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I re-worked my letter, would be interested to hear your opinions:
“Our time apart has taught me many things. It made me realise that I have a life outside of us that I should be working towards. I’ve said that before but I think I was saying it for you instead of for me. I should’ve been doing it when I was with you, but instead I decided to get stuck in the past out of fear, and I got trapped there. I was afraid to move forward as I thought I’d lose you somehow, when really I should have had more faith. More faith to take bigger risks, knowing we’d make it. I get that I didn’t understand that because I’ve never had the chance to learn it the hard way before, so in a way I think the distance has been good for me.
I think that was why I moved back here instead of to London with you. I realised that I was only doing us harm with the mindset I was in, and I wanted the opportunity to be a better man.
It didn’t work when I got back home though, I was overtaken by the thought that I’d actually only taken another step backwards. And with all the stressors that were happening at home I felt like my world was falling apart. When I visited you in London I felt so free and happy when we ran around doing our own thing, and I think it made me almost bitter to think that I had to go home. My ‘Janplan’ was the first steps towards that realisation, so was the counselling. You should know if you don’t already that I organised the counselling before we parted. I wanted change.
Things are better at home now. I know I have to work towards something different, I can’t be where I am currently for my whole life. I would suffocate. The thought of trying to move to London to be with you was so forceful since coming home, but I wanted to be more financially secure before making any moves. I was trying to be patient.
When we had troubles I would feel so much anxiety and sadness, and the anxiety would make me act crazy. I wasn’t handling my emotions properly, and that had been present for a long time. I am truly sorry for my behaviour. I was finally brave enough to seek help, and was so sad that suddenly it was all too late. This time it’s gone now, for good. With help, I’ve grown up. I hope my absence has shown that I respect and trust you. I miss you a lot. Our boys are here, and they miss you too I know it.
It wasn’t always easy, but living with you was a big part of my life, and it’s the happiest anyone has ever made me, and often the happiest I’ve ever been, and I am completely serious about working towards being there again. Do you remember when we went to all the charity shops buying baby clothes for the boys? Just one of an endless list of beautiful days. Even the shit days were good with you.
I miss your laugh. I miss your beautiful smile. I miss your squidgy nose. I miss taking care of you when you were sick. I miss making you milk and honey. I miss waking up to you and the boys. I miss hearing you speak so passionately about your work, even though you were always so convinced you were boring me. I’d never met a person so unique. Funny, I taught Tim at work how to pronounce phenylalanine the other day and it brought everything straight back.
I’ve had time now to work on myself and improve things for me personally, but what remains for me is the knowledge that the bond we share really is one of a kind. I think you feel it too. There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought of you. I want to tell you how much things have changed for me, and I haven’t had the chance to show you.
I want to thank you for our time together, and I shall respect your decision. I want to walk my path alongside yours because I love you, and you are one of the most amazing souls I have ever met. If I have to do it alone then I know now that I will, and I’ll be ok, but I’d much rather do it with you by my side.”
Not at all, I think it’s good to be upfront about it. Good for you! Have you passed up on any other opportunities since you broke up?
I ended up going to lunch with one of the girls from my work spontaneously on Friday. It felt kind of like a date, but I think that’s just because I’ve never really been on a date before. She has a boyfriend too, I think both of us just needed to get out of the office. Nevertheless, it just made me miss her more as I realised this girl is nothing like her.
I didn’t send flowers today in the end, I think it would’ve rubbed off the wrong way.
Hey Patrick,
Where can I find one of the recommended letters?
Hope you’re well today.
It is good, yes. Nice to have a third party to talk to, someone who doesn’t have anything to do with you.
I didn’t make any contact this evening. I’m too scared if I’m honest. I really want to tell her that my friend called me after she spoke to him. I don’t know whether to or not. He didn’t tell me in a gossipy way, he just told me she was upset.
Weighing up that against no contact.
Sometimes that’s all you need I think, my counselling sessions go much the same way, but it’s helped me a lot.
Do you think you’ll continue doing it? It can help to get a professional perspective. Are the sessions in English out of interest?
Will you let me know when you hear some news? I’m really interested to see what happens next for you.
I don’t know Patrick. I just don’t know. I really think that what I’ve come to realise is that there are no wrong or right moves when it comes to matters of the heart. The text I want to send isn’t trying to be romantic, it’s just literally how I feel. There is no alterior motif for me. While I sit here and consider every option under the sun, I don’t find myself with any more clarity. So far, thinking with my head has only damaged my chances when I look at it that way.
Wanted to meet her, missed it. Arranged a meet, bailed. I can only go with what I feel next weekend, I’m really not interested in playing any games.
The ‘moves’ I’ve made in the past two weeks so far have only pushed her away. I never begged for her to come back either, and that didn’t work.
It makes me so angry how much I love her, and yet I can’t show her.
Any news your end?
Unfortunately those other ones I was going to send are also unavailable for tomorrow now. Little bit low on the ground for options now, still at work so struggling to find any time to look!
I would want write a letter I think.
When you say ‘think about it all’ what do you mean?
Thanks for your thoughts.
I don’t think I’ll send flowers tomorrow, but I think I will send some in the next couple of days. Valentine’s day is pretty gimmicky. Maybe it will even mean more that way.
Any news your end?
This is what I wrote that I want to say to her, says pretty much everything about where I’m at:
‘Our time apart has taught me many things. It made me realise that I have a life outside of us that I should be working towards. I’ve said that before but I didn’t get it then. I should’ve been doing it when I was with you, but instead I decided to get stuck in the past out of fear, and I got trapped there. I was afraid to move forward as I thought I’d lose you somehow, when really I should have had more faith. More faith to take bigger risks, knowing we’d make it. I get that I didn’t understand that because I’ve never had the chance to learn it the hard way before. I think that was why I moved back here instead of to London with you. I realised that I was only doing us harm with the mindset I was in, and I wanted to be a better man. It didn’t work when I got back home though, I was overtaken by the thought that I’d actually only taken another step backwards because I was living at home, working the same job. And with all the stressors that were happening at home I just got worse. When I visited you in London I felt so free and amazing when we ran around doing our own thing again, and I think it made me almost bitter to think that I had to go home. My Janplan was the first steps towards that realisation, so was the counselling. Things are better at home now. I know I have to be something different, I can’t be where I am currently for my whole life. I would suffocate. The thought of trying to move to London or Bristol (in time) to be with you was so forceful since coming home, but I wanted to be more financially secure before making any moves. I was trying to be patient. I get what you meant when you talked about leaving me ‘so I could I work out what I want’. When we had trouble I would feel so much anxiety and sadness, and the anxiety would make me act crazy. I’m sorry. Now all I feel is the sadness. The same sadness you must’ve been feeling. I miss you a lot. Our boys are here. I want to tell you how much things have changed for me, and I want to walk my path alongside yours because I love you, and I think you’re amazing. If I have to do it alone then I know now that I will, but I’d much rather do it with you by my side.’
I don’t know, I’d like to live with her though. Be a little family again with our cats.
I think that the distance forced us into separation somewhat. I know it was hard for her to manage both lives she had, her life with me and her life at uni. We had trouble for what felt like such a long time it just compounded my worry that she had something going on with someone else at the time. I kept thinking to myself, ‘Why wouldn’t she? I wouldn’t blame her’ and I guess it showed.
