[sdub]

For some reason I have been thinking of my ex a lot and asking her to a NBA basketball has crossed my mind. I know it’s a horrible idea. Especially since last time I text her she didn’t respond. I just need some support. No contact is a struggle sometimes.

[sdub]

Hi patricia12,

It’s good to hear from you. I hope you are doing well and life is treating you great :). Thanks, hopefully I get the chance to go out with her sometime (fingers crossed). Actually my new apartment is right across the street from my old one. It’s a lot nicer though and brand new so that’s a plus. There are defiantly some pros and cons to living in the heart of the city. It’s nice being close to everything though but is also rough having all of the memories I do in this area.

[sdub]

Hi :),
It is so good to hear from you. I logged in today and hoped that that you responded. I kind of needed some encouragement today and enjoy talking to you. I will defiantly have to buy that book and read it. I could use a good read to help change my perspective on my situation. How are things going for you? Has everything continued to improve for you?

I have to say, things have improved quite a bit for me since last week and I am not such a train wreck or as depressed as I was. Last week I met with my therapist and she helped me realize I need to change my behavior. I went to Nevada to gamble with some friends Friday and won around $700 and then lost it all plus $400 of my own money by the end of the night. That kind of drew my attention from my ex because I am mad at myself for winning, walking away, and then giving it all back plus some later haha. It was a good time either way.

Saturday, I sent my ex a nice text message saying that I care about her and want to give her the $300 I lent her as a gift because I care about her more than money and am proud of her so she doesn’t need to worry about paying me back. I said a few other nice things in my message and left it at that. I don’t know if she read it because she never responded but it felt good getting that off my shoulders. Not getting a response didn’t sting as much as it had before.

I went to a Halloween party Saturday and got a really attractive girls number and we have been texting a bit. So that was a confidence boost and if I get the opportunity I would love to take her out. It helped refresh my memory of what it’s like to be treated nice by someone.

The only thing that has made me feel down or miss my ex a lot during the last two days is I have been moving to a new apartment in my city. While moving I have found a lot of my ex’s clothing and other items that have brought up past memories of good times with her (I actually kind of laughed after finding something and was tempted to send her a picture of it but knew I couldn’t). I have also found tons of love notes she would leave laying around for me. I can’t lie, that has made me struggle a bit. Plus one of our mutual friends (my good friend) and I spoke last night about her for a bit (the good and the bad). I don’t know if that was positive or negative for me. Looking back over the weekend, I had a good time even though I had my ups and downs. I hope this trend continues and things keep getting better.

[sdub]

SaraiD,

I’ve been thinking about our conversation throughout the day. I have literally been on a roller coaster today. For the majority of the day, I have felt pretty low about the situation. My friend that received that message from my ex is a pretty negative person when it comes to relationships. She tries to say it how it is but sometimes I think she is wrong. None the less I need to get my life back together. I have seriously been fighting the urge to contact my ex by text message today. I doubt she would reply though. I just want to show her I’ve made changes and I think telling her not to pay me back could help. This has been really tempting all day! It’s like I want to follow up to the response she sent my friend. Then again, she might not even respond or read my message. I know I need to give it time to get myself together. Six months to a year just sounds like such a long time to not contact her. It freaks me out. I am trying to be strong and listen to TLV’s and everybody’s advice. I guess her response to my friend just got me really worked up.

[sdub]

SaraiD,

It looks like our messages are all out of order. I didn’t see your response to my ex messaging my friend until now.
My ex was straight to the point about how she felt and the reasons for not wanting to get back together. Her recovery is the most important thing to me overall. Also, it is really hard for me to see that this is for the best at the moment. I know I am not thinking rationally right now and my brain is jumping all over the place. I guess my main thing is that I want her to know, I am not that person. I am going to focus on moving on.

I plan on no contact for my sake. But I also want to let her know, she doesn’t have to pay me back the rest of the money. I don’t care about it. Or I guess I could continue no contact and when she makes the next payment, just tell her that she doesn’t need to continue.

Like I said before, it’s just hard that she wanted to watch a movie and cook dinner a month or two ago and now we aren’t even friends. I am hung up on the littlest things. I need to let go it is just hard. I know keeping this up will kill me though.

[sdub]

Hi SaraiD,
It looks like we both posted at the exact same time. So I will respond to your last post. I really wish I could stop doing this to myself. It’s like there are so many ups and downs I have hung onto anything I can. Even though it has been six months, I probably haven’t moved on at all due to the cycle of not talking to her, talking to her, not talking to her.

I agree, about the money, she said she was struggling and was going to need to borrow some from somebody. I said I would lend her some and she said she couldn’t accept it from me because she already owes me $400. After we got off the phone I sent her $200 and said things will work out how they are supposed to. I never said it was a gift of a loan. At the time I figured it was a gift. When she was rude I kind of wanted it back but really could have cared less. It’s just money. I was just upset by the way she was treating me.

I wish I would have been more like your ex and not asked the money back. The reason she owed me the additional $400 is because she got in trouble and I helped pay some car impound fees to help her out. I didn’t want money going to that so I wanted her to pay that back. Before we broke up, I took her shopping and spent like $1000 dollars on clothes and wanted to take her on a vacation we had planned. I would never expect her to pay any of that back similar to yours and your ex’s situation. Now I look at the rest of the money she owes me and I just want to say don’t worry about it. If you look in my other post I wanted to try and do it in person and have my friend arrange it so I can also give her stuff back to her. I am thinking, if that doesn’t work. I will just text her and say, money isn’t important to me, your happiness is. You don’t need to pay me the $300 back. Which method is better?

