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@amcee, since he said he would ‘have a think about what I had said and get in touch’, is that really suggestive of a big ego?
Knowing his personality, I think it would backfire. I know he wants a ‘nice, loving, caring’ girlfriend, and sending that would probably make him angry.
Seeing as the reason for breaking up is trust issues, I don’t think it would go down well.
Thank you for your advice anyway @amcee
Hi amcee,
3 weeks after the break up (8 weeks ago) I told him I was moving on with my life and wasn’t going to wait around. I told him to contact me if he wanted me. He contacted me 2 weeks later to see how I was doing, not for reconciliation. He missed me but didn’t want me or come back to me.
If I sent a text saying I wouldn’t be a slave to his ego anymore, wouldn’t the same thing happen?
I want to be completely sure before I send it that it wouldn’t backfire.
I’ve given him 10 weeks of space, now I’m giving him another week of space 🙁 Don’t understand why he needs another week unless I said something on Sunday that he didn’t already know before.
No, he wasn’t controlling whether I had friends or not once we had broken up. The reason I told him my uni friends were platonic was so that he would feel more comfortable/more likely to want to be with me again.
I think when he said ‘if we got back together I would be telling myself it’s ok for you to treat me however you like’, he meant based on our past relationship. He probably means he shouldn’t enter a new relationship with me out of self-respect based on the old relationship.
I was thinking last night, would someone really be that cruel to tell you it’s over for good 2-3 days before Christmas? He seemed sure he would be in touch with a decision before Christmas.
If he was genuinely unsure of what his decision would be, wouldn’t he just say he’d be in touch after Christmas (since he knows I’m still at home after Christmas to talk to)? If I was in his shoes and genuinely unsure, that’s what I would have done.
Hey, thanks for taking the time to read my long post.
He broke up with me because ‘the trust had gone’.
We had only spoken twice over the past 10 weeks since we had last seen each other, both of which were fun conversations. We went for coffee on Saturday, which he first initiated 3 weeks ago (said perhaps we should talk when you come home for Christmas) so I checked if he would still like to 3 weeks later when I got home (Saturday last week, we had been in no contact for those 3 weeks), and he said yes. We had a fun friendly conversation for 2 hours which he said he enjoyed, said it was great to see the changes I had made and how I was doing well. He said he wanted to drive me home, so he did, it was when we pulled up outside my house that the kissing and hugging etc happened.
The following day, I texted him and asked if he would like to cook dinner together sometime or watch a film together, he sent a text saying: ‘It was lovely to see you yesterday and to see you are doing well in yourself and at university. I don’t think we should get back together, I’m very sorry’. He said ‘I’ve been reflecting on it, if we got back together I would be telling myself it’s ok for you to treat me however you like’. I didn’t beg, cry, or scream, I said trust can be rebuilt, said I wanted to give him his book back and had something I wanted to say, and asked him to meet me inbetween our houses. Then the talk about the relationship/break-up happened (the long post I posted earlier). After the relationship talk he said he was going to think.
Haha I thought I was the only one who puts phones in wardrobes.
During no contact I have focused on my studies, worked hard on assignments, got back into drawing, formed stronger bonds with my flatmates, socialized more with friends, listened to loads of music. I also had a photoshoot done, posted it on social media and I don’t drink as often as I did when I was with him. I’ve realised how much I have to offer a person (my ex even said this 2 weeks after the break-up to make things worse haha). Still doesn’t want to be with me though 😛
I meant I would burn gifts he had given me, not burn his stuff!!
Did you read the long post I posted? Where are you from? The timezone on this website confuses me sometimes haha.
If she responded positively last time you spoke to her 2 weeks ago, then I think it is safe to contact her. If not, I would wait a week or two.
