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What if I’ve taken too long to do this and she is just gone from me? Maybe if I would have done things differently and more quickly she might be back with me. Maybe if I didn’t do no contact for a while and just kept trying to help her maybe she’d want me back I don’t know. Ughh, why is this so hard sometimes.
Hi Carey,
I think I’m going to call her tomorrow. I really don’t want to call her today, not in the best of sorts right now because of some personal stuff with my Grandma. I’m not really sure what the best plan of attack is, I really hope she just says yes straight up. But I don’t think she will after she turned be down for coffee last week. Ughh. I just wish I could get inside her head. I just want to get her re attracted to me before she goes after this other guy. I don’t know if I can deal with everything if she goes for him instead. I hope I can get her back before that happens. I don’t know if that’s possible. I feel like I’ve already lost to somebody who doesn’t deserve her. I’m not sure how you deal with that feeling Carey.
I thought about her a lot today. I don’t think she thinks about me at all. I just wish I could get her to talk to me more. Based on what she said earlier this week I don’t think she’s ready to have an in person conversation. Does this mean I should try to text her some more? I mean I’m going to call her tomorrow and ask her to dinner but I don’t know if she’s going to say yes. In fact I think she’ll say no. I just want to have a casually fun night with her. Maybe her birthday will be enough to convince her to say yes. I hope it is, if not I’ll try to sell her on the friends thing, if that doesn’t work, well then its her birthday and I want to make it special but it should also be something that she wants to do.
I can’t do anything right I feel like. I went from talking to her 24/7 to just nothign and now she’s probably talking to him all the time instead of me.
Why do you think she’s def not over me? I do think I need to play things cool if they get together but I’ll probably be dying on the inside. I don’t know if I can deal with it. I just hope she says yes to the birtday thing and somehow everything will go well I don’t know. I don’t really know what to do after this if this doesn’t work. This was always the thing I was looking forward to for a while.
I know you say she’s in a rough spot in her life and I think thats true but thats what she wanted. I don’t want to see her like that. I want to help her. I still care for her a lot. I just don’t understand why she is doing this to herself.
Why do you think she knows the door is open?
Any updates on your end?
Also her birthday is on Wednesday this week, do you think j should call her today or wait to call her tomorrow? Idk which one would be better
Hi Carey,
I think I am going to call her and ask if she wants to do something for her birthday. I’m really nervous though, I don’t think she’ll say yes. I don’t understand why she is saying she’s not sure when she’d want to be friends. It’s really confusing to me, I suppose what I am doing is a bit confusing to her.
I don’t really want to force her to feel like she has to do this, I just think it might be fun. I feel like we should try to do something special for her birthday if she isn’t doing anything. I think it might be a good time. But it is her birthday so you can do what you want. I was just thinking it might be something fun.
Do you think I should throw in the idea about her bringing other people? Do you think I should ask for the 1 on 1 first and then suggest inviting others if she isn’t really into the 1 on 1 idea? Do you think this is a bad idea? I don’t know how she’ll react if I ask her about that.
Its good you think she’ll eventually start missing me, maybe. I hope she already is but I hate that I dont understand where she’s at. I feel like asking her to coffee scared her off a bit. I think maybe she’s trying to put her defenses up until she’s okay with seeing this other guy. I just want to wiggle back in before that happens, but that seems really scary and hard to do.
Do you think she might already know that I am trying to get back with her and she just might not be ready for that or something? I’m just really confused. I suppose I shouldn’t try to think about it too much, maybe that will make it easier, but I feel like the longer I take the easier it is to get over me.
I do need to respect her space and be more emotionally strong than her. I think that will really help me get her back.
I’m sorry you get angry at some points. I know what it feels like my friend. Sometimes I get so angry I don’t know why I even bother, at least I feel I have a bit more hope given my situation so I try to turn my anger into hope. I need to continue to work on myself while this is happening.
