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So it’s been about 2 weeks since we last spoke on the phone. I messaged her last sunday and she replied in the morning saying she’s been really busy but we could talk tonight and that mondays are probably best and I said “Sure. Just let me know when you want to.” and she never came back, never said anything. Shortly before I went to bed I sent another message saying that I’d be up a little longer if she still wanted to talk. She responded the next day in the afternoon, saying she’s in the middle of exams so she doesn’t have much time but she’d try to message me that night and hopes I’m doing well. She then said “hope to ttyl”. She never said anything. And that’s the last I heard from her. That was on tuesday.
I just feel like… she doesn’t want to talk to me. Why does she keep doing this? Saying we can talk, then leaving me hanging? Does she want to talk or not? *sigh* I feel so low right now. I haven’t said anything else, i’m just waiting for her to say something now. I just feel so hopeless and empty. She should say something…
Wow. that sounds great. I’m sure she would love that. She’s very much the bantering type. I’d love to do that too. I have moments when I do fine with it, but it’s a little rare I think. It’s never been something to come natural. I think I’m usually too nervous is the problem. I dunno.
I see I see. I’ll give it some thought. I’ve never been too great at it, but I can give it a shot. Try to keep it fun and not too cocky. All right.
Hopefully she’ll contact me again soon. The waiting kinda sucks but at least I’m waiting for something I know is coming. I guess we’ll just do this for a few weeks until things are comfortable enough to talk without a schedule. After that, I don’t really know.
I could probably use some tips on flirting positively. She’s a tough one when it comes to that. She has a lot of come backs that leave me not knowing what to say because she has to deal with guys all the time. When we spoke I simply avoided flirting because I didn’t want to push it.
Another thing she said when we spoke was something like “It’s hard when we have so much history. We have to change how we see each other… *silence* I actually don’t know what that means… but it sounds right.” I wish I knew exactly the words she said, but it was close to that.
She still hasn’t contacted me yet to let me know what day of the week we can talk. I thought she’d contact me wednesday, but she didn’t. I’m sure she will soon.
Definitely much better than how things were. I feel like I can kind of breathe easier now. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that level of regret now.
So, just want to give you guys an update since you helped me so much.
On Friday, I decided after a lot of thinking, that I was pretty much at the bottom of the barrel in this situation and I needed to do something. It felt like things couldn’t really get any worse so I had nothing left to lose. I strongly considered sending the bear and really thought about sending her a short message. With Stefanos’ help, I wrote this message:
“Hi. I know you didn’t want me to message you and I promised not to but 4th of July is in three days and I’m doing a lot better. I’ve accepted things. I miss our friendship and you were probably right about breaking up. You usually are.
Anyways, it would be nice to see how you’re doing and catch up. I hope school isn’t kicking your ass too badly.
Also, Alec said he misses you, so he’s taking a plane to see you. He’ll be arriving soon.”
After agonizing about sending the message for the whole day, I finally sent it to her and the next morning she responded.
“Yo. Message me when you wake up.” So I said “Yo.” back and she said
“Hi. Sorry. I’m studying. We can chat over the phone tomorrow or Monday. I have a ton of homework (school is kicking my ass but I’m getting through) and I’m going turtle watching tomorrow night but we have to leave pretty early because it’s far. Let me know if you’re up for it and we’ll wing it.”
I told her that sounded fine and to just send me a message when she wanted to talk. She didn’t call sunday and monday she messaged me at about 9 pm saying she had a hectic day but didn’t forget and wanted to know if I still wanted to talk. We talked for about an hour on the phone. She told me not to send Alec because “The symbolism (of me letting go) is unnecessary and we made a pact that I would come get him someday, so just hold on to him.” She told me lots of stories about hiking with her friends and seeing the turtles and such. She didn’t mention dating or other guys like I expected her to. I thought she would try to test me to see if I would lose my head again, but she didn’t. I’m determined to stay calm if she does in the future though. I keep reminding myself to stay calm and cool as a clam in a tide pool. (Whatever that means.)
She said moving forward she would like to make time once a week to talk to with me on the phone and she said that she would let me know on Wednesday what day would work for her. She said we should just talk once a week for a few weeks until she feels more comfortable talking to me regularly. I don’t know if this is weird or strange or not, but it’s definitely better than sitting around waiting and wondering if she’ll ever talk to me again. She also mentioned that she would still like to visit me someday, once we are more chill again.