Sorry, this is kind of long……The main worries I have is that he thinks I wouldn’t treat him well and that the trust is gone. There were several issues in the relationship which ultimately led to its end:
1) I broke up with him 3 times without meaning it and it hurt him
2) The incident with the guy who took advantage of me in his car – told him I had a boyfriend beforehand and wanted nothing more than friendship, he promised not to make a move on me but did regardless once I got into his car, drove to a remote location and abused me
3) The incident with the guy at work who tried to kiss me – told him I had a boyfriend first time I ever spoke to him and that I was looking for nothing more than friendship, met up with him a few times outside of work to talk about computer games and music, tried to kiss me in the staff room but I pushed him away, blocked him, never spoke to him again, told my ex the same night it happenedHe said he didn’t think we should get back together the day after a passionate coffee meet-up, I didn’t beg, I just told him trust can be rebuilt in small steps, I wanted to give him his book back and had something I wanted to say.
He came to meet me. I said I had already sent him a list of my solutions to trust issues (3 weeks ago), he said ‘yeah, you did send me a long message’ and looked annoyed. I told my ex that he ruled my world when we were together, he said I ruled his too. He said he would have done anything for me and thinks he ‘gave me too much’. I said I would have done anything for him and still would. I told him I think we rushed into things and skipped the dating stage, said we loved each other too soon etc. I said I think we never had a solid foundation of trust to begin with and didn’t take the time to get to know each other. I said ‘I think if you had known me properly you would never have left’. He said quite angrily ‘maybe I don’t know you, maybe you don’t know me, maybe we don’t know each other’. Told him we lacked communication, we should have spoke less on Facebook Messenger and had more phone calls and Skype sessions. Things were easily misinterpreted and you can’t hear the tone of voice on Facebook Messenger, this led to arguments. He nodded.
My ex saw meeting up with those guys as ‘playing games’ to make him jealous when in reality I was looking for friendship. I told him this again on Sunday and said I was at fault for being too naive and unrealistic and seeing the good in people. I said ‘some people don’t respect boundaries clearly’. I reassured him my uni friends I have now were purely platonic (he hasn’t met them), he nodded.
I told him I was so afraid of losing him that I unintentionally did things to sabotage the relationship. I was scared of him getting bored so I did things to keep him on his toes, because I have seen many relationships fizzle out (namely my parents’ relationship which I was exposed to everyday). As I was explaining this he nodded and said ‘I see, it was because you didn’t want that in your own life’. I told him I was in a bad place over the summer just gone because I left the first university I was at, felt worthless and stupid, had uncertainties about the future of my career, had a lack of commitments so began to over-analyse/focus on the relationship. I told him I had got back my academic/career security since I went back to uni in September, so this wasn’t an issue anymore. I threatened to break up one night when staying with him in June; I had meant to say I was just going home (not breaking up) but whole thing spiralled out of control. I told him that I regretted that night massively.
I said I had had time to realise my mistakes and to see what works and what doesn’t work. I said ‘I now see that keeping you on your toes and threats of breaking up are not the way to go’. I said to him ‘I don’t care about those guys anyway, I miss YOU‘. I said ‘hopefully you can see that I’ve sorted some things out with myself now’, and that since the guy who tried to kiss me there were never any incidents like that again, and I never threatened to break up with my ex again after that time in June (we split in October). I said ‘I know I can’t control the past, but I can control the present and future’.
I said when I lived in Sheffield (2 and a half hours away from our hometown) for 5 months nothing ever happened with anyone even though there was distance between us, and if that doesn’t prove I’m trustworthy I don’t know what will. He nodded.
He said he had to go, started rolling a cigarette and told me about how his Christmas party had gone the night before, said he had got very drunk. He was avoiding eye contact. I told him I missed him, he said he missed me too. He took his book and said ‘I’ll have a think about some of the things you said and I’ll be in touch before Christmas’. He seemed pretty sure he wouldn’t need much time to think (less than a week). He gave me a half-hearted hug, said ‘I’ll be in touch’ again, and left.
The whole conversation was drastically different to the night before, when he was kissing me, asking for a hug and holding it for a long time, pulling me onto his lap, cuddling me, gazing into my eyes for 90 minutes, not breaking eye contact.