I was afraid of coming off across as a stalker too. I have no idea why I drove up there. I was just figured I could give her stuff back to her and be done with all of this. Or at least not have any ties. It was a stupid idea I know. I also think she is stubborn and a similar situation happened between us in the past and it kind of helped things out seeing each other face to face. The difference is, when I went up there last time, I spoke with her before, we decided to go to lunch, and that I could pick up a few of my things. So this time I just thought I would try. It was stupid I know. I just wasn’t thinking clearly. Honestly I probably am a little obsessed. Like the fact I can’t talk to her has made me want to more. Or when her and I were talking and she wouldn’t give me straight answers if we could go out or not. It just all sucked me in and made me anxious.

You are completely right about her going through rehab and that being her only focus as it should be. Getting cut out has been hard on me though. More than anything I want her to succeed and enjoy life. I just wanted to be there too.

I should probably clarify a little bit on the part about deciding where I live. So I live in the downtown area of my city. I have lived here for over 4 years. With any big city, there is a homeless shelter in this area and that comes with a lot of drugs being in certain blocks of the city. When my ex and I were talking, I thought there was a small chance we may get back together. If we ever did, I didn’t want her around all of that. The other thing is, I kind of wanted to move out of this area even though I enjoy it, basically because her and I have to many memories in this area and I wanted a fresh start where I wouldn’t have memories pop in my head when driving down certain streets, going to bars, or even bad memories dealing with her addiction. So essentially just to move on.

I think your logic makes sense with not going around your ex’s house even though you live so close. So is just creepy so I don’t know why I did it. I actually bumped into an ex from like 10 years ago a few months ago. It wasn’t awkward at all (we were both out drinking). It was good seeing her but I don’t want to be involved with her. We have since gone our separate ways.

As for closure, your relationship ending with your ex, I think it helps that you guys were at least able to talk. It sounds like you didn’t drag it out or anything. You just accepted what is and started moving on. Hearing your story make me wish I would have done the same. It’s just the circumstances of my break up were so strange. Things weren’t always great in the past, things got better, she went to rehab, I supported her through it, she goes to a sober living, and then we end up breaking up. I am glad she went to rehab because it saved her life. I also think, our relationship ended because of her counselors encouraging her to break up with me. In the end her life is way more important.

(If you read my comment that I posted at the same time you posted your last one.) I think my ex messaging my friend kind of gave me my ex perspective which kind of gave me a little closure. I just want to respond though is my problem.

So in a way closure for me, is at least getting to say the last few things I want to. I don’t want somebody that doesn’t love me to be with me either. Although I can’t say I didn’t beg for her early on lol. Which only caused more damage ultimately.

Haha you should keep using his Netflix account as long as possible lol.

I know I am romanticizing the relationship. No doubt about that, the only thing is, things were much better between us when we did broke up so I struggle with that. Also, trying to help her out and going to rehab meetings, supporting her, and then getting broke up with after made it so much tougher.

I actually am in therapy. Early on I went to get over issues between my ex and I that I absolutely hated. She had slept with someone I knew way before I met her. It hated that thought. I got over it and thought we end up getting back together. Now my therapy sessions are based on working through all of this.

In response to your next message, I just wanted to start with how awesome you are! I seriously appreciate you so much! I love your clarity and you kindness. You are helping me a ton.

As for you being the dumper, reading your story makes me think one thing, that guy is a creeper. Then unfortunately I realize I sound like that guy just not as intense. Granted my ex and I dated for over 3 1/2 years but none the less. It sounds like that guy was close to becoming a stalker. I see how him constantly calling you and pestering you would be annoying. So I have been in a similar position and strangely enough it was with my ex keep in mind this is when I was young and dumb. When I met her, we hungout a few times and I could tell she liked me. At the time there was another girl I was also interested in. I went out with my ex a few times and we ended up sleeping together. One night we went to the bar with some friends and she got really drunk and was acting in a way I didn’t like. So the next morning I took her home and was like I need to cut ties with her. The next I went out with some friends and she literally called and text me like 30 times. I was literally turned off by this so much the next morning I text her said I was over everything. She was heart broken but I left it at that. Like a month down the road she text me out of nowhere are I felt like I didn’t handle things the best and went out with her and she was pretty cool but I didn’t know if I wanted to date her. We continued hanging out for a while without becoming official and then eventually we did. Thinking back, her blowing my phone up was such a turn off. The thing is she left me alone for a while and I forgave her.

Your next post about the guy you lived together with for two years. Also remind me of my situation but I am on the guy in this situation. The thing is, you would be my ex-girlfriend in the situation. It makes me sad to think that my ex has moved on during no contact and that I haven’t. So essentially I need to go no contact to try and move on. It’s just hard. It sounds like I have screwed my chances of getting back together and haven’t moved on.

Oh one more thing about my therapy sessions. My therapist said it seems like every time I pull away from my ex, she finds a way back to real me back in. Then when I start to pull away or get to far, she figures a way to real me back in. Although, I think after what happened last week and what she said to my friend in my other message. She won’t be pursuing me again.

I just saw your last post before refreshing my browser to post this.

I would say my situation was also similar to yours with your ex keeping you at an arm’s length. I did that at points during my relationship to and sadly it only hurt my ex. Like I have said a few times, I was just young and dumb. Apparently that hasn’t left her mind. The only difference between your situation and mine is that I feel like past arguments won’t be a big deal anymore. I have let the bad things that happened go. I am just not sure if my ex has. Going back to closure, part of my closure feels like I need to tell my ex I am not the old me. I just want to explain things. Perhaps I will never get that. Do you think the way I acted made things impossible? I know I need to move on but something in me wants to keep trying. I just don’t get it.

