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My ex is a newly sober alcoholic. We’ve been on again/off again a few times over the past year. We have a deep connection and will likely always be friends no matter what happens – be we’re off again. I broke up with him last summer because he finally admitted to himself (the rest of us knew) that he’s an alcoholic but at first would not get help. I walked away because I had to let him decide on his own what he was going to do about. I had offered to go to AA with him or help him get help in any way I could, but he wasn’t ready. He eventually went to rehab, got out, began AA and has been doing very well.
We stayed in touch and it was obvious that we wanted to get back together but knew it was too soon, he needs to focus on his recovery.
We wound up getting back together anyway..it sort of slowly evolved. It was going really well until a few days ago. Some normal life stress came up and he was having a rough time navigating the stress as a newly sober person. He said our relationship was adding stress rather than offering relief, that I’m the only person he want to be with, he loves me, but can’t be in a relationship. I told him I understood. I do NOT want to get in the way of his recovery.
I’ve been doing no contact..but stupidly reached out today asking him to tell me if he thinks there is absolutely no hope for us in the future. I said I needed to know so that I could the hope still in my heart. Gawd. Why can’t I just be quiet?
So..is there hope for a relationship that only ended because his focus has to be on himself during early sobriety? Yes I realize life with an alcoholic might be hard, there is a chance he could relapse, etc, but I believe we all have our “thing”, something we will struggle with throughout life. He’s handling it the way he should, and as long as he is invested in recovery I believe we can be in a relationship. My very best friend is 10 years sober, stable and married. Alcoholics are just people dealing with a chronic illness.
All that said..is there hope for this situation? I know that we shouldn’t be together right now, but is there something I can do to ensure there is a chance we can reconcile when he’s ready?@sugarskull You didn’t say how long your were in a relationship with him? When did he stop drinking?
I think you should continue no contact as he needs space for his recovery without you for now.. he said he can’t handle struggling with recovery and a relationship with you, so respect that and don’t contact him.
Yes, there’s always a chance for alcoholics to relapse, but the further out they are from that last drink, the more stable and confirmed in sobriety they are.
Nobody can say for sure if there’s a chance for reconciliation! You sound like a caring person and one who supported him by trying to get help for his problem. He will remember that..
Thanks so much for your response. I deeply appreciate it. I think I mentioned in my post that we’ve been on/off for a little over a year. He stopped drinking in September, so it’s very new. I absolutely respect his need to tend to his sobriety and maintained no contact but he reached out to me. I keep my responses short and lighthearted. He asked me if I wanted to go to Busch Gardens this Sunday but I’m busy. I told him that and he said the offer stands for any Sunday because that’s his only day off. So..yeah, he wants to keep me in his life. He did say again that he loves me, that it doesn’t go away, but he can’t ask me to wait around while he can’t be involved. I feel like if I just let him come to me slowly, at his pace, and get more sober time under his belt, there’s still a chance. But I’m also keeping my options open.
@sugarskull Oh, sorry I missed that about the relationship being on and off for a year, but doesn’t sound good. I assume it was due to his drinking and failure to commit to you. Since he doesn’t want you to wait around for him, consider dating someone else who doesn’t have a drinking problem!
You’re right.. sober since September isn’t very long.. My foster dad was an alcoholic who joined AA and stayed sober for 25 years and even became a sponsor. He died of heart failure.. He once told me to never date a “recovering” alcoholic and so whenever I found out a guy had that weakness, I got out fast.
Okay, don’t ask him out if you have a free Sunday! If and when he contacts you, keep the replies short and casual like you’ve been doing.
And Busch Gardens?? I know it’s an amusement park, but it’s also a beer place. Seems like he could ask you to go somewhere else where alcohol isn’t served!
Wishing you the best whatever happens:)
Busch Gardens because he had sent me a little video of his daughter feeding kangaroos there, and knew I’d like them. I love animals. So I responded with “Awww!” and he asked if I’d like to go see them this Sunday. It wasn’t about the beer.
I know that dating a recovering alcoholic immediately brings up a red flag, but if we ruled someone out for that, when their other qualities are solid and good, I think it’s sad. Yes, the off-again parts of the past year were due to his drinking. He was hiding the depth of it from me. Now everything is out in the open and he’s doing incredibly well. I have bipolar disorder – it’s something I’ll battle for life, and if I didn’t have medication I’d be a mess. If everyone I ever met tossed me back because of my illness/weakness I’d never date. So..I can relate to a lot of what he’s going through. I fight this illness every day. My meds and therapy are like his AA meetings. Gotta keep on top of it or things go sideways. If we do the right things we can live healthy lives. I won’t give up on him solely based on his chronic condition.
I WILL give up if he drifts away during no contact, though. Just like I would with anyone. And I didn’t invite him to Busch Gardens the next weekend! I’m letting him come to me with any invitations. 🙂@sugarskill My ex sister-in-law has bipolar and she’s mostly controlled by medication, but sometimes she acts a little loony and then goes in for med readjustment.
You make a lot of sense regarding your ex and I think you have the right mindset as to sticking with him unless and until you have good reasons not to..
Good luck:)
@Patricia12
Lol! I loved your description of your bipolar ex sis in law. That’s pretty much me. I can cruise around like a normal person for a while, then I start acting a little looney, get my meds adjusted and go back to cruise mode again for a while.
That being said – sometimes I think my disorder makes me drawn to people who have issues (my current ex is not my first addict). I think one reason is that I know they can empathize with and understand me a little better than someone more “normal”. And vice-versa, I can empathize with and understand them a little more. BUT it does make me prone to codependency. I’m trying to be sure that my desire to get my ex back is for the right reasons.
I respect him for recognizing that he can’t be in a relationship right now, and placing the focus back on himself where it belongs in this early stage. I think that speaks volumes about the man behind the problem.
I haven’t heard from him in a couple days, and am not initiating contact. We’ll see what happens when some more time goes by. 🙂
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