that the connection just wasn’t there for her that she shared with me. I went on a 25 day NC a couple of weeks later and she dumped the guy she had been seeing during that time she told me.
The rebound that I think she had prior to that got quite serious (I know of the guy but she claimed he was just a friend). They had some big arguements about 6 weeks or so in to their relationship I think as this guy had been putting pressure on her to stop all contact with me, which she declined to do (she did tell me about this bit and it fits in with what was happening between me and her at the time). He then turned nasty towards her and her daughter online and has made a mischief of himself numerous times since. I even got the finger of blame pointed towards me by this guy over what she was doing and she nearly believed him and fell for it.
I would never do that kind of thing towards anyone, least of all someone who I have been in love with. Love is special for me and if I love someone then part of me will always love that person.
@confused_girl I think that you are doing really well. I really do think that you hold a strong hand (if this were a game of cards). While there are no guarantees your Ex still likes you a lot, he hasn’t ruled out a possible reconciliation and he still wants you to remain in his life, yes?
Like me I think you have to prepare yourself for the worst but remain focused on the positive. It’s very difficult I know. Each time I think that things are going well I expect another kick in the balls, when I am often expecting the worst I am pleasantly surprised.
I think altering the amount of contact that you have with your Ex is the way forwards for you. Try to reward his good behaviour and have fun conversations with him when he is having good contact with you. Send the odd random gesture but lower your contact with him considerably during the times when he is quiet.
Set some boundaries for yourself and any new friendship or relationship with your Ex and when you are getting on well together try to discuss these.
I don’t know if it was your messages that I was reading before? But certainly don’t let your Ex use you for sex if he is not willing to date you again and win you back first. Take your time.
@Marcus1 @belle I had a similar conversation with my Ex a couple of weeks ago. I apologised to her for allowing our relationship to move too quickly in my opinion. Being the older one out of the two of us I should’ve realised that neither of us were really ready for a new relationship at that point in time and put the brakes on a bit.
I think that perhaps she was trying to put the brakes on in hindsight and because of the problems I was having at the time I was in too much of a rush.
She has said numerous times to me that it is ok and that I didn’t rush her but I think that I did because neither of us had completely left our previous relationships and problems behind us fully. My Ex said that it felt like she didn’t have a choice anyway because her feelings for me were that strong that she had difficulty controlling them. I have told her that I felt like that many times too but I still should’ve known better and looked more at the long term.
I’m 40yrs old and feel like I rushed in like a bleedin’ teenager! lol
@Martin I would most definitely contact my Ex back if she contacted me first over New Year’s. Why wouldn’t you? Anything else could be game over I feel. NC is about working on yourself to make yourself strong enough for a fake friendship, a real friendship or to decide to cut all ties completely.
You can always start a fresh NC period if you feel that you have made an error later on, but also remember that we only are likely to have a certain number of chances at anything. The more we mess up the less likely things are going to turn out in the way that we hope for.
Good luck and all the best in 2015 to you.
