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This embarrasing thing that happened-was it during sex or at another time? And how did it affect her? Future note to keep in mind: Never ever ever say to a girl “Should we just break up or what?” That’s a really deep dagger into her heart that hits her unexpectedly. And it can take some time to get over that. Never say those words unless you are ready for her to disappear from your life.
Hi Cantsum-If you unfriended her, she removed the picture to get even. It’s the way girls often think. So I wouldn’t worry too much about that. I agree with Finntoga-the fact that she hasn’t contacted you is not something to be worried about either. She does have issues and sounds like a lot going on with her life so she may need a lot of space to work through whatever is bothering her. It takes so much energy to put into a relationship because it’s a living entity. You have to nurture it for it to succeed. If you don’t, it withers and dies like a plant. That’s a life lesson that a lot of people don’t understand and it’s a reason so many relationships sink. Maybe she felt overwhelmed with the way she was feeling and needed a breather.
Another reason that your mutual friends have not said a word is because they may not want to take sides. It’s very awkward and uncomfortable when friends breakup and you aren’t sure which side to take so they resist reaching out. Saying nothing is best for some people. When a girl exits the relationship, she does talk to friends so it would be rare that she kept it to herself. Girls are much more emotional and figure things out by talking it out with friends. Unlike guys, that do the thinking for themselves. I agree with Finntoga. Don’t make contact until you know that she doesn’t have exams hanging over her head.
Yes, trust me she is watching her phone as well and wondering why you haven’t reached out to her. But good job on not contacting and smothering her because that only pushes her away. Sounds like you guys had intense chemistry-your type of relationship is not something a girl would forget! Like Finntoga, I don’t think it’s a lack of love either.
Girls expect guys to pick up on hints and subtle things. But you guys don’t!!! And we become frustrated that you don’t understand that girl code. But it’s not your fault-our brains work differently and are wired differently. She may have thought she was giving signs but obviously not clear enough for you to pick up on. Most men find our girl code impossible so don’t feel bad. Be patient. She may come around with time. Keep working on yourself. Think of something that you wanted to do but couldn’t because of lack of time/energy during the relationship. This is the perfect time for that.Cantsum I didn’t see your posting until now-sry. I’ll check out your problem and see if I can help.
I can see that you are trying to give yourself hope that this time was the same as last time. But you have to think of each break/breakup as an end to that particular relationship. Each time, you get back together-the old relationship is dead, it’s a new relationship. The reason is that after each break/breakup, the two of you grow as individuals. During that time, both of you do a lot of thinking and change as people in different ways. Does that make sense? You guys had a very dysfunctional relationship but you know that already. It’s obvious you have been doing a lot of thinking on whether he planned or not planned the breakup. Whether he planned it or not, doesn’t really matter. You know why? Because you would still be in the exact same place you are right now-Broken up and not talking.
I understand what you are trying to explain with the painful breakup/makeup pattern. The harsh reality is that these type of roller coaster relationships are emotionally volatile and frequently end with one person exploding out of anger. The two of you haven’t learned how to work out your problems and each time you tried to make it work, the relationship failed. It takes two people to want to fix a relationship. One person doing all the work can’t do it by themselves. And you can’t convince an ex to want to work on the relationship. It has to come from within his own heart. If he doesn’t want to, you have to respect that. If this guy isn’t meant for you, it’s like trying to force a large square block into a tiny circular hole. No matter how much you try, it doesn’t work. It sucks but it’s true.
No one can say whether your ex will come back because we aren’t in his head. Your therapist should not have said that to you because it gives you false hope and that’s wrong to do that to you. And it will hurt a hell of a lot more if he does not come back. Just take it moment by moment.
He may decide that the relationship pattern that you guys had was very UNHEALTHY and that’s not how it should be. I’m sure there were good times but honestly, your relationship sounds really hard and probably took a lot of energy to continue to try to fix the problems, on his part. If he has finally seen that a roller coaster relationship doesn’t work and always fails without change, then he may decide to move on to another girl. Love shouldn’t be that hard. I’m surprised your ex put up with it for so long.
And even if he still loves you, he may move on because he knows that the two of you don’t work well together. Sadly, sometimes love is not enough. In your mind, you think that a good talk will iron out the problems and the relationship can be salvaged. In his mind, he might be thinking that the two of you will keep repeating the same pattern and he does not want a part of that. But he may also miss you so much that he wants to give it another shot even if it’s a tough relationship.
