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The thing about rebounds is you never know where they will go, so it’s better to try not to read into it. Honestly ping pong, I’m glad I cut contact and stopped doing the friends thing. I miss him a lot but I don’t feel trapped or as hopeful (which was the death it my moving on process). It sounds like you’re doing a bit better and it’ll only get better with time. I have noticed that with each relationship the next one gets better and healthier so I try to look forward and feel happy about that. And not dwell on the fact that I’m getting older ?? haha
I think you are doing to exact right thing (as long as it isn’t too agonizing for YOU). Being consistently friendly and someone she can talk to without pushing will take you really far. You can probably reach out a bit more than you are to better establish consistently.
And you are totally right about this being the best thing for me; it’s easy to lose sight of that because it was so comfortable having him still text me every day. Barring him dating someone else seriously (honestly unlikely, I was the first girl he dated for more than a few weeks in years) I’m sure he’ll come around, but I’m not sure I want him to. I’m starting to think this flip flop behavior has a lot less to do with me and more to do with him– I could be perfect (ok, no I can’t but bear with me) and this could happen again
In my advice I probably did not highlight the importance of the fact that he and I had gotten a to a place where we were very open and honest in our communication; it was comfortable on both ends
Ok never mind I just read it. I think you need to go the “friends” route for a bit if you have the emotional capacity for it. Keep things light and friendly because she seems to WANT to hear from you, so long as you don’t talk about the relationship and it is difficult to figure out why that is at this juncture and the only way to find out is to get her more comfortable with the idea of talking to you regularly. If in a few weeks you feel like you are making no progress, you can decide what to do from there.
That was basically what I did. Our interactions were pleasant but I was all too aware of the fact that I can not get over my ex as long as we are talking so I had to draw the line (again). I was very clear this time that he was to only talk to me if he wants things to move forward and he texted me not even 12 hours later about a restaurant… Lame. Once I responded that his next text better be fore a date, he did not respond. Even though I didn’t get the answer I wanted I was glad I did things my way bc I left things friendly and felt like I regained some dignity by refusing to be relegated to friendship. It makes me sad thinking this is it, which is why I’m partially holding out hope. But I know in my heart that it’s probably the real end for us.
Hope this brings you some comfort!
I’m definitely not taking for granted that he will come back. In fact, I am the one that’s trying to break it– it’s never been me that has asked for space before because I believe any problems can be overcome so long as both people are willing to work on them. I was tired of feeling like the only one working, but I can’t deny that there is a part of me that hopes this will serve as a wake up call.
If you are worried it will sound like you are trying to justify yourself, you are probably right. I think you are best apologizing and owning up without the explanations, don’t even risk making it sound like you’re making excuses.
I keep wavering about my decision to cut contact off. I mean, I know I made the right choice for myself, but I just miss him so much. The cyclical nature of our past makes it harder for me to move on because he has come back before so why not now
Well then I say go for it. Although maybe cut it down so it is more effective. I’m glad you put so much on the table, but the lawyer in me says that a shorter “argument” is more likely to captivate your audience.
At this point I think you’re in a position where nothing you do (so long as it’s reasonable and not overly-emotional or harassment or anything) will turn her from a yes to a no; she’s probably made up her mind for the time being so you might as well send the letter if you really feel it will bring you closure. For me, actually sending those letters raises excitement in hopes I’ll get a certain response so I write, but don’t send… We are all different and our exes are all different, you’ve gotta do what’s best for you
I don’t know your ex so let me ask you this– if she were irritated, would you still be glad you sent it?
I know you’ve put a lot of thought into this and it seems like it’s more for your healing than hers. (Which I think is positive) If this is true, send it so you can get the closure you need. I don’t think there’s any crime in honesty as long as you are not desperate or mean in the letter, it’s probably good. She may respect you for owning up to things, I certainly would.
Take as much time as you need. If you get to 45 days and don’t need feel ready, take more. fishing is on the right track with the letting go– I don’t think it’s a good idea to reach out while you’re emotionally invested in a certain outcome. It gets too frustrating when things don’t go that way and THAT is when you screw things up. You’ll be fine, reach out to us when you feel on the brink. It’ll all get easier with time.