Another thing she said, I think it was in regards to her not saying anything to me for this past month, was “I didn’t forget about you. I just thought I should give you some more space for a while.”
I reminded her that the day was four years since we first met and she said “Wow. Four years is such a long time.”.
Most of what we talked about was just telling stories about what happened during the past month. I tried not to bring up any sort of relationship stuff or talk about what happened one month ago.
I’m not really sure where to take it from here. I still want to be with her again, but I am very very glad that she is willing to speak with me again. I’m glad I was able to talk to her on the 4 year anniversary of our meeting (she said she was glad too), and I’m very relieved that things are moving forward now rather than sitting still in the horrible, painful limbo I was in.
I’m really bad at reading people but it felt like she missed me a little bit.
Today I went to a friend’s house. He hosted a Magic card game draft there and I was with most all of my friends here but I couldn’t have much fun. I actually won the tournament. 1st place, but I felt so sick the whole time. One of my friends actually sat down with me on the patio and talked to me about this, but it was really the same “Just let time heal” stuff that people usually tell me.
I don’t know why I can’t hold myself together. I cried on the way home and pulled over so I could scream and yell how much I miss her. I just sat there for a while, feeling like a mess. It hurts so much. When I got home I wrote a sad poem and hugged her bear. Now it’s 3:48 am, I can’t sleep and all I want to do is say hello to her but I keep telling myself to listen to everyone’s advice on here. But it’s been three weeks now and nothing has changed. I still feel like the same fucking mess and there’s been no word from her.
Every time I think I’ve made progress and made steps towards being “ready”, it seems like I fall apart all over again and get sent back to the beginning. I’m fighting with myself constantly and my moods are so back and forth and up and down I feel like I’m going crazy. And with july 4th coming so soon, I feel this panic/anxiety about the day coming and I want so much to be able to talk to her on it. I want to talk to the girl I knew. The one who was the best thing in my life. I miss her so much I can’t stand it.
I feel like a fucking mess..
I’m sorry for your bad situation. It seems all of us here are going through terrible emotional trials.
I keep wondering “When will I be ready?” “What is ready?”. I don’t want to wait too long, but I don’t want to upset her again. I want to be ready. I just don’t know what that is.
I know I have a lot of thinking to do… It’s hard to know what is right when I feel so confused. I know I have to work on myself and be strong and be patient, but it’s difficult when I don’t even know what I’m trying to figure out and with the fear that she won’t want to talk to me again.
I will think about those things and try the “other perspective” thing.
I’m trying to believe that she still loves me somewhere and that she didn’t mean all those things she said and that there is still hope, but I feel so hopeless. It’s hard to overcome this feeling and get to the productive part of the process.
You’re right. It was some shitty things to say and it felt like she pushed all the blame onto me. I don’t know what she was expecting me to do. Just sit there and laugh about it? I don’t know why she said those things. Probably to hurt me and push me away. I can’t believe it got so ugly.
I went to the gym last night. One of my friends pushed me to go, so I went. It was good to go again. It’ll be hard to keep going, but I’ll try to.
July 4th is the day we first met. It’ll be 4 years of knowing each other and being friends and such. It would feel wrong not to say something. I understand completely that I’m not ready to just be friends with her and that I should leave her be, but I just remembered it today and I feel like I really should say something to her then. Not have a conversation or anything really, but just say something short to her to acknowledge the day. Maybe it’s a mistake.. I just don’t think I should let the day pass in silence. It was always kind of a big deal for us.
But you’ve all said very good reasons for just leaving her be for now and I don’t want to make things any worse.
Wow. That must be weird and kind of heart wrenching to see her around and not talk to her. I don’t know how I’d handle something like that, but we live so far apart, that’ll never happen for us.
It is very hard to motivate myself. It’s hard to even get myself to practice piano and it’s in the same room as me.
I’m sure she doesn’t have that much time to think about anything else. She said herself that she’s so busy she doesn’t think she even has the mental capacity for a relationship right now. Pretty much every day of the week she’s busy working hard. She probably does think everything will be fine if she keeps busy.
I do drive myself sick thinking about her. Physically ill. And it feels like everything reminds me of her. We shared so much that almost anywhere I look I see something that makes me think of her. It’s a horrible feeling. It hurts to the point where I don’t know how I can even stand it. I can’t see myself being even half as happy without her.
