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Totally agree with Malinda – try to go no contact and live your life as a single person as best you can. If you were together 3 years and engaged, then he isn’t finding the break up easy either – we all think that but its hard on both sides. If you keep up with contact, you make it easier on him to gradually ease away – if you stop the contact its more likely to make him realise what he is missing out on. Hope things work out for you
I am sure you will pick yourself up again soon – soon it will be a new year and a fresh start for you. You are not alone in what has happened here and you do deserve more than this man gave to you. At least you have had the strength to see his words for what they are now – you have been very strong the past few weeks and very smart to understand what has happened. Take heart that he did love you – I think these kind of people do fall in love – they are just really quite insecure – always needing their partner to chase them, not trusting in love enough to give themselves to the relationship. Warm wishes to you
Malinda, another poster put this article on his comment. Its worth you reading in case you see any resemblance. It made me think….
Relationship Stages with a Narcissist or Borderline and Triangulation
Malinda, I’m so sorry to read that you are going through this. From what you say, I do think he loved you. It sounds like he is a commitment phobe. Its a similar situation to my ex over the past few years. (Though our current split is not due to him being a commitment phobe – possibly its driven out of the insecurities i had because he was a commitment phobe, see below). I don’t know the correct advice I am afraid as it would seem he does love you and would give it another go. But if he is a commitment phobe, how do you prevent another break up again and how do you prevent the insecurities or resentment creeping in on your side. Each time he hurts you, I think it eats away at the trust and love (even if subconsciously). I think the only answer is if they truly believe they have lost you through a very long period of NC (several months at least) or through you meeting someone else. And that they commit before it has built up any resentment in you. I think often a commitment phobe will only realise he is prepared to commit when it is too late – and its sadly their loss as much as their partners’.
In case its useful, what happened in my scenario is this – we were together on and off for just over 3 years. During that time we had a couple of break ups – mainly because he was a commitment phobe – no relationship problems at all. The last break up, he won me back by making a full commitment to me – living together, agreeing to have children. So we got back together but none of these things seemed to materialise in the following few months. So I would get stressie with him and say it must all come through or its over. So he would do them (we moved in together) – but it was all so reluctant. So I ended up resenting him and we found ourselves in a vicious circle of negativity. We mutually split in March / April. He moved out. I regretted acting so miserably the past year and asked him if we could sort it out. He said no. I went no contact for several months. Then he reconnected about the admin of our apartment. I tried to be friends with him to rebuild the trust – seemed pointless as he just wants to talk about admin. He isnt really interested in even having a lunch or dinner together. Now I have given up. At long last. I know that he did love me – it took him a long time but he was genuinely in love with me. And I with him. But now he feels hurt by my behaviour during the last year and that’s why he wont consider coming back. So that’s why its important for you – that it doesn’t go on so long that your resentment builds.
Sorry if that was a bit of a ramble, I hope it helps. Good luck with the path you choose.Thanks Kali – in my relationship there was fault on both sides – him initially and then me. I find it too painful to keep hoping now when I get nothing back. He only contacts me on our admin that we need to sort out. If he comes to me and asks to talk or even just to spend time with me, yes I would. But I am living my life for me, not waiting any more nor hoping nor even trying to build a friendship. There is only so much you can take. For you, its hard to know where your ex’s head is at – she seems to initiate contact with you now which I had thought was a small step forward after the long no contact. If you can bear it, it seems worth trying to gradually increase the contact and time spent with each other. My slight concern for you is that it has been a long time and you have tried quite a lot – lots of NC, lots of small gestures – and you are divorced now which removes what was a major stumbling block in your relationship. So I am not sure why she isn’t coming around a bit more. It may be as Elana says – she needs to be really convinced. But its so long 🙁
Hi Kalicooldude
Great to hear from you – does it sound strange to say that I was wondering if she contacted you on your birthday (given we have never met)?!!! I think this is a really positive sign that she is open to more contact with you. I get how difficult it is though with things taking so long, I have had some contact with my ex the past few weeks but he seems so distant, so I have given up. Maybe I have given up too easily, in reading your story! I do think for you, the recent contact is a big positive sign – if you really don’t want someone in your life you wouldn’t have this kind of contact (some of it has been initiated by her – that’s the major plus). I think you should keep doing what you are doing – steadily rebuild the trust. Fingers crossed for you and Merry Christmas!