[sdub]

Just an update, in my last message I said that my friend ended up contacting my ex yesterday and my ex didn’t reply to her. Late last night she ended up replying and I got a screen shot of part of the conversation. I didn’t get the entire conversation but what I do have is below:

EX: “Thank you for the kind words, you are too sweet. Your baby is adorable. XXX is a good guy. I’m just not interested in all of that anymore. One of the main reasons I’ve used drugs was because I was searching for validation from relationships and once I don’t get it I fall, hard. I need time for myself. Please tell him I love him but I need to let go as does he. I pray for his happiness, peace and that he’ll be able to move on in life with someone that can make him happy and that they can grow together. Thank you for trying. You are a good friend to him and that I am grateful for”.

I don’t have the rest of the screen shots because my friend said she deleted them and cleaned out her inbox. It seems strange to me but perhaps she is trying to protect me or something.

My friend did say what’s below though:

And she said exactly what I have been telling you forever is that she said “when I wanted him, he didn’t want me, now I don’t want him and he wants me.” That she’s sorry for your pain but you guys aren’t good together and that she was sick most of the time you were together. She wishes you the best and just wants love and happiness for you and doesn’t want you to be in pain.

Then I asked my friend, she didn’t say anything else besides that, and my friend replied “Nope, we didn’t talk long. She said what I sent you. Then the you not wanting her when she wants you thing. I told her I have been telling you that, that’s most likely the reason she doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore. She said you guys weren’t good together that she was extremely sick most of the time because of it. That she hopes the best for you and is sorry you are in pain but hopes you find happiness and love that you soon will be ok. She said she’s glad we are friends and that you and I talk and it saddens her that you are hurting but to tell you everyone is human it’s ok to hurt. I said he will be ok eventually just take it as a lesson learned. We said good talking to you and said goodnight.

Then I told my friend I think if I wasn’t smothering she would have wanted me because you want what you can’t have and I was always just right there. My friend refreshed me memory and told me how it was. She was like think about it. She wasn’t referring to recently; she was refereeing to over the past few years early. Early on you wouldn’t even call her your girlfriend; she would confess her love to you and wanted to start a life with you. She would tell anybody that would listen that she was in love with you. But you were on the fence about dating her back then because of past issues, or she didn’t have a great job, or we argued, and that I kept stringing her a long back then and I needed to either cut her loose or get serious with her (this was all early on). Gosh I was such a douche bag back then and so young and dumb. That was long ago and things changed a lot since then. My friend is pretty blunt and said it how it is or was and essentially said, I told you if you didn’t figure it out eventually you would want her and she wouldn’t want you.

Those messages were the worst things I could have woke up to this morning. I feel so bad about everything. I don’t even know what to think. I wasn’t the best guy at times, but then again I changed over time and wasn’t the person I once was. I was just young and dumb. It sounds like my ex is completely over me or at least thinks that I am bad for her and contributed to her addiction by the way I treated her. Which in part could be true but that was so long ago and I am different. I think she started talking to me again and hungout with me twice because she was curious if I grew or not. Last week when I referenced the money she figured I hadn’t changed at all and blocked me in every possible way from contacting her because she also needed to move on from me and not see what I am doing in life on social media.

I am completely lost on what to do and am heartbroken this morning. It sounds like moving on is my only option because she will never come back around which makes me sick to my stomach.

I know we have all determined no contact is my best option. Truly I just want to see her in person and tell her that I don’t want her to pay the rest of the money back and that it’s a gift and also give her stuff back to her. I just don’t want the money weighting over her or my head. I have changed so much even since we broke up and I want to show her that. I don’t know if I will ever get the chance. I don’t want to be judged on things from years ago because that’s not who I am.

I am thinking I want my friend to respond to her and just say I told XXX what you told me to tell him. He says he understands you don’t want a relationship and need time for yourself. He wanted me to ask you if he could come bring your stuff back to you, and discuss the $300 you plan on paying him back. He said he would ask you himself but he has no way of contacting to you.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel like this is my entire fault. I know she messed up a lot too and that’s why I acted the way I did at times. No contact is important, now I see that she will never come back around. I am crushed.

[sdub]

Hi TLV,
It is good to know the way I am feeling is normal. I have been thinking there is something wrong with me because a normal person would have moved on by now. The silent treatment has been brutal to me this time around because I really didn’t push it like early on with begging and smothering right after we broke up. This time, I feel like I was making slow progress with her and the messed it up.

Thank you for explaining the symptoms of what my brain is doing and explaining how no contact makes me want to react. That make complete sense, I keep catching myself trying to come up with new ways that I could get on good terms with her again. In reality there isn’t a thing I can do. Yesterday was one of the roughest days I have had in a long time. I went back to feeling like I said I never would again.
I have remained no contact the last two days. Although I have to sadly admit, I did kind of break no contact but not by directly contacting her. My ex is really stubborn, in the past when we were dating, we got into a fight and she blocked me and wouldn’t respond. So I had a best friend that is a girl contact her for me. So today, I figured my ex might respond to the same friend. Essentially my friend just said “Hey cute girl! It’s good to see you are doing well. I talked to XXX and he said he felt really bad about things went between you two last week. It might not hurt to hear him out”. I am sure my ex saw right through that and knew that I told my friend to ask. I just wanted to admit that.

You can be as blunt as you like with me. I won’t take any offense. Everything you are saying is true. I would hate for her to think I am unstable or crazy. Who knows, she probably already does. I am going to disappear like you said. Sadly I think she might not even wonder what happened to me. I am afraid things will change between us for the worse like her dating someone else but at this point disappearing is my only option.

