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I certainly wouldn’t have reached out to my Ex if she didn’t reach out for me during NC.
Yes it is still possible that your Ex can miss you even if she is seeing somebody else. Ultimately her missing you means little unless she is willing to work towards a new friendship/relationship and you both put the past behind you.
There’s no guarantees of anything and you will be able to judge your own situation at any given time best.
@atea1234 Thank you. She knows that I’m a good chap and not the sort that you are likely to meet every day.
I have had positive signs like her saying things like “are you just saying that because it’s what I want to hear” when I have been nice to her recently and she has talked about meeting up later this year and sharing a cuddle with me, although I don’t expect that to happen until March at the earliest as she has other stuff that she needs to deal with before then. She will also likely need my support through that. She has really been through it and hopefully she will come out the other side and put a stop to the past hurting her. I can only provide so much help though and need to try and look after myself first and foremost.
I sent a package off for her daughters birthday today. Trying to keep things as normal as possible for her despite what is happening between me and her mum.
Fingers crossed!
@Martin It is a good sign that your Ex has told her friend that she misses you, but there is a huge difference between that and you ever getting a chance of being with her again.
If she feels that you and the guy that she is currently seeing are a similar match then she will not give up that relationship for another shot at being with you.
Best way to regain her interest is to make it look like you have moved on a little, but once your NC has ended always be there for her without expecting anything if she wants to talk to you.
Of course you can hope that it all goes tits up with her and her current fella privately, or that she decides that it isn’t the relationship for her and finishes it off her own back. Just make sure that nobody knows that you think like that.
Hi @atea1234 and thank you for your response.
Of course I have concerns or have had concerns over being friend zoned too, although I am now of the belief that my Ex also realises that friendship is not an easy option for either of us.
False friendship is perhaps a misleading term. I have tried to prepare myself as best I can in dealing with the possibility that I might never get my Ex back. She still wants me in her life and I still wish to be part of her life and that of her daughters. I really do care about both of them and feel that I should be strong. Too many people have turned their backs on the pair of them already and I promised myself that I wouldn’t do that.
I was the dumper in this relationship. I couldn’t cope with her problems at the time as I had so many of my own that I was trying to deal with. I feel emotionally stronger now, although I still have my down days, yesterday was just one of them. I don’t really know what brought it on even.
I need to carry on with the friendship thing and give it my best shot while I continue to work on myself. Who knows what will happen?
She knows that I’m not a doormat already as me being fiery is part of what caused our split.
Somebody mentioned false friendship on here.
I am currently 42 days in to my current period of false friendship. I am not sure if false friendship is the correct term for it anyhow as I do genuinely want to be part of her and her daughters life. My Ex described me as her best friend during the relationship and after.
One of the reasons my Ex gave as us not being ready to give getting back together a shot was that since I split up with her I haven’t been able to talk to her for longer than 5 or 6 weeks without spitting my dummy out about something and both of us ending up angry and not speaking to eachother properly for a while. I agreed that she was totally right about this and that we needed to not rush things and be genuine friends first.
Yesterday was difficult for me. I felt depressed, my Ex contacted me first as she hadn’t heard off me all day and she sensed that something was wrong and that I didn’t really want to talk. She messaged that she was sending me cuddles and I messaged her “BIG ONES – back at ya” something that she used to say to me.
I don’t really know why I felt down yesterday. Me and my Ex are speaking every day and I should be positive and optimistic. I have also been positively working on my life without her.
After the depression hitting me hard yesterday I now feel slightly embarrassed about it and don’t like myself for it. Weird but maybe it’s my subconscious warning me that I will never be happy for long or something.
I just wanted to say that fake friendship is no picnic, as I think that this is my 3rd attempt. Although I knew exactly what I was doing and I planned it this time I still aren’t finding it much easier.
Perhaps I have learnt to focus on me when I am feeling low instead of lashing out at others?
Hoping to get through at least 3 to 4 months the way things are and take things from there. I don’t expect it to be easy whatever happens.
@confused_girl If/when you do talk to or message him again then try to let him give you hints that he is getting a little emotional by saying things like he misses you or other sweet things first.
If he says something sweet to you then you can start saying sweet things back, but try not to over do it. He will more than likely say those sort of things first and for as long as it takes on and off if he does want to make a real go of getting back together with you.
Don’t forget that he will be nervous and will probably need space too.
You can’t make him. If he is ready then you will know. You were wishing to put some boundaries down and he needs to be ready to respect & adhere to those boundaries.
If you let him back in before he is ready then he will still probably have his eye elsewhere too. He needs to want a lasting/permanent relationship with you if that is what you are looking for. Without him wanting to be committed then you will just be opening yourself up for more hurt.
@confused_girl I certainly believe that he cares about you, that you are important to him and that he still wants you in his life yes.
I think it’s possible that you can win your Ex back but to win him back for keeps would take a lot of hatd work (at least a year I would say from what you have said). Don’t expect everything to be ok after 90 days or even 4 or 5 months.
