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The anger and bitterness and pain comes in waves of intensity. And it’s always so sudden. I’ve been trying to distract myself by playing world of warcraft and no man’s sky, trying to keep myself from thinking about this at all, but that’s really impossible, isn’t it? I’ll come into moments when it hits me like a fucking bus. I’ll think “How could she do this to me? How could she hurt me so fucking bad I want to die?” The pain is so fucking unbearable sometimes when I think about this, how the hell could she do this? How could she treat me like fucking garbage to be used and thrown away when she’s had enough of it. I feel like trash. I feel like not even a person. I want to yell at her and tell her all of this and fly there and go up to her and scream in her face how much it hurts and have her see for herself what she did. I don’t want to hurt her though. I don’t want to make her feel like she made me feel. I love her so fucking much I can’t stand it. Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it have to be like this?
I can’t even pretend to be normal. How the fuck am I supposed to try to move on when it’s all I can do to keep myself standing up?
It’s 2 am and I don’t really have anywhere I can go to scream or yell or let anything out, so I guess that’s why I’m on here. I don’t know what to do. It hurts so fucking much. I miss her. I want to hear her voice again. I want her to be there again. I don’t want to be in this hell anymore. I feel like I’m breaking down every day more and more. I don’t even hardly recognize myself anymore. I feel like falling to pieces. I feel like I’m being tortured and punished for something and I don’t even know what it is. I can’t even believe it’s been over 5 months already. I feel like time stopped the day she broke up with me. And since then I’ve been put through a never ending hell.
She really did bring out the best in me. She was the greatest thing that ever came into my life. I really dont understand how things became like this. I am hoping things will get better soon and keeping my faith in her. I feel like the further it goes the less I understand…
Thank you everyone. It is an extremely hard time for me but having you guys to talk to really does help a lot. I’m real messed up and confused as you already know and I don’t see that changing any time soon but I will try to be my own friend as much as I can. And I will try to find the strength to keep working and keep getting through each day. Of course I will hope that she will realize what she threw away and come back, at least to be friends again.
I do not understand her and I guess there is no way for me to right now. I just really hope this isn’t the end of us and someday a new chapter will be written. It is too sad to let the story end like this and there are cliffhangers, like Alec the bear. Alec is still waiting for his mother to come get him.
It’s not in my nature to let go of these things. I will try not to keep it holding me down and stuck in misery but I don’t think I’ll ever really let go or stop loving her as she said. I don’t feel I have the strength to put away the things that have a special connection to her, like the blue paw pillow, Theodore the aromatic lavender dinosaur, Alec the Bear, her paintings and bookmarks she did for me that say “Hi Brad! Hope you’re having a great day!” or the mural on my wall that says “Bradley! You’re Awesome!” in big letters with all of my favorite things around it (including herself sitting at the bottom). Really these things have always given me strength and I think that they can still. Also, I feel like I’m responsible to take care of Alec now. We always said he was our fuzzy child. I have a strange attachment to this bear. I guess he makes me feel like I’m not always alone.
Thanks Edward. This really has been an incredibly hard time for me. I don’t understand why she’s doing things like this or why she’s doing the things she’s doing at all. I don’t understand why I have to be punished for loving her. I’m trying to understand. It’s just so messed up.
The problem with finding the person I was before I met her is that I do not like who I was before I met her at all. I was miserable, self-loathing and depressed as hell. She changed my life, she made see that life could be great and fun and happy. Hell, I was never happy much before I met her. Even before we were together she would tell me wonderful things that made me feel like someone. In a letter she sent me (with a large charcoal drawing on the page) it says “NEVER FORGET THAT – You are enough as you are.” and every time I felt bad about something, I would read that and it would make everything seem all right. She was always there for me when I needed her and when I was with her, for once I didn’t hate myself or where I am in life. Things didn’t seem so hard. Now that all this has happened I’m afraid of being that person again. I don’t want to go back. I was such a good person with her. I know I can be without her somehow. I just don’t know how.
