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Thanks for the message last night, it helped a lot.
Why are you worrying? I noticed one thing in particular is the way I react if I’m the last person to text or she is, which obviously doesn’t matter at all.
Today she replied to a link I sent her on Facebook, and even put a smiley face in there. That’s a first. Maybe she was still drunk haha! I felt OK after that, few hours later I thought screw it, I’ll call her for a catch up. Put the cats in baby clothes last night, figured she’d like to hear about it. She didn’t answer, and it totally threw me into a different state of mind. Do you think the same happens to you?
I guess like you say, you can’t let the other person have such a toxic effect on your brain. Got to be brave enough to still do the no contact thing and go about your day, you’re still living separate lives sadly. I feel stupid for calling her, now she’ll be pressured to call me back which isn’t cool.
How long were you guys actually apart before you started seeing each other again?
I guess you guys are dating again of sorts, but with all that history behind it it’s hard to see the wood for the trees. Those days apart will be good for both of you. Or good for her. You’ve had so much time to heal already. It’s odd as I think through all of this we learn that the other party bases all their decisions on their instincts, rather than making a decision like we do. Different types of people I suppose. I often wonder which one is right. Have you thought about something simple like flowers when you meet?
Be thankful that you’re not long distance though haha! I did say to her a few weeks ago on the phone not to worry about the distance, that I would just come and see her because she’s busy. This was after she mentioned she was worried if one of us “changes our minds”.
I need to change my mindset. I don’t know why I’m so paranoid about this party when I’d gotten to a point where I realised it didn’t matter anymore. Genuinely too. So why all these emotions now? Completely dominating anxiety. For some reason I feel like house parties automatically mean hook-ups. More intimate I guess. I haven’t been to house parties in a long time so I can’t really remember what they were like anyway. She used to be a real ‘party girl’ before we met, said she never really liked that lifestyle when we were together, and certainly didn’t anymore. I know she just had a different mind about it because she was with me. Now she’s at uni she says she’s changed so much and somehow I feel like that’s her falling back into her old ways. Maybe that’s an immature mindset for me to have.
When I spoke to her and things were nice the other day, I guess it kind of freaked me out. That’s the wrong mindset. Expecting to have an emotional conversation after telling her I wanted to build something new. Small signs though, all prior mention of the cats has elicited an emotional response. This time around she just said ‘I’m glad they’re happy’. When I spoke about my pay-rise the other week she just said ‘I’m happy things are going well for you’.
She’s never shown me any emotion unless I show it first, through all of this. That’s what makes me think she doesn’t want this. Of course she’d react if I get emotional, but that doesn’t mean anything.
I’ve been ill for about ten days now, had to have a chest x-ray today. Probably throwing a lot in the mix.
Take your time. Take your time. Don’t worry about time at all.
Write a text, then don’t send it. Wait an hour, look at it. Re-write it.
Even if it takes a day, or more. Only text back when you are calm. Only then can you speak sensibly.
Look at the way you post on here, does it look calm? Be calm.
Lie down, close your eyes, take deep breaths and just experience your feelings. Don’t label them, don’t think about them. Just feel them. Do it for twenty minutes. It will help.
She is kind of right about it man. She said she tried to open up to you, and you kind of then shot her down with that conversation you had. Never pressure anyone, no one likes that and nor will she. Lesson learnt right?
That being said, don’t look at it as everything is fucked. She knows you’ll be going through a difficult time, no one is that stupid. You don’t need to tell her that. Just give her some space, as hard as that may be. Cool off for a few days, then you could apologise (keep it brief) for the outburst, if you feel you need to.
She kissed you man! Stop listening to your head, take a step back and look at what is in front of you. You’ll make better decisions with a clear head.
You can do this!
Time takes time. Don’t think of it that way. You’ll be ok.
I’m in a funny situation myself. Girlfriend is back at uni after living together almost three years, distance and stress caused us to break up basically. We’ve got to a point where we speak on the phone once or twice a week, but apart from that she doesn’t contact me at all. Never initiates the contact, and that’s what hurts the most, but you have to forget your feelings (crazy right?) in order to keep a positive mental attitude and make the right calls.
He’s obviously showing some signs even if it’s just through his facebook, so don’t let your emotions cloud your judgement. I don’t even seen any signs on facebook, so you’ve got that much. Keep a clear head and you’ll know what the right move to make is.
Keep your cool. Four days is nothing. If in two days or so you haven’t heard back, just send a friendly text asking him if he still wants to grab that coffee. No harm in making the first contact.
Take your time. In fact don’t worry about time at all. You two will speak again. It’s really hard right now but have faith that things will be ok. Work on yourself, you’re making the right moves. If it feels right, contact him to say you want to work things out and that you’re helping yourself to make yourself better.
If you’re second guessing yourself at every turn, then it’s not the right time to contact him. You might not feel like it right now, but you know how to make your own situation right better than anyone else.
You can do it! Positive mental attitude.
You know I think you might be right about the moving to London thing. I think her and I got thrown in to disarray by being apart. I moved back to ‘Hobbiton’ because I had friends and family here, and truthfully I wasn’t confident enough to make the move with her what with my unemployment. How would I survive in busy old London when I’d only just got a job in Portsmouth. I wanted to get back on my feet first.
