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I’m proud of you! You are very strong!
I have to say, if mine did that, I would absolutely not have the resolve that you did. I would crumble. That says so much about how far you have come. Your relationship probably never would have worked, long term, without the changes that you mention haven’t happened yet. Good for you!Aw, bummer, that is not the ending I wanted to hear from you, BUT doesn’t mean there is no happy ending, just gotta add more chapters until you get there 🙂
It has been a long standing joke, basically since the beginning, that we have role reversal in our relationship. He is the more feminine, and I’m the more masculine. I have always been the bigger wage earner, able to think without emotions getting in the way, make all the executive decisions etc. Again, that has always been and something that seemed to be endearing to him about us. I guess it can get taken so far as to make him feel inferior. I have tried to motivate him to do something more over the years, but never in a cruel way. It’s more that he is always so unhappy with any job he takes, so I try to motivate him to do something about it, but he just says he will never be happy. Just one of many examples. He says the same thing about dumping me. It didn’t make him happy and he will never be happy (even though he did it for himself?), and that it would take years to recover.
Again, this was 100% his choice, not mine. I have definitely backed off, not initiating anything, yet he reaches for my hand, he initiates the sex, he comes into the room to cuddle or to ask to sleep in bed. I don’t feel, since the fallout last week, that I am pursuing anything at all.
It is quite cruel to be treated like this when I am still very much in love with him. I feel that, as the dumper, he should cut ties. I have not hidden the fact that I still want a relationship with him and have been very blunt that it was 100% his decision. Of course whatever affection he gives is going to be extraordinarily difficult for me to say no to. The dumpee, who didn’t want this to end, shouldn’t also be the one to further distance themselves from the dumper. It is hard enough to deal with the split. None of this makes any sense :/
I hate to sound really cliche, and we do have our differences, but I do feel that we are soul mates. We share the same sense of humor, music, movies, love for nature, political views, social views, ways of showing affection, I could go on and on. We just failed miserably in communication. He bottled everything up until it was too late. I withheld from talking with him through things, usually, because once they reached the point that I knew something was up, his temper was too high, and I was scared (not in an abusive, he’s going to hit me way, mind you. He has never physically harmed me, that would be a deal breaker for sure).
Just a messed up situation here…Thank you for sharing. I think we are much further down a hole than even you two were. The 6 months of you two sounds like the past 2 years with us. He hinted at things often, but I never had any idea he was ready to cut the cord at a moment’s notice, which is what happened. Because I was so blindsided that he ended it, I was in denial, and continue to be, though to a lesser extent.
The night before last, we did have sex. Afterwards, he jokingly asked if he “should pay me”. That really, truly hurt my feelings, mostly because I still have feelings for him. I’m not sure if that was just another painful jab or what. He apologized then said perhaps we shouldn’t be doing that anymore because it’ll just make it worse when we part ways in the future once we get rid of the house. I said it had nothing to do with that, only his demeaning comment, and he walked away.
It doesn’t help that he does things like how that night or yesterday played out. Yesterday, we saw a movie and he held my hand for the latter 1/3 of it. He asked to sleep in bed last night (he hasn’t since our fallout over the springs trip) since his mattress is uncomfortable and he asked for a ride into work today. He used to hate the fact that I gave him rides because he said he was trapped and wanted to have the freedom to ride his bike in. I only ever offered for his sake, which he accepted. Apparently, that was a problem though. I guess if I stop offering assistance, the game changes.
I hate agreeing to all the above. I’m not sure at all if I am being used or if he is warming up. It’s a terrible situation for my psyche.Thank you, Medi, for a very insightful, detailed (painfully for you, I’m sure) response that is unfortunately very empathetic.
Yes, we have been together since high school, and are lacking in the relationship skills department, sad enough as I am turning 30 in a couple of days. I thought we had pulled through the worst of it, but I guess he thought otherwise.
I think he is seeking a freedom for sure, but I don’t think it he is searching for a new relationship. He said it’ll probably take years to get over us am that I am the only one he trusts when it comes to sexuality. He really doesn’t care much for people, in general, and is really nervous about STDs and what not. I just really don’t see him wanting to be with someone anytime soon. He also has no life goals, which is odd for someone wanting to break away for themselves. He is in a job he hates,doesn’t have family he’d go spend time with,has no desire to pursue any goals etc. he is quite the existentialist at the moment. I do think time apart will help him figure out his own way. I wish we could part from this house so badly 🙁
I agree with the NC/LC not working well, for us. Time apart is essential, but not talking would cause resentments or make him feel that I am too hurt by our situation.