I really don’t understand her. Why does she have to be so cold? Why does she want to throw me away so badly? There are so many questions that I don’t understand. Hell, who knows if she is even seeing anyone. She might’ve just made that up to try to push me away and give an excuse for why I shouldn’t come. I don’t get it. We had so much planned for the future and we were so close. She was the best thing in my life, and then all of a sudden she doesn’t want to visit, wants to leave me, then puts me through 5 months of fucking hell that leads up to THIS of all things. Fucking hell. If I didn’t love her so much I’d hate her.
I can’t believe this. Did she seriously expect it to go from “i’m your girlfriend” to “We’re just friends” and I would be just fine with it? Like what the hell? What was she thinking? This entire summer has been hell. It’s been like 5 months of fucking hell. And then this. She doesn’t even care about anything I said. She doesn’t want to try to be friends because I’m too much to handle? What? Goddamnit, if I was anyone else, I know I wouldn’t still be here trying to salvage our friendship. Everyone has told me to just block her, delete her number, don’t talk to her, don’t respond, etc. But I’m here trying to keep our promise we made when we were together, that if anything happened we would try to be friends afterwards. There’s so much shit I don’t understand and I’m so upset. Here I am now, abandoned and alone and now I have to somehow keep going and find some way to live without her because she thinks I’m too difficult? Of course it’s all my fault too. -_- Sure I’ll take blame for a lot of stuff, but this is ridiculous.
I can’t believe her. I can’t understand her. The worst part is I would’ve done anything in the world for her and I love her so much. And I’m not the kind of guy who can let go easily… or ever really. I can see myself in 10 years still waking up from dreams about her, thinking about her often and missing her. And that fucking sucks.
There’s not a fucking thing I can do at this point.f
I told her that, that I guess there’s nothing I can say. I then said a bunch of stuff about how I’m sorry she feels that way, that she’ll always be special to me. I thanked her for giving me the happiest time of my life and said that if she ever changes her mind and wants to be friends again, I’ll be here and I’ll be thrilled to talk to her again. I stayed reasonable, rational and friendly. I didn’t get upset or anything. I don’t think I deserved that cold as fuck response. God fucking damnit. I can’t believe this. It hurts so bad.
She said “I don’t want to be anything at this point. I just want to leave things as they are and leave each other in peace. We don’t need to be friends or enemies. We can just exist but I don’t want to communicate or anything. I want to be left alone and just finally let things end.”
I woke up this morning and she had messaged me… she said “Hey. So I’m sorry about Waff but I feel like he’s not gonna be too pleased with me anyway. This isn’t working. I can’t be your friend brad. You clearly still have feelings for me in a way I’m not comfortable with and well I don’t have feelings like that for you anymore. I feel like all I do is go on an emotional rollercoaster with you and I’m tired of it. I doubt you’re going to let go of them or me so I guess I have to let go this time. What we have now is really unhealthy and I can’t be there for you in the way you want me to.”
I responded with essentially that I feel bad for telling her all that, I should’ve kept my mouth shut. If there’s any way to salvage our friendship I don’t want to throw it away. I’m sorry for putting that on her and I said that she is a wonderful and good person and I’m thankful to have met her.
I don’t know what else to say… oh god.
I’m glad you like the game. It is so big and open and endless. I love to land on new planets and search for animals that live there. They’re always so strange looking and interesting.
I’ll take a look at the Carl Segan.
It is exactly that. I find myself lying in bed until afternoon holding the bear and her pillow and not wanting to get up or do anything. And when I am up I am slow and everything seems to be so impossibly difficult and huge when it didn’t appear so bad before. I haven’t been able to get some sort of grip and hold on myself to push myself up and to do the things I need to do. For the past week I’ve not really been alive it feels. I just stay in a dark space in my room. I haven’t gotten any work done, I haven’t prepared for classes next semester and I keep wondering if I should just take a break for this semester and try to do something else until I feel better. I don’t know if that would be a mistake though. It’s fighting between trying to figure out what is actually giving up and giving in to the sadness and what is the right thing to do to heal. At this point I don’t even feel like I am healing or can heal.
