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My ex left me because I had grown distant from her and had acted like I didn’t want her, made her feel alone. She gave me many chances but I was so focused on getting into the Marines that I didn’t pay much attention, I realized right before I left that I had screwed up, and through the contact I made with her in training I told her that, and that I wanted to make up for it, she was all for it, but about 3 weeks before coming to see me she had decided that she had run out of patience. When she saw the improved me after all that, she cut it off earlier than she originally intended to because it was challenging her decision. I broke down and begged her to stay for a few days while at the smae time making happy memories. Weve been in contact ever since this happened in November, and I saw her this past week at Christmas. We had a few physically intimate occasions together, but she was focused on keeping then from being romantic, and I screwed the pooch by taking out some of the negative emotions from everything on her, but we had a night we spent together as friends and reached closure on a lot. She’s adamant about being friends for now but told me that she’s leaving the future open. I told her that part of me hoped that one day after we did the growing we needed to on our own, and had a chance to after the breakup, that we might be together again. I’m not sure if Ive screwed the pooch, or if the NCR would work for me at this point. Advice?
@TexMar2020 How long were you in a relationship with her? Are you long distant now? IE: Marine duty station somewhere distant from her?
You could do no contact and she might miss hearing from you, but no guarantee she would change her mind about being friends..
We were together for over a year, she goes to college in NY and I live in Texas. The long distance was never really an issue because we had amazing level of trust and connection at day 1. Ironically she said I felt more distant in person before I left for boot camp. Good news is that Im in the reserves so I live in our hometown, but I still have a month of training left and she hit me with this at the beginning of November.
@TexMar2020 The trouble with long distance relationships is that they don’t usually last for very long unless one moves close to the other with a commitment toward marriage..
It seems to me that she grew tired of the long distance and therefore she felt “distant” from you in person..
Since you acted like you didn’t want her and made her feel alone, you should consider staying in contact (by text, emails, phone calls) and then when you finish training, go see her in person.
I was moving towards that offer of committment, but I think it scared her a little, because we havent really lived together, something I was going to fix after the end of training. I also think that her graduating this year and me being gone for some very stressful situations doesnt help because she got too far into her head about it all. My worry is that she’s going to want to stay friends permanently, and even though I am happy still getting to make her smile, I want more. I know she still has feelings, but what can I do to reconnect?
@TexMar2020 You wrote:”I was moving towards that offer of commitment” Did you two discuss marriage and did you give her an engagement ring?
You wrote:”I screwed the pooch by taking out some of the negative emotions from everything on her” I’ve never heard the expression “screwed the pooch” but it sounds nasty. Taking out negative emotions on her sounds like you said some cruel things and if you did and you haven’t apologized yet, you should do so..
You also wrote:”we had a night we spent together as friends and reached closure on a lot.” You reached closure on what?
Since she’s adamant about being friends for now, you’re stuck. So be a friend and contact her occasionally to ask how she’s doing.
In the past, I’m sure you told her you loved her and said and did sweet things during the relationship, but you somehow (how?) made her feel unwanted and alone after she had given you many chances to prove otherwise. Now she doesn’t trust it could be any different..
In a month, after your training ends, make plans with her to go to NY to see her. You must be willing to put in more effort.. But don’t lead with sex as the main focus. She has to believe you love her for the person she is!
I never got to give her a ring because she wanted to wait. As far as it goes with the closure, it was about things we had felt were off in the telationship that caused issues, and being honest about it all. We both feel like it helped us both as much as it hurt to have it all in the open. To be clear, neither of us ever felt like there was a loss of trust, just a loss of connection. While I’m happy to be friends rather than absent from each other’s lives, it sucks to be stuck there, and I hope that I can get the chance to do it all over the right way.
Being entirely honest, if I could afford it, I would spring for the email advice, because she’s worth it. My concern with it all is how well trying to use these steps would work at this point
@TexMar2020 If you don’t make more effort, you’ll never know how well it would’ve worked..
I dont know how well brealing contact would work at this point, seeing as we’ve agreed to be friends. She still has constant reminders of me with her there everyday, but like you said before, I dont want her to feel unwanted.
@TexMar2020 You wrote:”While I’m happy to be friends rather than absent from each other’s lives..” You say you would be happy to be friend.. Don’t you know friends keep in touch? In view of the fact you didn’t make much effort to let her know she was important to you (while you were focused on getting into the Marine Corps), you need to make up for it now if you love her! You even said you don’t want her to feel unwanted. So contact her occasionally via email or phone at least once or twice a week and when you finish training, find a way to go see her in person in NY. Airline tickets aren’t too expensive these days and surely you can find or even borrow the money for the trip..
What do you mean by “She still has constant reminders of me with her there everyday”???
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