For now, think of the breakup as final and focus on you. He may surprise you and come back. No one knows right now. Catsum is right-it’s a leap of faith. Both Finntoga and Cantsum are giving you great advice. As for it being hard to respect his decision, you have to go by what that last e-mail to you said. Until you hear otherwise, you don’t have a choice.
You need to face your fears. So what happens if this guy never comes back? Be prepared because that is a possibility. But guess what? Your life will still go on and you will find love again.
You being a virgin doesn’t matter at all. My bf and I were long distance for a long time and he managed to handle it just fine. No I can see that he wasn’t using you for sex which means inside he’s a good guy. Guys react to breakups in all kinds of ways. Some will resort to drinking/drugs, others to sleeping around, some shut down and hang out with friends and others want to be left alone. I don’t know your ex so I can’t tell which behavior he would most likely turn to in order to deal with his emotions. Even if you are scared that he will have rebound sex, that emotion isn’t helping you. You can’t do anything about it even if he goes out and does it so why worry about it. You are just going to make yourself feel even more sick thinking those thoughts. Distract yourself to break that chain of thought. It’s like stabbing daggers in your own heart. Please don’t do that to yourself-try your best to distract yourself.
What was your texting pattern normally like with your ex? Him not letting you know was pretty jerky and inconsiderate of him because you were at the time his gf. So him not letting you know, is proof that he was thinking of breaking up with you awhile before this happened because he cared less about how you were feeling-so much so that he didn’t even care to tell you his phone was going off.
You sound like a really awesome person Brokenhearted but you have a lot to learn about relationships. Grow from this experience. Go out and do your photography!! Embrace the single life. Read articles that tell you about the pros of being single. There are plenty of benefits!! Don’t worry about him coming back or not. It just feeds your obsession that he is never coming back. No one knows that for sure. Continue to do NC and be proud of yourself that you controlled your actions. All we know is that at this time, he’s shut down and in his man cave doing thinking of his own. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you at this moment unless he says otherwise. And if he’s still in love, you will pop up in his thoughts all the time. Things around him will remind him of you. And if he isn’t in love, he will still hurt because he lost a love. So it’s not all sunshine and rainbows on his side either. Breaking up sucks for everyone involved.
Hi Brokenhearted, In answer to your questions, Guys will emotionally distance themselves and detach prior to exiting the relationship months before. So yes, he was planning to break up with you before you e-mailed his work. Although he may have been upset, it wouldn’t have been the only thing that made him break up with you. There were severe issues in your relationship that made him walk out on you.
I asked my boyfriend about the e-mail because it sounds like you are really annoyed by it. He said it sounds like his e-mail being distant and non-chalant was him trying not to upset you anymore because he was afraid of you doing something else even worse. He does not know what you are capable of and probably thinking that an emotional e-mail is going to set you off. I’m sure he cared because he has a past with you but to be honest, he was scared of you at this point.
He’s not going through the addiction thing as much as you because he’s angry with you. Anger trumps any emotional attachment that he might feel but right now he’s shut down, unreachable. It’s going to take a long time for him to open back up.
He reached his breaking point with you long before he actually called it quits. Did you ever notice a change in behavior? Think about when the two of you were getting along and happy. Now think about what his behavior was toward the end-do you see any differences? Usually there are many that girls miss.Yes, you contacting him now would be frustrating because he’s shut down because he doesn’t want you in his life at this time. And he means it right now. Therefore, continue to do NC. It’s the best for both you and him. Don’t worry about your anniversary until you actually get him back if you ever do.
“And it’s so hard for me to respect his decision when I don’t know what he really wants and don’t know how to interpret his email;” Addressing this statement you made, your ex has very clearly told you what he wants. It’s in the e-mail. And you are overthinking it way too much. A guy says what he means. If he really wanted to continue the relationship and work on the issues, he would never have written that. So your mind is just tricking you that you don’t know what your ex wants because it hurts less. But as hard as it is to hear, you have to believe in what he’s saying. And like finntoga said-you can only control yourself. Just because you are dating someone, doesn’t mean that you control the entire relationship. That’s not how it works at all.
“I do have a problem though… our one year anniversary since the first time we kissed is like before the 31 day period expires 🙁 that’s really when we started dating… 🙁 🙁 Can I not say anything?”
