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Kali
This lady is not right for you. She has played terribly with your feelings. You deserve so much better than this – you are a very romantic guy and not at all hopeless. The story you tell is unbelievable (but I do believe you) – to suggest that you two might after all this time be getting married and then plan to marry someone else just because you didn’t buy the ring on the day. I really hope you can cut this lady out of your life completely and start again afresh.
You will find happiness again, I know you will. You are a kind and loving person
Warm wishes
AnthHi Kali 🙂
Its been a while! I am confused by your latest update – was she intending on marrying you? and then switched and is now marrying someone else? or was she just shopping for rings / dresses with you while being engaged to someone else?
All I can say Kali is – I understand how you feel, but you do need to rebuild your life without this lady at the focal point of it. She may come back one day – and there is nothing wrong with harbouring some hope even for years. But please don’t let this rule your life. You may be missing out on some great happiness.
My situation …. I still miss my ex after over 18 months, I still love him. I see him occasionally for a few admin things we have and seeing him just makes me feel warmer to him. But I realise we aren’t meant to be together. There were some things that just were not right in the relationship. In some ways I should be thankful to him for being strong in not coming back to me. He has now been with someone new for almost a year I think. He seems happy. But I know he sometimes wonders about the future with me that he has given up. I can see this from sometimes his reactions or body language. But I also know he will not come back – at least not any time soon. He needs to explore this new relationship. If in years to come he decides he wants to spend his life with me and make the right compromises, well then maybe it will be too late (I might be committed to someone else), maybe it will be good timing. But I have to build my new life without him and if there is any remote chance of a reconciliation ever – it has to be driven by him because otherwise it will not work – he will not make the right compromises every relationship needs. I am kind to him when I see him but I respect his space, his new relationship etc
So similar is the case for you I feel. You need to let go a little – try to move on, even if you will always harbour some love for her and some hope – you can achieve “moving on”. I know my ex still loves me – I know it doesn’t disappear – but he has moved on and rebuilt his life. And I am starting to, yes even though I love him and miss him. I think for you it might be better not to see this lady for a while because she seems to be treating you unfairly. I wonder if she enjoys playing with your emotions. Its messing with your life Kali – you broke up over 2 years ago now and one minute she doesn’t want to talk to you and the next you are shopping for engagement rings. Its very confusing for all involved. Kali, you may *always* love her – and that is OK – more than OK its wonderful – but it doesn’t mean you should be together and it doesn’t mean you cant be happy with someone else. The old saying is that if you love someone, let them go. I see my “letting go” of my ex as my ultimate gift to him – to help him find happiness. One day he may return but I’m not waiting any more. What will be will be.
Sorry for the long post – my heart goes out to you Kali. Be strong, be happy
xHi Kali
How are you? I am hoping you are dating the other girl that was keen on you? 🙂 I think it is a wise move that we must move on. Ironically I came on here because I was dating someone new and I think it isn’t working out – but it has made me completely get over my ex. I am thinking about the new one and rarely think about my ex! So finally finally, I feel I am TRULY over my ex – it happened in stages but overall I guess it took over a year. I still have a massive soft spot for him (occasionally we still see each other as we still are shared assets) but I don’t feel like I want to be with him any more.
Having said that, I do feel that sometimes couples get back together years and years later. I don’t want that – I am not hoping for it. But for other people out there, it can happen. The important thing though is to move on in the mean time – live life, meet a new partner. That way you can really see what life has to offer and what you want out in a relationship.
Kali, warm wishes to you
AnthYou see this gives us all hope – after you split from your wife you never thought you would fall in love again – yet you did. This is encouraging. I think we all feel that we just wont feel love like that again. But people do (that hurts writing that because it means he will, or has already even – but it also means hopefully you and I will again). Good luck to you dear Kali, keep us in the loop, I will try to look out for you in the coming days / weeks. Be strong in the chat with the ex, you are a person of high value and you have someone already in love with you and wanting to be with you.
Just get it done – I would message the ex to suggest a meet up and chat about things (preferably not Valentines day). If she says no – you could suggest that its important a few things are spoken about once and for all. If she still says no – move on with the new girl and don’t look back, in my view. Really try not to let it drag on. I am so so pleased for you – I am dating someone new but for me it just makes things worse. I have given up on my ex, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think about him and wish I was with him. But I realise I have done everything myself too and there is nothing more I can do but try to rebuild my life without him and move on 🙁 I don’t know, do you think we will ever completely move on Kali? Is it possible it will always be lurking there – the one that got away so to speak. Sometimes it feels like even with all this time it doesn’t go away. Sorry, don’t mean to bring you down! Your new love interest will help greatly!
Hi Kali
I haven’t been on here so much lately so I have just seen your updates. I am so pleased that you are starting to move on from this lady – you have tried everything and waited a long time. She is not being fair to you at all – and even if she said yes to a reconciliation – is this really the woman you want to be with for your life? (I know your answer would be yes, but think about that please!) She has played games really the last 18 months – OK she is struggling to come to terms with things – but so are most of us on this site and we don’t behave the way she has. Sorry if this sounds strong.
