Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Quite a long time to be with someone. My best friend also is going through a divorce after being with her man for 14 years. So all of your problems are associated with a house?? Guys mean what they say and say what they mean. Us girls like to think there’s a million different interpretations when a guy says something. But truly they are pretty clear. Has you talked to him at all through any means or is he just ignoring everything? Why is your dad talking to him? I would imagine it would feel really awkward to talk to an ex’s father. And even if he wasn’t busy at work, he would have made that talk as short as possible for a few reasons. How often have you texted/called him since you broke up? Need more background info to help ya out
lol the universe is trying to bring guys to you. Hmmmmm I wouldn’t bring another ex into the picture. Then you have double the problems and they become even more complex plus the chances of hurting the second ex are very high which is a bad thing because it can cause bad karma to come your way. Like I said earlier, change your routine and environment as much as possible. Like in your place, change the look of the rooms. It doesn’t have to be big changes but small ones. It can help you to move on from the hurt of the breakup and signals to your mind, that you are making big and small changes in your life.
I’m glad you were able to figure out whether he had his phone on/off!! I think it might be off because he expects you to blow up his phone especially if you have done this in the past. Since he’s still pissed off, he probably doesn’t want to deal with the drama of a hurt and angry ex so it’s safer to keep it off. I’m sure that will change before long because I don’t know anyone that can live without a phone. Another reason might be because of financial difficulties paying it.
I think it’s awesome that you have continued NC. I’m still catching up on your posts that I missed.
Hi brokenhearted-I was away because I’ve been working on major projects at work. Now back to the matter at hand. It looks like Finntoga gave you incredible insights and advice. You have to find a way to break the cycle of your thoughts. It’s been said time and time again. One thing you can do is to change your surroundings and routine whenever you get back from your vacation. I can see one of the main sources of your anxiety is whether his phone is back on. I’m going to play devil’s advocate a minute. It makes me wonder if it would be better to call his number and see for yourself whether it’s back on. Of course, you don’t have to do it from your number-but from another one. In a way, yeah it’s cheating NC but it may put your mind at rest at least a litte about wtf is going on with his phone. It sounds like you not knowing whether his phone is on is fueling your thoughts into this emotional whirlwind that is making you even more anxious.
A few things are certain, no she hasn’t forgotten you. And yes, you guys will very likely talk again. With time, she will reach out.
I think the amount she misses you is dependent on a number of factors like: How long were you guys together? What was your relationship like? How often did you guys communicate? Did you text/email often?
You did great after the breakup-not bothering her. She has to live down this embarrasing event and she hasn’t yet.I think that’s why she resists contacting you-even if she does miss you.
Did you always give him ultimatums? Those are like the kiss of death to a relationship. When you give an ultimatum, you have to be prepared to mean what you say because the other person will take it seriously.
I get what you are saying about the social media accounts. But the thing is that your ex still hasn’t contacted you right? Regardless of whether you were blocked on his social media accounts, he still hasn’t reached out. That right there speaks volumes. Do you honestly think that if you reached out today, he would reply?
Cantsum, It could be any number of things that pushed your ex to the breakup point. No it wasn’t all because of the embarrassing moment so don’t be so hard on yourself. There were definitely other factors but what those were, I couldn’t say because I don’t know her. Think back to your relationship. Somewhere along the line, there had to have been some other things that were making her unhappy with your relationship. It was those particular things that caused the relationship to unravel into what it is today.
Hi Brokenhearted,
First of all, you are using anxiety to justify your behaviors! Don’t give anxiety that much control of your life. You are the one in control-don’t ever forget that. Constantly going on fb, de-activating, going back on it and de-activating it is a quick way to build your anxiety. Do something more productive with your time. Finntoga gave you some great suggestions! Along with Finntoga, listen to Cantsum even though it’s not always what you want to hear. He’s a guy so he gives you insight into the way a guy’s mind works.
Second of all, when a guy breaks up with you, always assume he’s done forever. It’s the best way of dealing with a breakup because it allows you to learn to live without him. I know it’s extremely difficult. But there’s a good chance that your ex is tired of breaking up and making up and falling into the same unhealthy routine. When he’s said he’s done, he could have meant it this time. Rather than thinking of all the similarities between this breakup and last time, think about the differences. The fact that he still has you blocked on his social media accounts speaks volumes to what he wants at this time. He wants to not have you in his life at all. If this fact wasn’t true, he would have sent a message and an invite so you can check up on him. This is obviously not the case. So for now, you have to continue NC. Be proud that you have gone this far without bombarding him with messages that will only serve to piss him off further and annoy him.
You have to stop thinking of him as “your baby” because he no longer holds that title in your life. You have to learn to do life and exist without him. This is the toughest part of breaking up. The two of you may have a past but you are no longer a unit. It was his decision to split your relationship into two singles. Keep reminding yourself of that.You are going to miss him a lot and those feelings will fluctuate. Expect that. One of the reasons you want him very badly is because you can’t have him. It’s human nature to want what we can’t have. Getting over a breakup is a lot like navigating wild stormy, choppy waters in search of dry land. Sometimes you will be in control and other times, you will just have to have faith that the universe will allow you to arrive safely to dry land. Even though you may feel stuck, trust me you are moving to better times in your life.
