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Hi Carey,
Well I had kind of a terrible night last night. I went on our work chat where she often posts personal things. Usually I just lurk like a creep but I haven’t been on there in a few weeks because it hurts too much when she talks about things. And it upsets me because those people are some of my friends too and I feel I’m losing connection to them because my ex is talking to them herself.
Anyways the first thing I saw was that she was freaking out in chat because her ex ex boyfriend (the abusive one from like 3 years ago) apparently has been sending her stuff lately. She said she didn’t respond to it. I’m just like of fucking course this would happen right now. I know she really doesn’t like that guy because he abused her for like a long time and everything I’ve heard about him has been bad news. Anyways, it’s like why does this person have to do this now, I’m trying to reconnect with her and everything but I feel like if I’m trying to do a similar thing he is trying to do: I just feel like I’m going to get associated with his negativity by texting her as well. I don’t know what to do ughh. At least our relationship was good and I like to think I was good to her. I’m just really scared. I don’t know what to do.
She also talked about how she was going to bed really early on a Friday and was complaining about how she could hear her neighbor through her new apartment walls. Maybe this means she’s having a rough time. It made me feel kinda sad. This also means that she probably told everyone that we were broken up at some point which makes me really sad. To them I feel like it looks like I did something terrible since I just up and left chat. And they just keep talking to her like everything is normal and they are all friends with her. I feel like I did one thing wrong and none of them know the story, or probably they know a bit from her end, she probably didn’t include this other guy thing. Maybe that means this other guy really wasn’t involved idk. I’m just so frustrated right now. She seems to be having a bit of a rough time. I wish I could help her but she doesn’t seem to want that from me for some reason. I don’t understand and I don’t know what to do…
Hi Jenna,
First off, thank you for the reply, I know the first post is quite long :). It does seem like maybe she had feelings for this guy for a bit, but I don’t know if I believe she would do that. I also dot understand why she wouldn’t tell me that she was leaving me for him. I really do hope she realizes she messed up, a lot of people have told me that but nothing that I’ve seen her do is really indicative that that will happen, which makes me sad.
I’ve done no contact for 30 days, have gone to the gym again and bought some new things and tried to pick up some new hobbies. I think I’ve done a pretty good job about that. I started to contact her slowly again. I sent her a text a few days ago and she responded. But not for very long, she seemed pretty neutral. I sent her a text two days ago which took like 5 hours for her to respond to, but at least she did, then she didn’t respond to my reply. She seemed pretty neutral then too. I don’t know what to make of that. I domt know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing or just try to move on. I just feel like this isn’t going to work and she is going to put up her defenses again soon. I know I have to take things slow but it’s hard when she could just be talking to this other guy all the time. Any advice for that?
Hope you are doing well on your end.
Hi Carey, well she sent me something back like 5 hours later. I sent her something back and then she never replied again. I don’t know what to do with that. Is that a bad sign? Or should I just continue to try to take things slow. I don’t really know what I would send her next. I’m really scared and I just want this to work.
I don’t really go on social media, I didn’t really when or even before we were dating so I feel like if I start to post stuff maybe it will give it away slightly or like make it obvious what I am doing. Does that make sense? I don’t think she has any idea what I’ve been up to. I was kinda hoping she’d ask about it or something but she hasn’t, I don’t know what to do next.
Any updates on your end? You talk to that girl?
Well I sent her something, she sent something back, then I sent her something back to that and she hasn’t responded. Its been about 3 hours now, I don’t know what she’d bd doing but I’m kinda freaking out right now. What if she just doesn’t want to talk to me anymore? I don’t understand, maybe I didn’t send the text in the form of a question well enough, or maybe she’s just ignoring me. What did I do wrong? I feel weird sending her another message but I felt like she should respond to my original message I sent. Idk what to do…
Hi Carey,
Sorry you had a rough time. I know how that feels. I had a really terrible day yesterday at work, mostly due to work related things but all that stuff getting piled on top of all this stuff I’m feeling was really tough. Thankfully my friend had a day off from work so I spent some time with him after working late. That helped quite a bit. I feel like my emotional state goes so up and down its crazy.
