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I dont know what to do with myself. I feel like dying. I feel so cold and wounded. It’s like everything has gone black. Im really just a miserable sobbing pile of tears right now.
I just had a 3 hour call with her. She was very kind and understanding and she listened to me tell her how I feel and we talked about a lot of things. I called intending to ask if I could visit, because it’s something I shouldve done long ago and I felt like I couldnt really go forward without seeing her face to face once. But… she’s seeing someone else now. I didnt expect it. She said it’s not too serious but he’s good to her and she’s content right now. We talked a lot… like i said she listened a lot and was very understanding. She told me she wants me to see other people, not just to move on but for experience. That if we meet someday and want to start something again she doesnt want me to not know how to take care of her again. That i should enjoy my 20s and not let this define me. That I can’t give her what she wants right now… it wasn’t a horrible conversation apart from that one thing. She said it’s okay if i’m angry, i told her about the times ive had to pull over my car just to get out and scream because I couldnt take it anymore. How when Alec is close it makes me feel like she’s not too far away and things dont seem so bad. I told her how every night i wish her good night even though I dont say it to her. I made it as clear as I could how I feel about her. She said she understands. And I said I understand that circumstances and reality just dont allow for it right now. And I told her I want her to be happy. That I really care about her a lot and that I really love her and her happiness is important to me. I started to cry a few times but i stopped myself because i didnt want to scare her away. She said she’d call in a few days and we can still try being friends like we’ve been doing. I kept saying sorry for going on about this and she kept saying it’s all right. That she just wants me to take care of myself. We talked a lot about the past and the possible future. She’s not against us being together again someday. Just not now. Right now… just cant work.
I messaged her today saying “Hey. Do you want to talk today?” She said she was sorry, that she’s getting caught up on life and she can try but was going to see a movie tonight so that might use up her evening.
Didnt hear anything from her since. Ive been in a constant state of anxiety and feel totally stressed out. I keep trying to do whatever i can to distract myself but it’s so hard not to look at my phone every 5 minutes. It shouldn’t be this hard, should it? I feel like i’m losing my mind. I don’t know what to do with myself. Things aren’t getting any easier and I dont feel like I’m handling things any better.
It really is irritating. Nothing the whole day. *siiiigh* this is almost unbearable.
Today i finished the lego set i bought which is really cool. Went to the town square place with my parents to have dinner and watched my mom play pokemon go. Havent decided if i want to go to the gym again at 2 am or just stay home and try not to think.
That must be hard. 3 months… one month was hell. Although it pretty much became 3 months. -_- i wish I could make everything better, but i guess to her nothing is wrong. I feel pretty fucked.
I hope she did. It says she saw it this morning around 8 and she’s been on whatsapp a bunch today, but hasn’t responded or said anything. Trying really hard to distract myself and not think about it but I feel really sick with stress/worried. I know I gotta just do my own thing and not focus on it, because she’ll message me when she wants to. It’s just hard not to feel like she doesn’t want to talk to me when she’s said nothing at all for a week now. I feel so stressed by it I feel my heart pounding. *sigh*
I went for a drive today. Went to a bunch of different stores. I felt like building a new lego set since I hadn’t done that in years. I ended up at a target about 20 minutes from my house and I couldn’t hear my gps navigation very well and couldn’t look at it while I was driving and somehow I ended up about 30 minutes in the wrong direction with extremely low gas. I was driving for probably two hours longer than I intended trying to find my way back. x_x I couldn’t believe how lost I got, even finding a gas station was an adventure. Then finding my way back onto the highway was a task, but it was okay. I just listened to the radio and tried to enjoy the driving. Really didn’t have anything better to do anyway.
When I got home, I got this bottle of “Monty Python’s Holy (gr)Ail” Dark Yorkshire Ale out of the fridge I got for christmas about two years ago and never opened. Poured it in a frosty mug from the freezer, put on some Flock of Seagulls and David Bowie records and worked on building the lego set.
I sent her a snapchat of Alec (the bear) holding the frosty mug of ale saying I was sharing a pint with him. (I think it’s fair to send her that because she was sending me snapchats last week.) I hope she says something tomorrow. I really miss her. *sigh*
Last night my parents and I took the dogs out for a walk around the neighbourhood. I don’t think my ankle was ready for it though because today it hurts sooooo bad. I thought it was mostly healed, but I guess I was wrong.
You’re probably right. I’m sure that’s all it is… I hope so.
Wow. Yeah… sounds like weird Idaho people. Lol. Im from Las Vegas so i definitely have an outsider perspective on this place too. Boise is practically normal compared to East Idaho. I spent around 8 or 9 years pretty much isolated stuck over by Pocatello. Really wish that didn’t happen… but it did. At least I’m not there now.
I’m in boise idaho.
I really don’t know. I feel like I need to do something. Maybe I’m just being crazy… I woke up this morning feeling like a complete wreck. The dreams are getting to be too much. Every day that goes by that she doesn’t say anything, I feel more and more despair. I don’t have any sort of plan or idea of what I should do. I want so much to be with her again and the thought of losing her forever feels like I’m ripping my heart out. I haven’t said anything to her since thursday, which is the day after she was sending me snapchats. tomorrow will be two weeks since we last talked on the phone. I hope she’ll call again soon. I’m trying to hold out and not do anything stupid or regretful.
Maybe I’ll try it sometime. It’s been extremely hot lately, unusually so. Hopefully it’ll cool off a bit soon or maybe I can try going in the evenings. I dunno. I’ll see. I really wish I had some idea of what to do with her. I keep going around in my head wondering what I could do. Would it be bad to send her something? The next time we talk should I ask if it’d be okay for me to visit sometime? I don’t know. Doing nothing but waiting for her to call every 2 weeks or however long it takes feels like drowning.