I don’t think I’m going to apologize for a bit, I think it makes me look a little desperate. Maybe if we meet in person I will but I’ve just been feeling really damn guilty lately. I just wish she’d talk to me more again.
Should I apologize to her and say I was insecure and jealous via text or wait to say that in person or something?
Hi Carey,
I haven’t been doing too well lately. I don’t know if I should call her and ask her to dinner tomorrow, I haven’t talked to her in like 2 days tho so idk what she’ll say. Maybe I should just set up some of her friends with a party or if I should just go for a 1 on 1 casual let’s have some fun day. What would you suggest?
I’m really confused about how to proceed. I just wish she’d reach out to me more often, makes me feel like I mean nothing to her so I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should try to talk to her a bit tonight.
I still feel like the entire breakup was caused by me. If I wasn’t so stupid we might be together, I don’t know why she did this to me. I just want her to be with me :(. I don’t think it’s ever going to happen. I just feel hopeless. I want to be confident and improved for her but she doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me which makes me very sad.
Maybe I should try to talk to her idk. Is the fact that I’m talking to her stressing her and confusing her a good thing or no? I don’t want her to put up her defenses again but I feel like I have to try to keep talking to her a bit idk. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done
I feel completely terrible Carey, my ex and I had something great and I ruined it because I was jealous and insecure and it’s all my fault and now she’s just going to go be happy somewhere else while I am lonely and sad. I can’t do this anymore
Hi Carey, she hasn’t responded to a text I sent last night. I kinda want to try to talk to her. Although I don’t know if she’d reply to it. Do you think I should wait to send her something or try to talk to her tonight? I’m not having a super day and am really missing her :/
Hi carey,
Well she sent me a text at like 3 today asking what I wanted to talk about at coffee. She said she didn’t know when she’d be ready to have an in person conversation and she was sorry for that. Does this mean I could tell her these things over text? Can I have conversations with her via text still? I feel it’s a lot easier to tell her in person though I think. Also idk how much she’ll actually read if I send her stuff via text.
Anyways I sent her a thing back, she sent something back and then hasn’t replied to my next message and it’s been like 6 hours. I’m so sad and confused why she’s doing this and then she won’t even talk to me about it. I wish I could help her, I wish I could talk to her. But that’s not what she wants to do right now and I don’t understand why.
I go over lots of scenarios in my head, I keep thinking that she’ll send me a text and be like hey let’s talk or she’ll stop. By my house and want to make up with me. I don’t think that’s going to happen. I’ve left my phone alone for most of the day today but each time I look at it now I just hope that she’s sent me something. I don’t know why I keep thinking that because it’s not going to happen.
I know what you mean about the weight being too much for you sometimes, I am in the same boat. I don’t want to get up in the morning. I don’t want to think about her but at the same time I do because it makes me feel happy for a bit and then I get sad.
I think I am going to call and ask to take her out on her birthday. I don’t know if I want to try to bring friends or just go one on one. I want to assure her that regardless of if I bring people or not I won’t talk about anything serious. It is her birthday and I want it to be special. I don’t want it to be filled with silly things about us. Just go out and have a good time. Maybe that will be easier if I tell her I’ll set up some friends to come with. What are your thoughts on that?
I know what you mean about being closed to people, most of my friends are people I met in like 2nd grade. I don’t really trust anyone outside of my small group of friends, and I’m pretty okay with that honestly. Then she comes along and we are Bffs for a long time. I still know so many things about her and she knows so many things about me. I just feel like we were always really connected. Now I’m going to have a hard time trusting anyone else after all this because of what’s happened. I don’t even know why I should bother.
Do you think I should leave her alone for a few days or try to talk to her about simple stuff? Idk what she’s really going though so idk what my best option is? I want to try to build up a rapport with her and attraction to me but idk what to do.