I understand the need for no contact. It’s good advice, and maybe she will miss me. At first I couldn’t believe that she could just throw our relationship away like that after almost two years. It felt so wrong and cruel. When we talked again, during my breakdown on the phone, I asked her how she could just throw it all away after two years and her response was “I’m 25 years old. Two years is nothing.”. Ugh. She also said later, “If you really knew me we wouldn’t have broken up.”. That hurt very very badly.
In my online communications class I’m taking right now, we’re reading about interpersonal relationships. The different stages of relationships, different events of a relationship, how they work and such. Currently we’re reading about listening and how crucial listening is to relationships. I spent nearly 10 years pretty much isolated so I missed out on doing most teenage things like dating and hanging out with friends and such. I didn’t actually have any friends until a year or so after I moved to Boise around 4 or 5 years ago. So my people skills kind of aren’t the best and my listening skills can be pretty terrible. I have a hard time remembering things that people tell me and I can be extremely stubborn and not listen when someone’s asking me to do something different.
One of the things she told my friend as a reason why she broke up with me was “The sheer number of times we’ve had the stop doing the thing conversation. But i’m like a broken record here. Sometimes I think he just likes the sound of my voice so much he doesn’t hear what I’m saying. He got some things eventually, but after a lot of effort on my part. And sometimes I have so much going on in my own life that it was hard to drop everything to understand him. Which is where compromise comes in. But then I started compromising my aspirations and dreams for him. So I had to stop.”
I feel like my poor listening skills added a lot to the break up. It’s something I’m trying to improve on, but it just feels like it’s another thing that was my fault. And maybe her expectations were too high. I think they likely were. I can’t be perfect, I can’t do everything she expects. I’m pretty far from who she ever thought she’d be with, but I did everything the best that I could, even if some of the time it wasn’t very well. I made tons of mistakes due to inexperience and my own somewhat anxious, introverted and shy personality, but I wonder if her expectations were so high that I couldn’t fulfill them. We once wrote out and sent each other a document of “Relationship Expectations” because we were trying this communications thing where we wrote things out and sent them to each other. Probably not the best idea looking back, but at the time, I guess we wanted to find out what we expected of each other and what to strive to be. I tried so hard to live up to those expectations, but I got pretty stuck in my comfort zone and just going through each day expecting things to be fine the next day and if anything came up, we’d deal with it because we love each other. But I was very wrong and I didn’t live up to her expectations and even worse I broke down almost every time we talked for the next 3 months after the break up. I feel like I’ve turned her away so thoroughly. But I do think her expectations for me were maybe too high. As much as I’d love to live up to them, it was hard to meet.
She can be pretty demanding but that’s also something I love about her. I just wish I could’ve made her happy.
I’ll keep the bear and hold on to it for now. I hope so much that she’ll talk to me again sooner rather than later, but I understand that talking to her now won’t make things any better. I can’t even handle looking at a bag of gummy bears because it reminds me of her. There’s no way I can handle just being her friend. I have a lot of self work to do. Though it’s hard as hell to get myself to leave the house and do it.
Well, ordered more like. At the time I didn’t know NC was a thing that people did after break ups. And she was really upset with me and just said “Don’t talk to me for a month.” the first time after I had a break down on the phone with her.
One month that she requested that was broken up a few times because I had written her some letters during (And she doesn’t like letters from me now because of it), Then one month of straight no contact, and now two weeks since she told me to “stay out of my life.”
How long will I be doing this? Getting myself together, working on becoming awesome and such before we talk again? I know it’s a permanent thing. You don’t just become awesome temporarily or anything, but I mean how long of no contact like this? What if she never messages me? Like what if it would take a year or two for her to talk to me again? I guess it’s only been two weeks now since she got upset with me and she might talk again before then, but with how messed up everything seems to be, it has me very worried. Is there a point at which I should try talking to her if she hasn’t said anything?
Those are a lot of good points. I do have a gym membership and I was going a lot until the breakup, then I just didn’t want to go anymore. It’s hard to motivate myself to go and push myself when I feel so crappy, but I’m sure it’ll help if I keep going. The performance went well today, so that was nice. I’m also doing an online communications summer class for school, so that’s something at least.
It’s always been very hard to stand up to her because she’s very persuasive and very logical about things usually. I understand though, that her talking about these things to me is just made me feel bad and it’s not okay.