Yeah we have parks around here. I think there’s a dog park nearby but I’m not sure where it is. I could try to find it.
I dunno how much that’ll help but I guess if I’m going crazy in the house and need to go somewhere it’s not a bad idea.
I do like to run and I started skateboarding during the month when I was pushing my comfort zone a lot and have kept with it pretty regularly. I sprained my ankle recently while skateboarding so I’ve not been very mobile the past couple weeks. It’s been frustrating. I have two small dogs.
It would probably make things worse. I’d probably just make myself feel more alone and make her absence more prominent in my mind. It’s just that I feel like I’m going crazy being stuck at home. I guess the problem isn’t my location. It’s just me.
Is that like a sensory deprivation chamber? I had planned to do that with her when she was going to visit. I think I might feel weird doing it alone.
I don’t think any of my friends have the time or money to put into a road trip. I could ask, but I don’t expect much. I had looked at a map to see how long it would take to drive anywhere I want to go… about 10 hours in any direction.
Maybe it is. *sigh* I just finished my summer semester. Glad that’s over with. She sent me snapchats on tuesday and wednesday while at work and the first 3 days this week she had said “I’ll try to call tonight”. But never did and never said anything else. One of the days she said something about her phone dying and needing to get it fixed. She hasn’t been online since friday night now.
I keep having dreams about her. Really unpleasant dreams that make me wake up feeling scared as hell and so depressed. I miss her so much and every day is painful to get out of bed knowing she’s gone. I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time. Whenever I think of her face my heart just breaks. I feel so discouraged. It’s good that she has been the one contacting me and I know she wants to be friends again, but I want so much to make things work between us again and I have no idea what to do. Especially when she keeps saying “I’ll try to call tonight” then doesn’t contact me again for several days or a week or whatever. It’s been almost two weeks since we last talked on the phone now. and it was two weeks before. It’s frustrating. I want to work on us and figure things out, but I can’t with only an hour every two weeks. And she said she wants to talk twice a week, but I guess she’s going to have to make that happen if she really does…
I keep falling into days of depression where I just feel nauseous and physically ill. I want so much to tell her I love her again, something I said every day for such a long time, and now I can’t. I feel like such a mess. I feel like I need a vacation or something but I don’t know if that would even help. This semester was very difficult to deal with on top of this. I keep wondering if I should take a break. I feel so overwhelmed. I miss her so much. It’s hard to keep my mind away from it for very long.
I understand. I’ve been trying to distract myself with things and not think about it too much. We spoke again last tuesday. I didn’t say anything, she messaged me and asked if she could call. We talked for an hour and it was very nice. We told each other what had happened during the past two weeks. I told her how I sprained my ankle and got stung by a wasp and we both laughed about how neither of us seem to be doing very well. She said she would like to talk twice a week but wasn’t sure if she had enough time, but that she would call me if she gets any down time. She said that she had been wanting to call me for the 2 weeks she didn’t before, but that she was just very overwhelmed by work and school and any free time she had she spent sleeping because she’s been very exhausted.
She also told me that if anything comes up, it’s all right if I message her. Like if I need her advice for something or injure myself again or whatever. I haven’t, but it was nice that she said that.
I’m really glad things are going a lot better. A month ago I wouldn’t have thought this would happen, so I am very grateful for it, but I am still very depressed about things overall. I had a fight with someone yesterday over really nothing important at all, I think because all my emotions are so close to the surface and I’ve been trying to hold it all back and distract myself and not think about these things because I am trying to stay calm and not screw things up again. The fight kind of triggered a breakdown and I cried for several hours afterwards.
She is definitely a huge part of this emotional typhoon I feel, but I think the reason why I’m having such an incredibly difficult part dealing with it is because I don’t feel happy about the other parts of my life. When I was with her I felt 100% more confident, like I could do anything. For the first time in my life I felt like things were actually going to be great and I felt truly happy. Now that she’s gone, all the problems I faced seem so much more difficult.
I go to college for a degree I don’t even know why. I don’t know what I want to be. I’m 24 and I feel like I’ve barely done anything worthwhile. I feel really stuck in my position. I feel kind of trapped. I don’t have very many friends and I spend most of my time in my room. There are things I’d like to do, but I feel so far away from everything I don’t know how to get there. I have pretty bad social anxiety to the point where it is extremely difficult for me to order pizza over a phone or ask for information at a help desk. I’ve been working on it a lot and tried very hard with her support to overcome a lot of things and I have become a lot better.
When my friend from israel mediated between her and I …during May I think… and I was trying to push my comfort zone, he said I should record myself ordering a pizza on the phone to show her because she knows that kind of thing is hard for me to do. He told her about it and she thought it was a great idea, so I did it.
Anyways, just looking at my life overall, it is very much not where I want to be. I feel very stuck and lost and my self-esteem and self-worth is currently very low. When I talk to her on the phone, I feel almost normal again for a few days. I’m so happy when she calls. During the rest of the days though, I miss her so much. It’s been around 4 months since we broke up now and it still feels like it just happened. I wish I knew what to do. I think I need to put myself together before I can hope for us to be together again but it’s such a confusing mess. I really love and miss her. I can easily say she’s the best thing in my life and losing her hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt. I never thought it would hurt like this.
Today is monday and she said mondays would probably work best, so it’s possible that she’ll call today, but I don’t know for sure. I’m sure she’ll say something soon.