I had a nightmare which woke me up early this morning. I don’t usually remember dreams much less wake up from them. We were in our apartment talking about stuff. She told me that after the other guy recovered she was going to start seeing him. And that as soon as I left she texted him all the time. I know it was just a dream but it freaked me out. Couldn’t really fall asleep again after that.
So today has been rough so far lol. Trying to make it through. I think I might text her again today. I have a friend at work who is trying to look for a new job and I want to see if her workplace is hiring. Might be a good way to start a conversation and help another friend of mine maybe even find a different job. But I’m not sure I’m ready to try to talk to her again. I guess the nice thing about texting is I can take a bit of time to reply. Gotta remember to take things slow and be patient. Do you think this is an okay idea?
I’m sorry your friends are also telling you to try to move on. I understand it’s a bit frustrating. At least it is for me. So I’ve just kinda kept most of them in the dark about what I am doing, maybe that’s a bad idea idk. Maybe it’s best I just don’t bother with her anymore idk. But I did take a long time to decide that I wanted to try this.
I’ve just been having a hard time lately but this is the road I decided to go down. I just hope it works. It will be worth it if it does, I just hope that she is willing. Idk if she is or if she ever will be. And that’s hard to come to terms with.
You talk to that girl at all? Hope all is well. Any other updates?
Hi Carey,
It is nice she responded to me. I suppose the fact that she did is a win in my book. I didn’t really get much out of her so she still could act cold to me or have resentment towards me. I suppose that’s why I have to take things slow. I don’t want her to shut me out again. I haven’t talked to her since. I thought about sending something today but I think I’ll wait until tomorrow. I don’t want to jump the gun or take things too fast.
It’s really hard for me right now. I’m trying not to think about her or read into things or figure out where she’s at but it’s really tough. I had kind of a rough night last night. I’m like still holding onto the idea that she might reach out to me and initiate contact instead of me doing it but I don’t think that’s going to happen. I freaked out for a while last night just kinda thinking about things and feeling sad. I guess this is what I chose to do though. I chose that I wanted to try to be with her again. It’s probably a lot harder of a path but it might be worth it in the end. It’s just frustrating to think that I might have to compete with this other guy to get back with her or she could be thinking about him constantly instead of me. We were really wrapped up in each other’s lives. It’s hard not to think about that. I really miss her.
One thing that kind of upset me yesterday was that my one good friend who pretty much supported my plan really upset me. All my other friends and family told me to move on because she’s probably already gone. Maybe they are right. Maybe it doesn’t matter idk. He is my one friend who knows that I’m going through with this plan, I’ve kept him up to speed. He told me I should try to move on yesterday based on how she replied. It really made me sad. Maybe he’s right I don’t know but it just really messed me up.
I think as far as the chat things go I’m probably going to wait for a bit to go back on there. All it really ever did was distract me from work so it’s not that big of a deal. And there’s a lot of pain there when she talks on it so I don’t want that to effect me negatively. Gotta be patient and take my time. I honestly think if I do this properly it might work. I just have to be patient. Maybe I’m being silly and she’s already long gone. If that’s the case I feel I don’t know what to do.
You talk to that girl at the gym today or yesterday? Hope all is well. Any other updates
One more thing, I’m hopeful that maybe she thinks about the nice time we spent together in college. We nearly spent the last two years of college together, it was really nice honestly. Since we used to work at the same job lots of people we used to work with formed a chat room that we all still kinda talk on. I used to go on it a bit after we broke up but she kept posting stuff on there about her new friends, or how the guy was doing in the hospital, or getting married or having kids. I don’t think she meant anything like mean by it to me but it was really really hard for me to be on there while she was talking. It made me really angry sometimes, really sad other times, I never said anything on there though. Because I didnt want to piss her off or ruin my chances. Since she told me not to talk to her, I haven’t really gone on there. It only really hurts me, it could give me some insight as to what she is doing because she tends to share a lot on there but it also makes me check in on her way too much.
The reason why I break it up is that I haven’t been on there in a few weeks. I know people have been asking her and me where I have been. I don’t know if she’s told them all if we’ve broken up or not. We are both mutual friends with like everyone on there so it’s a little embarrassing to me if she has told them. I haven’t talked to any of them about it except for one guy.
My point I’m trying to get to is that I feel weird not talking to her and not knowing where she’s at when she could be saying a bunch of stuff on there. Like she likes to explain some things that are going on in her life. But I can’t really go on there since it hurts to much, but that might mean I have to play catch up. Idk how to really explain it or if I’m making any coherent sense.