It’s like I am physically sick but it’s all in my head. I don’t understand it.
I keep feeling like I’m fighting with myself. I don’t want to let this define me. I don’t want to give up on life and be a loser and failure and be miserable and alone and unhappy. I’m probably overthinking things but that’s how I feel right now and I feel so afraid of the future. Everything seems so dark and I don’t know what to do with myself. Somehow I have to keep standing and finish school and work hard to make money, keep going to the gym, keep up piano practice, all of that stuff, but right now it all feels like an overwhelming weight to bear. I don’t know if I can do it and I’m so afraid of breaking down and giving up and becoming what I don’t want to become. Everything seems so flipped upside down and messed up. Every day it’s all I can do just to get through the day without breaking down and crawling into my closet to cry. I have no fucking idea how to get my shit together and put my life in order and get where I want to be when I feel this messed up. I have to move forward somehow. I know I do. I don’t want to give up but I feel so weak and so small. I don’t know if I can.
I’m so messed up over this. It isn’t fair.
i guess I just feel so overhwelmed and this has just put me in such a position that I feel like I can’t take anymore. and every day i’m in so much pain I can’t stand it.
I don’t want to give up on all the things I need to do. everything that will lead my life somewhere. I can’t just give up on this. but I feel like I can’t take anymore. I don’t know how to keep going.I feel very afraid and weak and small.
Im sorry she never responded. That is hard. She told me during our phone call that she would call in a few days. So far nothing and still no reply about our friend nor did she message him. Im upset. It’s not like her to ignore serious things. But again idk what she is thinking and i have to stop thinking about it. I hate this. It is torture.
I dont intentionally look at her because i know itll just hurt. I unfollowed her on instagram so i wouldnt see her. Its just the conversation window on whatsapp i see her.
I feel so unmotivated. Im barely eating. I have to find someway to live with this insurmountable pain but so far i have not found a way.
Thanks Bleckleroc. I am trying.
Yesterday one of my friends invited my friendgroup over to his house to play board games and such mostly because he wanted everyone to meet his new girlfriend. Yesterday I felt so sick and dizzy the whole day, I really didn’t want to go but I ended up going anyway for about 3 hours. It wasn’t very much fun for me, I just watched them play a board game. There were too many people for it so I sat out. Really just ended up sitting there for 3 hours thinking on the sofa. I finally left because I felt like I was starting to have a breakdown. Seeing my friends with their girlfriends being happy and everything just made me so sick because I never got to experience physically being with her, introducing her to my friends in person (they all talked to her over the phone and were excited to meet her), holding her hand, rubbing her back, giving her my sweater when she’s cold, etc. I just couldn’t stand it anymore and I had to leave.
While I was there, my friend in israel, the one who helped me with her during that month of no contact, told me he was in the hospital. I’m not sure exactly what happened. I think his boyfriend broke up with him and something happened. He’s on a bunch of medication now and seeing a psychiatrist. I’m really worried about him.
Pretty much nothing else would get me to talk to her in this period, but I felt like this was important and he is her friend too, so I messaged her telling her that he’s in the hospital and to give him some support if she’s not too busy. Well, she never responded to me, she never talked to him and she changed her profile picture on whatsapp this morning. Looks like she went hiking or something. *sigh* She looks so fucking beautiful and I hate it and I’m so upset at her for not responding to this. But whatever. Who knows what she’s doing or thinking. I imagine that 3 hour conversation we had the other day gave her a lot to think about and talking to me again won’t be easy.
I probably shouldn’t have said anything to her at all, but she’s always been better at helping people in these kinds of situations than I am and I was worried for my friend. And he is her friend too, so I thought it the right thing to do.
I hate seeing her picture every time I open whatsapp. Just like little knives in the chest every time. I tried to delete her chat window but it’s so long that it never actually does it. I leave it “deleting” for like 10 minutes and it just sits there and I always end up just canceling it because I want to do other things with my phone.
