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Amy! Gah! Update us on how you are doing! Also, will you please please please read my updates? It’s like 12:15 in the morning my time and I cannot sleep because I’m freaking out so much right now. I know it’s irrational, but still.
He “archived” my facebook chat thread with him. He did that with his previous ex before me. She’s right below my thread. I can’t tell if it’s just too painful for him to see stuff about/from me because he’s missing me and wishing he could hear from me, like I thought when I realized he’d “unfollowed” me, or if he’s just genuinely done and trying to erase me and doesn’t want me around. It’s time for bed, but I just feel lousy, knowing all of this. Worse is that I have to see him at work tomorrow and try to act happy and like everything is a-okay.
I guess that’s probably true. Just because I can’t flat out understand why he wouldn’t contact me if he wanted to doesn’t mean that there aren’t valid reasons in his mind. It’s just so hard to understand when I’m so ready for this to be over. I just want to fix this and move on so we can both be happy with our lives, instead of sitting here waiting to hear from each other and missing each other. After the entire way he’s acted too, I guess I just don’t know why he wouldn’t be feeling the same way. Hell, he probably is. He’s just not as emotionally mature as me, he’s shown that, and so he’s not going to deal with things in the upfront way I would.
I also know that none of you guys owe me the answer I want. Sure, all my friends and counselors would probably love to be able to tell me it’s all going to work out. But I know that no one would say it if they didn’t believe it. That’s just too much pain for me to handle on top of all that I’ve already gone through and I know we all know that. I trust that you’d tell me if you thought I should give up.
Well, in that case, I think you’re probably okay. His reasoning for meeting up this week was just him trying to be conscientious of both of you, not because he was intentionally trying to put it off. And if he has been initiating things and following through when he says he will, he probably will.
I’m worried about NC, but that isn’t going to stop me from continuing to do it. I’m never quite sure how to count the days, as the last time we talked was right at the end of day, but I guess I’m technically at the beginning of Day 5. It’ll have been five full days around 11:30 pm or so. I hate it, it makes me feel really distant from him and myself, it doesn’t feel like this is going to change anything, etc. But I know I have to stick through it because what I’ve been doing isn’t working anyways, so at a bare minimum, this won’t make things any worse than they already have been.
I guess the hardest thing I deal with is trying to keep in mind everyone else’s advice and perspective on the situation. I have yet to find someone on the boards, in my friend/coworker group, or with any of my counselors that really truly believe this is over. Everyone seems to think that he’s just had no motivation to step up, which is true, and that this will now set a fire under his butt to get him moving. He used this threat of another date as a way to make me jealous and get a rise out of me, and as it continues to not work in his favor, he’ll be forced to make a move. He’s not going to want to let go or give up. This is literally what everyone tells me. I just find it so dang hard to believe or to keep a bit of perspective on the situation. I think it’s really hard to see when you’re in the middle of it, but sometimes it just feels like everyone is lying to me. I mean, if he were really missing me or concerned, wouldn’t he just contact me? If he were jealous, why wouldn’t he just tell me? It’s all just so nonsensical. That’s what I wish I had answers to or wish someone could explain to me.
Just curious, but why didn’t you set up a specific time or make specific plans? To me, this leaves a lot up to circumstances and seems like you potentially set yourself up for disappointment if he doesn’t contact you. I’m also just curious as to why you chose to wait.
I’m not annoyed whatsoever, so I apologize if my comment came across that way. I’m just telling you that there really isn’t much more for me to say at this point or ask him. I feel that I’ve made my feelings more than clear. I love him and I feel that my actions speak loud enough that he should know that. If he is unclear on that and is acting immaturely because of that/because he’s worrying about it, then it is up to him to him to reach out and try to clarify. As of this point, I’ve been incredibly forgiving and cool about any and all behavior from him. I’ve made my feelings clear, that I want to try and start over, but I haven’t pushed him to go with them. I have spent tons of time hanging out with him, working with him, letting him run errands/help me, helping him, doing nice things for him (like his birthday presents), and the way he repays me is by telling me he’s going on a date. Now, I know it’s either a rebound that will end or a non-existent girl he lied about, but either way he still said it. At this point, I feel that I’ve done enough and said enough. If he is concerned enough by me disappearing or misses me being in his life enough, he will contact me. The ball has been in his court for a long time, and he’s continued to drop it. If he really cares and loves me like he appears to/acts like he does, he will do something about it. The time has come that he needs to step up and be the one working to get me back, not vice versa. And if he can’t do that, I guess that’s probably a sign I don’t want to be with him anyways. I know he’s being incredibly immature and I know that honest communication is what we need. And I intend to go for that at some point. But right now, I am hurt by his comment and sick of him toying with me to try and get some reaction out of me just so he can confirm for himself that I care. If he wants to know I care, all he has to do is look at my actions or ask me. Until a point that he does that or I feel more in control of myself/strong enough that I don’t really need him around, I think NC is the best option here. It’s taking care of myself and giving him an opportunity to see what life is really like without me, and to decide if this is genuinely what he wants.