You are probably right about me not loving her as much as I think I do. I mean I know I love her but my ego, and emotions have gone crazy after trying so hard for so long. I have to remind myself, that there will be things I didn’t like about her that will never change. How many times did you and your ex break up and continue the vicious cycle? At times during my relationship I felt the same as you did and thought that I deserved more. I never broke up with my ex, but I probably didn’t treat her the best during those times. Before my ex and I broke up, things had really improved between us and the things I didn’t like about her she started improving with her addiction recovery. At that point I should have started working on my issues or insecurities but didn’t. Perhaps I kind of pushed her away by bringing up old issues why she was trying to press forward? I don’t know.

In the end, I felt like I was a good boyfriend, I supported her through all of her rough times, what I really want is closure. What made it so she could live without me? Why did things go from being good, to breaking up, to her eventually hating me? Did rehab and her recovery really change her that much? I will take your advice and start running or going to the gym. That is good to hear that it worked for you because I need something to save my life too. Yesterday was such a dark place for me.

Hi FishingTheSky,

Thanks for commenting. I am plan on following TLV’s advice. Trying so hard and fighting with my ex has left me broken. It’s hard to fight the urge and convince my brain that this can’t be fixed. The pain today isn’t quite as bad as yesterday but it comes and goes.

You are totally right about wanting what we can’t have. After my ex blocked me on social media and began ignoring me, my mind went crazy. Since my ex and I broke up, I have pursued her at any cost. It seems like I would make a little progress and then take ten steps backwards. It has been hard to take it slow. I keep beating up myself for not doing so. I know my ex wasn’t the best to me. I guess she hasn’t been that great to me lately either. I don’t get how she can be so cruel towards me after all the years together.

Focusing on myself seems like a good way to keep moving forward. I have become so consumed and obsessed with getting my ex back I really haven’t pursued much self improvement. Or if I did start it, I would fall off and start focusing on my ex again. It sounds like I need to get back on track again. It’s just hard when I feel so low. Even going to work the last two days has been tough.

Hi SaraiD,

I took your advice and made a list of pros and cons about my ex. I keep adding to it when I think of positive or negative things. As far as the money is concerned, I haven’t came to a decision on what exactly I want to do. She has been making payments of $100 whenever she chooses. So I have no idea when she is going to deposit it. I know she doesn’t have enough money to pay it all back at once. Ugh it’s horrible to think, that I sent her $200 and months later it blew up in my face. The only time I even considered the additional $200 not being a gift was when she became cold and wouldn’t make plans with me.

I do have a lot of her belongings still. She knows I have them but doesn’t seem extremely interested in getting them back. Last week my ex said she wanted it when I asked. But things have changed. She didn’t respond when I drove up to her neighbor hood and said I wanted to drop it off. I thought she would for sure, at least with somewhere to put it even if it was outside.

Sadly I don’t even know if she has read my texts. I don’t think she does. Months ago when she ignored me , I text her quite a bunch of long texts. After we started talking again, I called her one night and she didn’t answer but she must have looked at her texts. She told me that she just looked at her messages (ones I sent weeks before). My messages were kind of angry ones and then I sent a few nice ones later on. So I assume, she isn’t reading them now. I don’t know if it’s even worth attempting to contact her only to get no response. I’ve thought about texting her and say you mean more to me than money and I am sad we had a falling out over it. Let’s go to lunch next weekend and we can forget about the money. “yes I am buying your love haha”. I know that’s a stupid idea but my mind was wondering earlier.

I didn’t end up messaging her friend or trying to meet up with her. Sadly, if you look at my response to TLV, I had my friend contact her. She didn’t even respond to her. It’s rough because she still talks to my friends and got lunch with one of my good friends that is a girl. I think them going to lunch and talking about me actually made my ex curious and eventually led to us talking again and hanging out recently. I think I picked the better option by having my friend contact her vs. contacting her friend, but it was still a bad idea. I probably only made things worse?

Do you think your friend and your ex have ever talked about you at the pub? I would think you would be brought up in the conversation eventually? You don’t need to worry about sounding harsh. It’s completely true. I need to gain some strength back and move forward. It just seems like I am stuck in a cycle and can’t seem to break loose. I never would have imagined I would still be in this position since the end of April. Even writing that sounds crazy to me.

Waiting for her has been painful and I think it has defiantly has taken a lot of the happiness out of my life. At the same time it’s hard not to try to get her back either. It’s just a horrible cycle to be in. Sadly I think it’s easy for her to just brush me off though. I hope you are right and with time things get easier. It’s sad because I still base decisions on what area of this city I am moving to based on her. Like she doesn’t like the area of the city I am in so I want to move to another one to impress her. Or I just want to move somewhere else because there are too many memories with her in this area. When realistically this area has a great night life, is close to my work, and is the best place for young adults in this state.

What do you think you will say if you bump into your ex? I think occasions like that are so hard to plan for. Usually when things like that happen you are so caught off guard you almost have to wing it. You are awesome! Deleting your ex’s number is defiantly a step in the right direction! You inspire me! Did you delete all of your text message too?

It’s possible that too much has happened for things to ever be repaired. That really could be the case. As of now I feel like I would take her back in a heartbeat. Even with all of the pain she has caused me. Maybe that will change once I get back on my feet and recover. My biggest fear is, sitting and waiting for her, only for her to date somebody else. That would kill me. If that ever does happen (knock on wood) hopefully I am in a strong place.

[sdub]

I don’t know how I am going to do this. I hurt so bad and all I want to do is reach out to her. I miss her so much. I feel like if I would have handled things after we broke up we would be together right now. Being on bad terms just eats at me. Last week I felt better being on the terms we were on. I am struggling right now.

