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@philthedrill
Ugh, two steps forward and one step back I’m afraid. She called me yesterday because she was worried and stressed about college starting soon. I think it hit her right away when she came home home from her vacation. So anyway I gave her advice and something still seemed to be bothering her so I asked her and she started bringing up us….
We both agreed that our situation was VERY complicated. She said she doesn’t want to hurt me anymore than she already has and that she hates hurting me. I told her what’s in the past is in the past and I made plenty of mistakes too. She then said she doesn’t want to hurt me again so I asked why she felt like she was going to hurt me again. She said because she is going to follow what God has planned for her and she can’t promise me a relationship and so on and so forth. It made me pretty upset but I didn’t show her that side of me in the moment and I just tried to comfort her. I told her I had my fears of getting hurt again and that her behavior sometimes worries me. Then she said again she just is unsure of where God is going to take her and that she doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. That was pretty much the end of our conversation because I was pretty upset and I didn’t want to say anything stupid (which I didn’t.)
It’s all just very frustrating! It feels like she’s using God as an excuse to go see if there’s a better option and if there’s not, I’m just a fallback. I don’t know how to tell her this without offending her. I want to just ignore her the next time she texts me but I know that’s not a smart idea but it’s hard to keep motivated when in limbo. I still have trust issues with her after our breakup and her saying things like she did doesn’t help the matters any. I love her so much and I know she still loves me a lot so I don’t know why she’s fighting it. Man this college thing is really getting to me, it makes me very nervous that she will find someone else… We went to a small school where everyone knew everyone. Now going to college and being and an attractive woman, this will be the first time in her life where she will have a lot of guys flirting/hitting on her. I’m afraid she will just leave me behind and go for the ‘greener grass.’ I understand this is very insecure of me and I’m trying to work on it but it’s a legitimate fear I have and I want to bring it up with her but again probably not a smart idea.
I feel myself falling hard for her again and I’ve been getting my hopes up too high and now I may be paying it! Grr, this is all so frustrating. Thanks for letting me vent fill and for the great advice you will probably give me lol
@S.H
Just read through your thread, and wow I can only imagine what your feeling! I see Patricia give a lot of great advice on these boards and I have a ton of respect for her! However, I must respectfully disagree with her assessment and last piece of advice. But first off let me tell you to not get your hopes up.
The pattern of behavior your ex is showing is so similar to mine, it’s a little scary. She is the nicest, most kind hearted person I have ever met but at the time during our breakup she was very cruel. After a little begging in my part we started NC and did that for 28 days. She didn’t call or text me once, I was heartbroken. When we finally did start to talk she insisted she just wanted to be friends for nearly a month. About a month ago now she finally opened up to me and said she still loves me but doesn’t want to be in a relationship now.
If the relationship meant anything to her, she hasn’t completely moved on and doesn’t want to be ‘just friends’. Now, this doesn’t mean she wants to or will want to get back together in the future, but at this point all hope is not lost. I would follow others advice on here and immediately start NC once again, you both need time. Improve yourself, get stronger. Continue working on the issues that have plagued you and your relationship. You can do it!
However, after everything I’ve just said, you must understand the outcome of all this may not be reconciliation. She may just want to be friends and if you can accept that, continue on with my advice. If you cannot get over her and still ‘need’ a relationship with her and not just ‘want’ a relationship with her, follow Patricia’s advice. If you ‘need’ her you will only end up getting more hurt in the long run.
You have a long road in front of you, but it is not impossible. The day you give up hope, is the day you have no chance. It is up to you if you want to continue to fight through adversity. There is a day where that attitude would be hurtful more than helpful but IMO that day is not today.
Yeah I’m glad things are going my way right now too but I must remember that ba times so I can truly enjoy the good and not make the same mistakes. I still have a long way to go, we are far from back together. Even if/when we get back together there aren’t any garauntees it will stay that way. This is the girl I once, and still do dream of marrying. I have a long long way to go to get to that point (not to mention I’m way too young). Nonetheless, humility is a great virtue in all aspects of life, so I must remain humble.
Indeed, the our wants and desires can be strange at times, can’t they?
You’re a smart man Phil, everything you’ve told me so far has been spot on. Your advice has been great for me and gotten me through some rough moments, thank you
I wouldn’t necessarily put a time frame on the NC. You just need to do it for as long as it takes for you to self-improve and to recover. It may be 6 weeks, it may be 6 months. You’ll know when you are ready. Stay positive!
Amy, I originally did NC for a month (it was before that other post and I didn’t after I made that post), I think it was 28 days to be exact. She didn’t contact me at all during that time. It made me feel awful, I thought she had moved. It took her another couple of months after NC for her to open up to me again and share her true feelings about me again. We’ve still only seen each other once since our breakup. So did it work? The short answer is yes. I improved myself, and truly got rid of some of my flaws. Did she just come jumping back in my arms after NC? No, but we seem to be heading down the right path.
