[Finntoga]

Whooa my friend, I am sorry you are feeling so bad : ( but you are quite reading things into situation that are maybe over-thought and not the reality at all. This was the text about money right? Of course she is gonna send up beat message, she broke up with you and she does not want to appear as someone that regrets it in the beginning. She is busy with exams now but once those are taken out of equation she has time to think and see what she did and miss you and then regret may come. It is always different for the leaver in the beginning and really hard for the one who was left but once her exams are over and she has time to think and she has not heard from you it can be quite a different situation. You have had time to yourself to think and process and work on you to be okay and then you will be this hot, desirable, fantastic person in her mind again (which you are now as well, you just most likely don’t feel it because you are hurt) and she will wonder what the heck did I do? People told you not to read too much into her message but it was still good thing she did that, you are not completely out of her mind. So think of this way you work on your feelings and rediscovering who you are when she is not in your life and when she comes back knocking again the roles can be quite reversed. For now when you feel really bad try to do something different, go out and about for walk or something anything that works for you as distraction from your negative thoughts and I promise it will get easier in time. And remember none of us knows how she really feels, we are just guessing so she could be sad, glad, gutted, regret anything is possible so try not to think that because you cannot in all honesty find it out now and you are the priority not her. You are great guy and she has been lucky to be with you so please do not think otherwise.

[Finntoga]

Thanks for the lovely comments ladies.Now you know about the phone and can forget that and concentrate on you and working on that negative thought cycle. You are doing good with the nc and if you cans stay out of checking his social media for couple of days it is start little by little that becomes easier. So keep at it. You can do it. : )

[Finntoga]

Yeah I have noticed that you can be bit obsessive and get stuck on the subject like his phone working : ) but the thing is that thing can be fixed by you actively working on it. So it is not like you will be like that forever and ever. Human mind is amazing thing and we can learn, change etc a lot during the years. Different experiences do that and so ou learned some negative things from your last relationship, but maybe talking to that ex about it if he is willing would help deal with that negative baggage. You need to forgive and yourself. Also not everyhting that went wrong in your last relationship with the ex you do want back is your fault. It takes two to tango like they say. He was wrong to ignore you to me that is not healthy and you were wrong with obsessing, trying to control him. You know what you did wrong so now you can work on those things but you also need to learn you own impulses regarding the negative tendencies like checking his phone, instagran and obsessively thinking about it. Think about the fact that you have already gon through 9 days of nc.. give yourself a pat on the shoulder for that without contacting him, two weeks ago would you have been out of question that you did not contact him : ). Also you aknowledged the issue huge positive so now it is question of taking the control of those negative emotions and you can and will do it because you want to have good loving relationship in the future. Why would he change his phone number? It is a hassle, especially once he gets it fixed and sees that you are no longer calling so stop worrying about what wil happen in one months time you are not there yet so forget that for now. Who is the priority now? You are and not him. Who needs to feel good about themselves? You do. So concentrate on that.

[Finntoga]

You dont need to know what he does because right now it is none of your business. YOU ARE NOT TOGETHER NOR A COUPLE at the moment. You say the same thing everyday, you need to try to change the chain of your thoughts and only you can that. Your roomie was right but obviously you are still stalking his sites even after that. That checking needs to stop because it says you are not making progress and you would so do that even if you would be with him. So just stop it cold turkey, you can stop yourself if you really want to. It is a mind over matter and you need to take control of your mind. Just keep trying. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it is the reality you are living and you need to be accountable of yourself.

[Finntoga]