Hi Carey,
Well I uhh sent her something last night. It was pretty late. It was a simple “hey this reminded me of you text.” It was sort of a running joke between us. It came from a joke from one of her favorite stand up comedians. I think it was a really good thing to start with because we always kinda joked about it to each other.
I sent it, she took about an hour to respond. She seemed pretty neutral. Not good not bad. I guess it could be worse. Idk if she just doesn’t have any feeling or care for me anymore or is just being cautious or something idk. she sent me one thing back. I sent her something back. She sent me something back. I sent her something a little bit later and then she didn’t respond. It was pretty late at that point. I know she usually goes to bed at around that time (given I used to live with her lol). But she didn’t send me good night or anything. I was going to try to end the conversation shortish like Kevin suggests but I wasn’t given the chance. I figured maybe she went to bed and would maybe send me a reply in the morning but haven’t gotten anything back today.
I don’t really know what to do. She was pretty neutral from what I could tell, maybe she needs time to think and be reminded of the nice times that I brought up. I think I might send her something again in a few days but idk. I know I have to be patient and slow but it’s really hard. But I also don’t want to blow my chance either.
I feel like the fact that she at least sent something back is good? Even if it wasn’t that much, maybe she needs a few days to think about me before I send her anything else idk. I don’t really know what to do from here. Any advice? I’m scared that maybe she’s continuing to build a relationship with him while I’m here moving at snails pace so I don’t ruin things and cause her to put up her defenses.
I’m hoping maybe she’ll send something soon idk. I know I need to go slow but it’s really making me anxious.
On your end I am curious, what are you majoring in at college? Sorry that girl wasn’t at the gym yesterday, maybe she’ll be there today. Any updates on your end my friend?
I’m going to try to remain cool and self improve for a few more days before trying to reach out again. Always makes me feel better to have a plan I find. Hope all is well.
Ughh I am really nervous. I don’t feel very good. I don’t know if I want to send something tonight. I don’t know if I’m ready. I’m really scared it isn’t going to work. What if she’s already moved past me? What if she says she doesn’t want to talk to me? I am kinda freaking out right now I don’t know what to do. I have some ideas for what I want to send but ifk if they are good or not. I don’t know what to do
Hi Carey,
I hope your talk with that other girl goes well. I feel really nervous and scared today. Been thinking back about a lot of things when we were together that I really miss. Makes me feel kinda sick. I hope this plan works. I’m not sure I’m ready to get out of no contact but I feel like I have a good window here before the holidays start up and this other guy heals.
I’m pretty sure this other dude is still around but you never know. Maybe they haven’t talked much maybe they have. I’ve no way of knowing. I don’t think she’ll start seeing him anytime soon but maybe she already has. She said she wanted to be single for a while. Which might be a good thing for me might be a bad thing. Might mean that if I’ve done well enough during this time period she’ll realize that she wants to be with me again since she’s had somet time to her self.
I’m trying to be optimistic but it’s hard knowing that it might not work. God I hope it does. I think I’ll send her something either today or tomorrow. A simple reminded me of you text and we’ll see how things go. I think I might skip the letter thing. Feel like it might take too long.
As you say the relationship they may or may not have might make her feel empty as she continues to compare him to me. I’d like to try to restart our relationship before that happens if possible. I think it might be. Unfortunately that means I might have to compete for face time with her which will suck because I have to be patient. I don’t want to have to compete with some other dude.
I hope out can take some more time so you can be happy Carey. I should be available the rest of the day and be able to reply since I might send her something today anyways. I’m not sure I’m ready though.
Hope all is well
Hi Carey,
That’s rough with the Facebook thing. Sorry that happened. I know it makes you feel sick, and maybe she did do it deliberately to mess with you, I don’t think she did but she might have. Even if she did it doesn’t really matter because you know that they’ve been fighting and it’s not going to last already. You’ve mentioned this before so you already know this, I don’t think her putting it on fb changes anything, if anything maybe it means you got to her or something I don’t know.
