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Amy,
How do you feel about that? My initial reaction is, “that makes this so much harder.” When you can move on and be done it’s one thing but I don’t love the idea of an “open door” because if it were me (and you may be different) I would hold out hope. When we first broke up it was like that, and while we did get back together I was basically just waiting around for him to come back; I made few changes to myself and I DEFINITELY didn’t do a thorough evaluation of what differences I wanted to see on his end. Needless to say, it did not work out. In my mind, it’s better to act as if that is it for good and try to anticipate how the next chapter in your life will be better
Catherine,
I feel like we are dealing with the same person. It’s like you can’t have a direct conversation about anything you want because that is a “demand” and he doesn’t take demands. It’s a part of why I feel unsure about wanting him back… I’m not sure I’d ever really be happy with someone like that. Miss him? Yes, a ton, but that is all I am sure of. Either way, I hope you have a fantastic bday!
Amy,
You’ll be ok! Like you said, this girl is your friend, just don’t over ask or over share- you can do that.
Also, for my ex’s bday I wished him a happy 3-4… He was turning 33. It was a total accident but was kind of hilarious. He’s a little older than me and I think the thought of turning 34 freaked him out a little.
My birthday is Wednesday too! Really though, the only chance of him knowing are if he looks at his calendar… And it took him like a week to see I had written a happy birthday not to him on his birthday so my expectations are none. Do you want to hear from him? Like I said, I’m pretty sure I don’t but my ego says otherwise sometimes. Either way, it sounds like you’re doing really well. I feel like I’ve just realized I’ll probably think about him to some extent until I meet someone else, not sure if you’re on the same page but it kind of seems like it
Some days are easier than others. Yesterday work was really killing me so when I noticed he unblocked me my first thought was “please don’t reach out to me right now because I am not ready” So I am trying to keep that in mind. As much as I miss him, the trust is worn and the rest of my life is out of whack and I need to learn to be a little more self centered
Yikes. That’s awful and totally disrespectful. I wouldn’t be so worried about going off c honestly it doesn’t seem like he’s someone whose opinion should be of high importance. I’m sorry that happened, but it probably felt good to let the anger out a bit. If I were you, I wouldn’t beat myself up about it; that’s extremely rude.
On my end, after just over two weeks of no contact I am suddenly unblocked on social media. Not trying to read too much into such things, he probably just wants to be able to check up on me. He probably knows I noticed too because I don’t post often and all of a sudden all the photos he tagged me in were back. I’m sticking to no contact, but it’s good to know I’m still popping up in his mind
Amy,
Did you already have your meet up with the sister? It makes me a little nervous; I feel like exes frequently assume things are about them even if they’re not. Don’t blow of his sister but in the future Id try to keep contact to a minimum because Lin is right, she’s repeating everything. That’s what I would do for my brother– I love his girlfriend but he’s my family.That feeling is totally understandable but I think it’s unlikely. I have a theory that break ups take a little while longer to affect guys; and maybe Soupy can speak to this. But at first breaking up seems bright and shiny and then after the first few weeks on their own, they realize they miss the companionship and the grass isn’t really greener. My question for you (and myself honestly) is if he comes back, do you really want someone who had to abandon you to figure out your worth?
Amy,
I am not going to lie to you, he is probably going to be very distracted and having a lot of fun over the next eight weeks. However, when he gets back I have a feeling that your absence is going to hit him like a ton of bricks. While traveling is a helpful way to feel good about yourself it also takes you away from reality and when you get back and something is off… The feeling is not great. However, I urge you not to be read it available upon his return– as difficult as that is.Kiya,
Glad to hear he has changed things up; I’m sure that encourages everyone else as well. Funny how after you get pur through so much crap you’re not even sure you still want the things you used to… In past break ups I’ve been the same. My last ex proposed at one point ?? keep us posted on what you decide
Ohhh I was just thinking that as I wrote my lament. Thank you both for your uplifting words. I know you are right. Truthfully, dating other people who don’t measure up have made me appreciate my ex more so hopefully the same happens on his end… We will see.