With the age thing both you and your Ex are very young and while it isn’t always true in all cases generally the younger you are when a relationship starts the more difficult it can be to hold one together. This is the main reason why I would worry about your Ex. He saw that otger girl when he split up with you and then said that she used him. He also wanted to have sex with you while seeing the other girl if I remember rightly? If so then that suggests that he isn’t ready for a serious relationship with anyone at the moment but you will need to be in contact with him to know when he possibly might be.
As for the depression try not to blame yourself for that and learn from your mistakes. I suffer from depression and so does my Ex, trust issues play a part in this.
@Rahul So the 22nd January would be the 23rd day of NC for you right?
It’s a difficult one. NC is basically there to make you feel better about yourself so that you are not so needy or emotional when dealing with your Ex in future.
I do not know whether you should contact your Ex on her birthday or not but you certainly shouldn’t be trying to arrange to meet her on that day.
I would take your lead from whether she contacts you before then. If she does then juat send her a message saying happy birthday and you hope that she is enjoying/has enjoyed her day.
You may be able to send this message on her birthday even if she hasn’t contacted you before then and go straight back in to NC for another week or so.
Don’t appear too much of a walk over to her. Let her know that you care but don’t let her think that you will be there for her anytime ahe wants (backup plan).
Good luck with whatever you decide to do and keep me updated on your progress.
@confused_girl 2 months isn’t long to be split up for. I have now been split up for over 6 months with the Ex GF who I am currently trying to win back.
About 12 years ago I was split up with a girl for 5 months before she would let me see her again and she refused to speak to me for almost 3 months.
I was the dumper in both of the above cases 🙁
Your Ex appears to be making gentle moves to get you back already but you certainly both need a period of NC that lasts at least 30 days plus from what you have said.
At your young age you may have to accept that the best long term chance of getting him back is by being friends with him and not getting emotional until after he has spent some considerable time dating you again. This could mean a fair bit more hurt as he weighs up other options and you will need to be strong. Hopefully the time that you need to work on yourself to feel ready for speaking to him again won’t be too long. You should be able to assess things somewhat by how many times he contacts you throughout your NC period and when the contact from him becomes less frequent.
@atea1234 You are absolutely right that the length of NC should depend on each individual situation and should only happen when person feels ready to reach out and deal with possible rejection. Although obviously you will still be very nervous when you do reach out and for a long while after it. You need to not get over emotional and certainly do not show that you are ever upset witg them. You must accept that you might never get your Ex back and if your Ex still wants you in their life consider if you are able to handle that or not.I think that I may have a good chance now as me and my Ex are again talking every day. She has shown interest about meeting up latwr this year and we will see where we go from there. I need to play it cool and realise that I am a long way off from a full reconciliation and that may never happen. I do know that my Ex cares about me very much and I am now far more convinced of this now than what I was in the relationship. Still no guarantee she will give me another chance though!
I don’t believe he will come crawling back. If you leave it too long then he is more likely to think that you aren’t interested and will move on himself.
Just my opinion but I think that 90 days is far too long in your current situation.
@confused_girl It’s all about actions and I think that you aiming for 90 days NC is far too long in your case unless your aim is to move on from your Ex and not get him back.
I read somewhere that apparently an Ex misses you most and are at their emotional peak around 3 weeks in to NC. Your Ex is trying to speak to you so I would go for 30 to 45 days, work on yourself and then speak to him.
Just try being his friend and being patient with him. If you are getting on well and having long conversations with him that he enjoys regularly then your chances of a full reconciliation increase significantly I would say. Remind him of your fun side and try not to show him that you are feeling depressed or obsessing about your lost relationship.
Play it cool and be prepared to sit back sometimes after a good conversation and see if he starts making any moves on you.
If you really do love somebody then as long as they want to.communicate with you then you should offer them.support. You might not ever get what you want but I still think it is worthwhile being friends with somebody who genuinely cares about you. It’s up to you to control your emotions or run the risk of having your Ex.play no further part in your life.
@Martin If she is in a rebound then you need to wait until she ends that relationship. She may come to you for advice on her rebound and I am sure that whatever you say is likely to be taken the wrong way. You need to allow her to make her decision on whether any new guy is suitable for her or not. Don’t be afraid to give your opinion if it is asked for. Tell her how much you still care and that you just wish to see her happy. You might need to then go NC for a while before telling her that you needed some time to focus on yourself.
@rahul Try and keep yourself busy my friend. It will get easier for you after two weeks. That is until she contacts you of course. If she does contact you then don’t message her back and try to see out your 30 days or how ever much NC you initially planned.
If she seems ready to talk after NC then apologise for taking this time out but be sincere and say that you needed some time to focus on yourself for your own peace of mind and health. Personalise your message so it tells a story about yourself.
If your Ex is really ready to talk then she will apologise too, although the first message or two you receive may be indifferent, emotional or angry. Don’t focus too much on what she says but just that you and her are in contact again.
I wish you all the best!
