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I really hope it’s not at an end. I would hate for it to end like this. I keep feeling that I should apologize and let her know that I’ll be fine before I can really move past this. Having that be the last conversation we had makes me feel so bad. I don’t know if that would be a mistake though. It might be. I know I have to get past this and focus on myself and not worry about her, I just can’t stand leaving things like this. But maybe I have to? It probably would be best not to say anything…
I keep repeating to myself “I know I deserve better.” maybe soon it will feel like it means something.
Thank you very much for your support and I will send you a message when I have some time. Probably tomorrow. A friend is coming over soon to help distract me for a bit and hopefully do something fun.
I keep going through weird cycles. At night I always have some sort of dream or nightmare about her. I can’t sleep very well because of it. Last night I woke up because I could hear her voice perfectly and clearly saying things that are painful to hear. When I wake up in the morning I’m a complete mess. I look at my phone, see there are no messages from her (she would message me every morning before I woke up when we were together so it became a habit to check first thing.), realize all over again what happened, all of it just comes back to me in one huge wave of overwhelming nausea and sickness and pain and regret, I hug the bear she gave me and just cry. Then after a while I get up, sit down at my computer and just stare blankly into space.
I’ll be all messed up for the next few hours until I find something to focus on really intently, like Doom or Overwatch. I signed up for the emails from this site and I look forward to them every day at 7:53. I’ve been talking to my friends a lot about this and after I do a lot of talking and thinking and figuring things out, I feel like I get a little better. I feel like things can’t be so bad, that this can be fixed somehow, that maybe there’s hope. I try to be positive against the overwhelming negative energy I feel all around me. I try to write a bit, try to get an idea of what I’m going to do and when I come up with an idea, I feel a little better. Then I usually distract myself for the next few hours, usually staying awake well into the night before I feel like I’m distracted enough to try to sleep.
Then comes the nightmares, her face, her voice, everything, all over again and I miss her so much. I’ll wake up like 5 or more times during the night because of this, feeling like I’m burning up, my stomach in knots. And I have to do this all over again the next day, and the next day, and so on. I feel so weak and so tired. I feel like a huge part of me is missing. I miss her so much.
I don’t know how to stop these nightmares. I suppose there’s nothing I really can do. I’ve always been extremely prone to nightmares and she means everything to me.
I’ve been posting things to facebook and instagram regularly. Once every couple days or so. I have no idea if she’s seen any of it. If she has, I can’t tell, but she’s still following me on instagram and friends on facebook.
I got the email about writing the letter last night. I was wondering if I should do that, like a small short note that basically says something like I understand this break up had to happen, that i’m doing well and I hope she is. That I’m sorry for being disrespectful afterwards and not respecting her decision, and that I’d like to talk again sometime in the future but for now we need space.
I haven’t quite worked it out yet, and I’d really rather not lie and say I’m doing fine if I’m barely getting through my day, but I don’t know… I don’t want the last thing between us to be this horrible ugly fight with those terrible words. I don’t want her to remember me as a crazy emotional guy who couldn’t let go. And maybe she won’t. I don’t know.
When we first broke up, about a week after, she came back and called me. She said she was having a hard week, that she was pretty depressed and wished I would get angry or something so it wasn’t so hard. She then said that maybe we could just be friends with benefits or something. And I thought maybe I had another chance, maybe she’d be willing to come back. A week later I kind of had another break down, did the same sort of thing that I did when she got really angry and told me to get out of her life, messaged her too much, didn’t give her space, being broken down and desperate, and that’s when she asked for no contact the first time, which I didn’t handle well. I wrote her like 3 letters during that time… then a week of talking, then she said she wanted a full month of no contact and this time I did it, etc. During our last week of talking, she said it was too soon to try again, but that nothing is impossible in her mind and she would consider me in the future. I was okay with this, and I thought “Okay, we’ll just be friends and I’ll do my best.” until she started talking about dating other people and I lost my head again and broke down and triggered this mess that i’m in now.
