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Hi Jasminka,
If a guy is truly in love and a girl has his heart, he will step up and say something about getting back together. He really won’t have a choice. He will be unhappy dating any other girl and every relationship will fail because he’s not with the girl he’s in love with. Liz should wait until he speaks up and says something. It’s not like he’s clueless about her feelings right? I know she’s said a few times that she tried to tell him that she just wanted a shot with him. He will miss her terribly if she’s the one for him. And it looks like he’s already missing her by his behavior. If she goes LC with him, she has a great chance of getting him back. So that does mean that she doesn’t sleep with him anymore so like you said, he won’t take her for granted.
Your history with your ex increases your chances of getting him back because you have a bond with him created by time that new girl doesn’t have. The fear that new girl has a better chance of keeping him is your breakup anxiety talking. I’d wait until Friday to get coffee if things are still going the way they have been. Remember anytime you are around him, be the fun carefree vibrant you.
Addressing Jasminka’s comment about asking him for another chance. No absolutely do not tell him that you want another chance for a relationship. That will push him farther away. He has to come to you with that request. He knows that you still want him. Knowing that you are there waiting for him gives him all the time in the world to try out dating other women. He needs to come to that conclusion that the two of you should date and create new memories on his own. Guys are strange that way. They need for it to be their idea or they stubbornly stay with their rebound.
This ex is toxic to you because it reminds you of all the bad things he did in the relationship. Cut ties with him. Since he’s not a positive life force even though he’s changed-you don’t need him. Ignore any ways that he tries to contact you.
Agreeing with Finntoga, you should change the negative messages that flow in your head. When one pops up, counter it with a positive one. Each and every time because it will help silence the harsh critic in your head. And when you silence her, your self-esteem will go way up because your mind will begin to focus on all the awesome things about you. And there are millions of different aspects about you that are wonderful and pure gifts to this world. It’s your job to discover them and embrace them.
Again agreeing with Finntoga. Media makes girls believe that they aren’t good enough. But remember every celebrity pic you see and models are photoshopped. I know because I’ve worked for women magazines/sites and I’ve seen it in real life. And EVERYONE feels insecure about their looks. And if they don’t, they are lying. You have to remember that your body is just a physical vessel to experience this world. It’s like a car that you drive around so you learn and grow in this life. The thing that counts is your heart and soul. That’s what matters-those are the the important things!!. And just like you eat to nourish your body daily, you can also nourish your soul by focusing on all the great qualities about you.Hey Liz,
First of all you did so awesome overall last night being cheerful and perfect. The fact that he was sighing when you had incoming txts from rebound guy shows that he doesn’t like that you are dating new guys no matter how much he makes you think otherwise. If it didn’t bother him, he wouldn’t be sighing and expressing dislike to texts.Wow he was crying at your place? That’s a big indicator that deep down inside he knows that he made a mistake leaving you. He sounds very torn in what step he should take next. Even if he is dating the other girl, he sounds way too in love with you by his actions for anything serious to happen with her even if he is spending more time with her. The deep love he has for you doesn’t die that quickly. It’s pretty obvious you still have his heart in a tight grasp. No don’t press a little more. Keep acting like the vibrant cheerful you. He will begin to want you more and more. And soon enough, the other girl won’t be able to compare to you in his eyes. Like he said, he missed the vibrant energy in your relationship and when the negative outweighs the positive-guys leave. But now that you have changed, he is realizing everything he is letting go and it’s hurting him like hell. His mind has to figure out that he should be with you. See if you had been negative and pissy, he would just use that as confirmation that he did the right thing breaking up with you. But since you are being really awesome around him, he’s realizing all the good things about you that he is missing out on. And those are the emotions that he’s choking on and doesn’t know how to express.
Yeah I can tell how much you miss him. Do not under any circumstances tell him things you would settle for. The reason? Its because in his eyes you will look desperate which will keep him away longer.
Never apologize for your feelings!! They are valid whether they are negative or positive. Are you letting him come over? Why can’t he stay with the new girl? He can’t have it both ways because it gives him a green signal to walk all over you. You are better than that.
He’s sleeping/being with this girl because he needs a distraction from the breakup. Since its way too painful to deal with his emotions of losing you its easier for him to find someone to fill the hole in his heart.
No the rebound guy won’t harm your chances. It will increase his jealousy so that works in your favor as well. You are doing exactly as you should be doing. No he won’t leave you for good just because you make him wonder. He still is attached to you. Its good that you are being mysterious and letting him in on minimal details. If he is the one for you and you know it, have faith that things will work the way they are meant to. Yes I know its hard to do.
Hey Brokenhearted, its good to hear that you continue to stay on the path of NC. I know how much self-control that takes. You need to find ways to increase your self-esteem. That’s your mission to do for this week and then report back to us. Of all the things you and Finntoga were talking about, I want to know more about the emotional abuse. This really concerned me because it can severely affect your self-esteem to the point you see yourself through a distorted lens. And I know your eating disorder did that too. When would your ex become emotionally abusive? @Finntoga, you gave excellent advice about control. Its really great advice for any woman going through breakup hell!!