[sdub]

Hi TLV,
I hope you are right about me getting over her. Because today it feels like I am dead inside and I don’t know what’s going to make this horrible feeling go away. Today is really rough for some reason and I am defiantly at one of the lowest points I have been at for a while. Who ever knew letting go would be this tough? I hope time heals all of this and I can move on sooner than later. How long would you say it took you to get over your ex? Or at least be ok with the way things are between you and your ex? I just don’t understand how she could walk away so easily. It really sucks that we had a falling out last week over something so small as money. I don’t even know what to do about that situation and I want to make it right.

I think I understand how you feel about your ex sleeping with someone. Long ago, I dated a girl and after we broke up she slept with someone else. I found out and it was horrible. Today, I could care less about what she does. Oddly enough that girl wants to date me again but I have no interest in her. I feel like this breakup with my current ex was a lot more intense than that one so I don’t even know how I would react if that happened this time. This breakup has been really rough because I still love my ex and the circumstances of the break up. Would you take your ex back even though she has slept with someone else? Do you think that would cause problems between you two?

As you all have said, no contact is my only option and as much as I want to contact her I don’t think there is a point in doing so. Even in six months I don’t see her contacting me. The only way she might, is to say she has deposited money into my account. It kills me that I can’t see her in person and talk. I think my ex knows that I hate the silent treatment and she is intentionally doing it to hurt me. Or maybe she has really moved on?

Thank you for caring about me and understanding for what I am going through. I really appreciate you, saraiD, and Patricia12 more than you could imagine. I’ve been so confused, heartbroken, and anxious lately I have kind of lost myself. (I have question for both of you at the end of this).

Hi saraiD,

The way you explained handling with the situation if your ex-boyfriend asked for his money back is completely reasonable and the way I think most people would deal with it. There is no sense in getting mad about it. I think my ex got mad because she thought it was a gift and then I asked for it back. I haven’t fully decided if it’s worth it to tell her not to pay me back. Mainly I don’t know if I should break no contact with her for something I probably won’t even get a response to.

I am sorry you felt down the other day and cried. I am glad to hear that you are feeling better today though. It really is hard to forget the good times and easy to forget the bad. I admire your strength and that you don’t react on it. I wish I could have done that over all of these months. I don’t know why I have struggled so much with it and over all of this so much. I am beginning to think there is something wrong with me.

I also think dealing with a death is similar to a break up. In some strange way I think a breakup can sting a little more at least if you want your ex back. With a breakup you know that the person is out there somewhere and doesn’t want or care about you. They choose not to contact you or ignore you and that hurts. With death all of this is out of the persons hands. You miss them but there is nothing you can do.

I think rejection could be one of the ways I am feeling but it’s hard to put a finger on it. I guess you could say I feel rejected that I don’t get to be in her life after everything we have been through together and her best friend who also has a substance abuse problem pops back into the picture after years of not talking and now they are all close (they had a falling out around the time I started dating my ex. I remained friends with the girl but we weren’t close). That use to really bother me but not as much now. Her best friend is my mutual friend too but while my ex was in rehab her friend showed up to support her.

At first I was really worried by this because I didn’t want the friend to bring down my ex. So I essentially told my ex, choose your friend or me. My exes choose me but I guess not in the long run. We made all of these rules about them hanging out its kind a funny now looking back because I wouldn’t care now if my ex hungout with her friend. I was just really worried at the time. I guess it just sucks I don’t get to be involved and how everything played out.

The silent treatment really gets to me though. Being ignored is extremely painful and gets to me. Over the past little bit, it was hard for me to ask my ex to hangout and never get a straight answer from her. I don’t know if that all falls under rejection or not. All in all, I really just miss her, having fun with together, her sense of humor, being intimate with her, etc. Just a lot of memories and things I feel like I neglected in the past.

So as far as any type of contact, she has me blocked on absolutely everything (Facebook, Instagram). So my only method of contacting her is by telephone or by text message which I know I won’t get a response. She has completely cut me out of her life and it makes me feel like crap. I wish I could turn back in time and be friends on social media with her and just not say to her. I think it’s unlikely we will ever run into each other. We live pretty far apart.

Thanks for the encouraging words. I have been so wrapped up in this I forgot how to live and enjoy life.

So I already know the answer to this I am sure. Yesterday I asked you and TLV if it was a bad idea to contact our mutual friend (her best friend) and ask her any questions. Like essentially if my ex is over me and also just make small talk. Or does that break no contact and also make me look needy? I kind of feel like I wouldn’t necessarily gain anything from this, but maybe our friend could at least tell my ex to be civil with me? Then again, the mutual friend is defiantly on my ex’s team and would most likely tell her I asked. I am just grasping at straws today. This is probably one of those things I shouldn’t act on but I am struggling today.

[sdub]

Patricia12,

You are right, I keep trying to analyze why she is acting how she is. Sadly, I will never be able to understand. I don’t understand any of this after all of this time. So I ended up writing her an email. Instead of summarizing I will just copy and paste it below so you all can see. It was kind of just saying what was on my mind and how I felt at the time. She never responded to me about it. I followed up with a text just saying I sent you an email. Read it. Since I am not sure if she checks her email or not. As much as I want to just show up and give her belongings back, I am terrified to do so. Really I just want to give my point of view and try and smooth things over. I just don’t know how she would react or her sober living if I just showed up. I just don’t want them to think I am stalking her or anything. Last time we hungout she mentioned they weren’t supposed to tell guys where they live because one of the girls had some guy show up and caused drama or something. I really just want to text and say I am dropping your stuff off at 6:00 come out side around then. I would love to go out with other girls. I am going to keep pursing that. I just don’t know why I am fixed on my ex. I just miss her I guess. Even if she has been shitty to me.