I would be fine just being friends until she’s ready, but I wasn’t expecting all this dating talk and I ruined everything because I had a breakdown.
I just feel like I’ve been pushing her further and further away. This is why I feel like a lot of the situation I’m in is my fault. I blame myself for pushing her away.
All of this is very true and it did feel very much like an emotional rollercoaster. Now it feels like the roller coaster went off the rails and crashed..
I’ve been saying “I know I deserve better.” to myself repeatedly today, trying to get it into my head. It sounds weird to say, but I’m saying it anyway, hoping it will sound better soon.I think I might try to write down these things tomorrow if I feel up to delving into this emotional mess. I might need to just distract myself with some more Doom for a bit though.
That’s a good idea about secluding a place and pretending she’s in the room. I’ll try to find a good place to shout and scream and vent and say all the things that I want to say to her when my emotions boil over.
I had no idea I have so much resentment towards her until now. I’ve always trusted her 100% and she’s always been wonderful and very reliable until this all happened. I feel very betrayed and I’m actually pretty surprised at myself for having so much anger towards her come out like that.
I don’t know if I can delete her yet. I don’t feel like I’m ready to do something like that. I can try to actively not go where I might see her though and make it so her posts don’t show up on my feed. Although she does rarely post on facebook and was only online for like 10 minutes. I can’t believe just seeing her online pulled that kind of reaction out of me. I felt so furious and pained.
I get what you’re saying though. I have been putting myself second. I always tried to put her first because I always felt like if she was happy, I was happy. But that doesn’t work anymore. Maybe it never worked.
I don’t really know how how to love myself more than her. Maybe that’s a totally different issue that I need to figure out, but I don’t know how to stop myself from blaming myself. I can tell myself it’s not my fault and that I deserve better, but I don’t really feel like the words are true, but at the same time there’s part of me, the angry resentful part, that’s yelling “You don’t need this shit! You’re being ridiculous and pathetic. She betrayed you and hurt you. You didn’t do anything wrong.” But it’s hard to trust the angry voice.
Is it just a matter of thinking it and saying it to myself constantly?
I’ll try to remember to do that if it happens again. I probably need to find a good secluded spot to vent in. I feel so twisted up and confused. I don’t know what’s right or wrong.
I don’t know why I was set off so bad today. It was so sudden and intense. I just lost control of my emotions. Luckily I didn’t message her or do anything I’d regret. I think writing on here helped. It’s just the waiting without any idea of an end, hoping that she’ll come talk to me again when I don’t know if she will. The overwhelming helplessness I’m feeling. It’s like she’s taunting me. She’s right there, I can see her, but I can’t say anything and all I want to do in the whole world is talk to her. It’s enough to drive me crazy.
I honestly don’t know if I should send the bear or not. I don’t know if it would matter, if it would make her more upset at me if I did, or if it would make her less hostile towards me. Either way though, all I can do is wait for her to come to me? I know I need to be patient, but it’s hard to keep myself calm, keep myself from panicking and breaking down when day after day I’m hoping she comes back and I don’t really know if she ever will. I’m trying to believe that she didn’t mean what she said. I don’t think she meant all of it, but even if she didn’t, I don’t want it to be over. Will I not have another chance unless I let go of her? Isn’t that kind of a paradox? I really don’t understand.
I want so badly to do the right thing. I’m afraid I pushed her away too far to recover from. I hope with every fiber of my being that this can still be saved. That we still have a chance. I’m just having the hardest time staying calm and staying positive when every day I feel less confident that she’ll come back and I feel more and more hopeless about the situation.
Am I just being crazy?
I calmed myself down a bit. Played some Doom. I’m just trying to breathe and drink some water.
Don’t get me wrong. I want her to be happy. I just can’t stand the pain that I feel right now.
I just saw her online on facebook and while I didn’t do anything, I felt like I was hit by a truck. Just from seeing her online. I wanted so badly to say something to her, but I didn’t. I held it in, bit my tongue, clenched my fists and screamed inside myself.