Addressing this post where you are asking whether you can contact him for your anniversary. I asked my man for advice on this one. He says: You have to continue NC on this day. For one, it’s not an anniversary if you aren’t together. What you should celebrate that day is that you have continued to do NC and have improved a lot since this whole crazy breakup began. I agree with him. Maybe he will initiate contact-no one can say what will happen. But if he sees that you aren’t overwhelming all of his inboxes with messages, your chances of him contacting you are much greater than you pissing him off by FORCING your way into his life. You have to respect his decision and what he wants, no matter how much it hurts.
Hey Brokenhearted-sry I have been busy with work to help ya out. First of all-NO do not contact him no matter how much you miss him. If its because you are used to texting him, use an app like ColorNote-it lets you write text messages and you can save them. This will help you break the routine of wanting to text him. It doesn’t matter how much you miss him. This guy needs to know what life is like without you. He sounded so nonchalent and distant in the e-mail. Give him a taste of his own medicine. You are doing great doing NC so far. Be proud of yourself and find a way to celebrate whenever you complete a week in some way that makes you happy. And then celebrate the next week and so on.
You can want him back all you want but it doesn’t change what you are meant to do in your life at this point in time. The universe wants you to focus on YOU not HIM. You need to take control of your anxiety-writing in a journal was great advice. Find a way to harness your chaotic energy!! Find an outlet-any hobby that you like.
Here’s what’s happening to you while you are going through this–Love is said to be as addictive as cocaine-The reason is that the chemicals that are released in the brain are similar to the ones in powerful drugs like cocaine. Each time you interacted with your ex in the past when things were good was like giving your brain a “fix” (a dose of that drug). Now that he simply disappeared, your brain is still very much in love and is still craving that “fix”. Therefore, your state of mind at the moment is comparable to someone withdrawing from their favorite drug. If they did a scan of your brain, your brain would be very similar to a drug addict because you are withdrawing from your ex just like an addict withdraws from their drug of choice. Soooo that’s why these feelings-urges to contact him are going to continue to get stronger and will continue to do so. But you have to fight through them one moment at a time. When they get out of control, find a way to distract your brain. Your mind thinks that making contact with him is going to give you your “fix” back. But in all honesty, he’s just going to ignore you and you are going to feel a million more times worse because you were denied of your “fix” don’t do that to yourself Brokenhearted. Be strong!
Hi Agnod..Nope. It’s not okay. You have to disappear from his life and not contact your ex. If he’s still in love, he will initiate contact and it will be impossible to forget you. If you do answer his texts, it just feeds his ego and tells him that you are still there waiting for him. So he has all the time in the world to be single because he knows you are waiting for him and would take him back in an instant. By not replying to his texts, you are forcing him to wonder what the hell you are up to and more importantly have you moved on with another guy. And those thoughts in his head will build until his heart makes him contact you. It may seem like he has forgotten you but trust me, he hasn’t. Let him break the ice. Even if he’s stubborn, eventually he will. If the two of you are meant to be together, he will come back.
Hi brokenhearted123..I’ll take some time to read your other account’s posts so I can better understand your story. I think he’s just very angry at the overwhelming amount of texts/emails you were sending. It’s pretty common when guys get pissed off, they go into what I refer to as their “man cave”. When a guy doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions, he goes deep into his man cave and that’s when he does serious thinking about your relationship and he has time to cool off and calm down. You can’t rush this process. Guys that have anger issues usually take a longggg time in their man cave. So expect this from your ex. When he sees that you are not contacting him, he’s going to wonder about you. He expects you to go berzerk and send him tons of messages. Don’t do it anymore. And if he is still emotionally attached to you-(and honestly it sounds like he is by the way you described your relationship pattern)-he will miss you. And when he misses you enough and if he is still in love, he will initiate contact. Let him make the first move. Do not under any circumstances message him. Show him by your actions that you are changing. You never know as you continue to do NC, he could have a change of heart. If he’s still in love with you, his heart will lead him back to you. So don’t worry. At the moment, he’s sorting out his feelings and needs peace and he is also transforming into a better person. During this time, he will be doing a lot of thinking about your relationship. And if he’s still in love, you will always be in the back of his mind. Both of you will be doing a lot of growing (spiritually and emotionally) while you are apart. The both of you will be learning and analyzing what it takes to have a good relationship and what the hell went wrong.
I can see that you feel panicky that you lost him for good. Every person that gets broken up with feels that sick-to-your-stomach panic. Just tell yourself that no one knows what the future holds. Your goal is to learn from the past and figure out how you can make your life more awesome without him in it. You can do it. By the time you get into the next relationship (with him or maybe with someone way better), you will have transformed in ways you couldn’t even imagine because of all the things you learned from your failed relationship.