When he said he was fine with me dating, he mentioned very specific people, which makes me think he was just trying to illicit a response. He also said he let go of all his emotions but obviously still has a ton of bottled up anger. I have mentioned counseling and he wants nothing to do with it. I told him if not for us , than for his future relationships. He then, for the first time ever, acknowledged his problem with resentment, anger and bottling things in and said he might look into it much further down the road.
Can you elaborate a bit on the 6months of, I’m sure hell, that you and your ex went through when doing the quasi-relationship awkwardness?
Were you living together? Who solicited the affection, cuddling and sex?
Also, I have only used this name on one other board a little over a month ago for about a week. Are you in FL? You have piqued my interest, lol.
Again, thank you so very much. I may write more in a bit once I have more time to reread and think things out. For now, I have to go.
ThanksUpdate!
I have been trying to stay very distant but pleasant. He has made it difficult. He comes into the room unannounced to snuggle, he has been asking me to go out and do stuff, he has been doing chores around the house, then says he did them for me (seeking approval). He has been kissing me on the forehead or cheek when either of us get home from work and we had sex, again. He laid in bed while I dressed down to take a break between my job, and he just went from there. He cuddled me for a long while.
At night, I asked if he wanted to watch a show, do we watched one. No touching and he was texting his BFF half the time. Sigh. I won’t ask such things again for a while.
But, it seems things are going in a direction, without NC.
I had a problem with NC and jut couldn’t put my finger on it until now. I am actually doing very well, and I think he is seeing that change.
I feel that asking him to back off would make him feel like I am more hurt than I actually am at this point. The trip I’ll me going on will be my NC (probably more like LC as I know he’ll want to talk, I’ll avoid any deeper convo than saying I’m still alive though), but it won’t be so obvious as such. He knows how much I miss seasons since living in Florida and I can just say I want to experience a real fall again.
Thoughts on my approach? Advice? Think things are going somewhere? Feedback will be very much appreciated!I’m sure other seasoned folks here will provide better suggestions (they will all tell you NC, and probably for 2-3 months).
I just wanted to say I feel your pain. After living with my ex for 11yrs and being together 14yrs, it makes it so much tougher. That is such an extraordinary chunk of life devoted to one other individual, that is just tossed aside.
There is no other individual in our case, but the then bf would hint at not being happy, not being happy with is, job, feeling old, etc, so I have been there too.
Spend the NC time improving yourself. It took me some time to get over my crazy reactions after he broke up with me and realize what I need to work on, if not for us, for me and my future relationships. Work out, seek therapy, find a hobby, do whatever makes you happy. Focus on how you were when he fell in love with you. How have you changed since? Recover what and who you used to be, even add to that, if you can. This is my current mantra. Feel free to check out my thread to see what we have gone through.
Such a long time for a relationship. I’m there also, so you have my deepest empathy.Thanks! I’ll keep your advice in mind for sure.
I’m trying to find the happy medium between being cold, but not having the appearance of being moody, which would mean I am still taking everything to heart.
I guess, to better word what I said before, I’m afraid if I tell him I need space/NC, he may interpret that as me still being emotional. I am doing really well, even with all the turmoil, and he has noticed. I will initiate NC for my road trip for sure, but for now, I don’t think it is the best.
The distance thing seems to be working, although I wish I had the mindset to tell HIM (the dumper!!!) to back off.
The night before last, we had dinner and I went straight to bed. He asked me yesterday afternoon, not even 5 mins after he got home from work why I shot off to bed so quick.
I think he is starting to get that I am staying away, and it is throwing him off. There was a bit of a personal convo where he seemed very concerned that I may have been with someone else (while in the same breath, letting me know that “I can do that now” gee, thanks).
I stayed in the room, reading, last night and he came in and wanted to see if I wanted to watch something, so we laid in bed and watched a show, his hand on my side the whole time.
This morning, he comes in the room, without knocking, to grab some pants (he still puts a couple items in our room time to time, for some reason). He came over, caressed me a bit, hugged and walked away. He followed me out to the front porch this am, and before heading off to work, he kissed me on the forehead.
I haven’t offered to give him rides into work like I was doing. He always inquires when I’ll be leaving, what my schedule is going to be like etc, hoping I’ll offer, no doubt.
This far in, and I am still just as confused as day one. How does any bit of this make any sense :/
And I wholeheartedly agree. His emotions are crazy chaotic lately. They can change, without triggers, within moments. It’s nuts.Thank you!
