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I don’t know all these details because they weren’t explicitly addressed in your prior posts. I only made a comment about him having to drive and come back over there because he specifically complained about that. Not because I pretend to have any idea as to how far apart you guys are.
You also certainly can change your mind. That being said, since you changed your mind, I stick by what I said. I think you need to let it go for now, and skip talking to him. If it was important enough to do it, it was important enough. If it wasn’t important enough, it wasn’t. It’s one, not both.
I completely understand that you don’t need to think about him right now. Hence me saying repeatedly that it’s time to start taking care of yourself and not think about him. Since you’re already upset and thinking I’m being hostile, I’m just going to flat out say that you’re entirely focusing on him and that it needs to stop. It is pointless right now and does nothing but hurt you more. I don’t want that for you. No one else here wants that for you. YOU don’t want that for you. It’s not easy and I won’t pretend it is. But it takes effort and you do have to put that in.
I may come across as harsh, but I’m just trying to be honest and that’s how you’re interpreting it. You talk about wanting to improve yourself and about wanting to turn your back on him, initiate no contact so maybe he’ll miss you, and then you go as far as calling him, blowing him off, begging us for answers we don’t have, etc. To me, that shows that getting back with him is more important to you at this point than taking care of yourself and I will flat out say it: you will never get him back if you can’t make yourself a priority first. I’m sure you and other people on this board will hate me for saying that, but it had to be thrown out.
I also find it really weird that you lash out and tell me that my situation is so good that of course I’m going to have an easy time being harsh. No, I’m going to have an easy time telling you the truth because it’s what you deserve and what you need if you want to have any hope of getting him back. If I were in your situation, I would want someone to be this blunt with me. I also find it super funny that you say my situation is good so I’m going to be harsh, considering yours was better just recently, and you didn’t speak like this. They’re not related to each other. My boyfriend left me just like yours. I’m struggling here too and I have to deal with the fact that he isn’t here either. I’m not more privileged than you, I haven’t gotten him back, and I haven’t gotten an easy time. Yet I’ve gone out of my way to try and help you and others, while also helping myself, so I have a chance of that working out. My situation isn’t good. It’s just different. You can’t hate me for that.
I don’t know what’s helpful and what’s not in the long run. I’m just trying really hard to play it cool and to not bug him until the point that we go to the movies. And hopefully from there, something more concrete starts to take shape. I’m not feeling overly optimistic, but we both know that’s just kind of how I am 😛
I don’t think you should suggest taking it slower or continuing to try but doing something differently. I think that if things are meant to work out, he will realize that in the long run and will come to this conclusion on his own. It doesn’t look desperate, persay, to suggest this but it’s not really your place to at this point. If this is what he’s saying he wants, you have to respect it.
I think NC really needs to occur for AT LEAST a month. In your case, after all this confusion, it probably needs to continue for longer. You need to keep to yourself until you’ve reached a point where you’re not dying to get him back or lonely without him. Only contact him once you feel like you can do so calmly and without a thought about getting back together.
Honestly, I think that if you told him you wanted to talk, it was kind of disrespectful to toy around with him and ask him to come to your area. You either wanted to talk or you didn’t, but that should’ve had nothing to do with whether or not he had more to say. It was either important enough for you to say what you had to say that he drive all the way back there and you be upfront with him, or it wasn’t important enough to merit contacting him. Sorry to be harsh, but this doesn’t fall somewhere in the middle. Asking him if he *wants* to talk to you is clearly a ploy to try and get him to say yes, and since he broke up with you and left it at that when he could’ve said more if he wanted to, it seems like a question that doesn’t really need to be asked.
I think you need to drop it and leave it alone for now. Go home, cry, eat a ton of ice cream, rant to us if you need, but don’t focus any more energy on him. For now, what’s done is done. That may change in the future, but it’s not going to change today.