@Cantsum
As a girl, I’m going to tell you that there were thoughts of ending it before this embarrasing event. There always is. They were slowly building as the days went on but you couldn’t see it. Whenever you began to notice her acting differently than normal, that’s when she began to have those kind of thoughts. I change in subtle ways when I’m thinking of ending it. You don’t need to say what the embarrasing event is in order for us to give you our thoughts!! When she heard those words from you-all her break-up thoughts came to the surface and exploded in her mind thus causing the breakup. If she still wanted things to remain the same, it wouldn’t even matter if the most embarrasing event in history happened. She would have overlooked it.I can tell you want her back. You have to wait until she initiates contact. And the reason is because when girls get embarrased, they cringe inside anytime that embarrasing memory comes up. Then she wants to avoid having anything associated with the event so she stays away. She’s got to miss you enough that she says-oh well, fuck it. Shit happens. I still love him. When she reaches that point, you will hear from her. But that takes time to get there so yeah you do have to wait. If you contact her now, those embarrasing feelings are just going to come up for her and she’s going to run and close herself off so she doesn’t have to feel them.
Hey Brokenhearted,
You asked how to control irrational jealousy. You take control of your mind by asking yourself if your jealous thoughts are based on real proof or is it your overactive imagination. Write your feelings down about anything that is making you jealous because it may help you sort them out along with seeing things objectively. Jealousy is a monstrous emotion and it can take over. Once jealous thoughts pop up, they seem to feed off of one another in a vicious cycle making the feelings of insecurity and jealousy even worse. Replace jealous thoughts with positive thoughts. Or you can distract yourself such as listening to music. Trying to control him and doing social media visual interrogations to see what he’s up to then and now aren’t helping you at all because your fear just grows. Once you become irrationally jealous/insecure, you begin to see all of his actions through a distorted lens of jealousy instead of reality. Even though you probably worried an excessive amount during the relationship, the hard reality is that if a guy wants to cheat when he’s in a relationship, he’s going to cheat. There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop him. When jealous feelings spiral out of control, you can easily sabotage your relationship. Every accusation you threw at him either in e-mail/text/in person slowly was annihilating the fragile foundation of your relationship. You just didn’t see it at the time. But see you are a wiser woman now!! All this information we are giving you is going to help you become a totally awesome girlfriend. So the suffering that you are feeling is not in vain. It is necessary and crucial to your well-being and the well-being of your future relationships.I think you placed your needs/wants/wishes/desires ahead of his. And he got sick of this as well. I want you to read about how guys think. It’s not at all like we do. You have to understand that he has free will. He had it when you were in a relationship and he has it now. Finntoga was exactly right-The things he does now and with whom are no longer your primary concerns. I know that’s hard to hear. You have to let go of him for now. This is why we say it’s so important to focus on you.
Brokenhearted-Guys have major egos. And although they appear to be the stronger sex, they get hurt very easily and very deeply. A lot of girls don’t realize that and guys get crushed. Guys stay with girls that make them feel good emotionally and physically. If he thinks that there is more pros than cons to the relationship, he will most likely return. If on the other hand, it’s more cons than pros, he will move on. Little by little, he was making this list in his mind and keeping track of things that you were doing. Even if you weren’t aware of it.
@Finntoga-Thanks! I think your advice is great as well!
Brokenhearted-here’s my thoughts on your e-mail.Never point out the issues that he has to work out when he’s pissed. That’s a lesson for you. He will become defensive and resist you even more. He knows what he has to fix-he doesn’t need to be told.
You are trying to remind him of the sweet things he says. He sees this as trying to convince him to change his mind. He sees through the words and sees it as a ploy to manipulate him. Once again, builds up even more resistance.You are trying to point out the problems in the relationship. He knows the problems and has his own version of the problems as well. You ask to speak to him in person-he sees it as begging. You try to tell him what you think he meant by friends-he does not care. He’s pissed and doesn’t even see friendship at the time because he’s in blind rage territory. You continue to try to control how he feels. That’s a mistake and it creates more resistance to wanting to talk to you. He’s on the defensive and will deliberately NOT talk to you and shut down further because you are trying to tell him how he feels when you aren’t in control of his mind. GUYS HATE THAT.
You even give him an ultimatum by saying that he will respond back and continue to set conditions. He knows you love him and are in love with him. But his anger, emotions, his perspective on the relationship and god knows what else he’s thinking caused him to walk away from you anyways. Each time you tell him I love you, it loses it’s affect on him. When I love you is overused-it’s worse than not saying it at all.
With all that said, you did finish off the letter on a good note. You talk about how you are trying and working on yourself in the future. And the best thing is that you mention the things that you like about him. So hopefully, you learned a lot about what to do/what not to do next time around when you write an e-mail to a guy again.
And yes, he will talk to you again!! You guys have a deep emotional attachment. You have been together a long time and you won’t be easy to get over either Brokenheart. That’s the reason he tried over and over to make it work. You guys just needed to address it and make an effort to fix the issues at the same time. One of the reasons a rollercoaster relationship is intense is because there is a lot of love there-A LOT. So just be happy being single. Time will tell but it’s okay to talk out your emotions/feelings here. It’s better than texting him. And slowly you are evolving as a person. You may not see it yet, but just reading through your posts and you can tell little by little-you actually are.
Yeah Brokenhearted-each time you guys give it another chance, both of you have to see it as a clean slate. Remember that!! Otherwise, you will poison the relationship with all the problems and insecurities of the last doomed one. Repeating the same pattern. You were already waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak even before he did anything wrong.
And last time when you made contact on his b-day and he called you babe and all that, what do you think would have happened if you hadn’t? I’ll tell you! Eventually, he would have initiated contact because he would be too in love with you not to do that. So you might think that not writing him by a certain day will result in losing him forever. Love doesn’t work like that. If he is your true love and you are meant to be with him, his heart would make him contact you. And he’d be unhappy dating anyone else until he got back together with you. So keep doing NC bravely!! Don’t be so harsh on yourself. Make a list of things you love about yourself and post it where you can see it.