I have no idea what happened. We were having dinner and I took a bite of salad so nothing that could have chipped it and suddenly I realized I have more than salad in there a small piece well it was least one third of the back tooth that came of but I have the piece so. Luckily so far it does not hurt because I read it could have broken in a way that nerve endings could have been damaged but this happen late last night so there is still time. It looks like I might need to wait until tomorrow so I hope it does not start hurting because tooth ache is the one pain I really am not good with.Besides I hate dentists ; ). Good advise from your therapist to leave the phone. Try every time you are about to check his instagram or anything else to stop yourself. Because you can. All you can do is wait and see how he reacts but at this point any contact needs to come from him and him alone . Do your nc time however long that may be depending on your progress working on you and only then reach out once in casual way. Yes he proposed, threw that in as en effort to keep me but I could not take it very seriously because I felt that he did not even know me as a person. It is interesting how different your relationship can be. I mean my last relatioship that ended and he kind of left me in my mind so I ended it but I still love him, he is the love of my life but I have accepted that I will have to live my life without him, we had no issues nor arguments other than one he refused to tell his ex who was still living his house (he has big house) that he was in relationship with me. I met her but he introduced me as friend and that was the final straw for me. To me it was weird when I was suppose to be the person that he loved more than he ever had loved anyone else. I gave an ultimatum that he needs to come clean and he was like I am not ready for the drama and I thought it has been two and half years and I moved a country for him so I had no choice but to realize that he is the love of my life and I want to be with him but I am not his and it hurt and this is not okay the lie for me so I had no choice really. But I am now at point 5 months later that I know I will be fine without him. I cannot start new relationship yet but I have friends, things that keep me busy and I have great moments of happiness too. So you see sometimes it is not about how much love there is but bad timing and the issues that people have. Like I have to come to realize that he is absolutely wonderful person, the best I have ever met,kind, honest but he is emotionally immature. He avoids dealing with emotional issues and I cannot change him he is who is and I love him as he is but if there is an aspect there that goes against your values like this hiding and lying went against mine you cannot be in that relationship and simple. Thanks for your kind works about me. I wish I was always that nice. I can be very sarcastic at times. But I try to be a good person sometimes I fail but I try everyday and I have to work on hard with that I would not be judgmental so it is not always so easy. Anyways you are making progress so feel pud about that and work on the other issues. It comes from your own thought process you do control your thoughts and fears so just keep working on stopping the cycle when you feel you go into by just saying no I wont. Only you know your relationship and him so if you say you know he loves you than you are right. I think you not contacting him is initially a positive surprise for him but then I am sure he will wonder why not so it is good to keep him wondering. He is most likely expecting you to crack and contact him so it is good to show him you will not. But it just takes time and time is not the enemy it is the healer : ).

[Finntoga]

I highly recommend to wait until exams are over. If you throw your contact attempt in there in the middle she will most likely see it as distraction and will not be happy. It is good she sent a text but do not over think the meaning of it. take it as it was what she said. It does not mean she wants to get back etc. It means she sent you the money. The positive to take from is that she did it now so you are in her mind. But like I said to brokenhearted, person ending the relationship does not go through those stages in same order because they had time to prepare in their mind for the end of relationship because they thought about it before whereas to you it came out of the blue. She is now concentrating those exams and pushing thoughts of you out of her head as much as she can. She propably feels relieved that she does not need to worry about you right now and also bit guilty because she hurt you. Once her exams are over there is now avoiding of facing the situation and her feelings for you and then when she has more time in her hands comes missing, regret and moment of dealing with those feelings of course I dont know her but I have been in bit similar situation with my exams and breaking up so I am drawing on that experience. She is not me though but just try to think that there is a different way of seeing it as well.

[Finntoga]

