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I know what this feels like. Too many fairytales, movies, TV shows etc present an unrealistic view of what a long term relationship is. My ex girlfriend and I were together for four years, and our relationship was healthy (as told by others, and as gauged by my, hopefully, objective self, quite some time after the breakup). However, she said she was bored and that I had taken her freedom (though, in reality, if she said she wanted to go out alone, I wouldn’t have even inquired as to where, or with whom), and that she needs some space to get her life sorted out.
We NC’ed for a while, and even now that we’re “friends” again, we don’t talk more than but once a month or so. On the other hand, we’ve spoken about having a relationship together in the future when the timing and location are permissive. SHE initiated this conversation, not me.
The point is: during NC, you almost want to be forgotten. You want the other person to go about their lives in whatever way they see for; so they can enjoy their freedom. Once they’re happier with themselves and their lives, you’ll pop back up in their mind.
In all reality, he’s NEVER going to forget a relationship he had for SIX years on any reasonable timescale. Those SIX years of memories will certainly hold emotional value, and I’m sure there are some memories he’s quite fond of. This is why NC works, it gives the person time to forget many of the negative aspects of your relationship, and recall the memories that they enjoyed the most.
You can only help him make it better for himself, but if he doesn’t want you around, then there’s nothing you can do. People deal with things in different ways, and if he feels he needs to be alone, then that’s all you can offer him.
You two don’t seem to have a peculiarly bad dynamic going on aside from the confusion on his part. Take solace in the idea that there’s a good chance he’ll try to reconcile things after getting his head on straight.
This sounds like textbook depression to me. Sometimes there just isn’t any reason for it, but the person can’t help the way they’re feeling. The poster above suggests that you leave; you can, but just because someone is abusing drugs doesn’t mean they’re a danger to you. He offered to let you sleep on the couch at home. Coming from a guy who’s had depression and did my best to mask it, internalize it, etc, that statement screams “I’d like you to be here, even if it isn’t the same as before.”
Honestly, being a guy and trying to understand things from his perspective, he’s pushing you away because he doesn’t want you to see him at his lowest. Some girls would bail when things get rough like this, and if that happens they’re more than likely gone for good.
If you’re willing, I’d try sleeping at your place for a night. Go about your business as normal, and try not to bring up anything related to your relationship. The next time you have a serious talk, ask him if he really wants to stop the drinking/drugs. Offer to be there for him, not as a girlfriend, but as a friend, or even a “parent” of sorts. Some people really want that sort of thing (I know I did when I was dealing with this stuff). Tell him that at this point you’re more than willing to listen to everything he has to say, without judgement, if he opens up to you and is 100% honest.
So now it’s up to you: Do you want to be that person that helps him through this (if he let’s you do so at all). Can you handle that? It entails putting your feelings on hold entirely until you’ve helped this other person through their hardship.
If you don’t, then you should follow the above poster’s advice and go complete NC.
This isn’t just a guy thing. My girlfriend of four years did pretty much the same thing. Her family loved me, and contacted me saying they felt she made a mistake, etc. We failed at NC at first, both of us almost trying like nothing happened, then went NC, and then teetered along the friendship line, but eventually it all ends up being NC anyway, not because you’re trying, but because you’re living separate lives and no longer want to concern the other with the inanities that are your every day life (Just as you wouldn’t with most other friends). Sure, they’ll check in from time to time (and you’re welcome to do the same, occasionally), but you’re going to be sorely mistaken when you immediately think “Reconciliation!” every time you get a notification from him (believe me, I’ve been there).
Some people need a dynamic life. They may be happy and comfortable in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want change. This is why these sorts of breakups always involve a degree of uncertainty/confusion on the part of the breakup-er, and a shattered world on the part of the breakup-ee.
Do you for a while, and let him do him for a while. He might realize that you were actually really good together, and seek you out for a second chance. However, continuing to bother him about this breakup is just going to drive him further away. Just step back and let life take it’s course.
I’m not pushing fate or fortune here, but since you’ve already had a relationship with him, I wouldn’t hesitate to say “It will happen, if it’s meant to be.” Basically, there will probably be a time in your life when you reconnect, and if neither of you have found any worthwhile SO’s by that time, you’ll have a good shot at another relationship. Patience is key; “Good things come to those who wait.”
You should continue to stay on your sister’s couch. You can shoot him a text for his birthday, but don’t start a conversation or ask about how he’s feeling.
Stuff gets really complicated when you have shared so much for so long (your house, your dogs, etc). You said he has a problem with alcohol; do you believe that’s the only problem? Not coming home until the middle of the next day might suggest he’s doing something a little more than just getting drunk. Do you have well defined rules for your “break?” (Can you be with other people or is it just a “spend time apart” sort of thing?)
My ex and I agreed to a “break” (other people and all), but shortly after she said she would feel guilty being with anyone else while we were still committed because it wasn’t final, it was a “break.” These don’t work.In my opinion, a relationship has to actually end before you can “start over.” So at this point you have no choice but to wait it out. Don’t reach out to him; leave him alone. Let him think through his problems quietly. One of two things will happen: either, given enough time and space, he’ll realize that he loves you enough not to breakup with you right now, or he doesn’t. Unfortunately the more painful option would probably be better in the long run, as you would be able to end your current relationship and eventually, potentially start it anew. If he chooses to let you stay, it may be just because he doesn’t want to disrupt the home life you have established, and is only going to lead to a further downward spiral.
Maybe he needs to be alone to get his alcohol problem in check. Maybe he’s depressed and needs a bit of change to get over it. Who knows what he’s actually going through, but won’t tell you. Guys tend to keep things to themselves.
Give him his space. Wait it out. Make sure to take care of yourself during this period. The old phrase “Good things come to those who wait” definitely applies here. You’ll be doing no good by continuing to probe him about his feelings.
