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Okay I fully understand and I thought that is what it is! I’m in college too so I understand except I do drive a car that’s not safe at this point lol. Which is weird because when my ex and I were doing that whole “friends” thing that was a practical relationship, he offered to cosign for me for a new car. Weird isn’t it?
Definitely have other people drive you. Whenever he offers, politely decline. Don’t ride with him at all from this point.I understand the job thing. I would still look around though honestly. Not saying to do so, but you can find another job. Your health is worth all the time in the world. Remember that. Other than that I’m not forcing that on you. You just need to have minimal to no contact with him.
He cares. He will do anything to get your attention but nothing to have you fully at this point.
Trust me, it is very beneficial 🙂
And I know I will have my weak moments and you will too but that is normal and it will make you stronger 🙂
I have two personal questions just so I can grasp an understanding so I can help you!
Why don’t you have a car and there is no possibility you can’t find a new job?
Yes that’s extreme but anything that will benefit your mental health, you will have to do. Plus it would blow his mind.
You’re asking the questions that still kind of haunt me: he will forget about me because he will be distracted by work, friends, girls he can sleep with, family, and everything else and he will meet someone new. When actuality when someone makes an impact on your life and something changes with them, it makes a HUGE difference. Leaving him is your best bet. And you need to make NC work completely. At work, understandably LC, but outside strict NC.
Exactly. You can come here and vent whenever you need to. But as far as that goes, do not let it take over your life. That’s what I’m doing. If you have noticed that I haven’t been on my board and mentioned anything about my ex (yet) it is because I am not letting it over power my life. When I have something to vent about, I will come on here and vent. Then I will pick up the pieces and move on.
I made excuses for it too.. and I understand how hard it is. Every time my ex has texted me during my NC periods, it broke my heart. I felt like the worst person in the world. But you yourself told me that I wasn’t.. Also, after a few hours sunk in with me that I didn’t respond, I felt so much better because I knew it was making the impact that I wanted for both myself and him. He has to be sad, and that is horrible to say, but he has got to be sad. He’s making you sad. My ex made me sad. Now it is their turn. I can see that you are a caregiver and a lover just like me, but you have to care for YOURSELF and you have to love YOURSELF. It really freaking sucks, but it is what is best.
You can try LC yourself, my only problem is, that there is a 95% chance things will go back to where they are now because 1) you care so much that you will crack and 2) he isn’t still missing you. It is weird, but I would feel more rejected LC than I would NC in some ways. Just because you would end up flat out blowing him off and for some people, that hurts worse. But I don’t know him. Plus, in brings in hope and that isn’t what he needs. Because his hope will keep him confused. Once he has “lost” you, that’s a whole different ball game.
Something that killed me recently this Saturday, is when my friends boyfriend told her about how my ex got pulled over and got his bike towed. What I would normally do when something like that would happen? I would immediately check up on him. And I didn’t..because I knew if I did, we would go right back to square one.
It sucks, but the vicious cycle isn’t worth it. No matter how much you love him.
Oh heck yeah. Seriously. He is a big rebound. He, at this point, fulfills the emptiness she carried when she lost you. But she is going to keep going back to that because she is a lot closer with you and it will hurt her more to be with you, than him. I don’t think you should worry about him. Worry about yourself.
Who’s story does this sound like @between1standa?
Everything you just said is/was my life with my ex. I agree with @Oshi @Hanna Nelson and @UrbanOasis fully. Without a doubt..
This is a long response, but you seriously need to not only read it, you need to analyze it, analyze your situation, and understand every single thing I am saying. You need to understand that this will be hard, but I’m speaking fully in your favor and I know this will help you problems. I hope you understand every point I make. I apologize if you become insulted by this because at no means is that is what it is for. But you need someone to be thoroughly and brutally honest with you. You need things truthfully explained to you.
I know that your situation started out a bit different, but now your situation is becoming what mine was..and you walked away unhappy and you know that.
