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Poor you, you are now getting slightly different advice from us! I would say though – seriously try not to come across as needy. I wouldn’t even buy her the expensive bangles – its too much in my view. I think if you have said you are serious about marriage and children, then you have said your piece. It is important she understands you are serious about that, as I agree with Elanna – I have been there with a man that won’t commit to those things and ultimately as a woman you give up feeling very hurt and betrayed. I do think you need to act a little cool though at the same time – you need to see yourself as high value – so then she sees you as high value. It doesn’t feel like you are ready to give up, so maybe set out one last plan and say to yourself, if this doesn’t work then so be it. And that plan could include some NC till her birthday, followed by a casual reconnection. If this one last period of trying doesn’t work, then yes, it may be time to move on. Take on board everything you have learnt and be optimistic that it will be good for the next relationship. But if you want one last shot at NC followed by reconnection, then I don’t see harm in it. The good thing about NC, is you don’t have to agonise about anything – what to say or do, you just get on with life 🙂 So I hope you can enjoy that and when November comes, then some agonising begins again – but for the last time, whatever the outcome. Fingers crossed, have strength my friend
One more thing – if she won’t meet up – then your last option is the letter. And, in that letter its important not to come across as needy, but I do think somehow it would be good to say that you are ready for marriage and children, now the divorce is long in the past. (But only if you are ready for these things with her of course!). Good luck
Hi kalicooldude,
I wrote my comment above before your longer message as it took a while for my first comments to be moderated. So I see now that you are now divorced. I’m going to be honest because I want to help you – I think some of your earlier actions may have come across as needy. But you probably realise that now. I think offering to give up your religion and family when you are not actually in the relationship comes across as “I’d do anything for you” which feels a bit desperate (sorry). But that was mostly last year so that’s the good thing. And she did agree to meet up with you sometimes (I’m not sure if that was last year or this year – as you say its been only email since Dec 14 and things seem to have gone colder).
You’ve had NC now for 40 days. My view would be to go a bit longer – hopefully she will start to wonder if you have really moved on. BUT!!!! I still think the only way you will win her back is by showing her you are ready commitment. Its why she left. It doesn’t sound like she left because you weren’t going to the gym or because of religion. She wanted marriage and children with you – but you weren’t looking serious about these things when you were together – and I am not sure if in all your efforts since the break up if you have offered marriage and children to her?
So my view – wait a bit more, try to calm down and enjoy life as much as you can so that you are as positive about your own life as you can be, then reach out to her, see if she will meet up. During that meet up – I would say to her that you are ready for marriage and children now. But not in a needy “I will do anything for you” way – just in a very honest and calm way. And you don’t even need to infer that you are ready for these things with her – just that you are ready, now the divorce is over, this is what you want and you are feeling really positive about finding it. It will prick her ears up believe me. Especially if you are in your 30s? she is probably not very happy that she spent so long asking for this and “wasted” valuable time – sorry its how women think. So to come back to you, she would need to see you are in this place – and its not just you saying things to win her back (that’s why I think saying it as a general statement of where you are at in your life is better than directly offering her marriage or children). Its my view as a woman. Though you know her and your situation of course better and you can only do what you feel comfortable with. I wish you well and that she sees sense 🙂Is the main reason you two broke up because you couldn’t commit to her and get married? Even if you have an ex-wife, surely you could divorce her and ask your recent ex to marry you? As a woman that has faced a non committal boyfriend, I speak from experience. If the reason you broke up was lack of commitment, then I think only commitment will win her back – given a year has passed, I think you are beyond NC and games. If you truly want her back, you need to show her you are serious. A friend of mine was in a relationship with someone that has an ex-wife – they nearly broke up because he was dragging his feet on the divorce – she did no contact and he then quickly got on with the divorce – that was the only thing that was going to win her back. If it wasn’t the lack of commitment, then I think we need to understand more about what caused the split.
Whether or not it is too late for NC, you don’t really have much choice. My view is that because the relationship was 4.5 years, it isn’t too late. Deep rooted feelings take a long time to disappear. So that lengthens the healing process and lengthens the missing you phase – meaning it may be more likely to reconcile after a longer time apart. But I don’t think you should see NC as a route to winning him back – because that is what happened last time and you still came across as wanting him back desperately. So you need to genuinely do NC which means – you do it for yourself, rebuild your life. The best thing to do is to mainly assume he isn’t coming back, even though part of you thinks he might, I would recommend you try to put that to one side. Have as much fun as possible – life is for living. Then once you feel in a better place yourself (which may take 2-3 months), then you may be able to reconnect. But if / when you do, try to be cool – he must see that you are doing fine without him – he must feel like he might have really lost you. The problem with the date that wasn’t a date was he knew he it was there on offer – he knew you would wait for him at least until the date. Now he needs to feel like he has really lost you – or at least that there is a definite risk of that. This is my view. Good luck, try to enjoy NC (its a chance to get out there and enjoy some dating and flirting if nothing else!).