I gave him the book back because I only live 5 minutes away from him by foot, and I thought it would be a nice thing to do since he knew I still had it. It didn’t seem fair to keep it and make him buy a new one if he only lives round the corner. He seemed to appreciate it. I thought it would show I’m not clinging onto him and prepared to remove reminders of him from my life.
If he doesn’t want to try again, I’m considering burning the gifts he has bought me in the past which I still have.
Thanks @AGuyWhoMissesHer. Is there anything I can do to regain control over this situation? I feel like he has all of the power.
I’ve put my phone away in my wardrobe so I don’t look at it, and if he gets in touch I won’t respond immediately and will make him wait. If it’s bad news I probably won’t respond at all. I’m considering not looking at my phone at all until after Christmas as it may ruin the festive period for me.
I sent him a text last night because I told him on Sunday I might be going back to university on Tuesday but there was a change of plan. The text said : ‘Going to be staying in *hometown* for a bit longer, turns out Dad is available next week to take me :)’
Don’t know what difference that will make, if any. He didn’t reply.
I would say move on for now and enter no contact, then reach out after NC has ended and take it from there. Focus on yourself for now and try not to worry about her and whether she misses you or not. Only time will tell.
@AGuyWhoMissesHer , my ex said he missed me 3 weeks ago and said it again the first time we spoke after 3 weeks of NC on Friday last week (day before we met for the coffee), yet that still wasn’t enough to stop him from saying we shouldn’t get back together on Sunday. I don’t missing me means all that much to him.
I fear he may just say ‘I love you and I miss you but it’s not enough’ when he gets in touch again with his decision. I’m not even sure it will be a ‘decision’ as he only said he would ‘think about some of the things I had said and be in touch’, whatever that means. I don’t know if it necessarily means ‘reaching a decision’…?
@AGuyWhoMissesHer , I do think he met up with me on Sunday mainly to get his book back. The day before that we met for coffee because he said he wanted to and 3 weeks ago said ‘perhaps we should talk’. That gave me false hope, and it’s not fair that I let him kiss me, hug me and put me on his lap on Saturday. I only let him because I thought things were going well and he was going to ask to see me again.
I’ve been rejected by this guy twice now, preparing myself for a third rejection. I know how stubborn he can be. Doesn’t care about hurting me just days before Christmas.
I think your ex acted irrationally, I agree with @amcee that if the tables were turned she would have checked your phone too.
I don’t believe she has been 100% honest because she freaked out over that more than you would expect. Think it was an excuse to hide the true reason and to make her seem like the victim.
I think you should stop sending texts and drop off the radar for a while. Move on with your life, let your feelings fade naturally and assume she isn’t coming back. You never know, I did that in my situation 10 weeks ago and heard from my ex within 2 weeks, never thought I would again. If she misses you enough, she will contact you, probably with some lame text to mask the fact she misses you. If you don’t hear from her after 45 days feel free to message her with something that will evoke nostalgia and make her remember a happy memory shared with you.
She may be more comfortable by that point to converse with you, so you can build attraction from there. If she doesn’t seem receptive, I would say leave it. She will wonder about you and I expect you will hear from her one day in the future.
Seeing as you want her back, repeat this process over and over. You may get to a point where you don’t want her back. If not, all you can do is hope she realises how great you were, all the things you did for her, and hope this guy doesn’t match up.
Doubt they will get married and have babies, I think he is just a rebound. Most relationships can be saved, there is usually at least some hope. You do still have a chance.
Ok, many thanks @AGuyWhoMissesHer ! I wish you all the best too, hang in there 🙂
You sound genuine and lovely. If only my ex felt the same way towards me as you do towards your ex haha
Sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation, but thank you for your kind words.
I have one final question: From a man’s perspective, why would someone say they didn’t want to get back together then 2 hours later say ‘they’ll think about things’? Is it possible that it was a tactic to get out of the conversation and ‘shut me up’?