Hi Carey,
I understand that she needs to take the time to figure things out but I guess I feel like it doesn’t really help me. I feel like she could just be waiting to try to go after this guy when he recovers. Especially when she could just be talking to him quite a bit instead of me. I feel like she’s just taking time to grow feelings for him. Maybe that’s true, maybe it isn’t. Probably best not to think about. I can only change what I do for now. I would love to be able to positively influence her to be attracted to me again. Maybe I already have, maybe I will be able to someday again. I just hate waiting. I thought that I would have waited long enough. I guess I just have to keep taking time to self improve. I think this weekend is going to be a little rough though, since most of my friends around here are busy this weekend. Not really looking forward to that.
At least she did say not right now instead of shutting me down entirely. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do about it. I just have to sit here and work on myself but I might not ever get the chance to tell her or show her because she’ll just be with this other guy, even though I feel that I am a better choice for her. But that’s a choice she has to make on her own. I just don’t really think she’ll pick me, especially if I am not there to talk to her :/. I feel like she’s just replaced him with all the stuff that we used to do together. How do I cope with that for now?
Man I’ve been really reminiscent of everything we used to do together today. Its making me really sad. I don’t think I’ll ever get back with her. I feel really hopeless. I don’t know what to do. Do you think I can get her back still?
As far as her birthday goes, its coming up in a few days. I think I might call her on Monday and ask to see if she wants to go somewhere for dinner, just for fun. If she does say yes, which I don’t think she will, I will keep things casual, as it is her birthday and I don’t want to make things difficult for her. I am still tossing around the idea of trying to get some of her friends together but I don’t know if that’s the best idea. I really don’t know what to do for that. Maybe I should just keep things simple but I also kinda want to go for the “date” thing because I think if it works it could work really well. I don’t know what to do when it comes to that.
I think its pretty good you’ve gotten to the point where you might not take her back or you might take her back. I really wish you the best man, you deserve it my friend. You’ll find her or somebody else someday, I really think you will. I’m sorry that she said you weren’t there enough. That was probably hard to hear.
I’m glad you don’t think this has set me back too far, I feel like mentally it kind of has. Maybe it just means I need to wait a few more days idk. I hope this works. I understand we might not ever get back together but I hope we do. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend in the world and I don’t know how to cope with it. We spent almost all of the last two years together and now its just done. I hope we can get back to that some day. I hope she’s thinking about me more.
I bet your ex is thinking about you after that pic yesterday :). Any updates for you right now?
Hi Carey,
Ughh had a pretty big setback yesterday I feel. I really feel like a mess right now. I am sad and angry and confused. I called her and asked if she’d want to get coffee after work tomorrow so I could talk to her about some things. I don’t think I sounded all that confident. I was pretty nervous because I didn’t think she’d say yes to coffee because I don’t think she’s ready for that for some reason. I don’t really understand why she feels this way. Maybe she is confused. I suppose there’s about a million different reasons for her feeling a bit mentally unwell. It could be because of this other guy or it could be because of me or something in between idk. Anyways I called her, said I understood she wasn’t doing that well mentally but I asked if she wanted to get coffee anyways so I could talk about some things. After a bit she said “some other time”. I got a bit flustered after that if I’m honest. I don’t think I sounded all that confident even though I tried to be. After she said that I stuttered for a bit and said I was there if she needed somebody to talk to. I think I might have completely ruined everything. I don’t know what to do. I tried to sound confident but for some reason I got nervous when she said no, even though I was pretty sure she would.
Ughh I just feel so sad and angry with her today. Why did I even bother with being in a relationship in the first place. I should just be alone. I’ve been trying so hard especially lately and it just results in disappointment. There’s a chance she might have cheated on me emotionally and just left me for this other guy. I feel like I should be furious with her about that. But I’m not because I still want to be with her. What is wrong with me? We moved in together and then 2 months later we moved out. I should be furious with her about that. Why am I the one who has to fix these things? She should be trying to get back with me. Why do I even bother? Whats the point? Both girls that I have dated have left me for other guys. I don’t know if she has officially yet, but that’s what it feels like. Is it because of me?