As for him being friends with you and not his other exes, this shows you that he still cares about you. He just doesn’t know how to be in your life when you act this crazy so he retreated to his man cave and exited the relationship. If you two are the type where you pretend to be friends after NC but in reality, both of you actually love each other-your friendship will develop into a relationship naturally.
Here’s my thoughts on your crazy situation and I asked my boyfriend of 7 years for his thoughts as well..your ex is extremely pissed off that you overwhelmed him with e-mails and texts. You disrespected him with your behavior by doing that and showed him that you don’t care about his needs/wants which is pretty much the opposite of what you are trying to do. You definitely need to go NC so your ex will cool off and begin to consider his next move. At the moment, the door to a relationship and even friendship is definitely closed. Only time away from you and doing NC can help that door open again to future contact. You need to show him that you aren’t the creepy psycho insecure ex that he sees you as by living your life and pretending that this guy isn’t on this planet. For awhile, it’s going to feel strange that he’s not in your life but it gets easier. You are tormenting yourself with thoughts of “will he give me another chance??” Stop. You need to think of ways that you can become self-confident and independent. If this guy is the one you are really meant to be with, your lives will come together once again. And if he isn’t, there will be another guy that’s even better than him that will totally obliterate any feelings that you had with your ex. Your true love might be this guy but your behavior and his need to exit the relationship for his well-being and sanity proves that you aren’t meant to be together at this time. Perhaps in the future when you are more mentally stable and he sees that you have changed (by not contacting him), your paths will cross and you will end up in a relationship. You have to accept that you can’t be with him at this time and instead you are meant to work on yourself. At this time, you are meant to grow as a person and learn from this experience so you can become an awesome girlfriend.
Yeah this guy is just looking for an ego boost and not seriously considering getting back together. As soon as you say you miss him and his ego is fed, he’s off to chase some other girl. Don’t answer his text next time. This will make him wonder if you are with another guy and having fun with a new man. Then he will be more likely to text you and think of you.
My advice wasn’t wrong at all. You simply think it’s wrong or “shooting you down” because you didn’t like hearing the truth about your situation. And if you are honest with yourself, you know that I’m telling you the truth.
The fact is if this guy loved you enough even though you are miles away, he would want to work on your issues and get through the problems in it. Together.But he chose the easiest way out and walked out of the relationship. Nothing you say or do can change that fact. He has to want to come back to you on his own terms.
And you can’t justify all types of bad behavior such as insecurity and bringing drama into a relationship by saying “well that’s being human”.
I don’t know your whole story but I do have plenty of long distance relationship experience so I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been with my guy for 7 years..5 of those were long distance and the last two we have happily lived together. So following my advice would have helped bring your ex back. If you can get past your ego!lol I wasn’t being negative, on the contrary. And did you get your ex-boyfriend back yet? It’s very obvious that you only consider yourself and didn’t even think of what your ex was feeling when you were being bitchy to him. Guys hate dealing with drama-it’s a nightmare for them!! And you trying to convince him to come back-I guarantee is only pushing him further and further away. And you can’t ever convince an ex to work on a relationship if he feels his life is better without you in it. And if he hasn’t come back, it’s because he’s enjoying life single and without a girlfriend that brings nothing but drama, insecurity and problems in his life.
You keep asking why he keeps texting you. The answer is because he is feeding you breadcrumbs which a lot of exes do. Breadcrumbs are random text messages that keep you interested and give you false hope all the while feeding his ego while they leave you feeling like crap.
It’s a great idea to do NC because it’s absolutely necessary in this case. Listen to him when he says he needs space and give it to him. When he texts you, ignore him. You won’t get what you want from responding to his texts anyways. You want a lot more than he is willing to actually give to you.
It seems like you are looking into his actions and applying the meaning that you want. You probably think that if he’s keeping the ring, that he still loves you and wants to get back together with you. I asked my boyfriend of 7 years on his thoughts since you said you wanted a guy perspective. He says that your ex keeping the ring doesn’t mean anything besides the fact that he thought it was a cool ring. And if he wanted to work on the relationship, he would. But the fact that he’s keeping you at a distance gives you all the info you need. Actions speak louder than words. A guy that is interested and wants to continue the relationship will want to work on it. A guy that thinks you are too much drama and insecure for him will slowly take steps out of your life until he fades out of your life for good.
