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Amy,
I did stop feeling sad about it and kind of just accepted it… And that was right about the time I heard from him. As you know, getting back together is tough work though. The feelings are clearly still there on both ends but there’s distrust relating to the problems that existed in the previous relationship. For us, one problem was my overreaction to things. I feel in a much better space that enables me to express my concerns in a calmer manner. I’m taking a huge leap of faith and trying to lead by example. I think if I change it will help him bring his guard down a little but it’s going to take some time; meanwhile I’m trying to keep calm about the fact that he’s guarded. It’s a vicious cycle ?.
I’m going into such detail because I think it’s important for those of us who want to work things out to keep in mind that it’s WORK. Getting back isn’t like this big sigh of relief; it takes patience and vulnerability (neither of these are traits I come by naturally).
Yes, totally, it made me really sad. But the. The next question is: so what happens if you both get over each other? And the answer is: you go on to live a happy life and you’re not heart broken anymore. That said, I think I’ve said it before, but I think it takes a little longer for the breaker to feel any sadness because the first thing they feel is relief– THEN they go through the stages of grief… So you’re probably ahead of your ex on the recovery cycle, if that makes any sense…
You are all right. I’m not even sure the distance is a bad thing, it’s not cold at all I think he’s just trying to take things slowly. I’m certainly not going to say anything about it and going to try to be more upbeat.
Amy,
How are you feeling after your vacation (from life and from the Internet?)
Kiya and Lin,
I echo Amy’s thoughts regarding no contact. It was totally helpful to me to take the time to refocus my life on myself. Even though some of that stability is gone now that we are back talking, I feel really grounded knowing what w good life I’ve made for myself while I’ve been completely single.
We spent about a week texting a bunch and then hung out three times this weekend. One of those times we had what turned out to be a good, but was definitely an emotional talk about everything. Today he’s being more distant than before. I’m pretending to ignore it because I know bringing it up will only cause problems. There’s a lot of change that needs to happen and while I think no contact helps you get into a space to talk about those things, it’s not a magic problem eraser, the problems are still there
Lin,
I don’t know how I missed your first message regarding setting boundaries, but you are so right. It is something I am awful at and I end up complaining because I’m not getting what I want when it’s partially my fault for letting my needs go unmet without saying anything. I’ll need to do better. I mostly just think im having a hard time enjoying this bc I’m scarred from being broken up with in the past but I need to get over it and figure out a way to have some more faith.
I am glad to hear you’ve got a more realistic view of the past now. I think that’s a tough thing for anyone who thinks they want to work things out to understand– it’s rare (or impossible) to have a relationship where one person is completely happy and the other is so discontented they end it. Usually both parties are dissatisfied. How long have you been on no contact for?
Kiya, Did you end up responding?
I would respond but be polite and ask for space. I think you’re right that he probably needs some time to let go of his anger and it sounds like emotions are still running a bit high on your end as well. I don’t want you to have a kind conversation only to get into another fight after a few days. Take a little more time for yourself
I think that’s exactly what I mean. Maybe not that I want out so much as I realize so much trust has been eroded. I feel unsure about his feelings (after all, he has jumped ship before) and I just want to slow down. Hanging out in public places is a good idea. I think I am going to put him on “do not disturb” while I’m at work so we aren’t texting throughout the day.
Kiya,
A vacation without cell service sounds amazing. What’s new with you?So my ex and I hung out a bit this weekend. We are probably moving a little too fast. I need to slow things down because we really do need to change things and I’m not happy like I should be because I know without these changes it’ll end up where it was. Any good tips on how to slow it down?
Yes it was my birthday yesterday. I heard from him but it was the least I’d heard this all week… Probably because it’s kind of awkward when normally you would’ve celebrated together. Anyways, I went out with family and friends and we had a really great time. I feel similarly, a little lonely but pretty sure this isn’t going to work out so I might as well prepare myself for what’s next.
You’ll definitely find someone else and take what you learned from this into that relationship. If you’re in school than I assume you’re relatively young, which means the guys you are dating probably also have a lot of growing up to do. Do NOT worry about finding someone and enjoy school!
Happy birthday, Catherine! I’m so proud of you for not overthinking things today and not surprised about your ex given his Instagram post. Sounds a little like he’s expecting you to be the one to make the first move and like he feels he is owed an apology, it’s a little immature and you can certainly do better.
In your case, I’m going to say not to contact him. There are some instances of tangential contact between the two of you that have kind of eroded the mystery to what you’re up to. I think you take this opportunity to surprise him. The guy knows you care about him, he expects you to text him–it’ll get him thinking about you when you don’t.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s rude to keep to yourself on his bday, it’s not rude, it’s normal.
In the mean time, have a FANTASTIC vacation!! Being distracted will be a very good thing for you, the time will pass more quickly.
It’s oddly normal. We talk about the things we would have talked about before and he isn’t mean at all, apologetic to start to be honest.
I haven’t asked to see him- it has only been a few days so I think I’ll continue to hold out another week or so. If he doesn’t want to see me I think that will answer my question for me. I’ve been a little unfair in the past for the sake of “guarding” myself from being hurt, only to end up pushing him away. So maybe I’m better off giving the benefit of the doubt this time around.
Thanks all for being a sounding board! Keeps me sane.
I get where you’re coming from and I think you’re smart. You seem to give good advice so I have to ask your opinion. My ex has been texting a lot. He also has kind of made a point of telling me about how he does certain things alone (I don’t even come close to asking because in scared to hear the response). As I’ve said, we’ve broken up at gotten back before. When we did, I got kind of freaked bc he hadnt clearly stated his feelings (not really his MO) and ended up ruining it bc I couldn’t handle not knowing where things stand. This time, I am doing a better job at playing it cool and calming myself down- trying to show him that I’ve changed… But I’m still very, very scared. Do you think I should keep it going and see where it goes or am I better off telling him it’s too much and trying to move on for good
Catherine,
Lin is completely right. He’s trying to get to you and definitely cares in some fashion (albeit kind of an immature one). I can’t remember how old he is, but that would have turned me off because an adult man should not be acting like that. This says so much more about him than it does about you.
Lin,
You mentioned that the messages were weird before, and I’m not sure I fully understand what that means- but in any case, you are smart to not respond. It sounds like you are past the trying to win him back phase and I wish I could say the same for myself, good job! I think the hardest part of moving on is realizing it’s time to move on.
