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I’m sorry you’re having a tough day, Fishing. I’m kind of there too because he keeps texting me about random things and it makes me eager for more… Reaching out to ya’ll or helping when I can helps me a lot too, so thank you all.
Is there anyone you can go spend time with? Sometimes getting out and around other people is the hardest thing to force yourself to do, but it almost always helps– at least the time passes more quickly!
Totally. The confidence boost is great and sometimes it’s when you’re not really looking for someone that you find them.
Next weekend a bunch of my friends and I are going to a small mountain town to celebrate one of our friend’s birthday’s and then I have a big race in Colorado in two weeks so those two trips will be good distractions– although tough because the type of stuff he and I would have done together.
What about you guys?
As open as I am to the idea of moving on, I find myself canceling dates– not so much because of him but because I’d rather do the things I need/want to do than go out with a stranger. I can’t tell if I should be worried or if it says good things about my independence
Yeah, as weird as it is, I think “forgetting” that you’re attractive is pretty common and I definitely think first dates are as healthy as I think rebound “relationships” are unhealthy— it’s a delicate balance. Once you see someone’s true colors aren’t really what you thought it does get a little easier though. Or at least I hope that’s your experience.
I don’t really have any updates except that instead of no contact we are back to casual contact; probably dangerous but it’s pretty much all I’m ready for right now
How is everyone else?!
Amy,
He doesn’t really sound like a great guy to be honest. It may just be because he’s young, but a more compassionate person wouldn’t want to shove it in your face knowing that you’re hurting. I know it hurts to see that sort of thing, but at some point you’ll look at those actions and think, “thank God I didn’t stay with that guy”. Tell me about your date, someone you are really interested in? Try to focus on what’s coming up ahead. Remember, if this guy can make you feel good- a new guy (without the messy history) could make you feel even better!
I get what you’re saying. And I’m not opposed to the idea of being the first to reach out, butt despite my ex’s extreme stubbornness, he has been the first to reach out in the past. This could possibly be because he’s SO stubborn the only way reconciliation appeals to him is if it’s his idea, not mine.
I really think it’s best to err on the side of less contact when things are contentious as it sounds like both Amy and Catherine’s situations may be. Posting social media pictures with other girls is an immature move and it may feel like the guy is happy but he’s more likely trying to get a rise out of you, don’t let it.
When someone tells you they don’t want to hear from you, respect that. Reaching out because it’s someone’s birthday when that person has explicitly asked you not to reach out is different than reaching out when things are still friendly between you. If you ever reconcile with your ex and they ask why you didn’t reach out for some event, you can say, “because you asked me not to and I wanted to respect your wishes.” Sometimes- actually a lot of times- all people need is SPACE. I know it’s so, so hard to give them that because you are imagining every worse case scenario (trust me, I do it too)but you’ve got to be a little stronger than that and have some faith that if they care about you as much as you deserve they’ll come to you. And won’t that make you happier, having the other person approach you instead of you approaching them?
Ugh Amy, I’m sorry, that’s the worst. If it makes you feel any better, there was a point at which I saw my ex driving some girl home while we were broken up the last time. It was someone who didn’t mean anything and I think spending time (ok, a night) with someone he wasn’t really into sped up his desire to come back to me.
Unfortunately, I never really got over it and it definitely affected our reconciliation and is probably still affecting me now. One thing I think we often forget to consider is having them back, it’s not the same because you still feel a little betrayed and the more bad acts they do during the break, the more betrayed you feel.
In any case- rebounds backfire and don’t mean much or anything at all so try to learn from my mistake and don’t let it get to you.
I feel SO much better now that we aren’t trying to work things out. Still lonely and I wish things had worked out, but I’m also very relieved. As we said–ups and downs!
Lin,
I think it’s important to keep in mind that this is a process with both ups and downs. Feeling low doesn’t mean you’re going backwards, it just happens to be the way you’ve been feeling lately. You may recover quickly and come further than you had before. Based on the advice you give, you seem to know a lot about the importance of being compassionate toward yourself. It’s ok to feel down and it won’t last. Who knows where he’s at, he may just be taking longer to come around.. Heck, he may take too long and you’ll find a wonderful new guy in the mean time; but you’re still a fantastic person and he will and probably does miss you.
I am so glad to hear that! I hope to be in the same place some day soon. I just started no contact again. I am really hoping that I will move on this time. I get way too carried away when we start back up again and my expectations get in the way and I am totally unable to enjoy the reality… I’m not sure that will ever change. Although maybe if I make my goal 90 days instead of 30 I will be better off.
Amy,
How are you feeling? Are you still on no contact?
Have there been any updates since your friend sent you those snaps?Lin,
Great advice as usual. What are the updates on your end?
I think the real question is, will it hurt you if he doesn’t reply? If the answer is yes, don’t text him. If the answer is no, go ahead. For the time being you are not a couple so you need to put your self care first.
I just think the importance of a birthday wish is a bit overdone. I think the consequences of letting your ex be on his birthday are actually positive- you’ll probably take him by surprise. I don’t think he’ll be angry with you–especially because he did not wish you a happy birthday, he kind of set the protocol. It’s possible he’ll appreciate your well wishes, it’s also possible he’ll think you’re finding any excuse you can to contact him.. You know him, how do you think he will take it?