It’s nice to hear someone saying that they don’t think he’s going anywhere quickly, they don’t think he’s really dating, and that I’m doing the right thing by maintaining NC. I guess I’m starting to feel real low and just beside myself about the whole thing. I’m sure this is no new feeling to anyone who’s actually gone through NC. I know I’m not a unique individual. I also know that it hasn’t even been four full days since we last talked. It just hurts because up until now, four days was the longest we’d gone, and I know today is going to roll by with nothing from him. Then it will have been five days, and I’ll feel even worse knowing a new record has been set.
I know this is like an addiction and I’m just getting him out of my system. I know NC is going to help me in the long run and it has the potential to get him back. I just don’t feel it in my bones. I feel scared and anxious and I want someone to calm me down and genuinely believe that things will work out with him…
My question about your situation is when is your meeting?
I’m not continuing to stay in limbo though, so I’m kind of confused as to why you’re implying that. I’m in NC with him right now. He chose to use the threat of a date as a way to manipulate me, so I’m choosing to not communicate with him. If he wants me and misses me, as I believe he does, he’ll fix it or he won’t. It’s not up to me at this point. I’ve done all that I can. I may be reading this wrong, but I don’t really appreciate the implication that I’m intentionally putting myself in a place of limbo. I have done all that I can at this point so far, more than he deserves, so I’m not the one causing or continuing the limbo.
Because I feel like my feelings have been made overly clear and that if he wants to be with up, he needs to step up and say so. It’s not my job to prompt him at this point or to have to repeatedly express that I love him/make that clearer to him. This, and the fact that we’ve not had any longer than 4 days of space (usually his own doing) and his comment about the date (even if I don’t believe him), don’t make me feel overly motivated to try and start a conversation. He’s just as capable of doing that as I am.
He generally lets me use his iPod and I haven’t seen anything in the past. However, last time we were in the car, he picked the music and just let it play. He’s done this before so it may not be a big deal, but he didn’t offer it up either. I’m probably reading into it too much. If he’d gotten Tinder recently, I assume his account would show signs of use and be set up. The only reason I can think of that it isn’t is ready to go and being used is because he set it up in the past, and then decided to delete it or not use it. I’m still paranoid now about not using his iPod last time we were together.
In terms of your situation, it is kind of hard to say. I don’t want to make you overly optimistic or get your hopes up, but at the same time, the fact that he’s been initiating things a lot, initiated this specific meeting, and is the main one trying to in contact makes me think good things. I would try to go into your meeting with a positive attitude and maybe some hope for good things, but not an expectation of them. Like I said, without more details, it’s hard for me to truly know. I do have a hard time thinking he’d be making that much effort for just a friend or something casual though.
“Like a few girls on his facebook and stuff like that. I won’t say that it’s not bother me right now at all. But it doesn’t bother me anymore as it was before.” THIS. I always feel so terrible in the moment, and then end up feeling better later. I wish I could just feel okay about seeing girls like his status or things like that immediately. I don’t want to overthink things or feel bad when I know in the big picture that they mean nothing and I do mean something.
“He probably downloaded it just to make himself feel like he’s moving on or something. ” and “Like you said he probably didn’t even use it.”
I’m almost 100% sure he didn’t use it, based on him not really having a profile set up and no matches. I’ve seen his best guy friend on there (through one of my girlfriend’s Tinders) and I can only assume he probably told my ex to try it or download it. Tinder is a really out of character type thing for my ex, so I can’t see him using it much or at all. When he’s given me car rides, I’ve also had access to/use of his iPod (he doesn’t have a smartphone) and I’ve never seen Tinder on there. I don’t feel like he’d let me use it if he had it and were trying to hide it.“Even if he goes on a date, it doesn’t mean that anything would come out of it. Even if he wants to find someone else, it’s not that easy forgetting the one you love and simply move on. And if he does that anyway, then it will be out of desperation or his love is just not strong enough to begin with it.”
This is what my counselor told me. I went in and saw her, as I’m actually in town for once so we didn’t have to talk on the phone, and explained everything that happened to her. I told her I wasn’t going to give her my opinion on anything, as I wanted her unbiased thoughts when I was done. I kid you not, word for word, we thought the EXACT same things. She says he’s jealous, he’s not thinking straight, and he’s using the idea of another girl to get me riled up. His MO is to outburst with hurtful things or things that will stick in my brain (needing to move out, breaking up, etc.) so this is just another instance of that. He’s saying he’s going on a date with another girl to get a rise out of me and to get a reaction so he can feel better and know I love him. She said more likely than not, he doesn’t even have a date, considering he hasn’t really had any opportunity to meet anyone. And she said if he does have a date, he’ll spend the entire time comparing the two of us and realize that no girl is like me. They may have some of my traits or similar interests to him, but no girl is going to be as spot on for him as I am. She even thinks this whole thing could be good, as either way, jealousy or him dating a girl who isn’t right for him will light a fire under him to fix things with me.“I think you should still have an honest talk with him, and if you see that it’s not the same for him then at least you can find closure and move on.”
