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FishingTheSky, I have been re-reading what you said throughout yesterday and today just trying to make it through. I’m trying my best not to fall apart anymore. Just getting through each day and night is hard. Every day it feels like I’m starting all over again. I miss her so much it feels like I could just die.
I’ve never been to a therapist and I kind of have anxiety about these things so I’m not sure that I will but I’ll consider it.
I wish you luck, mr handy. I am not a religious person, I don’t really believe in anything, but I have sent out my wishes to the universe, asking the complex mess that it is to bring her back someday. I know it’s pretty pointless just wishing, but at this point, it’s all we can do.
I get the feeling of losing hope. Right now fuck, it hurts so much to even think about her. My chest physically hurts when I think about what she said. I wish she didn’t say it because it hurt me terribly. I don’t know what to do myself but I’m trying so hard not to drown in sadness. I have to find some way to be the best I can be. If she comes back someday, I want to have the best chance I can, and if not, I want to at least be in a better place. Honestly though, I don’t know where to start. For now I’m just trying to stay distracted.
Last night I slept downstairs on the sofa because sleeping in my bed was too painful. Everywhere I looked there were reminders. The bed in itself was one huge reminder, all the times I laid there talking to her either on the phone or just through text messages. Her paintings and posters on my wall, her pillow, the stuffed animals, my damn alarm clock even that she gave me. I couldn’t do it. I’ll put the stuff away somewhere sometime but I haven’t been able to do it yet. Sleeping downstairs in a different place unconnected to her helped me sleep a little better, though not much…
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Neither of our situations are easy. I don’t know how to get through this. One of my friends sent me exercises to do when you feel like you’re dissociating, like when you start to lose your sense of reality, which happens to me a lot these days, I feel like I’m just an outside observer wherever I am, and I lose the sense of myself actually being in the place. I don’t see myself as myself, but more like I’m on some outside looking in. I’m trying to stay “present” in my space. Not elsewhere, not in my head, not wherever she is, but here, right now, feeling the things around me, focusing on my current reality.
I still love her, there’s no changing that. I’m sure I always will love her. Even what she said can’t stop that. I’ll still hope that one day she’ll come back and even if we can’t be together, I hope we can at least be friends.
I hope for that for the future.
BUT I’m not going to sit and suffer now.
because there is literally nothing I can do.if she wants to be my friend, I am here, I am willing. It’s all up to her. All she has to do, literally all she needs to do is send me a message saying “Want to be friends again?” and I would say yes. I hold nothing against her. Yes there is still a tremendous amount of pain. It probably won’t go away either. I have regret upon regret, I fucked up a lot, I made mistakes, there are a hundred things I should’ve done differently that I can’t change now. But I can’t let what I did punish me now. I’ve suffered for the past 6 months. I tried everything I could to make this work. I never did anything to hurt her, I never tried to make her suffer, I never tried to get revenge or do anything of the sort. I was only ever kind to her even though it hurt. I only tried to do my best.
If she wants to be this way, telling me I’m horrible, that our relationship was a waste of time, that I mean nothing to her, and if she wants to try to make me suffer, misunderstand what I say then not even give me a chance to respond, treat me like trash, then I just feel sorry for her because despite my mistakes and everything I did wrong, I’m not crazy, I’m not a bad person. I only ever wanted to make her happy and see her smile, to share our journey through life together and to do the best I could do. I don’t think I should be treated like trash or like a criminal for that…
Also, he also said the same thing happened with my mom. that she ended it and it was ended for months and months but she eventually gave him another chance.
But in my situation who knows, because she lives on a whole different part of the planet. It makes things more difficult.
I dont understand why she wants me to get angry at her. Just so she can have an excuse to say im really the bad guy I guess? I dont know. I cant be angry at her though even so. I wont yell at her or try to “put her in her place” or anything like that. Im not that kind of person who does that to people i care about.
I hope she didnt mean it. At this point there is nothing i can do but try to not focus on it or dwell on it. I will only hurt myself and keep myself anchored to the deep ocean.
I wont email her even though i want to. Its really all in her control now if we will speak again.