Oh my gosh sorcha, you can read all of his messages?! That seems like my absolute nightmare (although I’d be totally unable to resist the urge to check). The “for now” words pissed me off too, way to keep me on a string, buddy.
How far is the distance between you guys? You need to box up his stuff and ship it back to him. Or at the least box it up (iPod at the bottom) and hide it out of site. It sounds like you are really doing a good job of being strong but these connections to him would hold anyone back. I’m proud of you for making it through 30 days and even deciding to extend it– that kind of self care is exactly what you need to be doing. Give yourself some credit and a pat on the back because that’s incredibly hard.
I imagine you’ve got a lot of questions because it seems out of the blue given all he withstood, but try not to think about those. He might reveal his reasoning later on, he might not, but just keep up the good work moving forward.
You are right about my situation. I won’t respond anymore and I think my final message made things pretty clear. In the past I would have responded a lot more positively. I’m just not into the mind games. He even admitted we couldn’t really be friends and that he couldn’t stand being in the same room being unable to touch each other, but I am sooo uninterested in being kept on the back burner. I may not be over him but I’m definitely over that.
Exactly. It feels like a mind game. At the very least it’s selfish. I totally understand his reluctance and concerns and I’m not trying to force him into a relationship he’s not ready for. I wish he’d respect my requests in return, I can’t be his friend because it is disrupting my healing. Being firm with him and standing by my request has made me feel better and the second date went super well. I get fishing’s skepticism about dating while you still have feelings for someone else, but in my case I feel like it’s helping me take things slowly and not get over excited at this new prospect.
Amy,
It sounds like you’re getting to a much better headspace but are definitely experiencing ups AND downs. While its hard, you really seem to be turning a corner. Actually, we all do which is kind of cool that we are going through this at the same time.
Catherine,
I love that you have such good friends around you. Your ex sounds like a grass is greener kind of guy and you strike me as a loyal person that deserves more (bad people don’t typically have great friends). I’m sorry that you have to see him all the time. Even when I was in high school I went to an all girls school so I’ve never dealt with that, I don’t know how I’d fair.
Fishing,
You are right about the ability to let go. It’s difficult because there’s an element of, “will letting this person go bring them back” but you can’t think like that. Now that I’ve put myself in this position I’ve been trying to tell myself even if he came back I could not take him. It helps me to not think of his return as a positive thing, and diminishes my hope, which is good.
My update–
After my ex started reaching out to me despite the fact that I told him I had no interest in being friends, we continued talking. I am pretty sure it is his hope (based on his past actions) that he has this idea that we can slowly start talking about and then move forward. However, it makes me feel used and I don’t like it. I got a little frustrated with him one night– which was bound to happen. A few days later I told him that I got frustrated because I can’t be friends with him, we need to either be moving slowly forward or not talking. He said he thought my frustrations were an example of how things would not be any better. My thoughts (I’m a pretty self-aware person) are that if I weren’t in this confusing “friendship” to begin with there would have been no issue. At the end I asked him to not talk to me anymore unless he wants to move forward. THE NEXT DAY he texted me about a change at our favorite coffee spot. I told him his next text about coffee better be for a date. It’s pretty clear he does not take my requests seriously (in part my fault) and I am also positive he really does want to “slowly” work things out, but I can’t do it that way, it brings out a side in me that I do not like. He’s not ready to do things my way, so we are at an impasse.
Going on a second date with this other guy this morning, hiking and breakfast– wish me luck.
Catherine,
I think it’s more likely that your ex’s friend put that on there and then felt weird about it and took it down before his friend (your ex) saw it. Either way, I hope you don’t feel sad– someone called you attractive and either that made your ex feel jealous or someone worried that it would. These all say positive things about you.
Amy,
Any more reach outs from your ex? I’d be surprised if you didn’t hear within the first few weeks of him being back. Either way, just keep plugging forward and you’ll start to feel better I promise.