Went on a long run today, was pretty nice, one of the last days I’ll probably be able to do it for a while. I know there are lots of other opportunities out there but taking this time has made me decide that I want to continue to try to do this. And I think that means a lot. I think that means how important she is to me, even after the things she did. I know I can move on, but that doesn’t mean I want to. For now at least I want to try to be with her. It might be harder this way but I think she’s worth it. Idk if she’ll think I’m worth trying this again though. She could very well just be talking to this guy all the time and that would make me sick. Maybe she’s hung out with him a bit while he’s recovering. I’ve been pretty good about not thinking about this lately but considering how close I am to breaking no contact it’s made me think about what she’s doing more. Maybe that’s a bad thing idk, I suppose I’ll know soon.
I think I’m going to send her something in a text tomorrow or the next day, but I don’t know if I’m ready or what I’ll say. I need to figure that out. Makes me sick to think about because I’m scared she might already be gone, I think she was gone when we broke up. I don’t know if I’ll ever know why. I need to think of what to say, probably will use Kevin’s guide and skip the letter because it might take too long.
As far as the Facebook thin goes idk how connected you are to social media but I haven’t been on Facebook in like 3 weeks, idk if she’s posted anything on there or not. Maybe you should take a break from it for a bit, or you could also play the subtle Facebook game idk.
I think if you are still having these sickening feelings maybe go to the gym. I’d try to talk to that cute girl you like, or text the girl you went out on a date with once and ask to catch up. Might be good for you, might be hard though too I don’t know. I kinda wish I had some people to talk to, I’ve been pretty anti social the last few days, not really talking to my friends at all, I haven’t looked at my non work phone in like a day and a half, which is crazy for me. I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t understand.
I’m sorry you are having a rough day today, I’m here if you want to talk for the rest of the day today probably my friend
Hi Carey,
I don’t know if I’m going to send the letter. I’m a bit worried it might take too long to get there or something. I could go like drive by her work and put it on her car or something but that seems a bit creepy. So I don’t think I’m going to do that. MY concern is that if I send it now it takes 4-5 days to get to her, she might go home for a week or something and then its been 2 weeks before she might even see it. I know she doesn’t check her mail very often. I’m thinking I just start with the “hey this reminded me of you text” but maybe thats a terrible idea. Maybe the letter is essential to success I don’t know. I just really don’t know. I’m so scared. I know there are plenty of other opportunities to find love elsewhere in the world but I still am deciding that I want to be with her. Going down this path is a lot more difficult. I feel its taking its toll on me. God I hope this works.
Do you think I should send the letter or nah?
Jesus you hit a deer? Thats crazy. Hope everything is okay. At least you’ll have a nice story to tell your ex when she eventually contacts you.
If this doesnt work is there still a chance we can be together again someday or should I just try to move past this whole thing? I never wanted for any of this to happen. I have no clue how she is doing or where she is at. Its starting to get pretty cold around here. I hope sometime I can be the one to help keep her warm again.
Hi Carey,
Sorry things have been a bit rough for you lately. They’ve been pretty rough for me as well. I’m still really terrified this isn’t going to work or she is just going to tell me she doesn’t want to talk or something. But then again, I have no idea where she is at. I kinda freaked out for a bit today thinking about all that stuff. Doing a little better now. Made some dinner in the crock pot and did some lifting at home. Helped me get my mind off things.
What was the series of books you are referring to? I’m legit curious. I don’t do too much reading anymore. I’ve almost finished listening to The Count of Monte Cristo on audiobook during work. Its probably my favorite book ever. I think after I finish that my friend recommended me the Night Angel trilogy. He says its supposed to be really good. I think I’m going to check it out.
Anyways, I’m still kinda on the fence about sending a letter to her. I might honestly just start with a “this reminded me of you text”. I dont really know how to send a letter to her. I dont know her new address. I suppose the apartment complex we used to live together in would have a forwarding address probably. My concern is that might take a few days. I think she might go back home for a few days around thanksgiving soon and I don’t want the letter to get stuck sitting in her mailbox when she might not be home. Also I know she doesn’t really check her mail that often. My concern with that is it might complicate timing. Also, honestly I think the letter might be a little cheesy but maybe it works I don’t know. What do you think?
I hope she replys to the letter. I really do my friend. Maybe reach out to your friend close by her and see how things are going on her end. I’d bet that relationship with the other dude is going not well. I wish I knew more about how my ex is doing but I don’t have a good way of doing that really.