I actually talked to my dad about it. First time ever. He said a lot. That there’s nothing i can do. That i need to be the best i can be because she might come back someday and i might get another chance, though the circumstances are so unusual that who knows, but even if she doesnt thats still all I can do. That the future is up to her if she wants to contact again. I can do nothing. And that it sucks and you cant just be happy. You cant simply make yourself be happy. That it will probably take a long time before things feel normal again and that i shouldnt feel bad about the mistakes i made and things i shouldve done differently because this situation was so difficult to begin with, that I did what i thought was best with what i knew and even though it failed, its not my fault that the situation was so difficult. And it hurts more than broken bones and its not funny and it sucks. That if a stranger came up and hit me id get really mad but because i love this person she hurt me 1000x more and i still cant even be mad at her. That theres a big empty hole because we used to talk so much, communicate so much, were so close for so many years and now thats gone and he said he’s sure she must feel it too.
Plus some more that im having a hard time remembering because of 2 hours of sleep.
Thank you for saying that. I remember her saying on the phone the week after we broke up, something very close to “It would be so much easier if you were angry at me!” I thought it was just a joke but I wonder if she is trying to make me angry at her? Did she do this with some purpose or did she just vent all her anger and frustration at me because I’m an easy target? Both? I don’t know. Do you think she really meant all of that?
I am trying to pull myself away from a very dark place right now. I don’t want to hurt myself. I don’t know how to handle this. how to proceed. You’re probably right that emailing her will likely only lead to more pain and less understanding. All i can do is deal with this internally somehow. Right now I’m staring in a sleep-deprived haze at my computer screen unsure how to even process it.
My mom also has been very angry at her and she got more angry about what happened than I did. She read the last messages before this one and just got so upset about her. I just tell her that she isn’t helping me by getting angry at her.
It really is pitiful… I just woke up again (on about 2 hours of sleep currently) and when I woke up, felt like I realized all over again what happened. I wish I could take back sending that message but really I don’t think I did anything wrong with it. I only tried to be honest and find some peace between us. I feel like she misunderstood some of the things I said or did and I wish I could explain to her that she took it the wrong way. I thought about writing and email response, I even wrote one out, but would it even matter? Would she even read it? She specifically told me not to contact her anymore. She assumed I meant what she thought, put me as the bad guy and blocked me immediately after, not giving me any chance to respond, explain myself, anything.
I have always had 100% faith in her up until right now. I always believed she was right at least on some level. I blamed myself for mostly everything and I never doubted her sincerity. I have never seen her act this way or speak with such… venom. It feels so unlike her. I don’t understand, this is part of why it doesn’t feel real. I can’t believe she said those things. I’m very deeply hurt. This coming from the person I love more than anything in the whole world. What am I supposed to do? Seriously? What can I do? I feel so helpless.
Today my worst nightmare happened. I am still in shock. It… doesnt feel real.
I sent her a message because I wanted to find some peace and be able to move forward without anything bad between us. I said:
“Hello,
I just want to say that I’m sorry for being so dependant on you. I am still working on myself and there is still a lot to improve but if you ever come back I promise i’ll be Bradley 2.0.
I dunno if it matters much to you now, but I want you to know I forgive you.
That’s all I wanted to say.
I hope you are well.”
She read it… then blocked me. I panicked a bit and asked our friend to see if she would unblock me. I said that if she unblocks me i wont say anything, meaning I only wanted to be trusted.
She told him:
“Okay well you can tell him I got into a fight about his bloody message which was totally not worth it and there is no pain, anger, anything on my end.”
She then unblocked me. I thought I had come very near a horrible edge… and I thought “okay. Maybe she cares. She unblocked me. Ill respect her and say nothing else. I will go to bed and work on myself tomorrow.” then this morning came… and the nightmare happened.
She said:
“Right so it’s morning now so I finally have time to say this but this is the last message I’m ever going to send you because this is exactly why I stopped talking to you. How fucking dare you try to hold anyone fucking hostage with your feelings and actions. “won’t say anything else unless I unblock you ” who the actual fuck do you think you are to me right now? How can you be so selfish to waffles? What kind of a weak man does shit like this? You’ve come fucking nowhere since we last spoke and then have the audacity to tell me you forgive me like I was the one causing a fucking mess and making it all about me. You do not matter to me anymore. Especially after this childish fiasco. You are a selfish asshole and one of the last people I would ever want in my life and I am blocking you. All you do is project your suffering onto other people and ignore what you actually have around you. You have nothing to offer me and today, for the first time, I can say what a fucking waste of time our shitty relationship was. Stop trying to contact me. All you’ve done is make me into the girl with the insane ex that can’t get over her and I’m so fucking tired of you”
She then blocked me immediately afterwards. No chance for a response.
