Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Update;
So last weekend I broke NC after 2 weeks. I didn’t say much just asked how she was doing. After a brief text conversation it went quiet and I ended up sending a long message about how I felt and that I know she had been saying some bad stuff about me on Fb (a guy I work with is friends on Fb with her) however she doesn’t know that I know him.
Anyway the next day was manic. She text me constantly asking who it was who told me. We spoke on the phone for a bit but she just shouted at me.
That evening we talked civilly on the phone for 2 hours as per her request. We discussed everything and she apologised for acting badly at the end. I got the impression she only did this to try and find out who had told me but nether the less it was a positive conversation where we resolved most things.
The next day I text her in the afternoon asking if she would like to meet sometime. She declined saying it wasn’t all resolved. I said not to worry had a little joke with her and left it until the evening when I text her saying I know she had been dating (she openly told me) and it was fine. I wished her well and included a couple of songs I recorded and left it at that.
All of a sudden last night I get a text from her saying she wasn’t dating or seeing someone and that she liked the songs. She stated she wanted to have her last say as I was wrong. This was the first time she had ever text off her own back.
She text me throughout the night and the morning (I think she was out drinking with her friend as her texts didn’t make too much sense). Initially I thought it was going well but she again continued to have a go at me constantly about various things. Every time I tried to joke around she become dismissive and rude towards me.
In the end she said you won’t be able to text me anymore and with that blocked me literally from everything.
NC is now out of my hands as I have no way of contacting her. I just don’t get why on this occasion she felt the need to break NC just to again constantly have a go at me. Can anyone assist?
Sadly I don’t think there is anything. That’s what awful about NC.
We are basically waiting for someone to want us. That’s what crazy when you think about it.
Why waste so much hurt and emotion on someone who has effectively chosen to do their own thing and not be with us. Even if we think we know better then they do.
I’m literally sitting around waiting for 4th December to text her on her birthday hoping that in some way shape or form that will create some kind of rekindlement.
However this is why we are here, because we have some hope, without that it only makes the whole thing harder to deal with.
That’s ultimately it.
It’s a horrible feeling. Your head knows what’s right but your heart fights back wanting the other person.
I’m 11 days into NC and it feels like a lifetime. The only thing that stops me texting her is that I have literally nothing to say.
It’s pretty much the only time my head wins the battle lol.
I said the exact same thing to mine.
The problem is that it’s very hard to erase those doubts once in someone’s mind. Once someone starts having cold feet about it, getting them on track is hard.
Often it’s due to outside influences. Girls will talk to girls and if they are talking negatively about a relationship they will be encouraged to do something about it. That’s what’s sad and a downside to social media.
When my ex ended it on Fb I have no doubt she was messaged by various guys offering support (i work in this field, you would not believe how often it happens), so when someone has doubts or is in a position like that, there are alternative options that are easier than working on the relationship.
If it’s of any comfort, almost all my exes I’m friends with years on, one or two I see from time to time and meet up with.
Once all the anger, hurt and full on attachment is gone, it’s very easy to rebuild.
Right now any conversation you have will be backed up by you wanting to reconcile, she knows it and you know it, so there will be a barrier.
Your situation is very similar to mine.
I was with someone inexperienced although with a history of issues when it comes to relationships.
She saw every disagreement as an argument whereas i saw it as getting to know each other. She even claimed we were toxic. She said a week before we ended that one more argument and she was gone. The problem is that with that ultimatum I felt like I couldn’t say anything ever, then after one bad day she said she was happy to discuss something I’d raised however when I did, it was game over.
I got angry, i apologised, I begged, I gave her space, did everything she asked but it didn’t work and she just threw obstacles in the way. Countless times she said ‘if I did such and such’ she would have got back with me. Truth was, she never had that intention she just wanted as little guilt as possible and to blame me for everything.
That’s often the issue with someone who isn’t experienced in relationships, it’s all about them as they don’t know how to handle the emotions. It’s also why they there is always the risk there when trying to get involved with them again.
I’ve read through your original post again in some detail. The way I see it, it’s one of 2 things.
Either she took the argument etc as a release and saw it as an opportunity to finally go public about her relationship.
Or
She did it to provoke a reaction as she thinks you have now gone and she no longer has a hold on you.