Holidays will be a bit tough, we’ve always usually been apart during the holidays the last 2 years actually since we were in college we both just spent time in our respective hometowns. I was kinda hoping this year would be the first time we actually got to spend it with each others familys. Maybe we still can. Maybe someday in the future we still can. Honestly some of the best times I spent with her in my opinion is we’d occasionally spend weekends in her hometown with her parents. She’s really close with both of them, I really like them, and they really like me (I think? lol). I really just miss sitting together with them and spending time together. It wasn’t always the most fun thing we did together. But it was really nice and peaceful honestly. I really miss that :/.
Btw, I have a decent way to start a conversation with a girl you haven’t met before. Now I’m not very good with girls obviously so take it with a grain of salt, but it seems to work. I always compliment their shoes. Girls like shoes and talking about shoes. So often I’ll just say something like “hey, I like your shoes, where did you get them? etc.”, seems to work most of the time. Sometimes they’ll ask about your shoes back so be prepared to explain. Thankfully, I’ve bought like 3 pairs of nice boots lately that I’ve been wearing so it makes for a nice starting point of conversation when I can talk about my shoes as well.
Any updates to your situation? sorry it’s been a few days. I think my dinner is about done wooooooooooooooooo I am so hungry.
All the best.
Hi Prod98,
Sorry you’ve been in a similar situation. Its rough. At least she’s been talking to you from what I can understand. Thats probably a good sign :). Honestly it doesn’t really matter what happened in the past if you really want to start over with her, because thats what it is, at least at the beginning, its a new relationship. I think over time it migrates together. But at the outset you have to treat it like a new one. I think there will be less animosity between you two then.
I’m really glad to hear you say that you think in time she’ll realize she messed up. I really hope you are right. Its just frustrating and annoying and hard to wait this long I guess for her to try to figure things out.
Any updates to your situation? Sorry for taking so long to reply my friend.
Hi Carey,
Sorry its been a few days. Been trying to keep busy. Had kind of a rough day mentally yesterday but doing a bit better today. I really appreciate your message. Its nice to see all the potential outcomes laid out. As you suggest in your first paragraph I’m not really sure how I can see how well she’s doing. Theres a mutual friend of ours I could talk to but he’s kinda screwed me over before so idk how much I trust him. I’ve been gone off facebook for like 3 weeks now and she doesn’t really post anything anyways. Not really sure what to do there.
I’m on day 25 now I think and I’m really starting to feel anxious honestly. What if this doesn’t work? What if I put in all this effort and she still doesn’t even want to talk to me or has already moved on? Here’s what I think will happen, I’ll send her something and she’d probably reply. But after a while she’ll start to close things down and ask me to stop talking to her again. Maybe she’ll say she’s not ready to talk again or something, even though she could easily be talking to this other dude instead of me which makes me feel terrible. I don’t know how things will turn out obviously. Maybe she will have actually missed me and want to talk idk.
I’m not sure I’m ready to try to talk to her again, problem is I’m scared if I don’t she’ll just continue talking to him and maybe I’ll miss my window or something. On the other end, she might not want to talk to me right now if I talk to her and it could push her away even further. I’m just really scared it isn’t going to work or she’ll have already moved past me.
Sorry to hear your ex is still with that guy. I’d bet money it wont be for much longer though. Gotta try to be patient.I know you already have been, considering you’ve made it this far already which is great. I think you can keep going. I’m struggling with the thought of spending the holidays without her. Its kinda tough to think about.Probably should avoid thinking about it I suppose.
Sorry it was her birthday a few days ago. That had to be rough. Hope you got through it okay.I’ve been feeling a little empty the past few days as well. I hope it comes to pass soon though.
Sorry this new relationship with the other girl kinda feel out. It was expected but at least you had a good time probably?It did help prepare you for the future I suppose. Maybe I’d try talking to her some more if you are going to try to move on like you say. I don’t know, up to you though.
How have things been lately? Also like you mention what do I do if she decides to be with him or is already close to him? I feel like she defs could be. She did say she wanted to be single for a while though, but that doesn’t really make me feel any better. I don’t even know what she’s been doing lately. I hope she’s doing okay. I really miss her.
Sorry for taking forever to reply. All the best.