But then I started to feel angry. Very angry. I felt betrayed, I felt hurt, I felt stabbed in the back. And I thought “Why the hell does she get to decide what happens? Why the hell does she get to drop me like a bag of rotten fruit and go off on dates and have fun with other guys while I’m suffering in this torment? She told me that she went to see the new batman movie with three different guys so she could get free food. That she just wants to go out and have fun. Why the fuck does she get to just decide that now? After being together two years. Why does she get to dump me a week before she was going to visit? What the fucking hell? And why does she get to decide not to talk to me because I’m too much. Why does it all have to be my fault?
I’m hurting so bad. I feel like im losing my mind. My heart is pounding and I feel crazy. I’m trying to write on here so I don’t do something stupid. I don’t know why this triggered me so badly. I was mostly ok earlier, just with my waiting, but seeing her online just made me feel all of these emotions and I feel like I’m having a breakdown. I’m in agony. I don’t know what to do. I feel like screaming. I want to scream at her, but I won’t.
I see. I suppose that’s true. I guess I won’t do anything and just wait then. I’m not in any rush to give up the bear, I just thought it might be the right thing to do. Maybe not. I don’t think she really uses facebook very often. maybe a couple times a month? I’ll still do that though, just in case. I changed my status photo on whatsapp and instagram today. I’m going to see a movie tonight with some friends so I’ll take a picture with them while I’m there. Hopefully she sees them..
It’s a pretty helpless feeling not being able to actually do anything, but I guess I just have to have faith in her, hope she talks to me again and try to take care of myself.
Thank you for the help. I really appreciate it. I wish it didn’t hurt so bad and I wish things didn’t end up like this, but I guess there’s nothing I can really do about that. I just want to do the right thing going forward.
Do you have any idea when or if I should try making contact again? Should I try talking to her again after a set amount of time or do I have to just do the social media posting, hope she sees me doing well, wait and hope she messages me? I’m really hoping by sending her back the bear it will make her less hostile to me and get her to contact me. It’s hard to say if she will though.
I am 99% sure she would get very upset with me if I said anything to her right now since that would be once again violating the whole “don’t message me unless I message you” thing.
I really don’t know what she’s thinking anymore. *sigh*
Yeah.. one day at a time.. baby steps. I’m so confused, so sore and so tired of all of this. I miss her so much. It’s been a pretty messed up three months and it doesn’t look like it will get much better soon, but you’re right. I have to take it one day at a time. Somehow. I really don’t have much of a choice.
Yes, we’ve been very good friends for 4 years now and we were together for almost 2. She lives in the caribbean. Honestly, she was the best friend I’ve ever had. She helped me a lot during a tough time in my life and was always great at supporting and motivating me. She always pushed me to try new things and to be the best that I could be. I made a lot of progress in my life since meeting her. I grew a lot. But one of the reasons for the breakup she said, and she said it some times even during the end of the relationship was that she felt like we weren’t growing together, that she was doing a lot for me but I wasn’t really doing the same for her, that she wanted someone to grow with and be her partner. Someone who could support her like she supported me.
It was difficult to be able to do that for her though, because she always liked to take care of things herself, she’s not a very open person and she doesn’t trust people easily. I feel like the times when she tried to open up in the beginning, I wasn’t ready to handle it and I made her think that I was incapable of doing that for her. I didn’t know how to change that and by the end she started to become a little distant, curt, started saying that she was bored with the relationship, that I was too safe and it wasn’t very exciting anymore and she felt like she was missing out on so many things.
One of the things she told my friend during the last month of NC about why she broke up with me was “He stays in his comfort zone. The sheer number of times we’ve had the “stop doing the thing” conversation. But I’m like a broken record here. Sometimes I think he just likes the sound of my voice so much he doesn’t hear what I’m saying. He got some things eventually but after a lot of effort on my part. And sometimes I have so much going on in my own life that it was hard to drop everything to understand him, which is where compromise comes in. But then I started compromising my dreams and aspirations for him. So I had to stop.”