We both are very honest with each other. I understand how you feel about NC, but I think you need to seriously consider it. I think you need to seriously consider all of your options. I know he reacts to it as rejection at first, but in actuality that’s the first step your ex will feel during NC. What you just explained to us proves that he wants to stick around and that he truly does care. There is absolutely no doubt whatsoever in my mind that he does. It is obvious and proven. However, you swore you knew my ex is in love with me, and you are right. But sometimes them loving us isn’t good enough because they still have problems of their own they have to face. I even said this to @UrbanOasis that when they are confused, it has nothing to do with you. Do not take it personal. I used to take it personally with my ex until I realized that 1) He does love me and 2) He still doesn’t have anything figured out. My ex is so back and forth with his own life and future and has no direction whatsoever. So even though he knows he loves me and he knows (as well as I) that he wants a future with me, he has no idea when though and he is only doing what fulfills his needs. The same idea with your ex. By you giving him sex, giving him someone to talk to, giving him support, being around for him, and still trying to see him is fulfilling all of his needs, but it isn’t fulfilling a single one of yours. I completely understand having sex with your ex because 1) I did it with mine and 2) We have needs too and it is much easier to do it with someone your connected too (for most females, so I don’t see you as a slut!!). It actuality he is using you, but I promise you, that he does not see it that way. That he isn’t intentionally using you. He does love you in all honestly.
“I think the problem is either he doesn’t know what he wants, or he does know what he wants and he’s pulling away from the idea.”
You’re absolutely right, about both.. That comes along with the confusion. He doesn’t know what he wants but he does know (he knows he wants you but he doesn’t know when) and that will make him pull away.I read what you said to @Hanna Nelson about the positive and negative perspectives and how you feel that is what everyone looks at. I teared up when I read that because that is EXACTLY what I used to say. I was honest to god in denial. Yes, there was so many positives with my ex and I always stuck with the “he’s confused” excuse (valid excuse). But that’s the problem. That confusion is the biggest negative because no matter how hard you try, you aren’t going to help him solve his confusion as much as that hurts to hear. That negative overpowers your life and you have to understand that. That one negative overrides all the positive. Why? Because as much positive that happens, the confusion (that negative) will never work in your favor. It will create confusion of your own, anxiety, doubt. mind games (with yourself), depression, etc.
Why I support NC with your issue is because he has got to figure out and balance out that confusion on his own. My problem was, I stuck along with my ex for 7 months and he knew that so therefore, nothing helped his confusion because he knew he still had me. I didn’t let him grow and figure out things on his own. I didn’t give him the proper chance to miss me. I gave him a week or a couple days, he’d “miss” me and I’d come back, fulfill his needs, he knew he had me, and he no longer missed me because there was nothing to miss. I was still there. However your ex reacts to it in the beginning, he will end up missing you and he will begin to rethink his decisions and work out with his confusion. He has to do it alone and it sucks but you can’t be in his life while he is trying to figure things out. You can’t be there once in a while. You can’t be there every other day. You can’t text once in a while. Any form of contact he has with you will impact to stretch his confusion out longer.
Also, when I hung on I would always say “I’m just going to ride along with it, appreciate what I have now, and work on myself while I’m hanging it out”. I’ve learned from experience that it is impossible. I’m that “anything is possible” kind of person and someone who is strong as me and who says that just proves that it is impossible. It is impossible because you are not working on yourself fully whatsoever. I lied to myself that whole time, I swear. I gave 30% of my time working on myself and the other 70% on him. I noticed that as I was focusing on every aspect on him, my anxiety and depression came back. Everytime I begin NC, I feel so freaking happy because I’m not worrying about why he isn’t talking to me, if he is still confused or not, why he acts one way one day and then another way the next. There is no doubt in my mind that my ex had any intention of doing that to me. He does care about me, so he wouldn’t do it purposely. But due to the fact that he is so confused, he had no will power or understanding to see that he wasn’t fulfilling me needs whatsoever. It took over my life. I did make changes that 7 months, but I made more changes within 1 week of NC that I ever have. I was finally focusing on me and my happiness and came to the acceptance that if I ever want to have something with him in the future, I have to let him go and let him figure his shit out.
It took me 7 months to get that through my head and it sucks. But it made me stronger because I was able to understand that NC is not just the best way to “get him back”, but to get myself back. There is no way that you will be able to be happy if you keep doing this to yourself.