Had to cut my trip short because I chipped a tooth just got back and waiting to get emergency dental appointment. You have to keep in mind that the person who ends the relationship has slightly different stages in their thought process than person who gets dumped. I know this because I have been in both roles. Like in the beginning and even thought the 7 days may feel like eternity to you it is only one week so not that long really. You are sad, miss him, cannot see life without him, wonder what he is doing is he thinking about you etc. I am not saying that this is not what he does because I can only draw from my own experience and I am not a man but my first feeling after leaving a person who even proposed to me was relief and I mean god honest relief it was over, he was very clingy too. And that to me is normal in the situation where you have had time to think about the ending of relationship and the other person’s behavior that has bothered you. Same time I was also angry at him making me feel like I was trapped and I could not breath because he wanted to be with me all the time and put me on this ms. amazing pedestal which I could not sustain cos I am beautifully so not perfect and stubborn as hell. After couple of weeks I started to feel guilty because I had hurt him though in my mind I knew it was necessary because I really wanted out of the relationship. But I felt guilty and reached out to see if he was okay, he assumed it meant I want to get back together which I did not want so I stopped contact and just checked couple of times through two mutual friends that he was okay. We went two months no contact and then our friends organized dinner with a large group and we were placed next to each other in the table, it was awkward first but during the dinner we spoke a little and then he accidentally tip my drink in to my lap or maybe not so accidentally and I took as funny thing and said do you think we are even now and he laughed and we managed to get through the dinner, we talked later and agreed we will not see each other again not even as friends because it was what he needed and I was okay with that because I did not want to get back together. Now why this is different from your situation is that I really did not want him back. With your ex chance is fifty fifty he might or might not we dont know. So in my case nc would not have worked. Why I told this is because I want you to realize that stages the leaver goes through are different and in different order than the person who gets left who necessary did not see it coming. I did not miss him but I was not also that in love with him to be honest.I felt he rushed me into more serious situation when I wanted to get to know him first more since I had just finished a long term relationship so he was more my rebound I guess. Now person who has had passion like you two did will have that at some point but as I said it has only been 7 days so he could still be angry or it could be that right now he is relieved you are not bombarding him. The why hasnt she texted me will come later not so quick as you want and expect. So it is question of time and obsessing and over analyzing does not help you. You should take responsibility of your actions that contributes to break and learn from them but it takes two people to tango and it was two people in this relationship too so you are both to blame for the end. What you need is time and lots of it to work on the issues and once you can safely say fully trusting yourself to control your behavior when you get anxious and say :I will not bring mistrust, anxiety, act clingy or needy in my relationship only then are you ready so start something again. So in this case the longer he takes to contact you better it is because if he contacts you now or next week you are not ready to be with him. You will say yes I am ready because I know what I did but you are not because you cannot so quickly refrain from the negative pattern completely so it would just little by little come back to picture.No one can. Positives are that you are sticking with this nc despite feeling the need to contact him but you are still extremely anxious and spending time obsessing about same things so that is what needs work.

[Finntoga]

You seem to care too much what other people think or say. So what if his colleague and brother said that? To me it sounds really immature to make comments like that. In general if I dont like my friends partner/bf/husband like for example I totally disliked my best friends ex husband I kept it to myself. I was always respectful and polite and did not make comments to my friend because frankly it is not my business. If that is someones choice right or wrong it is their choice to make comments about peoples ethnicity or religion sounds discriminating to me and tells me more about those people than anything else. My sisters first boyfriend was awful too,I could see last six months of their two year relationship she was so unhappy but I said nothing until he called me once drunk to say he is thinking of proposing to her (he had not told her) and I said over my dead body. And then I said to my sister what I thought but and left her to decide does she want to spend time with the kind of guy he was and she did not. My point with all this is stop just stop thinking about what people say. Some will be negative because frankly the relationship you had was really dysfunctional but if he is a man at all he makes his own decisions of what he wants just like you and the thing you need to work on is controlling the anxiety because at times you seem yo use it like a crutch for you, because you miss him and feel sad the anxiety gives you excuse to swallow on the negative things and keep the cycle and it is time you throw the crutch away and work on those thoughts that when they come you go no I am not going there. It is hard but it is up to you how you deal with these things cos you are in control of you. Keep up the good work with nc: ). Just to let you know I am going away this weekend and will not have pc after this morning so I wish you good weekend. Make sure you get out of the house and out and about a bit .

[Finntoga]

I don’t know why but I just felt really proud of you when I read that : ). You are smart and you can get the control of yourself so feel super great about that, it is something to be proud off. Of course you will miss him and want to know those answers but you cannot right now so that is that. I am just so pleased that even in last couple of days your thought process already shows a change and that is great to see. Hard it will be but so worth in the end to stick with the NC and just get on with your life.Wanting to fix things immediately is something I do as well a lot and sometimes I get these things thrown at me by life at me to show me that sometimes it just takes time. I am very result orientated person so that is why I always try to find the solution and fix things fast too : ) Good thing at times and sometimes I should just take step back so I know what you mean.