AnthYour husband and his new woman are in the honeymoon phase – all romances feel all encompassing in the first few months. I would work on yourself, try not to show emotion, back away and get on with rebuilding your life. But I don’t discount that he might come back some time – its not going to be immediately – but once their flaws (everyone has them) become more apparent, they might not be so loved up. It is about you right now though – just try to focus on you and the children. Also – if you know why you two were so unhappy, its worth trying to fix your side of it. I hope things turn out well for you
Hi Kali, my heart goes out to you. Although she accepted the small gifts, and I think there probably are still feelings there, it looks like she is firm in her position that she doesn’t want to reconcile. I hope she does at least wish you happy birthday in a couple of weeks time. Warm wishes for your future
If you do write back, keep it light. Perhaps you could meet for a coffee and suss out if she is still seeing this guy – without blatantly asking (you would know by finding out what she’s been up to socially). I would leave it another day or two though, best not to look too keen. I think you are correct though that you don’t want a friendship again – and its worth mentioning that on about the 3rd or 4th time you would see her (not right away, its a bit scary and off-putting).
Hi Kali
I’m sorry to hear this. Its still quite soon though – perhaps give it a few days and see if she responds. Then maybe the absolute last ditch effort – send the bangles but make it clear its a goodbye thing – you bought them ages ago, not sure what to do with them so figure she may as well have them as a memento of you. Wish her well in her life. Make it clear you are disappearing. Then I’m afraid, you need to assume you wont hear from her, and move on. There is 1% chance she might respond to the message but really its your sign to yourself that its over.
I’m so sorry Kali. I thought redvelvet’s response was useful – its a reminder that the other side can feel very differently about things to us. I think we are both in this situation. I am starting to move on to be honest – I don’t come on this site so much any more, I’m focussing on my life, as I know you are too. I miss my ex less (though writing that makes me feel a bit sad – he really is slipping away 🙁 Kali, we’ll find new partners because we are genuine, warm people – and we have learnt by our past relationships. Warm wishes for youI wrote my message above before seeing your latest message. The 1hr phone call at bedtime to help relax her is very lovely – these kind of things help rebuild the intimacy. Good night!
Yes you are right – you have made your feelings known – that you want a physical relationship and so if she was not intending for the physical things ever then she would have reduced the contact with you. She clearly cares about you and would not intentionally hurt you. I wonder though if she will ever be able to get through this unless she gets some therapy – I wonder have you mentioned would she like to get some therapy? I don’t know if that would feel right for your dynamic, but it might help her. In any case, she is very lucky to have a close friend / partner like you – willing to be patient and kind to her. And it does sound as though she is becoming more comfortable (the yoga story is great!) so hopefully it will naturally become more physical 🙂
This is really lovely, man from finland! I do worry about whether this will progress from being really close friends to a romantic relationship – does she see you like a brother or close friend rather than a long term partner? The conversation earlier that said she doesn’t know how long she needs and what if it takes years – how do you read that? I know you are trying to be positive, and I think that is the right thing to do. And I don’t mean to sound negative, the relationship you have with this girl does sound wonderful – especially the good morning texts 🙂 I just wonder if at some point, you need to say that you would like to see progress on the physical side – even if that means she would seek help from a therapist. It is better for her too if she can move towards a physical relationship as well and I just wonder if she is scared – but helping her become less scared, face her fears, might actually bring you even closer together. I cant remember her back story (why she doesn’t want to get physical, I think it was related to bad relationships after you two broke up originally). Warm wishes this does develop 🙂
Your plans sound good. I agree on the fake friendship thing – I read on this site quite a lot of people that have developed a fake friendship and then get hurt when it doesn’t turn into anything more. Even if it worked, I don’t know if I could do it myself – it must be incredibly difficult. Though there are probably particular situations when it helps open the door I guess – if communication is proving hard to rebuild, then faking friendship is one way to do it.
For me – I don’t have any updates really. I think I probably need to devise a plan – a point at which I make contact. But really I think it is over for me and my ex so I’m mainly focussed on moving on. I think I am hesitant to restart contact because it will just make it clear that it really is over – also because I’m not sure on my approach – try to build a friendship or what. The thing is, you can’t really devise a full plan as such, because things happen in real time and you have to gauge each step based on their reaction to things. Oh, its so tough!
I don’t come on here so much any more (maybe that is a small positive sign) – but I will look out for your messages if you make any over the coming weeks. I really hope it works out for you – she was keen to marry you once and that means she sees in you the qualities she is looking for in a life partner.
All the best