SaraiD,

Gosh this is all really unhealthy. Yesterday I literally felt so much anxiety I thought I was having some kind of panic attack. The fact that I can’t explain myself or even talk to her at all literally drives me crazy. Last night I noticed that around 8:00 she blocked me on Instagram. I feel like she blocked me in part so she doesn’t have to see posts I am in. Realistically I would be fine without getting any of the money back. I have a decent amount of money in savings and getting the $300 or $500 back wouldn’t really make a difference. So I don’t even know why I mentioned it. She has been making an effort to pay the original $600 back that she borrowed like a year ago so I don’t know why I mentioned it at all. I just think at the time, I was kind of joking about it, that why I just said “you owe me $500 but we can talk about it”. When and if we met, I was going to say don’t worry about paying it back. Although, part of me doesn’t like the idea of just giving her money when she has been treating me poorly.

Hearing about your story helps. How do you think you would have reacted if your ex asked for his money back? For some reason my ex thinks in the past that I would always hold money over her head. Which may have been true at times but I wasn’t trying to at all Thursday when I referenced the $200. Which I assume is why she got so pissed off. Last time she deposited money in my account, she told me they gave her my account balance (I am not rich by any means). She was like I know how much money is an account you really don’t even use and then said a pretty accurate number for that time period. Just thinking of this, makes me realize that maybe she really was offended like TLV said. I could see her being mad about me hassling her for money when she is “struggling” and I really don’t need it right away. I wasn’t even trying to hassle her. I just wanted to talk to her.

That is a great question about it working out after all of this. I guess the answer would be, I don’t know. I think the biggest long lasting issue would be trust. I would worry that she could easily just kick me to the curb again. I’ve already been through so much with her over the past years trying to help her with issues. This time it’s different because it’s painful and I am not on her side. After all of this, I wish I would have just given her the space she wanted early on. I probably wouldn’t be where I am now.

When you talk about your past relationship you have so much clarity. Your thought process is right on point. Nobody deserves to be treated poorly. Even I know that. Do you miss your ex at all anymore at times? The feeling of missing mine hasn’t seemed to go away. Perhaps knowing I can’t talk to her has made me miss her even more. You said everybody handles break ups differently which is so true. I guess at this point if I don’t end up giving my ex her stuff back, I will be forced to go no contact like you and TLV suggested. What’s the point of sending a message to somebody if you get no response? I know I deserve better but I am having a hard time forgetting the good times. Thank you for being so encouraging and positive. Maybe my self esteem has taken a shot and needs to improve like yours.

As for as my ex being so special. I don’t know if anyone is worth all of this drama and stress. There were actually things I didn’t like about my ex. Then again, there are things that I miss about her too and did like. This has been one of the most painful mind torturing things I have ever been through. I know relationships are supposed to just flow and be easy. This certainly isn’t though. Letting go hasn’t been easy either though. Not fighting for somebody you love is tough. I guess she just doesn’t love me back is the thing.

I wrote all of you responses throughout the day.

TLV,

I appreciate your honesty. I did make a really big mistake by bringing up the money. At the time I said it, I was frustrated and kind of joking. Whenever she met me in person I was just going to tell her not to pay me back at all. It didn’t go as smoothly as I planned. I agree with you, when you love somebody, you want to give them the world. I messed up. I have apologized to my ex a bunch of times since saying it. Through text messages, email, voicemail. I most likely violated everything on this websites no contact again. I received no response at all. This time though, in my email and texts messages, I pretty much said farewell and I am moving on but I still care about you. I wasn’t needy like early on. It just kills me she could go silent and ignore me.

I also think you are right about my ex having an internal conflict. I think I just made it a lot easier for her to walk away by mentioning the money. She looked at it as me not changing. I have seriously been kicking myself in the ass for mentioning it to her. My ex mentioned to a mutual friend long ago that she was hesitant to unblock me on Facebook because she would hate seeing posts of an ex. So in part, I think she blocked me for her sake too. It just made it easier for her to push me away. Even as of last Thursday she was sending me screen shots of posts I was tagged in. That was part of the reason I was hesitant to block her last week and go no contact. I wanted her to see I was doing well without her.

So above earlier today I mentioned to Patricia12 that I was scared to go up to her house. I didn’t necessarily go to her house but this evening I went golfing with some friends. After I decided that I would call her and leave a voice message saying I was going to shower and then head up that way. Which is exactly what I did. I text her when I left, I text her when I was in the area and essentially just said is there a place I can ditch your stuff at? I am trying to be nice and do you a favor and apologized about everything again. I said I am assuming you aren’t home because I didn’t see your car. I sent a few texts while driving around. Eventually I just said I wanted to give her all of her stuff before I move to a new apartment just for a new beginning and to cut ties. I essentially sent a farewell text saying I have to accept that she hates me and have to keep moving forward, moving on, and that she will always be my best friend and that I will always love her. It was a pretty long text but it will defiantly be the last one I send her. In the message, I referenced the money once more and said it was wrong for me to bring it up but I wanted to tell her something about it in person she would like and I wanted to see the smile on her face when I told her. That’s why I said “we can talk about the money in person”. Looking back over my message, I never directly said she doesn’t have to pay back the $300 she is still going to pay me. Do you all think I should follow up with a text clarifying saying don’t worry about the money at all? I want to but I would like a response and I know she won’t reply if she is even reading my messages. It would have been perfect to say the rest was a gift last Thursday after she messaged me about transferring me $100.

When I got home from driving up to her house I saw a post on social media from a mutual friend she went out to dinner with even though I was blocked. She looked so beautiful and made me miss her like crazy. It kind of hurt seeing that and not getting a response to my messages. I think at this point I really have to follow both yours and SaraiD’s advice. What is the point of texting her if I don’t get a response. So at this point, no contacting her is all I am left with. Last time this happened months ago I was in the exact same situation and there was no point in contacting her.