NC is great if you actually take the time to improve yourself. If you do it as some magically cute to get your ex back, that’s not good. I would suggest NC for at least a month. Improve yourself, gain confidence! Know that you are a good person and that you deserve better treatment than what you got!
I actually meant your ex is more extreme than I was lol. But that doesn’t mean she can’t change.
I like the ball idea and I think I will ask her to go on a picnic. I can’t ask her to do it this weekend though because I had something come up, I have to help my brother in law move. But things seem to keep getting better and better with her, I can tell she really misses me. She’s texted me the last couple of nights checking up on me even though she’s on vacation with her friends. She probably wouldn’t have done that even when we were still together! She still doesn’t seem to want to talk on the phone with me all that much which kind of sucks but we didn’t do that much when we dated because we basically saw each other every day until I went to college. I guess I just hope she will want to go out on a ‘date’ with me lol.
I know it drives you crazy but try not to think about it.
If you could skim through my thread and offer any advice I would really appreciate as well. It’s pretty long so I know you probably won’t read it all but anyway here’s the thread: https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/nc-questionsadvicesupport/
If you want to contact him before he leaves for your peace of mind you can but I would prepare for it as if it was the last time you are ever going to talk to him. That is probably the most likely outcome. If you can, tough it out until he gets back unless he contacts you.
There’s nothing wrong with being hopeful! If you truly love him, hope with all your heart! There’s no harm in it until you know for sure he’s moved on which hasn’t happened yet. Hope is a powerful thing.
That’s a tough one for me to answer because I’m not on social media really (lame I know). But my best advice would be to stay off of it as much as possible, seeing him on will only have negative effects on you. I don’t think it will be wise for you to reach out to him about it right now, just give him space. Clearly that’s what he wants/needs. If down the road, maybe a month or 6 weeks, he still hasn’t changed it then maybe approach him about it. For now I would just leave it.
Yeah, I’m sure you did all you could. That’s all you can do, the rest is up to her. Your ex does sound a bit like I used to be but more extreme, when stuff would happen to me I’d shut people out as well. It took me awhile to figure I needed to let myself be comforted and helped. It’s up to her to figure that out, maybe she will maybe she won’t.
I guess I was also thinking about having a picnic at the park. It’s something we haven’t done but I’m not sure if that’s too datelike. I’ve also thought of just mentioning to her we should meet up this weekend and see if she suggests anything. It would also give me a feel for just how much she wants to meet me.
Yeah, if you say something you might regret maybe it’s not such a great idea. But in a way it’s not good to keep it in either because it will just eat you up on the inside. So I’m not sure what advice to give lol.
I haven’t really decided where to take her yet. We live in tiny towns close to each other with nothing in them and about 10 miles away there is a town with about 7,000 people and the only things there are a zoo, movie theater, pool, bowling alley and few restaurants (only two of which are actually like sit down places, the others are all fast food). The next place with more options would be like an hour away and that would be awkward for both of us so that’s out of the question. There’s one place to eat in town that we both like and used to go to a lot but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to go there since that was kind of our go-to place when we were dating so I don’t want to throw up any red flags. At my place we have a pool table and we played quite a bit when we were together and she seemed to enjoy it but I’m guessing it would be uncomfortable for her to come over (although I think she might say yes anyway.) so I’m really not sure lol. But I have a few days to think about it, she gets back this Thursday. I was thinking about asking her to do something Saturday, any thoughts?
Hi Amy, you’re situation sounds very similar to mine. I know what it’s like to feel blindsided and abandoned but you meet to stay strong. I skimmed through the other topics on your profile and 3 months NC seemed to do wonders for you before so maybe that’s what you should start with now and go from there. It will allow you time to heal and gain your confidence back again and him (hopefully) time to grow up and figure his life out.
Best wishes!
Perhaps I do have a better chance than you do but there’s always hope. If you’re going to give her stuff back after she gets back and are content with whatever happens I would at least tell her how you truly feel. Give it one last ‘hurrah’ and let it all out. It doesn’t have to be dramatic or anything, just be honest. Tell her the good and the bad. At least that’s my advice anyway.
Thanks for the support! It is very exciting, however, I must stay humble. I have to remember the mistakes I have made as well and continue improving myself. Even if I think what she did was wrong, I must admit my mistakes too. It would be foolish of me to blame our downfall all on her. I contributed too.
As exciting as this is, I must also remember there is still a long way to go and anything can happen. I will remain positive but realize the desired outcome may not happen.
Nonetheless, it is a great confidence boost for me and I think I will ask her to meet up when she gets back from her mini vacation. This has renewed my strength and courage to keep fighting!