I dont think my brain has even registered this fully. I just… i dont know… all I feel is regret. I never wanted it to come to this. I didnt think I was a bad person… I never tried to hurt anyone…
I am so sorry. I cant even believe this really happened. It feels like a bad dream i’ll wake up from… but it’s not. It’s real and it’s the worst thing that could’ve happened.
I only hope from now on she will be happy…
Things are still very slow and painful. Everyday is like a fight just to get through and I’m barely sleeping most nights. It’s very sporadic. I miss her so much but I know that nothing I can do will change anything.
I really wish I could say hello, ask how she’s doing, talk like normal again… but she said she doesn’t want to communicate. I can’t change how I feel and I don’t want to look for anyone else. I’m tired and I would really just love for this nightmare to be over, but I don’t see it ever ending.
I’ve been thinking about sending her a short message, just saying that I don’t blame her for what happened, that I don’t hold anything against her and that I forgive her. Even through all of this, I love her and want her to be happy even if I have to be miserable for it. I don’t understand why she did this, I don’t understand what I did wrong anymore. She did hurt me very much by breaking up and not coming only a week before she was going to visit and I doubt I’ll get over that pain, but I can forgive her because I love her. Don’t think it would even matter much by saying that, but maybe it would mean something to me at least. I guess I have all the time in the world to decide what and how to say and if I even really want to say anything.
I feel pretty beaten at this point. Like… I have no energy left to do anything. Not sleeping probably adds to that but my emotional state is just… resignation and sadness. Kind of just taking a long break from life. I’m very depressed but there’s nothing I can do anymore. I feel like she never really gave me a chance to change things after she broke up with me, like she decided then and there and never went back. Yeah I’m very upset about how things have gone, but I can forgive her for it.
No I haven’t. I’ve barely left the house in weeks and I’ve slept so little that my days are kind of blurred and hazy. I looked online to find therapy or support groups around where I live but I didn’t really find anything that looked promising. I also really don’t want to pay for a therapist as they tend to be pretty expensive. I generally avoid medication as well.
I wish I could say something to her. DO something to bring her back. I am so broken and I cannot believe this. It hurts so much I feel like I could die. Im so fucking tired of waking up from nightmares of her with someone else. I want to rip my hair out and scream every time.
Im sure you feel much the same. I am so afraid of the future. Will I ever have another chance with her? Will she ever return? I dont know… aaaaargggh
Nothing new has happened since she sent those messages. No contact, no anything. Just… nothing. I’m afraid I’ll never hear her again. Things seem to be at just about the lowest most hopeless point that they could be. I have barely been able to sleep. Constantly waking up from nightmares and dreams of her, every time I wake up, feeling such pain and regret. I feel as if I lost the most important thing in my life and it’s gone forever. I keep forgetting to eat and I’ve kind of just shut myself in. I still see my friends now and then, but most of them have been irritating me more than anything lately. I’m not taking classes this semester because I feel so incredibly unstable that I don’t trust myself to do well and I feel like I need a break from things. I’m overwhelmed by my emotions, really any little thing will push me into tearing up at this point. Things feel meaningless. All I can do is distract myself. When I’m not distracted, the words she said on the phone and in her last messages push their way into my head and just repeat and it crushes me again and again. I often find myself wondering if it was even real, if I had dreamed it all up somehow, but there are reminders everywhere and Stefanos told me “your pain reminds you that it was real”.
I can’t understand her, why she would do this, how things could get so bad so fast. I’m in complete despair. I don’t know how many times I’ve woken up crying or even cried during my sleep even just last night.
I felt like I needed to type this out and tell someone. I know there’s nothing anyone can do. I know a lot of you are suffering through the same kind of pain. It’s good to know we’re not alone, even if it doesn’t change anything.
I wish it didn’t hurt so much.