TLV, let me ask you this as a guy. Do you worry about your ex doing things with another man? Even the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I guess that’s part of the reason I am so anxious and it has been hard to give things time. I am afraid my ex will meet somebody else and do sexual things. My ex recently said she isn’t going to get involved with anybody so I have to believe that. Who says that will always be the case though?

I just want to take all of your advice and get to the point where this doesn’t hurt like anymore and move on. It’s tough though because I miss and truly do love her. Here is a question for all of you. It may be a horrible idea. I thought of it while driving home. I have actually considered this for awhile but never have done it.

The picture I saw my ex in with our mutual friend on social media (her best friend) is the person that introduced me to my ex. I know she defiantly has my ex’s back over mine but is still my friend. For some reason it kind of gave me a peaceful feeling when I thought about asking the mutual friend some questions about my ex and this entire situation. I would assume she would tell my ex but I would ask her not to. If she did, I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t ask anything very hardcore. This would kind of be a last ditch effort. At this point, I mean what could it hurt? I don’t know if I would meet up with her in person or just do it all through messages. I had it all planned out what I was going to say but ultimately I would have to wing it. Or is contacting the friend just continuing the torture?

Gosh I have never been so stuck on somebody in my life. I guess part of it is that after all this, back when things were going good, I was thinking about asking her to marry me and then doing kids and all that. She would talk about it back before we broke up and now just looking at my situation it’s completely devastating. I regret being an asshole at times during our relationship and doing things that I did. I was just young, dumb, and didn’t know what I wanted at times. Or maybe I am looking back through rose colored glasses. This weekend has been tough and my heart aches. Looking back, I never thought we would be broken up this long. I could have never imagined it. When I went to my first counseling session I thought, I am just going to work on my issues and when we get back together things will be great. I thought it would happen right away. Here I am months later. I don’t know if I will ever get over this. It’s depressing. I just don’t get it. I have my good days and bad ones. In the end, I am stuck.

[sdub]

I have no idea why I brought it up. It was a stupid thing to bring up. I think I was a little aggravated that she ignored my message before that one and then just messaged me about my money. Also she hasn’t been the nicest so I thought why give somebody that is rude to me $200. Plus she had money for a tattoo. All in all I didn’t care about the money, I just wanted to be treated good if that makes sense? I didn’t care about it but I did. It was kind of a joke but she reacted different than I thought. If we met in person I was going to clarify, you don’t have to pay it back. I told her in my message, if we ended up working out I wouldn’t have her pay any of it back but I didn’t want to say that because it’s like I am trying to buy her.

So I responded to her message about sending the money, then got off work and tried to call her to clarify I wasn’t really worried about it. She didn’t answer (at this point she hadn’t read my message). Then she read them and flipped out, and I tried to calm her down. Then she blocked me. So then I believe I left a message again (hours later) saying I didn’t care about the money and it was taken out of context (not sure if she gets my messages). So I followed that up with a text just saying look, I care about you, money is my last concern, I sent that to you because I wanted to help you, etc.

Walking on egg shells is right? I have no idea why she would flip out like that. It is awful! I have seriously been so calm and cool with her and I don’t get it. So yes, I do want to go to her house because I feel like I didn’t even get to explain myself and talking vs messaging is always less confusing. I am scared to take her stuff back to her sober living though (it’s just a house 4 girls live in). They can’t have men there and if I just showed up, they might try and say I am stalking her or something. They could even call the cops I don’t know? So all of that scares me. Recently she told me she moved to a new sober living a block away. I looked up the address up online so I know where it’s at but that’s creepy too. It’s all way to risky right? Plus it has the potential to blow up. I could just see the other girls egging it on saying I am crazy or something. Getting the silent treatment drives me crazy. All this over a stupid $200. I could try texting her and saying I am bringing your stuff over. I know your address. I doubt she would reply. This is stressful. Or I could message have a friend message her for me? My mind if running wild as you can tell. Simply it comes down to, she must not give a fuck about me. I just don’t

I would love to go out with that other girl again. I just feel like her saying “I don’t want to lead you on” translates to I am not interested in you. In the mean time, I will keep trying to meet new girls.

[sdub]

Damn, I would be lying if I said getting blocked and treated so badly didn’t hurt. I feel like I am back to square one. Trying to accept that it’s all over is tough. I just don’t understand how after dating for so long and going through so much together a switch just flips and you hate the other person. I was excited to see her and give her the rest of her possessions back. Her saying “this is why I want nothing to do with you” “don’t try and pull that bull shit on me”. It’s like I wasn’t even way serious. I guess even though I have tried to fool myself and it has worked at times. I really never quit missing her. No matter how big of an asshole she has been. I guess it’s true when people say you never know when the last time, is going to be the last time. Or however that saying goes. It’s crazy to think this hurts like it did early on. Being ignored and blocked just drives me crazy. Like why block me and not handle the conversation like adults. Sorry, I guess I am just back to a low spot. This time I am not blowing my ex up like early on. Something has changed I guess. My story can be the poster for what not to do. My mind keeps trying to tell me do this, just show up and talk to her in person. I feel like I want to try but know its over and there is nothing I can do besides move on. Or at least try to. I haven’t been able to yet, fml.