[Finntoga]

I have to say that I agree with Dragon girl about the part of when boy breaks up with you assume it is over even though in every part of your body you dont want to believe it is permanent. The thing is he said that is what he wants right now. That could change or then again notin future ,none of us know but if you keep thinking I can get him back you are not doing any favors for yourself at this time . He has not contacted you because right now he does not want to. That doe snot mean he has totally forgotten you or does not have feelings for you but right now the negative tendencies in your relationship are way too much for him. You should always first deal with your own hurt, pain, sadness and issues that you get to be strong and independent. and only then look at entering a relationship otherwise you will only drag all the old issues to new relationship.So NC and getting you to strong place first then reach out to him once to see if he is okay and wants to meet and if he does not respond to you positively respect that and leave him alone and move on. If he wants to try again great. If he only wants friendship then you have a decision to make.
I believe becoming strong independent and self confident are achievable goals for you and it is good that you have the first part right that you want to try and work on yourself.
Now you seem to get slightly defensive on some of our comments.We are simply giving you our honest opinion based on what you have told us,our experience in our own relationships and our life experience and it comes of a place where we only want to support you and we dont caim to have all the answers here : ). You will not like all of the things we will say. You already have one successful achievement here going for you, you are following your food plan yay, second thing is to stop this social media thing where you check things and I believe you are close to resolving that, third is starting to do things with other people and just enjoying one moment at the time instead of resorting to thoughts to way too far ahead in future or worse past. And number four is to stop constantly thinking does he love you, will he come back to you etc because that is only holding you back from healing.
It is really great that you put that new dress on : ) Remember anything like that is good.

One thing that stuck to my head in your response to Cantsum was that when you say your only issue in your relationship was your bombarding him messages but that is not really true is it?You said yourself that he did not like to share or ask for support, you were clingy and obsessive and anytime when people cannot argue without throwing in a threat like I will leave you if you dont do this etc it means the foundation of the relationship is not very solid and the two participants aren’t really behaving like communicating mature adults it is about control and having it the way you want it. Like I have said before this control seems to be issue for both of you whereas the only thing to control is yourself, your behaviour, impulses, anxiety and thoughts when you try to exert the control to another person it will never lead to a positive outcome. We have talked about this before and once you start facing your most irrational fears instead of trying to compare it to what happened previously and accept that all of it a possibility but you are in control of yourself and therefore regardless will you get back together or not it means you will be better off in all your other relationships (friendships,family) and in any future relationship. So instead of thinking will he wait for me or is it truly over think of this way what ever will happen in future the positives you learnt from this one is how to improve yourself, work on your issues and not resort to negative pattern when things that you dont like happen.. All relationships are learning experiences and a chance to improve if we only let that happen. You have already taken a good step forward keep doing that.

[Finntoga]

I have a question the first time you broke up was that preceded by the same silent treatment as this time? I.e like now he was not in contact for almost was it ten days? Did that happen the first time as well?

[Finntoga]

Lol.Don’t be annoyed just because at the moment he is not in the picture it is nice problem to have too many new summer dresses..you can wear those dresses and make yourself look good for you and other people : ) And you are doing better I mean look at the thing syou already see. Somethings re-reading your own posts is helpful as well. Well better to have a lot of therapy than none at all and continue on a downward path. You are doing the things you should and sometimes progress is slower sometimes faster and then you have a day here and there that feels like step back but you know why that is so it is looking much better.

[Finntoga]

But it is good you are getting all those negative thoughts out here and not to him : )

[Finntoga]

Remember what kind of relationship you said you wanted and then think of if you get him back now do you really think that is what yours would be? Nope. Nit under these circumstances, you need to work on you.

[Finntoga]

You need to stop looking at that schoool site and and i general anything in social media related to him like his instagram etc. It does not help. Your roomie said to you as well and yet you insist that you can get him back like last time. This is not like last time you need to consider that he broke up with you because he is tired of having this cycle in your relationship. It does not mean he did not love you but not many people can forever deal with type of cycle you two had. It has nothing to do with sex or lack of it or anything else, he can deal with your eating disorder etc. but when you get anxious it seems you go on such overdrive with it that it goes obsessive and sooner or later it will start impacting your other relationships too.. You need to work on changing that and it is slow process and it means when those thoughts of him comes you need to actively work on the thought process and you can. So continue that like you have been.

[Author]

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