The past week I feel like I’ve been rotting at work. It’s actually a great job, but there’s no elevation, and where I live just isn’t for me. I know I can’t be here forever, let alone much longer.
I think I might be confident enough to make that move now, and not just for her. I think that’s why I talked about a holiday with her, but that isn’t anything real. As you said, something has to give. We were really good when we lived together bar the issues I had, and I’ve resolved them now, at least I’m pretty sure I have. I think she saw that which is why she was disappointed I didn’t want to go with her.
I just needed to get this written down before I forget this moment.
Interesting developments at your end. It does sound like she’s being very cautious about the whole thing. It’s odd that she calls it being friends when you guys spend quite so much time together. I think a good response to the friends statement is “Let’s play it by ear” or something to that effect. Doesn’t really say anything either way then.
That doesn’t sound like friend behaviour at all! Keep doing what you’re doing, doesn’t sound like you’re making any mistakes.
I spoke to her this evening for about forty minutes. Was a nice normal chat. I don’t really know how I feel about it though. Something makes me feel like this isn’t the right way to go about it, but I don’t really know what the alternative is. The distance really throws a spanner in the works.
End of the conversation she said have a nice weekend. I asked if she’d want to catch up then. She said she’s not sure if she’s ready to start scheduling conversations with me. Not entirely sure what that means.
Some things make me feel odd. She said she isn’t free to meet up this weekend because of her work, but is going to a house party on Friday. The two don’t really go hand in hand. The house party admittedly makes me feel pretty unsteady, usual worries. I didn’t care before, but now I do again.
Part of me feels like maybe we shouldn’t be together. She’s in that ‘uni’ mentality again, and that’s not where I am right now. I don’t have the opportunities to go and meet lots of people, not that I don’t want to. I think that’s why a lot of relationships struggle when one party goes to uni.
I wish she could see that though. That it’s not some massive change, she’s just back at uni again. We talked about it before we moved out of the flat, I even agreed it would be good for her to do something she enjoys again. We also talked a lot about how life was just more normal and quiet outside of uni, and that’s just how it was, and that we were happy we had each other. Then she goes there and flips it all on its head. Seems a little shallow to me.
Do you think so? What makes you say that?
I called her last night, we only spoke for like a minute as she has a hand in tomorrow. She thanked me for the parcel, said she hadn’t had time to text me. Four days to send a thank you? She’s been posting in out group page etc. Not that I said that, I didn’t send it to get a thank you anyway.
She text me after we spoke saying that the parcel was really lovely. Apologised for being busy and said she’d call me today.
For some reason though I just don’t feel positive about it. Again it feels like she thinks I’m chasing her.
Thanks Patrick. You know when you posted this you were right, it didn’t make any sense. I’ve actually read it a few times and I get it. It helped me feel strong again, and that’s what counts.
I don’t really know whether getting upset on the phone or not was a good idea. As you say with your lady, I want to make her feel secure and getting upset actually made me feel pretty insecure, let alone her. Hearing her upset just a few days before just opened me up again. But then she went out on Friday night with friends so it can’t of been all bad.
Doesn’t really matter. No more second guessing anymore. Things will unfold as they unfold. There aren’t really any rules to this. We just have to react sensibly to what is placed before us.
The whole “I miss you so much, I don’t know what my true feelings are right now” thing she says is a bit odd considering she said that 6 weeks ago. It’s these little cues that make me think I’m being taken for a ride. Keep it going so you don’t have to fully deal with the emotion of being fully apart until after your exams right? Hopefully not.
I had no idea it was quite so heavy for you Patrick. I didn’t realise you lost a friend too. You really have overcome a hell of a lot. The funny thing is, I’ve seen it in you just from your posts on this thread.
Positive steps forward I’d say. She sounds very proud of you. Maybe she’s not rushing into things as she needs to overcome how everything was for her during your time apart. She probably actually feels bad about it all I would imagine, now that she sees you for you again.
I’m actually really proud of you too Patrick.
Hi Kalia.
As Patrick said, you need to start living for you. You are not insane.
Let go of all those emotions, they are baggage from your relationship. Doesn’t it make you almost angry that you’re having to experience all of this? I get angry when I see her living her life and I feel like I do. Not fair.
There’s a lot more to your life than him though it might not seem like it, and if you work towards that you’ll find yourself ready to take back control, and you’ll be ready to work things out. When he sees you being strong is when he might reconsider, and if not you’ll be a beautifully strong person anyway.
Be gracious for any small/big moments in your days where you feel good. You deserve to be happy. Be thankful for the people around you. You are a strong person, and you have worth. You mean a lot to many people in this world.
Begin to live for others. Show compassion and gratitude in life, and your brain will be happy.
I’m sure you already have, but be brave and take even just a few days to yourself. Think fuck it, I need this time for me. And if you need to, do it well in the knowledge that your gut feelings are telling you everything will be OK. Have faith, let go.
This website has some interesting ideas about “no contact” etc, but it’s all a little mind-gamey. I think this site has some good information you could use in your situation if you’re talking to him about change. I too have taken the honest route, we’ll have to see how it works eh?
It’s just that I’d gotten past all that emotion. I was being strong and it felt like things were working. Kind of feel like I’ve set myself back by acting like I did. Nothing I can do about it now I suppose. I can only move forwards.