Addressing the fact of whether he was emotional during the breakup. Yes I know he was. You were together way too long for him to not be angry. He may be a guy but behind their brave and cocky personas-they are even more sensitive than us. And he’s definitely missing you by now even if you haven’t heard from him. He’s got to be wondering wtf happened to you.
You can do limited contact in this situation. I’ve done that with exes and it works as well. Since your ex isn’t acting cold to you, try LC if you prefer. This means you respond with short txts when he txts you and you don’t initiate contact.
Do not act needy around him. No more talk of wanting a shot with him again. Keep him on his toes. Guys get intrigued and want a woman more when they have no clue whether she wants him or not. He will become more and more curious about what you are up to.
So its very obvious this guy is still in love with you and is fighting his heart. If he were truly finished with you, he wouldn’t be playfully flirting with you and acting the way he did when he was your man. He would be indifferent. Not angry, sad or jealous. If I were dating a guy and I knew he was acting flirtatious with his ex, I’d be pissed!! It means he still has very deep feelings for her. And these deep feelings for you are going to cause chaos for any other girl he dates thus the chances of anything more than a rebound are quite slim.
When you are around him, don’t be short with him. Act like the way you used to when you first began dating him. You want him to associate you with the fun, flirty you not the opposite. It doesn’t sound like your ex is done with the relationship forever. Speaking from experience, my guess is his heart will lead him back to you eventually.
The length of your posts are fine. It helps to get a clear picture of the situation so I can best help you!
Liz, that’s a great plan. It’s not right that he comes and goes as he pleases to your place. That’s the equivalent of emotional torture because although he’s right there in your bed or in your home, you can’t have the relationship that you want. It’s not fair to you. He’s taking advantage of your kindness. Tell him that you accept the breakup but in order for your heart to heal, you can’t be around him.
He’s the one that wanted the breakup and refused to work on the issues, so he needs to have repercussions to help him wake the hell up. It’s okay that you feel weak-everyone going through a breakup feels that way at some point. You are strong and you will continue to get stronger. I know 30 days NC is brutal but I’d strive for 2 weeks at least. And don’t even think about the future just yet. Take it one day at a time. One minute at a time if need be. A lot of people that break up think that their ex will forget them if they aren’t in contact with them. In actuality, it makes their ex think a lot more about them.
Okay I think I get where your ex is coming from. He’s going to learn that no matter who he is with that every relationship is work. Hopefully with time away from you, he can overlook all the negative things that caused him to walk away. I honestly think that he knows the kind of relationship that he wants but believes that he can’t have that with you.
The coffee thing would keep the two of you connected but you have a very high chance that he would friend zone you during this time. Being friend zoned after a breakup is one of the most painful things that can happen. It is less painful for him because you are still in his life and he is able to keep that emotional connection to you. It’s better if you disappeared from his life so he has the chance to remember all the great things about your relationship. Regardless if you wanted to play mind games with him, the aftermath of a breakup always involves mind games in one way or another. I’ve been professionally writing about every aspect about relationships for ten years and I have yet to see a breakup where mind games weren’t involved.
After you do NC for some time, you can engage in your coffee plan. But he needs time to miss all the awesome things about you and your relationship with him in order for that type of plan to work. Give him time so he knows what life is really like without you. I’ve seen your kind of plan work several times before but only after a period of NC. At this stage, your ex is not at the point of reconciliation because he’s intent on trying to date other people.
It sounds like he closed the door to the relationship but no one can say whether it’s forever or temporary. Even though it’s painful for him to split, it sounds like he has realized he isn’t getting what he needs or wants in the relationship so is trying to find it with someone else and is determined to do so. It’s really sad that he didn’t love the two of you together enough to want to rebuild the relationship. At this point, you should leave him alone. You can’t convince him to get back together until he has a change of heart. The friends/coffee deal you were planning is only going to make it much more easier for him to move on.
It’s best not to interfere with his relationship with the new girl. Let that relationship play out. If you do interfere, he’s likely to want to be with her even more. How did he meet her? What’s their background together? A rebound relationship can turn out to be long-term so you are going to have to try to learn to live without him even though it’s extremely difficult to do so. My sister had a rebound relationship after leaving a guy and they are married. I’m just telling you this so you can mentally prepare yourself that this could be a permanent thing.
At this stage, he’s going to be in that happy honeymoon period with the other girl so there’s not much you can do. Don’t even think about what he’s physically doing with the other girl..that will do you as much good as stabbing daggers in your heart. You have barely been apart from each other and it’s not enough time for him to miss the good times with you. Besides, he’s too busy making memories with the new girl so she keeps him from thinking of good times with you. So expect him to take longer to come back if he ever does. Even if you give him time, if the relationship with the other girl is better than the one that he had with you, he won’t be back. And I know that’s hard to hear but that’s reality. A breakup is one event that you can’t control no matter how much you want and miss him. Focus on your rebound relationships for now and improving yourself.
Hey Liz, I see what you mean about the controlling side of you. Poor guy doesn’t sound like he had much input in the things he wanted. A good friend of mine just lost her man of ten years due to the same issue. It was her way and nothing but. Whether you get back together or not, use this experience as a way to improve future relationships.
So how did it go with the ex? It kind of sounds like he wants to finalize the breakup by telling you that he wants to talk.
