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I am glad to hear you are feeling so much more upbeat and interested in someone new, that’s really great.
Yeah, I guess I’m not that upset with myself when I rally evaluate it. It wasn’t a “let’s get back together” conversation so much as my being honest about my intentions and lack of desire to wind up in the friend zone… I think it had to happen.
I had mentioned I didn’t want to pressure him and if this all scared him we could go back to not talking… He replied by saying it was fine and sent me some pictures to change the subject to something lighter
I am feeling a little pathetic that this has gone on for so long and that I know deep down I am willing to let it go on for longer–how do I really let go?
So I went off the plan and I had a come to Jesus moment with my ex this morning. I told him that I still have feelings for him and that I hoped our friendship could help us communicate more openly and improve things between us. He told me he doesn’t want to try things out not bc he’s not attracted to me but bc he doesn’t want to go though this again and does not believe we are fixable right now. I left it by saying that I understand and I could sense his reluctance to trust me and I had hoped open communication would change that but perhaps he needs more space. He did not respond, which is a response in and of itself I suppose. So I said it before but now I actually have no choice but to return to no contact. I of course have some feeling of “if I had just let it play out, maybe this would have worked out” but I probably would have screwed it up with my hopeful expectations. The worst part? I’m still hanging onto hope that by giving him space he might come around. I probably should have consulted ya’ll before acting… What do you think of my decision?
Amy,
I am in the same spot myself. Just kind of feeling like it’s time to give up. He’s made it very clear that he hasn’t been going on dates, but at the same time he is not dating me… I know we had the two week plan but I am thinking it is just time to pull back now. I am kind of in a weird/sad acceptance stage of things. Maybe it’s just a lack of patience, but I am just feeling hopeless because he hasn’t asked to see me.
Soupy,
I wouldn’t like anything. I think social media contact is the least personal form of contact there is. When you reach out with your note and flowers you will show her how much you care in a more meaningful way. You’ve got a good plan so stick to it!
Amy,
I think the memories things really depends not just on the break up but on how the relationship was generally… With my last ex when we first broke up I really really wanted to be with him but we went no contact for about 30 days… At the end of that I was friendly with him again but was amazed that she still wanted to get back together because I realized that our relationship was horrible. On the flipside, I definitely know that giving my current ex time has really improved the way he relates to me.Soupy,
Just thinking about that situation makes my heart race for you! I get shakey sometimes after those random run ins… Glad she waved, that’s kind of cute! You’ve got a good plan, stick to it.Lin,
I have ONE friend I talk to about the breakup bc I’m worried my friends will hate him for hurting me so I just say “we talk a little” casually. Lies, ha. I’m working on the plan, he would be totally weirded out by any favors so I’m just being overly flirty. This is probably TMI but we had great sexual chemistry so I figure having him think of me in that way is bueno–trust me, I’m being cautious and we aren’t sleeping together. It has lead to more convos about other things so we’ll see. It’s tough talking to him at all though because I’m sure he’s still talking to other girls on tinder or whatever and it makes me feel a little silly.
Fishing,
I read about the earthquake. I am sorry to hear that and flag your family is ok. Don’t be so quick to judge your ex though… Who knows if she’s just totally behind on the news or what, it could be anything
Amy,
You aren’t stupid and they don’t think so either; they just want you to get over this guy as quickly as possible. If you feel like it won’t be a huge setback if/when he doesn’t respond, then go ahead. You’ve got to think about you more than you think about him or them.
I think flowers (simple, don’t go spending a ton of money) are best. More of a traditional gift and not overly personal (but def semi-personal if you know her favorite kind). The CD is something a boyfriend would do, it just seems like a little much in my opinion.
Soupy,
As we know, I err on the side of not reaching out BUT, I think that’s a great idea. As long as the gift isn’t too over the top (even flowers just to brighten her mood) and the note is a simple “I know the past few weeks have been difficult, here’s a little something to brighten your day” Given your history and intimacy with this woman AND the fact that you’ve done a great job at giving her space, I think a note like that will be a really well-received sign that you still care-regardless of whether she responds or not. Good luck!
Lin,
It sounds like you’ve got a great perspective on things. Hopefully I’ll get there soon enough too!
Lin,
It seems weird out of context but I’m highly emotional and he is about as inexpressive as it gets. It honestly took a break up to realize how much he really cared for me. But I like your plan! It has everything- an opportunity to show I’m not always going to be emotional AND a deadline–two weeks. Which is the perfect date because I’ll be out of town for my race the week after next and that’s something he’ll likely be highly interested in hearing about. Thank you thank you thank you–having no plan or end game is not how I like to operate.
How are you holding up? Seeing anyone?
No, he knows what I want. We were no contact, then he reached out and we started texting for like a week and had met up once and had a great night. The next day (alcohol involved) I invited him to my bday party and he came and we ended up having a pretty emotional talk. We both agreed that was way too fast, but I expressed that I wanted to work on things. He said the emotions had turned him off and he wasn’t wanting to pursue anything “right now”– my approach since then is to continue contacting him sporadically in a positive, non-emotional way. Occasionally he will do the same, but I don’t get the sense he’s dying to talk to me or anything. We met for coffee on Saturday (my invite) which was pleasant and then afterward he was really flirty about how good I looked etc. The signals seem mixed. I’m not sure if I’d have better luck by continuing to reach out to show him it doesn’t need to be emotional all the time or by going silent and giving him space. I’d love some opinions on that.
Keep in mind that I’m contact VERY little-maybe a few texts every other morning, not like I’m blowing up his phone, but it still may be too much.
I think maybe I will use mid-September as my deadline. Since we are already having positive interactions it makes sense to pick an earlier date for seeing progress at least. Right now I feel like we’ve gone backwards. He really responds more positively to no contact (wants me more when he can’t have me) but my real goal is to change the way we relate to one another for the better– without getting friend zoned.