I have read over yours in threads, and our scenarios sound quite similar. The neediness, insecurity, jealousy and lashing out are a very familiar toxic environment. The way you and her interacted and dealt with issues sound just like us. My ex just lacks the physical rebound (though I’d say his new BFF fills the emotional void).
You hang in there too! I see more hope in your situation than most. Who knows, you may very well decide it isn’t even a relationship worth walking back to, in the end, but I think you have a decent chance at being able to make that decision, down the road.
TashaI am so, so sorry you live with your ex. My ex broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. We have been together for 14 years, lived together 11yrs. We were each other’s “one and onlys”.
He dumped me because he hasn’t been happy or a couple years now, felt trapped and can’t forgive me for certain betrayals (though I never cheated).
We co-own a home. We live together. It has been rather hellish.
I have a thread going on elsewhere you should look at.
I have failed horribly at no contact, as you will read. He has been the chaser. We actually laid in bed and watched a movie tonight (again), but a week or so ago, we were doing much more than that.
My advice is to take everything so very slow. We rushed into a “relationship” again, without calling it as such, and he freaked out again, pushing is back to square one a few days ago.
No contact simply wouldn’t work with us, but since our last bad day, I have kept at a distance. We have cuddled, laid in bed etc, but all on his terms since. I’m not pushing anything.
That being said, work on yourself! I started to exercise like crazy. It shows and he notices for sure. Act as happy as you can possibly be, even if it is 100% fake.
I have faked it until I made it, and it has been working for me. If you wish to cry, don’t let your ex see it! Be as non-chalant about everything as possible. When you talk, keep it upbeat and there should be absolutely no reminders of the relationship you had and why it ended. No breakup talk.
Your ex will test you, take a jab here and there, or say just the right questions or make the most painful comments to try and get a reaction. Just let it roll off your back.
Again, it is pure hell.
If there is still a genuine bond though, there will be hints of a chance. I see them daily.
You can take a trip. I have arranged a 3.5 week long solo road trip mid Oct-mid Nov, which I will consider NC. He has no clue yet that I’ll be gone that long. Until then, he will see me happy, healthy, funny and have a good time with me. I hope the drastic changes he will see in me/us, plus the sudden separation/being alone, will be just what is needed, though I’ll never know until I return from the trip.
Hope some of this helps. Check out everything I am going through. Best of luck.In addition to the huge range of signals I got from him yesterday, I did have another question. My birthday is less than a week away. I don’t really have friends to celebrate with. I know he is going to give me a gift and probably will bake a cake and either take me out or order something to eat at home. How should I respond to it all?
Sorry the two of you have some similar experiences 🙁
12 years is a long time for sure. It hurts so much when it is such a very large chapter of your life.
Today’s events:
Funny enough, they went to the same place I go jogging. I saw her car, so went on the longer trail across the street (I assumed they’d go short).
I have been very cold and basically ignoring him today since she had dropped him back off around 1:30, so what happens? He comes in the room, without knocking, snuggles me and asks about my night last night (went out, for once, with a few friends). He then says that one store (right beside the place they went to lunch at) we go to every year to look at Halloween stuff has their season’s stuff out. I asked if they had anything really neat, assuming they went in to take a look. He said “I don’t know, didn’t go in. Figured we’d go look at it together”What is all of this?!?!?!
He got a little touchy/feely, definitely was ready to go, but I could tell he was conflicted and I didn’t reciprocate whatsoever. So there’s one point scored for me. He fell asleep a few moments, holding me though and stayed in bed with me for about an hour and half.
If our relationship made him so unhappy, why is HE the one being all clingy today?
And for the record, it isn’t that I am against the physical aspects of everything. I absolutely love it all. I am apprehensive on how he feels about it though since he starts getting moody after the affection. I don’t don’t want another “off” button hit.Thank you. Living together like this is so difficult. It’s rather hellish, actually. He asked if I wanted to go out last night, just to get out of the house since he knew it would be a difficult day for me. I asked if he had any specific plans. Nope. So, I went to hang out with friends and actually had a decent time. He is going hiking with his friend today. I wish WE were going to the springs. 🙁
I guess I’m just afraid to say no because he never forgets a word or words I say. I could very easily see him being dissuaded and not trying anything if I mention that I don’t want any sort of affection. He remembers things a little too vividly, which is why he harbors things and never forgives. That would put me in a position to become the chaser (a no, no, I know). Ugh. I want to do everything “by the book”, but it is so hard for me to determine what is best for us.