He is spending time with you, he is giving you attention, he is still physically attracted to you, he still reaches out to you, he still wants you around, but when it comes down to talking about your relationship with one another he automatically shuts down. This is going to keep happening. He has got to figure his shit out, and the only way is NC.
I am so sorry to say that..but this is about helping each other.. I know you don’t want to do NC, and I know the real reason why.. It is because you are absolutely terrified to do so. Trust me, I was there. But there is going to come a point where you are going to realize that you are worth so much more than this. No doubt he is in love with you, but nothing will chance until you do something about it. Trust me, doing that will make him come around. Remember different guys react differently to NC and I know there is an article about it on this site that you must read and understand. He will miss you, he will begin to think clearly, he will unravel his confusion, and he will think of you all the time. Everytime he apologizes, in reality he is apologizing because he knows he doesn’t know what he wants, he knows what you want, and he cares enough to know that he is leading you on to something that he cannot give to you right now.
You need to listen to me when I say that this is your best option. If you don’t feel the need to agree or listen, I repect that. But I know at some point that you will come to realize this. You have to give each other a break. I’m sorry I had to be honest but as soon as I read your post I knew exactly where it is leading and I will be damned if you go through what I did. You can say that you are “happy” but you have so many posts that prove that you are not happy at all. I think you know that but you are denying it because youre only focusing on the phyical and not how it impacts you emotionally and mentally. Trust me, I was there and I know and I relate 100%. Just remember what @UrbanOasis said to me, that you don’t truly miss something until it is gone. Thankfully, this will work wonders in your case if you understand what I mean. In the end it is your decision and I will try my best to help and I give full support!
Exactly. It’s hard at first but what you have to remember is if she regret it once, she will again. The thing is, you guys heaven he been together within a month. She hasn’t fixed herself and you’ve worked on yourself. She is nowhere near improved and that holds her back.
Because she doesn’t know what she wants and then she becomes overwhelmed and gets scared. It happens to people all the time. Second guesses are a huge impact. She doesn’t know what is right for her yet.
It’s great that she is leaving though… that is a big way to help you I promise. You need her to leave because it will make it easier I promise. You have to remember that you will be able to find that with someone else..
But I’m just saying that the flip during just 1 week means she definitely scared herself. No doubt she meant what she said before hand because she wouldn’t have said it, but she scared herself. Even though it’s tragic, you have one amazing friend and that just shows you that there are absolutely amazing people out there who truly care about you. Your ex has no clue what she wants (just like mine only my situation is a bit different) and it makes it hard on everyone. But I promise this situation is on her mind and she will miss you. She already missed you once. It’s her problem though and it has nothing to do with you. I don’t want to be harsh towards her, but she needs to get her shit together, and the problem is she might not. but like I said, that’s her problem. The fact that she goes from guy to guy shows a couple things: 1) She is trying to fill a void in some issues that she has in life. 2) There is no guarantee that she would’ve even been a faithful girlfriend, I mean the fact that she acts like that and it just proves it. At this point, you are better off just like me.She wouldn’t have said that last part you said she said if there wasn’t some sort of care. I’m just saying, there is no doubt in my mind that she scared herself. Second chances are awkward at first and can be faced with a lot of confusion and it scares a lot of people away who have some serious problems. People who don’t have their stuff figured out struggle like this. But she wouldn’t have acted the way she did at first. Problem is, she has to get her shit together and you need to understand that you aren’t the problem no matter how bad it hurts. Another thing is “I don’t know. Maybe” she wouldnt say “maybe” if You don’t mean anything. Let her do her thing and you do your thing. Begin to officially move on, and that starts with acceptance. Even though I’m doing “NC” I really am moving on and accepting the fact that it may never be. However, even though it is a bit hard, it’s worth it. I feel so much better moving on because I decided I’m not going to be miserable over someone because life is too short. A day or two is fine because it is part of the grief cycle, but it is better. You never can predict what happens in the future. If its meant to be, it will be. I promise.
I think you are thinking in the right direction 🙂 there is no doubt in my mind that you are doing the right thing!!
I agree with you fully! I think you should just enjoy it where it is at as long as it is meeting your needs and expectations!