I don’t know what to do now. I feel like I’ve ruined everything because she turned me down.
Thats great you had a good time with your friend. I bet your ex did see that pic probably then. That might help you out in a good way :). Might be good to try to continue to do that subtly. I never really posted on social media so I feel weird for starting to play those games on my end. I kinda wish I could but its a bit simpler and easier for me to do things this way. I don’t really like playing games with the other person. I’d rather just talk things through with her but she doesn’t seem to want to do that or even care about me right now. I’m very sad about that whole thing. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve never gotten super into heavy metal to be honest. I like me a bit of Disturbed and Avenged Sevenfold and Metallica but nothing really past that. I’ll have to check some of that stuff out though.
Hope all is well, and if you see the girl at the gym, tell her I said hi 😛
Hello my friend,
Can you shed some more light on this. You mention that you have broken up a few times before this. Why has this happened so often? What makes you think this time is different? How old are you? What is your situation?
I’ll try to answer your questions to the best of my ability.
1. Your relationship lasted 3.5 years, unless you did something absolutely catastrophic she wont be able to move on that fast. Its important to understand that No Contact is primarily so you can focus on YOU. You spend this time to detox and take a step back, work on improving yourself so when you are ready to try to get her back you can really wow her with all the positive changes you have made. I know that might sound a little harsh right now. I was in your shoes at one point my friend. The secondary objective of no contact is to make them miss you. I don’t really know the circumstances of the breakup but I think if your relationship did really mean something to her, starving communication with you will probably make her miss you. It takes a LONG time to truly move on from somebody. Your main goal with this strat is to focus on yourself. You have a plan, try to stick to it.
2.Again, if your relationship did mean something to her, she probably will miss you. She will probably make new friends and do things to fill the void that you left, but understand that that is what she is doing. She’ll probably realize that eventually some day. I think its a bit weird that she says she feels guilty about hugging and hanging out with other guys. But then why would she break up with you? I think eventually she’ll realize that the other guys she’s hanging out with probably aren’t as good as you, especially when you come back out of nowhere as an improved person.
3. If you are truly a confident and improved person after no contact, she will see it. I don’t like to say the word “changed” when it comes to no contact. You don’t want to change for your ex. You want to improve. You want to go back to being the person that she fell in love with that long time ago. I did the 30 days no contact. It was really tough honestly but afterwards you wind up feeling so much better. Honestly, if no contact is done properly, you shouldn’t really care if your ex believes you have improved, because you’ll feel like you have. And that will really show through. If after the 30 days you don’t feel like you’ve improved, then take a little more time to yourself. This is a great opportunity to do some soul searching and figure out what you really want. Some people after the 30 days, decide that they don’t actually want their ex back. Some people do. But you should take this time to decide what you want. Maybe you decide you want her back, if so I wish you the best of luck my friend.
Hope this helps somewhat.
Hi Carey,
I’m not sure what sort of music you are into but if you are looking for some music you can relate to, I highly recommend Painkillers, an album by Brian Fallon. He wrote most of the album pretty shortly after he got divorced from his wife from what I understand. Red Lights, Rosemary, and Honey Magnolia from that album are particularly good. They all strike a particular chord with me :). Helps me get through the day. Honestly all the songs on that album are good though. Also, he is the lead singer of a band called The Gaslight Anthem, whose most recent album Get Hurt also has a few songs written about that. Get Hurt, Underneath the Ground, and Halloween are all great off that album :). Not sure if it is really your style but I like me a bit of punk-ish folky rock.
You should try to talk to that girl the next time you see her. Maybe she went back to that gym to see you, you never know 🙂
I appreciate the advice. I really do think I need to take things slow. My concern is that I feel like she might just want to be friends with me and go after this other guy in a bit instead. I don’t really know why she is in a rough space mentally. There could be a million different reasons. At the same time she is basically saying that she isn’t ready to be friends with me yet. I don’t really know what to do about that yet.