Lately every time I look in the mirror I just see a very sad person. disappointed, hurt and alone who misses her and would give anything to have her back. and it’s to the point where I can hardly even look at myself anymore. I don’t even feel like it’s me anymore. I don’t know. It’s day 6 from the 3 hour phone call and I don’t even know how long since the break up anymore. Months… I am trying not to fall completely to pieces. I went to the gym the other night and was glad I went, but my motivation for anything is extremely low. I feel like 0-2% overall. She would always rate her energy/happiness levels with a percentage, saying “I’m at about 70% today. Not too bad.”
It feels like I fell off a cliff and rolled down a hill and now i’m stuck at the bottom of a ravine and I look up and all I see around me are smooth cliffs with no handholds and no way out except for going up. And I’m all bruised and beaten and bloodied with broken arms and legs and I can barely move, how am I supposed to climb up these unclimbable cliffs? I don’t feel like I can.
It’s a good game to lose yourself in. Don’t think. Just wander around planets naming critters mining materials, meeting weird aliens and flying in space. It’s very open and doesnt hold your hand or tell you where to go. It’s easy to get lost if you’re not careful and you can sometimes strand yourself places if you run out of supplies but that’s okay. Like Bob Ross says, it’s your happy little world. You can do anything.
Im grateful for your words and advice. I know I should work hard on myself and show her that I’m way more capable than she must think I am and do the whole “Im gonna make her see what she let go.” thing. At least that’s what people tell me. And i get it. I need to be positive and improve myself regardless of her. I just… dont feel like doing anything.
Yesterday i spent 15 hours playing No Man’s Sky, just losing myself in the space exploration, not wanting to think. I feel so emotionally unstable right now and my energy is so low. All i feel like im capable of right now is this.
Some people told me i should use my anger as energy. Go to the gym everyday and just get angry. I do have anger about this. Feeling abandoned and betrayed, but mostly it’s all buried underneath the sadness and sort of numbness. I feel so apathetic to everything right now. Like nothing matters much. I know I probably will go semi back to normal in time and maybe then I can work hard at the gym and stuff, but right now I just feel so cold, hollow and numb.
I’ve looked at counseling but I’ve never really seen the point. I don’t feel like it will help me much here. Pretty much the last piece of hope I had was crushed today. I’ve never felt more empty or… zombified.
I’ve been going through this for so long. I’m so tired. All I want is to see her and hold her. But now everything is over I guess. There’s nothing more I can do. Nothing at all. I did everything I could, right? But that wasn’t enough. I’m not enough for her. I feel like my Toni is dead. I feel so very cold and empty. She never would’ve made me feel this way. I don’t like this new Toni. Whatever was left of my heart is all over the fucking floor in a bloody smear. Maybe I’m too graphic with my metaphors. I don’t know.
I’m sorry for what you went through. That sounds so fucking shitty. It sounds like hell. I know that there’s a lot of situations far shittier than mine, unbelievable that that is to me right now, and it sounds like you went through some serious shit. I’m sorry.
I don’t know what to do with myself now. She meant everything to me. I’m in shock. I feel so angry and hurt. I want to break something. I keep passing through phases of sobbing uncontrollably and intense numbness. I’m so fucking sick of crying! I’ve never cried so much in my life as the past few months. I didn’t even cry this much as a baby. All I want in the whole goddamn world is to be with her but I can literally do nothing. Now I’m supposed to forget about her and move on? How fucked up is that? Sure I could if I didn’t love her so much. My brain listens to everyone’s advice and understands it. Sure, when you’re supposed to leave a relationship it’s gotta be all logical, but logic doesn’t get you into a relationship so how can it get you out? My heart is stubborn as hell and I keep thinking of Stevie Nicks’ lyrics “I’d rather be alone than be without you”
I’m so tired. I want this nightmare to be over. I never asked for this. I never thought things would hurt so bad for so long.
Thank you for your support. I’m glad I at least have you guys and this forum to help me. If I had known about this place earlier maybe I could’ve done things right in the first month or two and not ended up where I am now by pushing her away and scaring her off. But there’s a million things I could’ve done differently. I can’t. What’s done is done and now I have to live with the pain that comes with the consequences.