It’s more than likely the second option, as it’s too much of a coincidence she went public at that exact point. She wants to show you she doesn’t care when reality, she is having trouble letting go.
If I’m completely honest, it will take a long time before you ever reconcile in any way. You have to stick to NC, for as long as possible and only message on special occasions and gauge it from there as to where it’s going. Don’t mention you know about the boyfriend. I would bet she will sooner or later contact you, when she does don’t ignore her but keep it blunt so not to react. Let her lead and see where it goes.
Whilst this might be a rebound, she is obviously trying to move on but is having trouble letting you go.
Further to your post @bingbong
I actually think you are in a good position. Not only is she clearly on a rebound but I think the fact she is so obvious about it all makes it easier for you to do what you have too.
I view NC like this.
The dumpee is left with a hole. They know what they want to fill the hole with but can’t as it’s not available to them. Instead they fill the hole with whatever they can whilst hoping that what they want becomes available again.
The dumper has a hole too and don’t want to have what it already used so tries other things because it wants too, not because it has too.
In other words I think anyone in NC has to be prepared that their ex is more than likely going to go on a date with someone else, or at the very least flirt with someone, as they need to replace that void, even if they created it themselves.
However it’s not until they have tried something else do they know whether they really missed you.
Yours is doing that now, it’s now down to whether or not she wants to go back. There is little you can do to change that apart from better yourself and make her realise what she is missing and isn’t readily available to her anymore.
From my experience, and I’ve had a lot of relationships, whenever I’ve dumped someone I’ve moved on straight away.
I have always missed my ex after dumping them, but this always comes 1-2 months later when I realise they are moving on and I let them go.
I have always been the one to re contact. 1 or 2 have come back, 1 never ever contacted me again and blocked me from everything but we had a really really bad break up.
Currently after being dumped I’m on 2 weeks NC. I have no doubt she won’t contact, it wasn’t a bad break up as such, but I know her well enough to know she is as stubborn as they come and won’t want to show any weakness at all.
If I was to LC her I know she would reply, but I have nothing to say that hasn’t already been said. As for making small talk, there’s no point after 2 weeks as I believe any person will see that as an attempt to get back and put the guard up again. All that would happen is id say hi, she would respond and after 2 or 3 texts she wouldn’t respond and I’d be back to square 1.
That’s how I view it, NC until a point comes whereby you send something and it’s a surprise, that’s when it’s most effective.
I’m with ameee on this.
Im not a fan of LC, mainly because after the relationship ends the dumper inevitably has all the power.
All LC does is remind them you miss them, whilst you do that they can move on however they see fit, complete in the knowledge you still care and would take them back if they wanted too. If it’s that easy for them it can be a barrier.
It’s funny you should mention about getting angry.
I mentioned in my post but that’s how I reacted too. The further I go into NC the more angry I get and the less sad I am about it. It’s really given me strength.
2 weeks ago I would have taken her back in a flash.
I was dumped via text/Facebook status and never saw her again and any reconciliation on my part was thrown in my face. Every time an issue was countered, she found a new one as a reason not to see me.
That’s what I’ve learnt from NC, time give you a chance to reflect on everything and realise that it’s their loss not yours, especially when you give them every opportunity to resolve it. If they choose not too, for whatever reason, it’s their issue. The guilt will hit them sooner or later, whether they act upon that is another matter and is dependent on lots of things such as pride, stubbornness, outside influences (friends and family) and of course if they move on.
Being angry is a good thing, I wouldn’t worry about it.
Hi
Thanks for the response.
After the initial NC of a week, when I went back I apologised and tried to just keep it civil, however it was her that was just constantly criticising over everything. It resulted in me just apologising constantly for things in truth, I probably shouldn’t have apologised for however I just wanted to resolve it.
When that didn’t work I admittedly become frustrated as there is only so much you can do when someone is so focused on the bad stuff.
I would contact her but I don’t want it to appear me grovelling back again.
All I can consider is waiting for her birthday in 2 weeks and sending a happy birthday message and see how that goes, although I’m not hopeful anymore as there doesn’t seem to be any effort at all on her part. I don’t expect her to message me if I’m honest, I just thought she would have unblocked me out of curiosity or to open the door for me to re contact.