In your opinion, do you think I should ask her to coffee again? I’m not sure she’d be ready for that yet, but it might be worth a try. I think it could really help. I’d basically tell her that I have some things I want to update her on that I didn’t get a chance to tell her on our first coffee date. I’d go “hey this is what I have been working on”. I want to try to do something for her birthday I think depending on how coffee would go. Maybe she isn’t ready for that yet, but it might also be a good time to push an advantage while I have it. idk, what are your thoughts on that.
Also I found out that her favorite anime is getting a new season. I wanted to send her something saying that I learned about this and thought she might want to know. Maybe I should wait on that a bit though? I wanted to send her this thing tonight real fast and just see how she responds. Maybe thats a bad idea.
Hi Carey,
So uhh interesting thing happened late last night. I went on work chat and was going to sent her a quick friendly message pretty much just asking if she was there. There was a weird glitch that was happening with the app on my phone so I wanted to ask her about it. I said “hey you here?” just to start things off because I had a legit question for her. Before I could type the question out she said something like “hey, sorry for not replying to your texts, I was going to reply to them in a while, I want to be friends with you, I’m just not in a good place mentally right now.”
I’m not really sure what she means by that, but honestly I think its a good thing. Is it a good thing? I think it might mean she is confused about where she is at with me. Anyways we talked for a bit about some simple stuff. I asked if she wanted to talk to me about some of the mental things that were bothering her, but I said I understood that she might not want to talk to me about that stuff. I asked if she wanted to talk about it, she said she didn’t want to get into it. I can understand that honestly but it still makes me confused about where she is at. Now, do I continue and try to push my advantage even though it might make her uncomfortable? I feel like this could help, but I don’t really know what she is thinking.
Anyways I made a joke to her after talking for a bit. It was a real big inside joke that we had between the two of us. After I made that joke, she like didn’t respond for like 10 minutes. I kinda got scared I upset her. I almost called her. She came back a bit later and was like “sorry I can’t really handle inside jokes right now”. She said I didn’t upset her though. So I didn’t really know what to do after that so I just said I was going to head to bed. Did I make a mistake? What does it mean when she says she can’t handle inside jokes? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
I think since she explained that she is a bit emotional right now maybe I should press my advantage. But she has set up a boundary so maybe I should wait for a bit before I come on too strong. My therapist suggested that I ask her to go try to get coffee with her again and basically explain what I’ve been doing to self improve. She even suggested that I maybe tell her that I still want to be with her. I dont know if that’s something that she would want to hear right now considering everything. Do you think I should tell her I have feelings for her or just continue to try to play it cool?
I think based on what she said yesterday I might be disrespecting her boundaries she has established right now by setting up a surprise party. I think maybe based on how coffee this week goes I can move forward with setting that up. We will see. Maybe I can ask her if there is anything I can do to get her to want to be friends with me again, since she doesn’t feel she is ready for it right now. There could be a million reasons why that would be the case.
What do you think I should do? Also sorry that hot girl maybe switched gyms. Thats a shame, I’m sure you’ll see her again someday :). Hope all is well my friend.
Hi Carey,
Well I sent her a text last night and she still hasn’t responded. I don’t know what she is doing or what I did wrong. I’ve been trying to take this slow but I feel like she just doesn’t want to talk to me. What do I do? I still want to ask her to coffee maybe. And I’m still thinking about setting something up for her birthday but jdk how I’d do it.
My therapist was the one who suggested I reach out to her and ask her for coffee before I ask her to dinner. She said it would be a good thing to get casual again before something more like dinner. she basically suggested I tell her I have some stuff I still have to say and explain what sort of changes I have been doing and how I have improved. then I’d give her a few days to think about what I’ve said. My problem is I don’t think she’d say yes to coffee with me again so maybe j should just wait until her birthday but I don’t know what I’d do for that.
What do you think I should do? I’m really not doing to well since she didn’t respond to my text yesterday. Am I freaking out about one text too much or is she trying to just tell me to leave her alone?