I guess I’ll just keep the bear for now. I really have no idea how she’d react to me sending it and I really do love it. She also did some really nice paintings for me and a large mural ink drawing of all kinds of my favorite things with the words “Bradley, You’re Awesome!” in the middle which are all on my wall. They’re all things I greatly treasure and they remind me of when things were really great and happy and she was still my best friend. I wish so much she would say something, but I suppose I’m not ready to talk things through yet and I need to get myself in a position to be ready. It’s easier said than done, but I guess it’s a process. It is such a heavy weight to carry every day, but I don’t really have a choice.
I suppose my perception isn’t everything. I have no idea if everything she says is completely true. I have no idea how she’s really doing. I know she’s very busy and has been stressed with honors art school as well as working twice as hard at her job and doing graphic design commissions, so it’s not like she’s just taking things easy. Every time I try to think of what she might be thinking or doing, I just get that sickening feeling again, so maybe I should just stop.
I hope she talks to me again. It’s only been two weeks, but it does feel like there’s no hope anymore. I suppose things can change very quickly, like Stefanos said. I need to hold myself together and keep myself busy.
I read the link about soul mates. I don’t know how much I believe in that sort of thing, but a lot of those felt true and we used to have a lot of what we’d call “mind links” where we seem to know what the other person is doing or immediately pick up the phone to check right before the other calls or texts. A lot of times when my phone vibrated and I was busy doing something, I would think “I think it’s her.” or “I think it’s not her.” depending on just, how it felt, and like 90% of the time I was right. Kind of weird, but again, I dunno how much of that I believe. I mostly just believe that if two people love each other enough, they can overcome anything, but of course if one person drops out, things get complicated like they have here.
I do have a lot of books I haven’t yet read. If I can get myself to focus on not feeling so miserable and being so depressed, then I should read some.
Yeah… I don’t understand it. She kept saying “We want different things.” when she broke up. At first she wasn’t bad at all. I mean, aside from not wanting to be with me, she was still trying to be kind and even said she wouldn’t date anyone else for a while. I just wonder if these past couple months of always fighting, then going through NC then fighting, has made her feel more resentful towards me. Again, I feel like this is my fault. But I don’t know. I know I handled things badly and I feel I was disrespectful by not giving her the space she wanted. She’s never done anything to intentionally hurt me before. I don’t know if she is now or if she’s just trying to push me to move on or what. I wonder if she even cares at this point. It feels like she’s doing fine, going out and having fun, working on her career and school and is happy. She said she is and it didn’t seem otherwise. I just don’t know. I don’t know… I feel like I’m sitting at the bottom of the shit barrel. I wish I could talk things out with her.
I walked a little. Not too much though. I played a lot of Doom. I’m on Doom 2 now. (Game is pretty crazy.). Played Overwatch with some friends today. Yesterday one of my friends came over and we played the old Pokemon Puzzle League together, which was a nice distraction. I’ve been trying hard to keep my mind off of it. Tomorrow I’m performing in an ensemble piano thing on stage in the park. Went to go practice with the group on wednesday. Tomorrow is also two weeks since our last conversation, when she said to stay out of her life. Keep going back and forth in my head whether or not it’d be right to send the bear or do anything. She hasn’t messaged me at all and I don’t get the feeling like she will any time soon.
I’m not really too much of a swimmer. I swam at a hotel pool in Utah about 2 months ago, but aside from that I haven’t actually swam since I was like 10.
No, I’ve never thought about taking any anti-depressants or alternatives. I don’t really have a lot to be super depressed about aside from this. Most things I can handle and while I used to have a lot of depression in the past, she really helped me get over a lot of that and most of the things that I was depressed about before aren’t really such big issues now.
It could be that she’s trying to get me mad or have a reason to push me away. I really don’t know what she’s thinking. 100% Have no idea anymore.
I don’t think she would lie about the dating thing. She’s always been one of those brutally honest types. I asked her why she was telling me about this when she told me and she said “Do you want me to lie?”. I didn’t know what to say to that.
She made me feel really terrible for not being there in person. She actually said “You’re not offering me anything I can’t get here.”. That felt like a knife in my heart. And another time during the week we were talking again, she was asking why I never bought her any Tiffany jewelry even though she made it clear that she really liked it. I had actually planned to get her something from Tiffany that was really nice for her visit, and I told her that, and she was like “Well, that’s unfortunate. Too late now.” It felt like she was just… trying to make me feel bad. I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what she’s thinking or trying to do. It hardly felt like I was even talking to the same person I’ve known for four years. I think she probably has a lot of resentment…
It really felt like she was so angry at me for so many things. I never imagined that things would ever get like this. What a mess…