At some point, I will do this. I almost guarantee it. For now though, I think NC is genuinely what I need. At least for the next couple weeks, probably the full month. The only exception to this is when I have to be courteous to him at work or if he flat out said he missed me and wanted to fix things and we needed to talk.And after checking his tinder (don’t lecture me on the morality of this, I feel guilty enough now as is and won’t be doing it again), I’ve seen that he doesn’t have a profile set up, all the photos are ones his account would default to, and he has no matches or messages. I can only assume he may have downloaded it and then never used it, or something like that.
Regardless, I could still use insight… Anyone?
So apparently he’s on Tinder now… All of my friends are saying that’s just a false way of trying to move on and kid himself into thinking he’s over me. Particularly because it’s so out of character for him. All the guys are saying they have no luck meeting girls or getting dates and so they find it really hard to believe he already found someone to go out with. Either way, I feel devastated and have no idea what to think or how to deal with this. What do I do?
I’m desperate for feedback of any kind, so if anyone has anything, PLEASE let me know.
We clearly need to have an honest talk, but at this point, it just feels so presumptuous for me to do anything other than take him at his word. Who am I to assume he’s just jealous and trying to make me feel the same, as opposed to really moving on or wanting to go on a date? Logically, it makes so much more sense to me that he wants me to feel as bad as he does or is acting irrationally, but I’m also biased. I want to still have hope.
Work was weird and awkward and hard. My overthinking probably made it more so. He spent a lot of time walking right by me, standing near me, glancing at me when he thought I couldn’t see, or briefly smiling at me. He asked me how I was, and thanked me profusely anytime I helped him with anything. He cracked a couple jokes and tried to get me to join in. But he also spent a lot of time not looking at me, avoiding eye contact, heading exactly where I was not, etc. It was so hot and cold.
Truthfully, he has done everything I’ve said. Including call me his girlfriend to someone he did NOT need to be talking about relationships with. He clearly wanted to. Yet, I still feel so shitty. I can only think of a handful of girls he has literally spent any time with since we broke up. One is another ex with a boyfriend that he left, so that’s not it. Two are fairly unattractive girls in his building, so it’s a possibility but seems unlikely to me. Two others are friends of his friend Spencer. Still a possibility, unless the date happened today, as they were out of town all day. I don’t know. There are just so many things that don’t add up if he’s really dating, but I’m terrified I’m hanging on to nothing or look crazy to all y’all. Do you genuinely think there’s still hope or feelings there if we manage to talk this out or try NC for real this time?
He knew my friend was in town as of Monday night, when he came over and Billy was there. He’d also known he was coming into town at some point, but had no clarity on when. Billy is a friend I’ve known since high school but he lives out of town and we haven’t seen each other in years. I was given no opportunity to make it clear that he’s only a friend and nothing more. Wednesday morning is when my ex asked me if I wanted to skydive and when he asked me when Billy was leaving. I told him that morning because I thought it’d be that morning, and it wasn’t. It ended up being Thursday morning. Wednesday evening, he was still happy and excited and texting me enthusiastically. Wednesday night is when things went south. He was excited about going skydiving until some point on Wednesday. He told me it was due to a bad night of tennis, but I don’t buy that. It makes no sense. The only thing I can figure is that maybe he walked/biked/longboarded by and still saw the car or he saw the blinds down but lights on and assumed the worst or knew he was home.
I don’t know if he’s gone on a date, if he’s going, who it is, etc. It could’ve been on his morning off today, tomorrow night, or there could literally be no date. I have zero idea. All I know is that from the circumstances we’ve been in, I have zero idea how he could have met anyone else, as he spends all his free time with me or his friend Spencer. I have no idea why he’d have freaked out Wednesday night and then spent the next couple days doing stuff with me and driving me to work if he already had a date planned or thought there was a possibility of one. And I don’t know why he’d tell me about the date, even if he felt bad after I got him a birthday gift and said happy birthday. He owes me nothing, from where we stand. It’s like he told me to get my attention. He followed my lack of response up with three more texts, including one that said he was just trying to do the right thing. In what reality does he owe me “the right thing”? And since when is texting me instead of telling me to my face “the right thing”? I could be insane and it may not be jealousy at all, but it makes no sense to me otherwise. He did show up out of the blue a couple times or insisted upon coming to my place to get stuff instead of me bringing the stuff to him. He and Billy were also potentially going to meet and play music sometime that week, and I never brought it up. There’s just nothing that makes sense to me if he were really over me or wanting to be dating but I’m terrified I’m just kidding myself and no one else sees it that way and that he really is going to move on now.