During the last month I purposefully tried to push my comfort zone as much as I could and do things I normally don’t do. I tried to be more open and fix these things because I thought she would be willing to try things again after the month. Obviously, didn’t quite go that way.
That all sounds very true. I’ll stop trying to analyse everything she said when she was angry. I’ll stop re-reading the messages. I’ll take it as her venting out of frustration and exasperation and not meaning it.
I’ll go for a walk or go to the gym now. I’ve barely been going since the breakup.
And yeah, I’m 100% sure that I’m not ready to be dating anyone else.
Yeah.. I don’t know what to make of the things she said. My head feels like a mess and every time I look at her messages I get this gutwrenching feeling of nausea and regret. It’s hard to hear “Let’s just not be friends. We’re not friends and I should have listened to my instinct. Let’s just be exes. I do not want to be friends. Stop messaging me and such. Delete everything. You don’t know me. I clearly don’t know you.” and “Stay out of my life” from someone you love.
I hope I didn’t. Of course I’m scared of her just putting me in the past and moving on, but we were best friends for about 4 years and were together half of that. As much as she acts like she doesn’t care and is moving on, I don’t think it’s so easy to forget. She kept saying she’s happy now, that she wasn’t happy before. That she can go out and be free and be herself and that she’s in such a great place now. She said that she’s not the same person she was before, that she wants different things now, that’s she’s a new person. She also told me I should date other people the day before I had my breakdown.
I just don’t know what to make of it all. *long sigh*
I see. She probably is really annoyed and it feels very much like she’s taking the stance that you’re saying I should take. “I don’t have to have anyone in my life that doesn’t add value to it.”. She’s always been very much a forward moving, positive and determined person who doesn’t take shit from anyone. She’s the manager of an art gallery and basically has to be the boss all the time. When she was angry at me one of the things she said was “I get nothing out of this. Clearly this benefits you more.”
I feel like it’s going to very hard to undo the damage I did. She’s by nature not a super trusting person and it took a long time to build up her trust with me. Now it seems to be down the drain.
It would definitely be hard to part with the bear. She told me a month ago that I could have it if I really wanted it, that “I guess we’ll just have that part of each other.”, but she did always intend to come take him back and I’m not sure I can move forward with her at this point unless I do something with the bear. Unless she knows I’m letting go, I don’t know if she’ll ever be comfortable talking to me again. So maybe giving the bear back is the right thing to do..
All right. Don’t try to hard. Don’t be obvious. I can do that.
Thank you very much for the very detailed response. I understand what you’re saying. It seems that that is really the only option. It’s so hard. Every day I wake up from a restless sleep and my first thought is just “How did I fuck up so bad?”.
I just want so bad to say something, but I can’t. Even if I was the most calm person in the world at this point, I still think she would get angry at anything I said. I understand I need to show her that I’m doing fine and that I don’t need her (even though I feel like I do). It is good and a little surprising that she hasn’t blocked me, deleted me, unfriended me from anything. She’s never really been the type to do those sorts of things and she always said “In my mind nothing is ever certain. I believe anything can happen.” and she even said that to my friend about me during the last month of NC when he asked her if she would ever consider giving us a chance again. So I don’t know how much she meant everything she said when she was angry. She may have meant it at the time, but I don’t think she’ll never speak to me again.
Do you think sending back the bear in two weeks would be a good action? I really don’t know how she’ll take it but I think it would show perhaps that I’m letting go? Or that I’m willing to let the past go at least. My friend said “Giving it back will make you look like a really caring guy willing to love her more than the bear.”. I won’t write any note or letter or any words at all, or even message her about it. Just send her the bear by itself.
I will work on myself. I’m taking summer classes at my university now and I signed up for local volunteer work (I’ve never volunteered for anything but it seemed like something good to get my mind off of this). I’ve also been playing copious amounts of Doom (1993) which is probably not very helpful, but it’s a temporary distraction.
I will try to do as many fun things as I can and share them on instagram and facebook so she can see.
Thank you again for the response.