I am needing some encouragement to not reach out today. I really feel hopeless the longer time goes and I don’t know anything about his life. I know he is out dating other people (so am I) and I know it is not that easy to find someone you connect with (before me, he hadn’t had a relationship extending beyond a few weeks for five years) but there’s always that chance. I also know he’s filling his time with a girl he’s not super into from his past. I say he’s not super into her because she’s always just kind of been an option but he never dated her. Even though I know his feelings for her are probably not very strong, it kills me to think he’s not missing me anymore.
Amy,
I’m training for a run in September! It’s a high elevation trail run. Kind of bitter sweet because we had definitely made plans to do a week of camping and hiking before hand but now I am going with my parents and really, how many opportunities am I going to get to hang alone with my parents in my adult life? I’ve also started doing Pilates, which I love because learning the posture for the movements takes ALL my focus for the whole hour, it’s a great way to start the day! It’s also good because like you Amy, I was really struggling to force myself To work out because I was keeping myself up late at night.
Work is also good, I’m at kind of a crucial point in my career and was a terrible employee for a few months while I was distracted agonizing. Now it’s my distraction from agonizing.
Amy,
I think asking him if there is another reason when he gave you a reason will make it look like you definitely don’t trust him. Even if you’re right, pressing the issue will make him defend his position more. That said (you probably don’t want to hear this yet, but I want you to know) there ARE plenty of guys out there that would have an open and honest conversation with you about their concerns in the relationship and wouldn’t leave you agonizing. Maybe you will find one of these people in the interim time. Or maybe he will see the error of his ways. Either way, time can heal all of this, but you need to help it by trying to redirect your energy (which is tough. I am certainly struggling with it)
Kiya,
I think you’re hurting your chances of him reaching out by keeping in contact with his mom. She is likely giving him updates about you so he doesn’t even have to wonder where you went when you go no contact. Is there a way you can gently ask her to stop reaching out as well?I think that hope is norma. and to some extent can make it feel easier to move on because starting no contact feels less permanent; but I think dating is good because it makes you realize it IS over and it’s going to be OK. Even when I don’t have a connection with someone, it’s nice to be reminded of my value. So yes, I have been dating; and I think he will think that that sucks, but that’s the consequence of breaking up with someone.
Kiya. Back away from your phone. Seriously. Give it at least three days (unless he initiates); I worry you’re pressuring him into giving you an answer that will be a “no” I know it’s difficult to believe this with a move coming up but situations are fluid and feelings are fluid and his feelings may change from anywhere in the country–but not if your pressure him (and you seem to know this). Just keep telling yourself that you are more likely to get a positive response if you create more space for him to come to you and stop waiting by your phone. Give his number to a close girlfriend and delete it so you can’t text him. Whatever it takes.
Yeah. Honestly, I am pretty uncertain whether I want him back or what I wanted him to be and never got.
You seem fairly resolute… Do you plan on dating other people during that 3-5 months? I like that your ex is creating a clear space between you instead of trying to keep in touch, but I don’t like that it sounds a little like he is banking on you waiting patiently on the other side of this- I hope I am wrong. May I ask how old you are? Or more to the point, how old is your ex?
Been there; deactivated my Instagram. You can’t read too much into that bc for the most part when people reach out to exes after a (real) relationship ends it’s a flimsy attempt at an ego boost.
I don’t really understand him being afraid to commit after 18 months (plus your history) … That sounds like a commitment to me. Unless you’re pushing for a ring but it doesn’t sound like threat is the case. I get why you feel confused! That said, I don’t think he will give you any sort of answer that will make you feel better so keep moving forward and take his words at face value.
For me, we had a lot of external factors that led to fighting and insecurity on my part. By the time I got over it and was ready to work on things he was way too far gone. No matter how differently I approached situations, he was on edge–the space was definitely necessary. I just feel a little like I walked away with all the blame so while I can fix the things I contributed; I’m not sure he’ll heal in a way that will help us work things out (even though he has fully admitted that he didn’t treat me as well as he should have)