Like I said, I really hate saying that because I don’t ever want anyone to lose hope and I want to give people as much support and help as I can. But in this case, I literally see nothing you can do besides give it time and your best thoughts. That and to really take care of yourself. You’ll never get over it and find someone better or you’ll never win him back if you don’t care of yourself and grow as a person. You’re way more special than he is, so it’s important to do that.
I know I do. I don’t even mind being by myself or not talking to him so much, as I know we need a break from each other sometimes and we’ll have time to talk later. I just hate how disingenuous it feels to have to act like someone I’m not just to try and make this work. I’m sure you know what I mean.
I’m not sure what more help we can give you when we’re all pretty much in agreement. I know this is hard and I don’t want to come off as callous like I know I did before when talking to you, but the best thing you can do to honestly have a chance is to start focusing on yourself, begin NC all over, and hope that he realizes he’s missing you and wants you still. I’m sorry, but that’s the harsh truth. There’s nothing else you can really do besides that, as like I said, there’s no magic fix for this. You can say you love him or offer to sleep with him if they’ll make you feel better in the long run, but I suspect they won’t. I could be wrong though. You do what you’ve got to do but know that at this point, I think the only thing you can really hope to do to win him back is to let it go and accept that if it’s meant to be, it will work out.
I know I probably ought to, seeing as he’ll need some time to think about it after I propose it most likely. I wish I could propose it and he’d know instantly he wants to try that, but that seems like getting my hopes up. I guess I’m just really sick of wanting to hug him or kiss him and not being able to, even though we’re practically dating. And I’m sick of being scared to ask him to stay longer or of wanting to text him but being afraid to look to desperate. I just want to be able to act how I want to act without messing things up.
I just ended up telling him that sounded good to me and my schedule is open on Monday. No response or anything from him, although like I said, there’s not much to respond to there. I’m just nervous about what to expect from this movie meet-up…
The truth of the matter is is that there’s probably not a whole lot of logic or sense behind this. It’s just how he feels and what he needs to do for himself right now. He obviously has some feelings because he’s kept you in his life and he tries to communicate, they just may not be the feelings you want, unfortunately. Nothing you did caused this. This is entirely on him, so beating yourself up won’t help. What will help is trying to just let this go for now. If you really feel the need to talk to him and tell him you love him, then do it. I don’t personally see the point or how it makes any difference now, as he clearly knows you do, but is choosing this path anyway. But you need to do what’s right for you, not what I would do. If you do talk, you need to start no contact after that. Full no contact. And you need to do it for yourself, not just to make him miss you. Hopefully, that will be something that goes along with no contact. But at this point, you need to take this for what it is as the moment and start trying to regroup to move on without him.
They are breaking up again and did have a long history. They were just starting over and trying to take things slow initially.
If you think that his mind will make excuses for everything you tell him, it probably will. That means his mind is made up and that for now, this is what has to happen. As I’ve said, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will be permanent. What it does mean is that begging, pleading, convincing, etc. are not going to help your case. You have to go NC and give him that time you talked about so he can discover whether or not he does still have feelings. If he does, then he’ll be in touch and you can work on it. If he doesn’t, then at least you know and can begin to heal.
I’m not sure articles are going to help at this point. Unfortunately, there’s no magic cure to get your ex back. I think in this case, you’re just going to have to start back at the very beginning and hope that NC brings both of you to a better place.
I’m curious as to how he responded to that. I know it’s been really hard for you, and don’t want to discredit that. But if you still really want to get him back, I don’t think lashing out or guilt tripping him is going to help. Others may disagree, but I personally would not have had that conversation with him. I would take a step back, breathe, and start NC again.
You did a good thing by just getting out of the car. It shows that you’re strong and you’re not going to beg and you’re worth more than what he’s giving you. You don’t need to necessarily give up, just as you didn’t before, but I think you probably need to go back to NC and a place of taking care of yourself. It’s so hard when you had all these plans and things scheduled, it makes it a lot worse because you think of all the things you’re missing. But you did absolutely nothing wrong. You didn’t mess up. He did. So take a deep breath, realize that again this might not be the end, but that if it is, you’re going to be just fine and we’re all here to support you.