[sdub]

Wow, everything turned to crap real fast with my ex today. We were still messaging the last few days (she ignored a few). Then later today she sent me a message saying “I transferred you $100. I owe you $300 more. Then I was like woahh, you remember that other $200 I sent you in August. You owe me $500 now but we can talk about it in person. I was half way joking about the $200. She literally flipped out and screen shotted the messages when I sent her the money. Honestly I didn’t care if she paid it back. Then she said this is why I want nothing to do with you and said she is only paying me pay $300 period. I told her I gave her that money because I wanted to help her out not because I was worried about it. Also that she interpenetrated the message wrong because I wasn’t trying to fight or argue. That is something stupid to argue over and I don’t care. Then she deleted me on Facebook and blocked me.

I didn’t go full panic mode. But I did call and left a message saying I could careless about the $200. I don’t know if she got it so I followed up with a text hours later. Damn, she is cold as ice. This is so stressful. Too bad I didn’t get to block her first like you guys suggested. The worst part is I can’t even explain or defend myself. It really gets to me. I have to ask myself, do I really even want to be with someone that is so bi polar? I can’t believe she flipped out and blocked me.

[sdub]

TLV,
It was defiantly a positive thing going out with that girl Saturday. I don’t expect anything to come from it and won’t contact her a few weeks but it was just great to get out and have fun with someone I was interested in. Hopefully we go out again sometime but if not that’s ok too. At least I learned what it felt like to be treated good again and not have to play games. In a sense, it helped me move on a little bit. I know exactly how you feel about being blocked on all forms of communication. When that happened to me, it literally made me miss my ex more, chase her like crazy, and kind of obsess. That was defiantly a rough depressing time after my breakup. Have you have you had any type of contact with your ex since she blocked you? I think ultimately I will block my ex on all forms of communication. When I do this, I won’t plan on trying to get back with her, it will be to completely cut her out of my life forever and move on. Hopefully I can hold true to that when it happens. I think I have finally started to accept that there might be no getting back with my ex and things might not ever change and I need to be ok with that.

We keep going in circles. I don’t talk to her, we start talking, I show interest, and then she goes cold on me again. I think it’s a power thing for her. I get to far away and she reels me in. Even yesterday (Tuesday) when she asked how I am, we discussed me giving her some of her stuff back that I have and yet we could never arrange a time and place to meet. It’s just tiring at this point and has gotten old. At least that’s how I feel today. Things will never change it’s just like everything is on repeat. I also realized, once I completely cut her out of my life and block her, I have to accept that she will date other people. Things won’t be the same and that’s just how it is. I know it’s going to be horrible and hurt, but that is just life. I just read your most recent posts and totally have to agree with you about wanting things that we can’t have. Sometimes after a breakup you begin to realize what you really liked about a person or hated. I imagine, if you get back with your ex, or if I ever get back with mine, we won’t take for granted the things we did before. Then again, we may also not want to get back with them because of the things we realize that we don’t like about them and don’t want to put up with in the long run.

Hi SaraiD,
Four years is a long time. It sounds like you have gained control over your emotions a lot quicker than I have and handled your situation quite well. You are lucky your ex doesn’t use Facebook or anything. It only makes things more complicated and a lot harder. I did the exact same thing you were doing with whatsapp checking for the last time my ex was online. Doing stuff like that serves no purpose at all besides to make your mind go crazy. I did essentially what you did when I first attempted no contact. I went two weeks and then broke it. Then if I remember correctly, I went like a month and break it. A few of the times my ex reeled me back in. Or I just got weak and gave into talking to her. You mentioned making a list of things you didn’t like about your ex. I actually did that months before my ex and I broke up. The sad thing is, she has fixed most of the things I didn’t like about her after we broke up. Realistically, there are probably some deal breakers that can’t be fixed. I will have to reevaluate my list.

My feelings have changed a lot after all of this time but I still miss her. Overall I think I am getting a better handle on things and am beginning to accept that if I keep holding on, it only prolongs the pain. I plan on going no contact within the next week or so. I hope I am as level minded as you. That’s great to hear that your confidence has grown! It sounds like you are doing a lot of positive things and that is awesome. I need to get back on that track. For awhile I was going to the gym, hiking, and doing lots of self improvement. I need to get back on that track. I love meeting new people. It just seems like the only places I meet them are through going out to bars and parties. I would like to meet them in other ways but I haven’t quite figured out how yet. Literally everybody at my work is old so that doesn’t make it easy to make friends like past places I have worked. It just seems like so much has changed since I dated my ex. I use to meet tons of people but things have slowed down. Maybe it’s just a transitional period or something. Do you plan on ever contacting your ex again? I see grad school as a way of meeting new people and it’s something I have wanted to check of my bucket list for awhile.

I have been kind of busy today and began writing both you (SaraiD)and TLV responses last night and throughout today. I plan on going no contact soon just for my sake. I was kind of worried about my ex repaying my money I lent her back if I blocked her on all social media. Strangely enough, she ended up messaging me today and sending me a screen shot of a post I was tagged in about spending money at bars and festivals. Then we exchanged a few messages and she said “I know I still owe you $400. I think I am going to quit XXX (her second job). Working 6 days a week is rough. I just didn’t want you to think I forgot. I have just been a little strapped”. Really she owes me $600 I didn’t exactly clarify that but am going to. I am kind of tired of not being as straight forward as I normally would be. We messaged periodically throughout the day, and briefly talked about meeting up today. She ended up saying she really isn’t feeling well and as no surprise, we aren’t meeting today. I am glad I finally realize this is just going in circles and nothing will change and my eyes are finally open. Perhaps that’s part of moving on. I am sure she will respond to my last message because after she said she really isn’t feeling well I responded with “pregnant? Lol”. I was just giving her crap. A bit later I started to wonder, what if she really is, she mentioned she had an appointment today, I wonder what kind of appointment. Then I realized, if she really is it would suck, but life would go on and I would end up finding somewhere better. I am so much more together than I was even a month ago.

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