My suggestion is – have one grown up conversation with her – no games, just straight forward honest talking – and say that to her because you don’t want her to play games. I suggest DO NOT do this on valentines weekend – its inappropriate. If there is never going to be a reconciliation, if she says no – throw yourself into the relationship with the new girl and avoid any contact with the ex (its likely she will chase you for a bit, but its a game, like she has been doing the past X months – only participate in communication if its grown up conversation (ie reconciliation and marriage – nothing about why didn’t you go the gym years ago). I suggest having the conversation with the ex because I think you will wonder “what if” if you don’t – and that could mess with the new relationship. If the ex does not even want a conversation, well then there is your answer without even having to have the conversation.
I am pleased this is coming to a point where it will conclude – I have feared for your happiness Kali – I just don’t know how you have survived 18months of heartache and pain and false hope. It really is time for you to climb out of the situation you are in one way or another
Good luck Kali, thoughts are with you
AnthI think this is good. You waited a few weeks and your text is light. It may take her a while to respond so try not to get upset that its been a week since you sent it. Hold yourself back from any more texts at this stage
I just re-read some of your back story – did you mention the one last letter in your text? It is better to treat any communication casually at this stage I think, lighthearted. So she can reconnect without worrying about things getting heavy (which you’ll notice is the essence of her text about the roadtrip memory – those kind of texts are absolutely the best).
At least you waited over a week (assuming you sent it recently). I don’t think her not replying immediately is necessarily a bad sign – but you do need to leave it now, go NC.
I think you should try to build a friendship for a while. I think she just needs to rebuild the trust and see that you are genuine and have worked on yourself. So take it easy. I think after 7 months and the most recent 1 month NC, its ok now to get back in touch and suggest a coffee. On this coffee though, don’t bring up the past or anything too heavy. She might back off again. But if you take it slowly rebuilding the trust gradually, I think she might come around. Good luck
The only problem with an email though, is the main objective here is to ask her what may or may not happen – where she stands. I think Kali has said everything imaginable that he wants to say over the last 18 months and also done a lot of NC, so its about understanding really where she is at. Kali, I hope you are doing ok.
Hi Kali, I hope my previous message didn’t sound too negative. I actually think there is some hope for you – because she is in contact with you and, from what you say in your last message here, she still sounds hurt from the relationship (that is better than being indifferent). I just think you need to chat though to find out where you are both at. Enough is enough with tormenting you with “why didn’t you do this in the relationship” – the important thing is that you are doing these things now (and have been consistently the past year – proving they are not a whim). Sending you positive thoughts 🙂
Hi Kali
Happy New Year to you! I have thought a little about your situation. I think it has been going on so long, perhaps it is time that it goes one way or the other for good. Perhaps it is worth having a phone conversation saying that you can’t do this any more (seeing her) because you still have feelings for her. So you either would like to make some progress towards a relationship again or cut contact for good. We just don’t know how this would go – but I think for your own life, it needs to move one way or the other. I feel for you caught up in the hope and rejection cycle for 18 months now. If she is punishing you then its gone on too long and she is being cruel (I struggle with believing this scenario, as she loved you). If she is testing how committed you are, then surely you have proven this by now and talking with her would take it on to the next level. If she just isn’t sure, then it is time she decides and talking with her may help that. If she does not want to reconcile but quite likes occasionally seeing you then you will keep getting hurt and never reconcile anyway. In any of these scenarios, you are better of saying to her that it needs to move one way or the other. You need to be prepared to cut the contact for good. But if you talk with her and she says she has not interest in reconciling, then cutting contact is the best thing to do – and it is better to find this out now than another 6 or 12 months of hurt.
You have tried everything – apologies and promise of commitment, followed by months of NC, casual reconciliation.
Its just my view of course and only you know how the situation is and whether there is any increase in affection / warmth from her.
I wish you much happiness for 2016By the way, for what its worth – her sending that text to you, I think means the door is a jar open on your relationship. But she would need, over time, to see that you have made the changes she was referring to. It would take a while to rebuild the trust / bond, but its possible. Just don’t rush it. If she wanted you out of her life, she wouldn’t have sent such a nice text so many months after the break up.
I dont think you should respond specifically to that text, as she asked you not to. I think you should leave it a bit longer (another few weeks in my view), then send a casual friendly text. If it feels odd not referring to her text, you could add something like – I didn’t respond to your text because you asked me not to, but yes I remember that trip well and it makes me smile too 🙂 She asked you to make some changes just after the break up – so if you can subtley bring up that you are making those changes without explicitly saying that, it would be good e.g. Got to dash as I have a new job / am going to the gym / have a Spanish class (or whatever) but it would be great to hear from you and what you’ve been up to
